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Would you move thousands of miles for someone you loved but have to give up your goals or dreams?

Tagged as: Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2015) 10 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

So I met someone I am really into and we have been carrying on a long distance relationship for a few years! we met online. He lives on the other side of the country. I liked him since we first chatted though and we have talked everyday since then. I really can't imagine not talking to him anymore or not having him in my life. I grew to care about him too much and I have deep feelings for him. The feelings mutual. He talks about marriage a lot. I am thinking of a career change and going back to school but I also feel that since I am 33 and a woman I should be thinking more about settling down and having children soon before it becomes hard. I want to pursue my goal of a career in medicine but I also want to go to him and continue a relationship with him in his state but that would mean leaving behind these goals and dreams. I don't know what to do at this point and I'm getting nervous. I notice that every time I get in a new relationship i put off goals and dreams.

View related questions: long distance, met online

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (1 April 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt No, it does not necessarily makes " more sense " that you move. It makes more sense for him, because he's got his success and his goal accomplishments already- what about yours ?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (31 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntwhy does moving mean giving up your hopes and dreams? why can't you do both?

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (29 March 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntHave you and this guy ever been in the same place at the same time?????

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (29 March 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt NO. I DID move thousands of miles away to be with a man, but he happened to be my husband, not some guy I used to talk to through I-Net, and it also so happened that one of my hopes and dreams was precisely to go live where we went, and also that just being there put me in position to , or closer to, fulfill other hopes and dreams, reach certain professional goals and be exposed to certain life experiences , all of which it would have been harder/ slower to do in my country.

But just for a man, period - no, not at 30-35. And certainly not for a man whom I don't really know much in person.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He wants to be married in less than a year and he hinted at proposing at this family event when I go out there. He runs a business that is successful so it makes more sense that I move. He wants family as much as I. I just worry of waiting too long for it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntNo.

I moved thousand of miles away to be with my now husband, but I didn't GIVE up on my hopes and dreams - they DID however alter a bit - SO did his.

Would HE do the same for you?

And how much face-to-face time have you two had?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 March 2015):

In a word, NO!!! Why do you have to give-up your hopes and dreams?

I will not make sacrifices to be with someone who has shown me no significant effort on their part to compromise and meet me halfway.

If you've never spent considerable time with this man, and most of your LDR has been conducted online; his whole persona could be imaginary. We know what you're willing to do for him.

What is he willing to sacrifice and give-up for you?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (29 March 2015):

chigirl agony auntAnd to answer your headline question:

I've learned before that giving up your goals and dreams for a man is absolutely idiotic. So I wouldn't do it ever again. If he wants a relationship, then he can be the one to move. There are other fish in the sea if he doesn't.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (29 March 2015):

chigirl agony aunt"I am thinking of a career change and going back to school but I also feel that since I am 33 and a woman I should be thinking more about settling down and having children"

This only applies if there's an offer for settlement and babies on the tables. As of now, there's no such offer, so you can't really say you should focus more on these things, or think about them more, because you are SINGLE and no one has yet proposed or asked you to give birth to their babies.

Not that such an offer couldn't be around the corner, but this is the type of questions/discussions Ive heard so many times these last years that they've grown annoying. Everyone keeps asking "so when will you have kids". Perhaps it isn't so obvious to everyone on the planet, but you can't really marry ALONE and have babies ALONE. You need a partner for that sort of stuff. So for those unmarried/who are single, it really isn't up to US to decide, now is it? That sort of thing we need to have a partner for. So there is no point in "thinking more about it" or "focusing more on it" or putting your career on hold, or even planning on when you want to have babies/get married, because there is no such offer (marriage, babies) as of yet.

If you happened to be engaged, people could ask you "so when will you get married", or you could say to yourself perhaps you should focus more on getting married. If you already are married, you could ask yourself if you should have babies now or focus on career. But you're NOT married or engaged! The idea that you should think more about settling down is ridiculous, pardon me, precisely because you alone can not get married nor have children.

If you and this far away man were planning for marriage and children, and he asked you WHEN, well THEN would be the time to ask us whether you should focus on career or go for babies. But when there is no such offer on the table, you'd be a fool to throw away your career and hopes and dreams. For what would you throw it away? The possibility of perhaps settling down?

Think of it by using your brains. If settling with babies was replaced with a job offer, it would sounds like this:

Should I leave my career and my dreams for this job that I might not get, that I only have an interview for, the interview might take a few years, in the meantime who knows what?

No, you wouldn't take that "job". If you want to move for love and to get to know him, sure. But don't move and give up your career just because of a "perhaps, who knows". You'd not be focusing on either your career OR settling with babies if you moved to him. You'd be focusing on HIM, solely, nothing else.

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (29 March 2015):

Have you ever actually met your boyfriend in person?

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