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Why can't he face that his family is lying about me and tell them to butt out?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2015) 8 Answers - (Newest, 31 March 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My partner and I of 6 years broke up three months ago, we have been trying to sort it out but I have asked him to tell hi family to butt out of our relationship, or I am not coming back. HE used to work in the family business and moved from Ireland to the UK when they treated him very badly.

He has an older brother who is a total business failure and the family keep bailing him out which has cost them millions. He even forged my partner's signature to take out a loan on my partner's flat. My partner puts 25 hours a week into helping them out for no salary still on top of his own job.

Last year, and rather stupidly, I lent the family £20k on the promise from my partner that the money was not given to the brother. It got given to the brother!

I went ballistic. My partner turned the tables and made it all my fault. He moved out and cancelled a holiday. I was so upset and said his brother caused so many problems, someone should report him for fraud. 2 days later my partner apologised.

A month later, my partner turned 40 and his family organised a surprise 40th in Ireland and didnt invite me. I was so upset and we had a series of rows because the reasons I got given for not inviting me (in case I told him) were total bull! We split up for 6 weeks. I suspected his really nasty younger sister was behind my non invite. i eventually found out she was and she has admitted it and has told absolute lies about me.

She says she has never liked me (it was this sister I lent the £20k to although she says I made it up even though she text to thank me at the time) She says we were separated at the time the invites went out and the family we so upset I had threatened the brother, they didnt want me to go and its all my fault.

I have grown so resentful of my partner for not sticking up to his family. One minute he is on my side and the last time we spoke about it, he says I have to accept partial responsibility for my non invite because I threatened the brother and its obvious his family would not want me present at his birthday.

The claim is that I threatened it again days before the invites went out. He asks why I cant just admit to it and then we can move on. I know what most people are going to say, continue to walk, but I dont get it and its eating me up as I know that, if it was me, faced with the facts, I would see that his family are lying and tell them to butt out!

View related questions: broke up, money, move on, moved out, split up, text

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (31 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI'm glad you got your money back.

Your boyfriend's family is showing an example of "blood is thicker than water" FAMILY FIRST.

If you know this is how the family is, then expecting them to change is futile. This is how it is.. he is as enmeshed in his dysfunctional family as they are.

You can't change him or them.

The only person you have control over is yourself.

use your feet appropriately. do not try to change anyone to be what you need...instead go out and find someone who is already what you need.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015):

Apologies in advance to all Irish readers but I cannot help but notice that the family is from Ireland and, if they are Irish, I honestly think this makes a HUGE difference. I was partner to someone Irish for nearly two decades and the bonds in his family ran very, very deep, and were at times totally irrational and dysfunctional. It's not just a situation in which you are involved with a dysfunctional family, I also think there is a cultural issue here as well, if they are Irish - and the family ties and bonds will always hold the dysfunction in place.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (29 March 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt That's the brother's FAMILY- his parents, his siblings, etc. And they have bailed him out all their life, no wonder they'd be on his side !

I believe that you did not formally threaten his brother ,as in" give me my money or I'll strangle you with my bare hands "- but " somebody should charge him with fraud " sound rather ominous , and sort of implies " and maybe I'll be that someone who's going to press charges and send him to jail ".

I am not telling that you did not have cause to be upset !,or that you had no reason to use strong words in your exchanges with him or his relatives- - I am telling you why they did not want you at this birthday party. Actually it sounds rather obvious to me; seen that the milk of human kindness was not exactly free-flowing in your interaction with this family, well, you complaining that you did not get invited to their party it's a bit like Oliver Twist complainining for not having gotten invited to Fagin's birthday party.

As for your ex not standing up for you- did you really expect that ? You knew him, you knew his family, their dynamics, and the kind of bond they have. They may be a BAD famiy but it's a close-knit one. Plus, your ex is 40, one does not change his ways ( and his idea of family duty ) at that age ,unless he really wants it BADLY. He does not want to change - he thinks he is in the right, or , at least, that if it ain't broke don't fix it. It's YOU who wanted badly him to change his ways for you, and I am sure you can appreciate the difference.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (29 March 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntWHY would you spend even another MINUTE with this guy and his dysfunctional family??????

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 March 2015):

I'm glad you didn't get jilted for your money. Are you going to go back to a situation where you're always sucking-up to his family? His brother is the center of everyone's attention; so where does that leave you?

You can't tell him to ask his family to butt-out; because they are a close-nit bunch. You're the outsider. To be honest, I don't think I'd let someone come along and tell me how to deal with my family either. Then again, my family doesn't have to be told to stay out of my business.

If you are suddenly back in his life, and he decides to tell everyone to shove-off. Who do you think they're coming after?

Just a thought.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Just to add - I got paid the £20k straightaway when I discovered the money had gone to the brother!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 March 2015):

You can stubbornly stay in one place held hostage by frustration and resentment, if you want to. He puts his family first, and you're the one out of £20k!!! You were extorted out of your money, and he may be well aware of it. He isn't going to give you any means of coming back after his family.

He set conditions for you to admit a threat you didn't make, so that places you in a conundrum. Accept being falsely-accused and mistreated, and you're welcome back into the fold.

You said you knew we would say just walk? If you didn't get a signed promissory-note for your money, you didn't have anyone sign a contract which set restrictions or conditions on the use of your money; then you're out your £20k, and your reconciliation with your limp-dicked ex-boyfriend is nothing more than a sham. Somehow, after reading your post; I don't think you want to go back to that mess. If you do, he set the conditions. Are you going to bend-over for that?

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (29 March 2015):

janniepeg agony auntIt's the whole team against you and you can't win. If they are willing to bail him out with millions, there is no way they would let him go to jail. I've seen families fund drug addictions to their children, pay for thousands of license debts, become nasty to the wives for trying to change situations. It's not they don't get it that he has a problem. His loyalty is to his family, not you.

These types of things happen in the corporate world, even in a small restaurant. Even if it's the upper management that did fraud and the lower manager tried to threaten and tell the upper upper management the lower one gets fired (told to quit), and that's it.

I am sorry to say and I don't try to be rude it's wise for you to butt out of this dysfunctional situation. The relationship is a lost cause but you could try and get a lawyer to see if you get back that money but don't mention his brother.

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