A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi and thanksMy ex boyfriend and I are still communicating and I still love him but hes distancing himself from me. We broke up about 4 weeks ago and his reason for being aloof is his son is talking back to his mom. Yrs ago we were in a relationship for 7 months. I loved him and he admitted to still have feelings for his ex. There were in constant contact. She lived with a man and he was with me. He was even still on a dating website and I asked him several times to please stop but he wouldn't. I guess I hung on hoping things would change but one day I had such a bad gut feeling and he went out and left his computer on and his email was logged in and I looked. I found saved conversations of him flirting with his ex and him cheating with another woman. I was devasted! Even moreso to find out the whole 7 months he was unfaithful. I ended it. Now here we are years later and I took him back we were together for17 months. It was turbulent. He wanted to know everything since we broke up. I told him bits and pieces and I didn't share while we weren't together that I was in a relationship with another guy. Hes gps-ed me. Hes followed me. Hes always needed pictures for proof to see where I am and hes called me every name imaginable. The verbal abuse was the hardest being accused of something you're not and being accused of things you never did. His name calling cut like a knife. About 9 months into our relationship my ex boyfriend contacts him because he viewed I was in a relationship with him through facebook. Well my now ex exploded! He called me a lying slut and I'm garbage and need to be thrown out. I tried explaining to him that I didn't tell him about my past relationship because it was bad and I was trying to forget it and to get over it. He said I didn't want to tell him cause I still wanted to be fucking him during our relationship. He went at me for 6 weeks putting me down and demanding I write a email pertaining to my life and sex partners. I did. I don't know how he had so much control over me but he did. I couldn't go to the bar unless he came with me. I couldn't attend a gym, but he plays co-ed sports with his ex. His excuse is he plays cause his kids play sometimes and yes this is the ex he admitted having previous feelings for and it hurt me knowing my feelings weren't considered. I asked if he still has feelings for her he says no but if his boy acts out on his mom. He distances himself from me and stays awake at night because it affects him so much. I know he should be concerned but its seems to be an over reaction.So now were not together but were talking not as much cause his boy isn't being nice to his ex. He has said he doesn't want me cause he believes I've cheated. I haven't. I was loyal but he said I wasnt. Why am I trying to hold onto him?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 September 2013):
 You are the victim of an abusive relationship and the very best thing you could do for yourself is to get some counseling, some help, to figure how to heal.
http://www.thehotline.org/2013/05/finding-closure-after-abuse/
For whatever reason, you cannot let go of an abuser and so it's pretty obvious that you need some professional counseling and therapy to end the cycle.
With very best wishes to you for a happy future.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): You have severe issues with your self-esteem and don't know your worth. You've been in an on-again off-again relationship due to your love-addiction to this guy.
You've been so emotionally abused by the man that you beg for more and more of his psychological and verbal-abuse. You are in a sad and beaten psychological state. The "abused" who returns to her "abuser." He is sharing his time between you, his sex-slave; and his ex. The woman he respects more than you. His son's part in all this is bullsh*t, and you know it.
No man so abusive and cruel to women, gives a damn about how his son is treating his mother. Otherwise; he'd set a better example. He's "sexing" the both of you. You're foolish.
You've been beaten into a submissive and pathetic shell of a person; because of him. You never got any help for the trauma, you probably always had low self-esteem; and you are the victim of a narcissist. If you don't know what that is, Google it.
You are also a drama queen. You enjoy the drama of being tormented and victimized. Living out your life like a cheap and tawdry romance novel. Wallowing in being a victim, never looking for the light of day. Living in darkness and under his foot.
You hold on to him; because you are a victim of abuse and it has destroyed you. You are salvageable; because you've realized and you reached out for help. You first need to eliminate him from your life, once and for all.
You need to find the strength to runaway screaming like the character in a movie being chased by a crazy man with a chainsaw.
You aren't going to be able to do all this on your own. You have established a psychological pattern of returning to him. So you need to join a support-group for women who are victims of abuse. You also need to get psychological counseling; because the trauma runs very deep. Even if you don't return to him, you'll find his clone. You really do need more help than you will find on this site, my dear.
