A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. I'll go ahead and jump right in. I'm a 30 year old male. I've been seeing my gf for just over a year now. We have talked about moving in together within the next year or so and marriage, but her behaviors are totally destroying our relationship and I don't have a clue how to handle it. She has a very fiery temper, but she doesn't express it like most women I've ever encountered. Most women, who have ever been upset with me in the past, have cried or yelled or simply just communicated their feelings to me. But my gf doesn't do any of those things. When she gets mad, or upset, she completely shuts off and acts completely apathetic of our relationship and says horrible things. She will get upset and then go on to casually tell me she thinks we are horrible for each other and how she wants nothing to do with me anymore and that she wants to break up. She becomes this person I don't recognize. And any effort I make to try to talk just makes her more apathetic. So then I just give up and give her what she claims she wants. But then, after the damage is done, about an hour or two later, she starts to calm down and realizes she acted out of anger and immediately regrets it and then either calls or sends me a text. This has been a pattern and she swore to me she was going to change it because I told her I was at my wits end over it. She hadn't done it for nearly six months, then she went and did it again last night. She was mad over something small and trivial and then told me she wanted to get off the phone. I gave her her space and she called an hour or two later and proceeded to pick a huge fight with me. She was still mad from earlier so she went on to tell me I am no good for her, that I don't make her happy, that she wants out because she's miserable with me because I suck as a boyfriend. When we got off the phone, within two hours, she sent me a text saying "I'm so sorry about how I spoke to you while I was angry. I would call you, but you probably want nothing to do with me at this point. I just want you to know I truly do love you with all of my heart. You didn't deserve that and I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I was just angry."Thing is, she's done this countless times over the course of our relationship. she gets mad and tells me how horrible of a bf I am. it's caused quite a bit of insecurity in me, as every time we fight, I just wait for her to react like that. it makes me feel expendable and not of value because her reaction is so cold and hurtful, it's terrible. I do know her well enough to know that she really, truly doesn't mean the things she says when she's mad. She doesn't just do this to me. She does it to her family, as well. she just literally loses her temper that badly and it's out of control. But I don't know how much more punishment I can take. I know I'm a relatively good bf. I treat her well and with respect. I just wonder if too much damage has been caused and if it's fixable. How do I get past this? Is it even possible? And should I? Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2014):
 I agree with YouWish.
she's using it to "punish" you and get what she wants.
It would be one thing to do what my husband does which is to shut down walk away and get over it and then it's over and done... or to shut down walk away and come back and talk about it when she's calmer.
Personally I would say to her " I want to be with you but every time you say you are ending the relationship it's crazy making time. Therefore, today we START fresh. IF YOU EVER say you are ending the relationship with me again I will ask you once "ARE YOU SURE because this is your ONE and ONLY last chance to NOT end it" when she says YES. Say 'ok you've made your choice, we are done"
and then end it. You don't need this kind of abuse and manipulation from her.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 February 2014):
 You need to stand up for yourself. She's using the threat of a breakup as a bully tactic because it works. A breakup is a Nuclear Event in a relationship, meaning when it's on the table, it's like a bullet or a nuclear bomb or a scrambled egg. You can't call back a bullet once it's been shot, you can't undetonate a nuclear bomb, and you can't unscramble an egg.
The whole song and dance is nothing short of emotional abuse. The way to stop her in her tracks is to make the breakup Nuclear, meaning if she calls for it, you tell her that there is no coming back from this, that there is no "I was just mad - I didn't mean it" clause.
Your emotions are starting to become calloused because if she does it too many times, your emotions numb up to avoid the sting of her emotional abuse, which will eventually, out of self-preservation, tell her that you don't care, and that she can walk.
Do not let her get away with this. She fought with you for 2 hours on the phone, so don't let a cowardly text apology let her off the hook. Text her back that you want to see her - IN PERSON. Then, when she sees you, lower the boom on her. Calmly tell her that if she wants to be with you, the breakup threats will stop. The "we're horrible for each other" talk will stop, and the next time she threatens breakup with you is the moment she will never see you again. Tell her that you will not ever live in fear that working out problems or arguing will endanger a relationship.
Then tell her that she decides here and now that if she wants to stay with you, that she will never ever threaten you with a breakup again or say rotten things about your relationship as a cowardly way to avoid working things out. In fact, the only time a breakup enters her lips is the day you break up forever, so she needs to consider the impact of her words, because you are no longer going to put up with it during a fight.
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