| A
age
30-35,
*
writes: Hello,I am a single female struggling to navigate dating in this hookup age. I have tried online unsuccessfully and did not like the unnatural feeling of it. I'm also shy with men and struggled with that. I recently practiced talking to guys (at a bar) because my therapist suggested just making conversation as practice to be less shy. Two guys asked for my number and later texted me and asked me out. One of them I ended up not being attracted to so we stopped texting. The other one I really liked. We talked about making plans and the weekend he asked me on a date, I was out of town. But I told him I was free this weekend and still interested in meeting. Somehow things changed and he would read my texts and not respond. I just couldn't figure out what happened after a week of texting when he seemed so into me!I seem to get the fade often with guys. They start off so interested and then suddenly they're not. I think I get a little too clingy and want someone to text me constantly which is too dependent. But I never tell them to text me more and try to not be too forwardI am seeing a counselor and know I have issues to work through. But I don't understand why they all seem to fade away so quickly? It has happened to me with countless guys, and makes me feel like I will never find someone who wants to stick around. Any advice?
View related questions:
shy, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMale reader anonymous... Your "advice" is both unclear and unhelpful. I am completely unsure as to your point. I am far from a prostitute nor was I trying to get in bed with anyone. Just practice getting to know someone. Please refrain from posting on here if you are just going to be rude.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): At a bar is the wrong place to just make conversation..the whole thing is a pick up zone. Guys who try to pick up females at bars have exactly the same problem...they seem to be shrieking "Im desparate for sex"!! This is more or less all you will get if you follow this strategy. I take it your modelling yourself on a well known actress who played a highly familiar prostitute(arent they all) to some good looking millionaire whom we can affectionally call dickie...No, ?? Mais oui?? You need to have a little faith that the love of your life will walk into your life some other way , but your therapist hasnt made you able to chat..She has made you into a bold warrior women who walks into bars alone, who confidently orders her drink and could probably from the sound of it drag a six foot four male by the hair and drag him into bed asap. The guy got cold feet and do you blame him .He probably thought you were going to eat him for breakfast..perhaps you could run a bar..you'll see it all that way..and learn to get rid of drunken, pesky idiots who are about to trash the place with sputum.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (16 June 2015):
 I agree - I think looking for men in bars is in essence pre-selecting men who are more likely to have traits you don't want in a relationship (as opposed to a hookup).
I'm generalizing here but men who go to bars specifically to meet women tend not to have let go of the party life" yet. Some even make a so-called "art" out of picking up women and trying to close the deal (i.e. get sex) as quickly and effortlessly as possible. Don't get me wrong, not every guy you will meet in a bar does this or is like this, but I'm willing to bet that a lot of the "faders" you've met so far disappeared because they realized you were out for more than an easy lay.
So what needs to change here? Not your standards - if you want a real relationship, absolutely don't settle for less - but the venue. Try meeting guys and starting conversations in a context where more than your appearance is on display - and where you can see something of their personalities, too. A meetup group, a coffee shop, an art or fitness class, the local hiking trail/beach/dog park - any of these are better than bars for finding people with common interests, and you aren't limiting yourself to the types of guys who consider bars the go-to place to find dates.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 June 2015):
 I think picking up guys in a bar is NOT the right place for you.
I'd honestly think you had WAY better luck meeting guys you have something in common with, like at a cooking class, painting class, hiking group or something like that. Maybe even consider those meetup groups, not a bar.
I don't think it's YOU they fade fast from. The second guy, whom you liked more or less stopped texting when you weren't available at the drop of a hat... THERE are guys out there like him. So I think it was more that, then you wanting someone to text.
I would also suggest that you don't carry on with the texting, TALK to people. Like CALL them instead of making thing happen over text. Texting is impersonal.
And KEEP trying. Though bear in mind, talking to a guy doesn't ALWAYS HAVE to lead to more. Sometimes we just CHAT with other human beings.
...............................
|
