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My husband lies about watching porn and masturbating

Tagged as: Pornography, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 April 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My husband lies about watching porn and masturbating. I know he does this to avoid an argument, and I don't really mind his porn usage - I just don't want him to be lying to me.

However we had a massive argument a couple of weeks ago - it came up that he feels that me prying into his masturbation time is controlling and says he sometimes lies to me because it annoys me when I ask him.

I get that I'm insecure and a bit controlling and I do try my best to not ask. But sometimes I just ask without thinking.

But for example this month he says he's staying away from porn and masturbating (no reason really as to why) but he has watched porn a couple of times (on my computer) and then lied still. So why - if he made this decision himself - is he 1.Still doing it? and 2.Lying about it?

I'm always the one pleasing him during sex but it has been an issue that he never returns the favour.

View related questions: insecure, porn

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A male reader, DJStarfox United States +, writes (23 April 2017):

The way I see it, there are 2 separate problems here.

1) Your husband wants to abstain from porn (reason unclear) but is unable to because it's highly addictive. There are 12-steps programs (like AA but for sex/porn) that he can attend and get support, if he truly wants to quit. That is entirely his decision, NOT yours. But you can share (without judgement) how his porn usage makes you feel and let him decide what to do.

2) Your relationship is deficient in trust and honesty. This is the bigger problem. As a married couple, you completely accepted each other at the wedding. That doesn't mean you tolerate unacceptable behavior, but it does mean that you are two humans with flaws that need to completely accept that fact. How can he give you his heart (in bed or otherwise) when he feels judged?

I recommend you two find a local marriage counselor. Your problems are very common and quite solvable with a bit of work.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (21 April 2017):

I think you have a much bigger problem here than your husband wishing to keep his porn usage to himself. THAT, in my book, SHOULD be kept to himself and I find it astounding that you demand to know about it.

A far bigger problem is that he is lazy in bed and does not attempt to please you during sex. Why are you putting up with this? I suspect the porn is tied in with this laziness - he only has himself to please and doesn't have to make an effort to please you. Why don't you tell him that, in future, he pleases YOU first, and THEN you will please him?

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 April 2017):

olderthandirt agony auntThere is no answer as to "why" it's just a 'brain magnet' for us guys we have a desire to watch others have sex even if we know it's not real(and it's not real-it's drugged females doing what they are directed to do by over-endowed males.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (21 April 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntYou your self claim that you are insecure and controlling. You try not to ask, but you end up asking any way. (kind of like he tries to avoid porn, but ends up using anyway) Your questions and controlling are the punishment you issue for his truthfulness. That is why he lies, he doesn't feel safe giving you the truth.

Now the bigger problem you have is that he is a selfish lover. He doesn't take time to pleasure you. As a giver, I have trouble understanding this, but accept it any way. You need to ask for your turn on a regular (could even be scheduled) basis. He needs experience to learn how to enjoy your pleasure. One bit of advice about that. Make sure you leave some soft lighting on.

(you know he likes watching)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2017):

So to the answer that pretty much said men can't help but watch pirn and women should not risk trying to stop them I ask this

Women are pretty much wired to need monogamy and to feel like the number one most desirable woman in order to be aroysed abd want sex with a man . Is it therefore fair that any wife who sees a man giving his sexual attention or looking at other women sexually withholds sex from the husband and finds a man for whom she is the novelty and this interesting ?

Also women are wired to need emotional affection at a much higher level than men (if one is to follow the archaic beliefs sprouted ) is it also fair that any woman not getting those needs met within a relationship also take a man for an emotional affair ? No sex of course . Just like pirn it is meeting the woman's 'need' yet no touching

Fair is fair . It's about time men started to realise that if they are going to use excuses of biological difference for why they NEED porn , then women are entirely in line to use biological excuses to why we shouldn't have sex with any man who doesn't meet our need to feel like the most desirable woman

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

I don't think you're any less secure than most women would be when their husbands watch porn, don't fulfill their wife's needs, and then the husband lies in denial to her.

Nearly all men automatically feel guilt and shame when watching porn behind the back of their partner. And we're also taught to feel shame for masturbating...we don't admit doing so even if we're single. That's why he lies about it.

As for why he's still doing it, a guy is wired to be attracted to many women no matter whether he has a primary partner or not. That's just the way we are. I think all of us would like to feel attraction only for our partner, but nature has wired us otherwise. And men are especially attracted to new women because we wonder what she's like under those clothes and how good she'd be in bed.

One of the most frequent questions asked by women on Dear Cupid regards their annoyance with their boyfriend or husband masturbating to porn. While most men don't want to disappoint their wives and it would be easier to attain every sexual release with a partner, the attraction to porn is a extremely strong and beyond the point of self-control. You run a real risk of putting a wedge between you two if you demand he stop watching porn, and it likely won't prevent him from doing so, anyway. He'll just become more sneaky about it and resentful of your attitude. Without creating a problem that could lead to divorce, you might be best off telling him that you condone his porn watching as long as he doesn't do it behind your back. This certainly isn't an ideal solution and I hope some of the other Aunts have more satisfactory answers that will make both you and your husband happier.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia + , writes (20 April 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntThis has nothing to do with you being insecure or a bit controlling as that's him pointing the finger at you to avoid addressing the issue. He knows he’s pushed the limit of you tolerating his porn and wrist usage.

As you know when a person is free from wrong doing, has nothing to hide, there is no need to lie. Lying is a mechanism that is instantly triggered in the guilty when caught out doing something wrong or challenged. Here they need to quickly cover up, deflect the issue, and make an excuse for their embarrassment or guilt. Lying is also like buying time before the inevitable investigation or argument ensues.

Be that you have tolerated this usage which in effect is like giving a man permission to exercise his eyes and wrist elsewhere instead of pleasing you in bed; it’s no surprise he’s been selfish and you’re still seeing how hard it is for him to ween himself off porn. I guess you got to give him a little credit for trying and not react hastily in the early stages of him trying to change this addictive habit?

I say there’s nothing wrong with you prying, asking or controlling him as he puts it; as I don’t think you signed up for an absent, porn devotee partner. However if you continue to tolerate any part of this behaviour in the future; it should not come as a surprise to you when he lies or advances into other pleasure seeking concepts?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

If porn and masturbating is okay with you, what's your post about? Should he ask your permission first? Should he make an announcement before he does it?

You're too inquisitive about it. If you just left it alone there would be no reason to lie; and you said it doesn't bother you anyway.

If he never returns the favor, try asking him to please you first; instead of wanting it and not saying so.

If you always let him get-off first, most of his energy is used-up. Get yours first, and let his be the reward!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2017):

"Still doing it?"

Because it's fun.

"Lying about it?"

Because he wants have fun by himself in peace and quiet without having to defend himself to his self-described controlling wife.

He can't win. You say you don't mind it but then you nag him about it. He knows whatever he says is going to piss you off regardless, so lying to avoid an argument is the less objectionable alternative.

If you have issues with his performance in bed then TALK to him about it. He can't read your mind.

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