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Why do girls do things that make them unapproachable and rude?

Tagged as: Dating, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 April 2017) 16 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2017)
A male United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Why do girls always have to be glued to each other or have their noses in their phones or in a book? Don't they realize that makes them unapproachable and that it's just plain rude? Also, they do the same things on dates too and act rudely just to humiliate me-which they do.I've been accused of stalking even when I'm just being sweet and even if we're dating at first. Also, I draw girls who are taken and lie to me about it just to make me look stupid and get in trouble.

What do I do?

View related questions: stalking

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom + , writes (23 April 2017):

OP - do you have Aspergers? Or are you on the autism spectrum which will make it difficult for you to read people's social non-verbal signals?

It seems that you misread people's non-verbal cues which makes you seem pushy and creepy when you persist in talking to someone who has been clearly signalling to you by their body language that they want you to go away.

The girl from the coffee shop didn't mind being polite and exchanging a few words with you in the beginning but she didn't really want to take it any further than that. She probably signalled to you several times that she wasn't interested in more than brief "hello and goodbye" but these signals were lost on you. So she has to pull out a big excuse to get the hell out of Dodge without resorting to being outwardly rude - she invented a family emergency and left. The drink and snack she left behind were collateral damage - things she felt she could afford to lose to reach her goal of getting away. The fact that you then "tracked her down" to return them would have seemed very creepy and stalkerish to a neuro-typical person.

And you also seem to have some fairly rigid beliefs which is frequently typical of some-one who is on the spectrum. People don't always go to coffee shops to socialise - especially not on their own. Sometimes they're just quieter, warmer and more relaxed places to read or study than home.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017):

I am the OP

I guess I mean at get togethers that do and do not include alcohol, usually at someone's house, the kind where everyone in a group is invited. I hear about them when I go to the student union and I get emails and stuff about things that go on for the student body.

I don't live on campus and a lot of things are blocked on my parents' computer.

Maybe its because I live at home? I don't like to tell people that. maybe that's a turnoff but I go stay overnight because they let me and they want me to getout more.

I mean at parties girls are alwayus right next to each other and even follow each other to the bathroom so I cant' even separate them to talk!

Or, I talk to both of them and and I've even got, "OH MY GOD DO YOU EVER GO AWAY!?" when I think I'm having a nice converstation.

I talked to this one girl I knew from how we both always went to this same coffee shop and she was really nice at first but then she stopped going.

She said she had an emergency after she looked at her phone and left all her drink and sandwich behind and just left so I got it packed up and tracked her down so I could give it to her.

I WAS BEING SWEET! I wanted to know if everything was OK because I was worried.

I hadn't seen her there for a long time and when she saw me she turned around and said, "OH MY GOD" and left. She refused to even look at me when I called her name a few times.

I found out she was going to another restaurant but her and her friend totally ignored me and I knew they were making fun of me the whole time. AND I WAS JUST BEING SWEET

So that is why I started off just being nice with a good conversation.

Maybe she was one who didn't want to be approached but then why go to coffee shops and just sit there for hours? Aren't they just bars without alcohol where people go to MEET PEOPLE?

Why not just stayhome if they want to be alone?

I'm not narcistic, I'm serious.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2017):

I am the person who wrote the post.

OK that's a lot of responses! I will take the time to read them now since I just now got a chance to get back on a computer. Thank you! I'll respond back when I get a chance to read them.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (21 April 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou're taking it personally, when it's not. Women who are busy reading or on their phone are doing so to avoid being approached and having to reject someone. That's not rude; it's a clear sign that they want peace.

It is rude to do it on a date, yes, but not all women are polite. Same goes for any women lying to you about not being in a relationship. If they lie that they are, it's because they want you to leave them alone.

As for being called a stalker, you won't get that for being "sweet"; you'll get called that for being pushy or creepy, whether you mean to or not.

Stop feeling slighted by women not wanting to be approached. Women aren't there to be flirted with by men. Only flirt in appropriate situations and learn when to leave them alone, without thinking they are being rude.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2017):

Don't worry, this is a stage every young man around your age goes through unless you happen to be very good looking guy,smart,school champion in sports or a pop star. What you need to do is build your confidance,develope your personality, choose a career and make plans to be successful at it, have a hobby, and don't aim only at dating very good looking girls because obviously they are hard to get and hard to please,lower your expectations regarding beauty and slowly you will develop the skills of dating.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 April 2017):

Honeypie agony auntYour issue is not the girls, it's your own lack of understanding common social behaviors.

When I was your age, I would ALWAYS bring a book/walkman (yes, I'm that old) with me on the train/bus/doctor's office or coffee shop (while waiting for friends to show up) - it's a PRETTY clear indication that I didn't WANT to be approached or disturbed. It's not being rude at all. It's actually more polite IMHO than telling every guy who, like you, thinks a girl by herself should be hit on, to go stuff themselves. At least when a girl is on her phone or talking to friends she ISN'T rejecting guys...

Girls don't exist for YOUR entertainment and to be approached by men 24/7 - remember that.

As for playing games with you and accusing you of stalking... Not all girls are nice but I doubt a girl would call you a stalker if you didn't DO something that made her feel extremely uncomfortable.

It seems to me like you are trying to be some super "pick up artist" and "pull" girls left and right. Slow down, Romeo.

If a girl is ON her phone and doesn't respond to a simple: "hi, how are you?" LEAVE her be. Why? Because she ISN'T interested in BEING approached - by you or maybe anyone, AT that moment.

If girls are hanging out in a bigger group, it's a "safety in numbers" thing and a "keep guys away" thing while at the same time getting ATTENTION from a "safe" distance. Because GUYS do notice girls in a group.

As for the "draw" girls with BF's? I don't understand what you mean. So can't elaborate on that.

