A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Struggling to move on after best friend break up.At this point, I feel like my friendship with my BFF is basically over, or at the very least, has become a simple, yet strained acquaintance-ship.In a nutshell, bff and I have been bff's for 20 years. We had a huge falling out over my wedding. Essentially, I did not make her maid of honor, instead gave the title to my deceased sister and gave her and 3 other close friends/relatives the title of bridesmaid. She freaked out about it saying she didn't know why she had been there for me, gone dress shopping with me,etc If she had known she was the same "rank" as the other girls. This happened several months ago and I still deal with anger, hurt, disbelief, etc.What makes it worse, I had assumed she would apologize right away, which she did not. After two weeks, I finally contacted her and all she said was "Well at least now you know how I feel". She did ultimately send me a heartfelt apology by email, but it was basically and "I'm sorry, but...(the but being that she wished I had told her my plans for the maid of honor role-which I had) During this time, I had told her I was trying to forgive her, and hoped our relationship would get back to where it was (this was one person I trusted with EVERYTHING). But it hasn't been easy, and she rarely contacts me now-nor does she seem to care that I don't contact her either (we used to talk several times a week)The last time I did try to talk to her about my feelings, all she said was "Can we just leave it that I apologized and your forgave me?" and she said she was ashamed of how she had acted.I don't want to think the friendship is basically over. However, when I think of everything she said, it makes me very angry, then her lack of effort leaves me feeling hurt.Any thoughts on where to go from here?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2015): In your friends' shoes I would be deeply hurt and reconsider our whole friendship because a) you KNEW that she thought she was the maid of honour or that she thought she had a chance. You absolutely had to clarify this months before you put it on the website. b) you pretend that you don't really understand why she's making a fuss and you keep dismissing her response as an overreaction. She made you her MOH. Don't pretend that it's news to you that she expected the same. If you were dead set on not having her as yours you should have declined being hers. c) you LET her do all the MOH things. You had the power to say no. Or at least you could repeat every single time she did this that she is not going to be the MOH so she really doesn't have to. d) You didn't even consider having 2 MOHs as suggested to you in your previous post so clearly you were not willing to meet her half way.e) Finally, despite her feelings of betrayal, hurt and disappointment, you haven't apologised for the hurt you've caused; unintentionally or not.She had the grace to extend an apology and you accept it without offering one in turn. It also isn't a very nice experience for her to speak to you about your wedding when it's a sore point for her.I am truly sorry for the loss of your sister. I can't imagine the grief and pain you've carried since.What you are doing now is losing a friend of 20 YEARS, someone who knows you in a way that no one else could. Someone you've spoken to several times a week for the last 20 YEARS. Someone who's gone above and beyond to help you have an amazing special day.Honour the memory of sister. I didn't know her but I'd imagine that she wouldn't want to stop you living a rich life surrounded by people who love you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 June 2015):
 So you were HER MoH, and she expected YOU to make her your MoH as well, which would in a sense of "etiquette" make sense. You could have made your SISTER Maid of Honor and your BFF MATRON of honor (as she is married - so no more a maid).
THIS is YOUR wedding so DO it your way.
But don't hold on to anger, there is no point to it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Eyeswideopen and Honeypie-thank you for your replies. Eyeswideopen-I can see what you mean, and I understood that some might think it was odd that I honored my sister that way, but what needs to be understood (IMO) is that I was only 18 when she passed very tragically. I had always known that if I ever married, she would be given the MOH title.Honeypie (and eyeswideopen)I also can see your point and I realize that this could very simply be a situation where neither of us is going to think we were wrong. I have to kind of disagree though-I never asked her to be MOH, I sent her the same cutesy "will you be my bridesmaid" as the other girls. She has been my friend since my sister was alive, during the time she passed, and long since after. All of the things she did for the wedding-she did on her own volition, I never asked her to do anything for the wedding, other than get the same dress as the other girls. I supposed I mistakenly assumed a BFF would WANT to go dress shopping regardless if I was eloping or having a lavish wedding, with or without a wedding party. I never led her to believe she would be MOH and told her multiple times she didn't need to do anything she was doing-yet she was insistent. It was only when I listed my sister as MOH on the wedding website that she blew a fuse. I have tried to see things from her perspective and I can to an extent. I can understand feelings being hurt and then just letting all of those feelings explode out with no filter. The wedding has not happened yet. I think that is part of why I am still struggling with this along with the fact that she doesn't really contact me anymore.I also understand that everyone is different. However, I always had the notion that it was an honor even to be asked to attend a wedding, and more so to be a member of the wedding party. And when you were asked, your job was to go with the flow and try to make things easier on the bride-not turn it into something about yourself. In which case, for her wedding, I flew back from Italy to attend it, bought the dress she wanted, got my hair done, etc without one complaint. Granted, I was her MOH, but i would have done that without complaint just the same.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 June 2015):
As nice as the gesture is to give the "honor" to your deceased sister..... I do understand why she felt it was a slap in the face. She PERFORMED the MOH duties and you "demoted" her basically to a brides maid.
You need to either LET it go or let the friendship and HER go. You can't have it both ways. She doesn't AGREE with you, neither does she HAVE to even if she is your BFF.
Friendships aren't about agreeing on EVERYTHING and ALWAYS getting it your way. She doesn't agree with you in this issue. YOU don't agree with her on this issue.
Since your wedding day is OVER -why still kick that dead horse?
If I remember your earlier post about this, she did more then dress-shop, she did the whole wedding website and more for you. The kind of stuff a MOH does.
While I DO wholeheartedly understand why you wanted your sister to be your MOH, it's not really fair on your BFF who put a LOT of work (for free) into YOUR wedding. You could have included your sister in MANY other ways, IF you had chosen to do so.
Now personally, couldn't care less what "title" I was given at a wedding (we do weddings different where I'm from, there are only TWO titles that matters - bride and groom) - she obviously thought the honor of being MOH would be hers as your BFF.
Be like Elsa, let it go or LOSE a lifelong friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015): I think that your friend was being unreasonable over the whole Maid of Honour affair. After all had your sister been alive then your friend would have been just a bridesmaid anyway.
My father died a year before my sister married and she walked down the aisle alone as he couldn't just be replaced.
At the end of the day you are the one getting married so it's your choice. If she was a good friend she would have tried to see it from your point of view.
I think your friendship had run it's course otherwise you would both be able to move on from all the upset. Like relationships, friendships aren't always destined to last a lifetime.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 June 2015):
 A Maid of Honor has actual duties to perform for the Bride, whereas the other bridesmaids just have to show up and look pretty, no offense but your sister can't actually perform those duties so it is rather odd that you decided to honor her memory in this way. But Your friend got her feelings hurt and reacted poorly and you got on your high horse about it too so I think you are both pretty even on this. Too bad you guys can't get past this and have thrown away a 20 year friendship but maybe it wasn't as strong as you thought anyway.
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