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Why does my b/f talk to his ex but won't allow me to do the same?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 March 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 28 March 2017)
A female Canada age 30-35, *esnoyesno writes:

My boyfriend of a year is friends with an old ex who he doesn't feel attracted to anymore and I am totally fine with their friendship and glad they are friends. He has another ex who broke his heart and things got messy with her during the break up. They speak very infrequently and since we've dated not at all. He recently texted her to say happy birthday without telling me. Normally I wouldn't think anything of it but she was his biggest heart break and he told me he deleted her off his phone but he must remember her number and birthday by heart. He is very jealous and has asked me to not contact my ex and to delete him off my phone after I innocently texted him to ask about the computer he gave me when we were dating. I feel like there is a double standered. He also was hanging out with her younger brother regularly for a while after we started dating and was weirded out when my brother started hanging out with my ex after we broke up.

View related questions: broke up, his ex, jealous, my ex, text

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou are allowing him to treat you like this. One rule for him and another for you. Honestly he doesn't trust you because if he did then he wouldn't be making demands from you. Also their was no call for him to wish his ex a happy birthday so it is clear he is still thinking about her. I would politely tell him if he can speak to his ex's then so can you and never to ask you not to contact someone again, I bet he will get angry and turn it around on you. Do you really want to be with someone like this?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with WiseOwlE

IF you ALLOW him to decide who you can talk to and whom you can't... HE will try and control not only this but anything he WANTS to control.

And who your BROTHER hangs out with is CERTAINLY not your BF's concern.

And I would point out that the whole double standard is not working for you.

Now I DO believe it's FINE to tell your partner if you don't feel comfortable with them being in contact with exes, I don't, however, think a partner has a "right" to dictate who you can talk to or not. EITHER your partner TRUSTS you or they don't.

Woman up, OP.

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A female reader, chachacha United Kingdom +, writes (16 March 2017):

"He is very jealous and has asked me to not contact my ex and to delete him off my phone after I innocently texted him to ask about the computer he gave me when we were dating."

This is unhealthy behaviour from your boyfriend. A healthy reply from you would be "I will decide for myself who I delete from my phone. Thank you for sharing your views with me, I have listened, and I will make my own decision".

And when jealousy rears its head, how about "you are coming across as being jealous, are you feeling insecure? why is that?"

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 March 2017):

If you take a subordinate position in your relationship rather than being his equal; he will take full control, and tell you what to do. Obviously, you don't like being submissive and being treated like his daughter; instead of his girlfriend.

You yield to his control because he's jealous? Yet you timidly back-down and allow him to chat with his exes with no concern whether you like it or not.

Seriously, girlfriend?!!

You picked the wrong guy if he's so jealous you're afraid of him. Fear is the only reason a grown-woman will allow a man to rule over her, because he's jealous. His aggressiveness and control over you comes from his disrespect for you; and you give-in because you mistook his jealousy for love, and think aggressiveness makes him a real man. Sorry, that's so wrong! He has to honor and respect you as his woman and partner.

If he is a man of reason, you can talk to him and make some kind of compromise. If you're a strong woman, you'll do as you please; as long as it is respectful of your relationship. You don't need him to set rules for you that he doesn't follow himself. That's assuming you don't like being controlled by a man. Some women do.

Unless you show him you're his equal, it will be like living with your father when you were 15. Forbidding you to do this and that, setting boundaries you better not cross; while he's acting like he's the boss of you.

How does that feel? He's even showing his disapproval of who your brother hangs out with! He's lucky I'm not your brother!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (16 March 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHe's jealous and controlling. If you want children, would you want them to have a jealous, controlling father? Probably not, which makes your relationship a dead end.

Even if you don't want kids, why subject yourself to a man who does whatever he wants, but won't let you do the same?

Tell him to cut it out or break up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017):

I echo the poster saying 'stand up for yourself!'. A man doesn't make the rules, you are both equal in a relationship and if he asks you to not speak to an ex then he does the same. If he can't do that, then you must start to question why? Is it that he still has feelings or is he just some pig-headed, sexist who thinks he makes the rules? Don't settle for double standards.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (16 March 2017):

Denizen agony auntYou are quite right - there is a double standard here. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

I believe in the old motto, 'What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander'.

These inequalities must always be challenged, and challenged immediately. It doesn't matter if there is a bit of fuss. He has to know what you think is acceptable. He doesn't make the rules. Come on girl - stand up for yourself.

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