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It was his first time. But straight after we finished he called his best friend to tell him we'd had sex. Made me feel like an object. What should I do?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Sex, Teenage, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 March 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 28 March 2017)
A female Germany age 16-17, anonymous writes:

Hello,

I'm a 16 year old girl.

When I was 14 I had a relationship with a boy which lasted about 1,5 year. At the time my parents were breaking up and everything was falling apart. I got sexual abused and that boy destroyed me and I felt like depended on him. I also had depression and it was pretty bad.

I moved with my mum to an another country and I changed my life completely.

And now everything is fine.

Lately I've met a boy who is really really nice and kind to me. He is taking care of me and everything. We have been together for 3-4 months.

Yesterday it was the first time that we had sex. After we finished he called his best friend to tell him.

I felt like an object and I don't know how to feel about it now.

I understand that for him it was his first time with the girl that he loves but for me it was a huge step to trust my body to someone else.

It was really quick because I had to go home but I thought he would be more sweet to me after that.

I knew that he will tell his 3 best friends(which are in our group of friends so they are my friends too) but I didn't want him to call them right after.

He didn't even be chilled with me for 3 minutes.

Please please tell me your opinion and what should I do now? I already told him and he asked sorry but I still don't know how I feel.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou know at his age this is what guys do, they are not mature enough yet to handle a relationship, you said yourself that you knew he would tell his friends. Honestly I don't think either off you should be having sex, you are much to young. You have had a rough past I think you need to deal with that before having sex at your age.

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A male reader, VitaminZ United States +, writes (17 March 2017):

I'm sorry, but you had sex with a boy who is not nice or kind. Please don't sleep with him again or he will continue to hurt you.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (17 March 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI'm so sorry for what you've been through. Please seek therapy to help you understand more about the emotional effects of having sex, as sleeping with this boy so soon was very unwise, as you now know.

Sex is very personal and giving it out so quickly, especially at your age, is reckless and makes you incredibly vulnerable

This isn't love either, I'm afraid. He wouldn't have said anything about love to his friend; he'd have just been talking about sex and body parts. Immaturity isn't even an excuse for this one; it's just plain rude. This is a crush/infatuation; love takes much longer.

Please stop having sex; it's harmful at your age, especially with the trauma you've experienced.

Whatever you do, please get on birth control and always use condoms.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2017):

Well, assuming he is of a similar age to you, I am not surprised. He is an immature little kid.

This is why it is best to wait to have sex when you are older and with an older guy who has no need to boast to boost his own ego about his conquest.

Sorry, that is what you are. A conquest. A guy who really cared about you and is more mature would never have done this.

I am not a big believer in having sex very young. Lots of reasons against it. This is just one. Being a notch on the belt of a wee little boy trying to be a man. Well, he has lots to learn. And if this is his character now, then you've got a major player in the making.

I would say cut you losses. It really is NO loss.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI'd say TELL him that you are hurt by his actions. One thing is that you KNEW he would tell - after all, that isn't surprising for a young, insensitive and immature teenage boy. But for him to CALL his buddies before you have even LEFT the house? To brag?

So not cool or considerate. And I would tell him that. I would also tell him that you can't be dating and be having sex with someone who put getting a "high 5" from his friends OVER YOUR feelings.

Ask him how HE would feel if YOU had called your FEMALE friends describing the SIZE of his penis... BET he wouldn't like that.

And I agree, BECAUSE of your past abuse - you NEED to not be having sex just yet as it is STILL confusing to you and I think... you were having sex with THIS guy for the wrong reasons. You like him, you are dating so sex CAN be on the "table" but HAVING sex should mean MORE to the both of you - more than him getting bragging rights and more than you giving sex hoping you will get love and respect back.

And MAKE sure you are on birth control and use condom (both).

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 March 2017):

Just don't see that boy again. He's an immature jerk. You have to understand, sex at your age is very risky; and you're dealing with dumb boys who are not usually as mature as girls at your age.

If you are going to be sexually-active, you have to be sure the boy wears a condom. You could get pregnant, or contract a sexually-transmitted disease or infection. You are very young, and really too young to be so quick to have sex. You're a victim of sexual-abuse, and now this young man's stupidity is pushing you back into that bad place where you are hurt and confused.

Don't expect adolescent boys not to tell their buddies everything. They're nothing but big kids, and sex is really for consenting adults. Even we don't know what we're doing half the time.

You need to slow it down. You don't have to immediately have sex with boys to make them like you, or to keep them around. You aren't old enough to use the best judgment when it comes to boys and sex. See how badly this turned out for you? It's your parent's fault for not keeping a closer eye on you!

In time, this becomes old news. If you don't want boys spreading all your business, you best not be so quick to offer them your body.

Your parents breakup is not your fault. Acting-out and giving yourself to boys is very dangerous. Now you've learned the hard way what the consequences might be.

You just made a mistake, and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself, sweetheart. Some bad things have happened in your life, and you can't beat yourself up, or just let boys take advantage of you. You're too young to handle all this stuff by yourself.

If you go online, you'll find teen hotlines and local teen counseling organizations that may offer you some counseling services. You need therapy to deal with the sexual-abuse and grief from your parent's marital problems.

It's best you tell your parents (preferably your mother or grandparents); so they can get you help. Keeping secrets and running around behind their backs is going to throw you into serious depression and anxiety; when you try to handle problems too big to deal with all by yourself.

Kids your age always make your parents out to be the enemy, yet you turn to each other and do much worse.

Your parents apparently have gotten so involved with their own problems; they've forgotten all about you. You should talk to your mother, even if it upsets her at first. Let her know that you are hurting and you just need somebody to talk to.

Stop leaving your parents out of the picture. You can't raise yourself. If they are too dysfunctional and don't look after you, go to your school counselor. It's better than waiting for something so awful to happen, child protection services takes you away from your parents. You're already heading down the wrong path, my dear.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (16 March 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou're too young to be having sex. You've chosen the wrong guy on the past, you've been abused sexually, you are vulnerable, why are you doing this to yourself again? Being with someone for 3-4 months, given your age and circumstances is not the right time to have sex. You barely know the guy! And here he is, declaring to the world like he's won some trophy! Do you realize what this can do to your reputation? Society, no matter where you are or however "cool" you might be, is always, always biased against women. That's how it is everywhere.

You need to not be with a guy. Not now and not for quite some time. Since you've asked what you should do now, here it is.

What you should do right now is check in for some counseling and sort out your issues.

What you should do now is to focus on your studies and look at making your future better.

What you should do now is to stay away from guys, spend your time in the right manner and read good books.

And what you should certainly not do is to have sex with people who you barely know. Do you realize the consequences? You could get a sexually transmitted disease or even end up pregnant.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (16 March 2017):

Denizen agony auntDump him, right now. He has a lot to learn about being a man and a lot more to learn about being a gentleman.

But first take him to one side and explain what he did and what he didn't do. He deserves to know why he is being dumped.

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