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If you like a woman but want her to slow down what can you do?

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Question - (29 March 2015) 9 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi, Help needed! I met this woman who I've known for years and always liked. We got together recently and I really like her but she was coming on a bit intense. I backed off but she was still intense, texting a lot. I def' like her but want to go at a slow pace so in the heat of the moment I pretended I had a girlfriend. She has now backed off and is acting just like a friend. If you like a woman but want her to slow down what can you do? I thought if I just told her I wanted to take it easy she might be more offended and take it personally so the girlfriend excuse seemed like a better option. I know I'm an idiot but I'm gonna look like an even bigger idiot if I say I made it up. We left it open that we still like each other and will meet up as friends in the near future. If/when I see her again how can I get back to how things were? Do I just say nothing and see what she says? She was coming on way strong but I do like her and I think she is just a bit insecure apart from that all is fine with her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2015):

You can't change people. That is just how she is, I guess. And judging by your age, I assume she is in the same age range, people are pretty set in their ways at that point. You just gotta take it or leave it.

If you want to be with her then you may just have to deal with her intensity and her aggressive texting. That's just what you are going to get with her.

I kind of agree with you, though. I too would find it less offensive if a guy made up that he had a girlfriend rather than come right out and tell me I come on too strong. The latter is just kind of a put down and it would more than likely hurt her feelings, she'd probably spend the next month stewing over it, which would lead her to feel even more insecure. So you told a little white lie instead. No harm in that.

I don't know if there is any way to salvage this at this point though without just giving it time. Just go with the flow and keep meeting her casually. And ease your way into having something with her. Don't know how much details you gave her about this "girlfriend" but if you were vague, then at some point when things are going well, elaborate more on this "relationship." Provide her with more details about this "girlfriend" who you briefly dated for about 3 months and then she got a job offer in Thailand and moved away. See where I am going?

I think you'll be fine. Your lie was absolutely harmless. And it was way better than putting her down and telling her she is too aggressive. If you play your cards right, I think you can redeem the situation. Unfortunately, though, if it's in her nature to come on too intensely, you can't change that.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntFull on AMEN to WiseOwlE's advice.

YOU are WAY to old to cook up some lie instead of JUST being honest.

Personally, If I were her, I would not believe you if you told me that you made up a lie of another GF instead of telling me I was coming on too strongly. I'd think you were a liar and that would be the end of that.

Telling someone, hey, I really only use texts of emergencies and occasional small talk but NOT as a medium to get to know someone - it's FAIR and it's honest. And if THAT would hurt her feelings that you don't want to BE in a text-tornado, then she IS not for you.

Telling someone, Hey, I'd love to talk and chat, but between hours 9am-5pm I'm at work, and when at work I don't have time to catch up or shoot the breeze. And if she CAN'T understand/accept that.... she IS not for you.

Telling someone, Hey I would really like to get to know you, but I think we need to take things a bit slower, cut down the texting a few notches, I'd actually rather talk in person. So can we chill with the texting a tad? And AGAIN, if she takes offense or whatnot, then SHE i NOT for you.

YOU are a grown ASS man. ACT like one.

IT IS OK to not want to text constantly.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015):

OP here again. Generally she is an independent woman just a bit insecure I think and I know she has liked me for a long time too, in a genuine way. She did send me a message saying sorry for overkill on the texts and she backed right off. I suggested the friendship thing so I could stay in touch and not lose her completely. I told her I want to still text her. WiseOwlE if you tell a girl to back off y'you reckon she would take it personally and think you don't fancy her? My last gf was seeing other men behind my back so that ended badly and my fwb just fizzled out partly as long distance.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015):

Thanks for the replies. I forgot to mention I've known her for a few years and always fancied her but she was with her ex then was getting over him then I was in an fwb so it's 'timing'. I enjoy her company big time, talking to her and hanging out with her and I fancy her big time. I just want to take it easy and overkill on the texting kind of kills the fun.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 March 2015):

I have to give you a dose of tough-love here, brother.

You are an adult, and you have to be able to handle adult-situations. It is better to start-off a prospective romantic-connection with honesty. If the lady is too aggressive or intense; perhaps she's simply not the right kind of woman for you. It doesn't make you a wimp, or less of a man to prefer a less-aggressive woman. It makes you less of a man to be a liar!

Maybe you're afraid she'll think you're not man enough to handle her. Perhaps you're not; if you have to stoop to deceiving her.

You are old enough to know better than to lie to women about who you are, what you do; and especially, about your dating-status. Lying becomes a habit. One lie leads to another, and another. It is not a good reflection on your character to use lying as a way to gain control of a situation. It was better to ask her to slow-down, and tell her straightaway she was really getting too intense.