WORK on your social skills, OP and ACCEPT that sometimes girls JUST want to be left alone and NOT be hit on. Now that may NOT suit your agenda, bu really... TOUGH cookies.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

As a man, nearly every time I've been approached by a woman, it is someone I'm not interested in, and I feel really uncomfortable about it. I don't know how women put up with being approached by anyone who chooses to do so. As such, I can understand why they sometimes bury their face in a book when out in public. As for anyone who will try to make you look stupid or get you in trouble, that is a seriously disturbing...at least they are raising the red flag near the beginning of the relationship. But as WiseOwlE notes, maybe it is something you are doing that provokes this behavior. Few women will go out of their way to humiliate a date or accuse them of stalking, so if it happens repeatedly, it may be due to something on your part.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

Let girls be girls. If they behave like they don't want to be approached; then don't approach them. If they're with a group of their friends, they like showing-off; so be charming and not let anything they say bother you. One out of the group is going to like you, but she has to go along with the rest. Provided you behave like a gentleman and just move on.

Stalking is following someone around, following-up on their every-move on social media, and showing up unexpectedly wherever they are too often for it to be a coincidence. If you do any of these things, they're right. It's stalking.

Sometimes what you think is being sweet feels more like kissing-up to them. It's sappy and annoying. Some girls are just mean or conceited, and that's a good reason to keep your distance.

You don't draw girls who are already taken, you flirt with girls who are already taken without asking. It helps to ask if they have a boyfriend before getting too involved in conversation; and if the answer is yes, keep stepping. This can only happen so many times according to the laws of odds and averages. If it happens too much? It's you, not them.

If you already know she has a boyfriend, she's not making a fool of you; you make a fool of yourself for wasting your attention on a cheater.

They will lie to get you into trouble, if you're too pushy and didn't take a hint to get lost. They're waiting for their boyfriend to hear about it to beat you up.

Wise-up, dude!

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A female reader, CassieMosswing United Kingdom +, writes (20 April 2017):

CassieMosswing agony auntIf a girl is constantly on her phone or reading a book when you're trying to talk to her, then stop right there and walk away. Alright, you had no success with girls but so what? Don't let it bring you down...you get back up and you try again. No one calls someone a stalker for no reason, You need to accept when someone doesn't want to talk to you or even see you. Respect other people boundaries and move on. Find a girl who has got a personality and likes you. Good Luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2017):

You are doing something in your daily life and that something is, you are assuming. You seem to be 100% confident that you know exactly why people are doing things. You read into people's actions the explanation that seems to fit your somewhat paranoid state of mind and conclude that you are right.

You can't do this as it is more than possible that you are wrong and it is unfair to other people to interpret their actions in a negative way and imagine that you are the centre of everything everyone does.

This way of thinking has a label attached to it and it's called 'narcissism'. This is where you think you are at the centre of everyone's thoughts and actions. You also sound rather paranoid.

You also don't seem able to realise how your actions are coming across to others, because if you think you are being sweet and others think you are stalking them, then there is a big difference between what you think you're doing and how others are perceiving you.

I think you may have a personality disorder or something similar and I think it would be a good idea for you to go to your doctor with this question and my answer and maybe get assessed?

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A female reader, CoreMessage United Kingdom +, writes (20 April 2017):

CoreMessage agony auntI don't think you can judge all girls based off of a couple of bad experiences. Some girls are just closed off. I'm one of them. Sometimes we want a guy to talk to us but we're terrified of making the first move.

But why are they calling you out for stalking? What are they objecting? People sometimes have very different views on what classifies as "sweet".

And about the taken thing, sometimes there are just girls like that. Again, you cant judge all girls based off of a couple of slu-- troublesome girls.

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom + , writes (20 April 2017):

Maybe they don't want to be approached OP? Just because you want to talk to them doesn't mean they are obligated to respond. And yeah, most people don't accuse someone of stalking unless they are seriously crossing some lines. What sort of things do you classify as 'sweet' that they object to?

Honestly, it sounds like you have a bit of an issue with boundaries. Perhaps something to think about?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2017):

The problem here is that you are being far too general and you need to learn to tell it a different way!

For example you could say "After I broke up with mae we kept bumping into each other in town until she accused me of stalking her."

You see story done, no accusations,no blame, just the facts.

I think you are not getting to know any girl well enough for dating and then you are probably plying them with drinks in the hope of getting them to shag you!

Maybe this approach is intimidating and maybe you are just pushing your luck.

You do sound young so I think you want too much far too soon!

So slow down on pulling the birds until you are a bit more mature.

They are not a strange species and nor are you.

There needs to be some ambition in you if you want to find yourself a wife!

You need to meet a girl who is ready to be your wife.

No one wants to be a notch on someones bed post and some men out there are far too dodgy to be worth the trouble.

If you have a genuine bone in your body then try to do something useful with your life and stop moaning about girls because it makes you sound like a lager lout who feels upset that not one of the girls on the sidewalk wanted to take a trip down a back alley with you for a quickie.

Be more than that and give yourself time to mature into a decent person!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2017):

Maybe they are like this cause they don't want to be approached!!! And if they are like it on a date they are not into you ...you sound young and insecure about yourself no need to be needy just relax your young have fun you will find a nice girl to date I also sense your gullible only date someone you kno is single.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (20 April 2017):

N91 agony auntWhat are you classing as being sweet? I don't think people would call you a stalker for no reason.

You draw girls that are taken? You just walk around drawing girls?

This is a very odd question that I can't really make Sense of.

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A male reader, Sagarock India +, writes (20 April 2017):

You are having these probs with girls because you've been overly reacting to there tests don't keep your total focus on her and just aim to entertain yourself and see the tables turn. Good luck

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