Please save yourself and move on to greener pastures. Get yourself reprogrammed and find your healing. You're not getting younger, and you don't want to live out the prime years of your life being treated like dog-crap under his shoe.
If you really want help, you have to seek professional treatment; so you won't find yourself living the rest of your life in the same place. The sex isn't worth it. No penis is that good. Fight the addiction to this man. He's poison in your system. Flush him out. He's a demon that needs to be exorcised, so you'll find the light again.
I hope you came to us because you sincerely want help, and you're not just looking for pity and/or sympathy. You deserve much more than that, sweetheart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): I can almost bet the word sorry is never spoken on his behalf. Your always at fault no matter what you do or don't do. I'm sure hes made you feel inadequate. Not deserving of him. I bet if you talk to a guy your a slut but if he talks to a girl its ok because he can do nothing wrong. Hanging around his ex shows hes got no respect he does what he wants but you can't.
Abuse is hard. I've been there, done that. Many people say leave but its not easy you become so used to being treated like dirt that it's expected.
He doesn't want to be with you? Girl thank God! Move on find the person you were before meeting this disrespectful controlling man and be happy. You deserve it.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (25 September 2013):
 Please read your original post back to yourself and try to be objective, as if your best friend/ sister was telling you this story. What would you say to her? What would you wish for her?
It's clear as day that this man is no good for you whatsoever. He's reduced you to the point where you'll accept anything. Easier said than done but you need to cut ALL contact now, block him (yes it'll be hard) and then arrange to see a professional to help you through all this ASAP.
You can let him go, you have to be strong.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (25 September 2013):
Take my word if not of my fellow agony aunt sisters and brothers. You are a better person than that piece of garbage in my mind who has manipulated and used and abused your ,love,trust and affection. I can only say you deserve better and from the way you are talking you are a affectionate and loving woman. Please stop beating yourself up and asking why you hold onto this miserable excuse for a human being. Leave now , move away and never ever come back to these horrible set of circumstances. Your human you made a mistake , don't beat yourself up over it. Move forward and like yesterday. Dont wait. There are lots of men out there who would love and cherish such a beautiful and caring woman as yourself. Dont you ever forget that. Move forward and quickly. I am certain you have a bright future ahead, you have to get out and reach for it. xoxoxoxo
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): Hes an abuser and no you don't deserve his manipulative ways. People assume because they tolerate this its cause they want to. Thats untrue. When your abused your self esteem is also abused and you feel you deserve it.
His ex? Whats up with that?
Dont stick around to find out
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 September 2013):
 The reason you are clinging onto him is because he has broken your spirit and you can no longer function without his abuse...
You have been treated so badly for so long that you don't know any other way to be treated so you are still expecting him to come back into your life and start abusing you again.
You feel you need to justify yourself to him and even though he's accusing you of cheating, you are unable to defend yourself because only his opinion is important in this relationship...and you know it...and thats all you know.
This supposed man has has two goes at a relationship with you and respects you and treats you less than a stray dog in the street...can you really want to go back to this?
All the whatevers about his ex, his boy, whose messing with who dont mean jack shit...it's a smoke screen covering the fact that he's a controlling abuser and you seem to love being treated that way...
If you didn't...you wouldn't be there!
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 September 2013):
For one, you are being constantly manipulated. You seem to believe that this man needs you and you think one day he will change for you.
Secondly, you have never tried to move on and you keep filling the shoes of being a victim. But after "years" of being constantly lied to, playing the victim isn't cute any more and you are actually allowing this guy to take advantage of you. Almost everything he tells you is a lie and worst yet, you have no backbone to stand up to him.
It hurts a lot to see someone who can be free but chooses to be chained to a manipulative "relationship" but every one chooses their own path. Try to get away from this person and find yourself some new friends and a better life for yourself. I don't think anyone deserves the kind of crap you are getting.
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