Let her know right off the bat, if you're not into a lot of texting or messaging. She needs to know your likes and dislikes. She doesn't know, she's doing what she normally does. Which is why she's probably still single. She has the right to pursue the kind of man she wants, and in her own way. So let her know if you're not that kind of guy.

Now you've made it twice as hard, because you think she'll be embarrassed to be told she was coming on far too strong.

If she's an assertive-woman, she won't be. If she's too assertive for you, she needs to be told. She seems desperate. That will scare most men off.

By the same token: "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!"

I think you should call her, setup a date to talk, and set this straight with the truth. Tell her you panicked and was not honest about having a girlfriend. Tell her why!!! You're being a coward if you don't. Man-up and do it!

Explain to her that you prefer to take it slow, to see where it might go. I don't think she's right for you anyway. You don't gain their trust, by lying to women.

She will not know when you're being totally honest with your feelings about her. Creating insecurity. Like gaining trust isn't hard enough with a single mature-woman, as it is.

If you've got to slow her down, do it! You've got to be the man in this situation. She may be very lonely and starved of attention. She may not realize the impression she is making; and it may have been working against her all along.

She desperately needs a man too badly; and it has already put your back against the wall. My guess is the minute she knows you lied, she'll think she has the leverage to manipulate you through your guilt. She will again come-on like a freight-train, the minute she knows you're single and available. She's not going to let the opportunity slip through her fingers. You have every right to pump the breaks, or take a walk. You are not an easy feast for a man-eater. So be a man, and fix it. She may kick you to the curb, but respect you for it.

Come on! You're not really worried about her feelings, you're trying to save face. I see right through you. I'm a guy too. I'm going to give it to you straight, bro.

My suggestion is, tell the truth and deal with the consequences. Apologize and tell her you know that was very wrong and unfair to her. And mean it!!! Don't pretend to be friends. You will be forming your friendship under deception. Which makes that a lie as well. If she tells you to go f*ck yourself, you had it coming. If she forgives you, be straight with her from here on. If she can't slow-down, let her know you don't think you're the right guy for her. If you have to tell her that again; don't suggest being friends, that won't work. She's too needy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015):

This could run and run and become silly and dangerous.

I strongly suggest that you just tell her exactly what you've told us - that you like her, that she came on far too strong and you felt very awkward about asking her to slow down so you said, on the spur of the moment, that you had a girlfriend because you've never had a woman come onto you so fast and furious before and you didn't know how to handle it.

I myself have made the mistake of being far too intense with a man purely out of complete insecurity and because I thought I had to impress him. I've really not been in many relationships at all and the one's I have been in I've been loyal and loving but been crapped on. So when I've come on far too strong it's also been due to years of being neglected or simply used by a previous boyfriend.

This woman will, I am sure, forgive you and will understand and may even LOVE the fact that you respect her and want to go slow with her. Most women would take this as a compliment as long as they are reassured that you genuinely do like her. Just tell her you felt out of your depth and now you feel really stupid for making that excuse. In fact, many, many women say things like "oh, I'm waiting for my boyfriend" or "oh, I must ask my husband about that" in order to fend off unwanted attention from men, when they don't even have a boyfriend or husband. So, you just have to grow a pair and tell her and hope for the best!! Good luck!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015):

Thanks! I've heard from other blokes that this is a common lie though to get a girl to calm down then you get back in touch when you see that she can back off. I am regretting it now. I didn't exactly know how to tell her I want her to slow down in case she took it really personally and thought I didn't fancy her or was blowing her out then never spoke to me again so making up a gf seemed the better option at the time. My sister called me an idiot but that isn't helping.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (29 March 2015):

Garbo agony auntWell, since you are play acting then go all the way and announce that you are breaking up with your invented GF, that it was a short relationship, that the reason for the breakup is ______(fill in the most egregious deal breaker)___. Then few days later ask your new girl out chat with her about your time horizon etc. so basically just play act out of the crap you got yourself into then forget about the entire episode.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (29 March 2015):

janniepeg agony auntIf a woman can't take "take it slow" as an answer and you had to say something stupid like you had a girlfriend then she might not be the one for you. She acted like she possesses you even before you agreed that you two were dating. Not a good sign. Let's say after a month you said you broke up with your supposed girlfriend, then this friend came on twice as strong like a revenge. It won't help things. You would just be delaying the process of trying to confront this issue. Another thing is that there will be trusts issues later because if you can have a "girlfriend" while have feelings for another, how can she tell that if she becomes your girlfriend you won't talk to another woman? I think the lie worked to make her back off but it would do nothing to build trust when she is insecure from the start. There would be drama and you would slowly stop liking her.

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