A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I have a strict question about sexuality/fantasies in relationships.First off, I have come to a point with my girlfriend where I'm pretty certain everything can be put in the open if asked correctly, that is, it works generally with people but you have to be more careful in romance. So I just went into moment and it was asked naturally, so she told me, after I convinced her she can tell, despite her feeling awkward at first. Here's to short it down: One example, some multiple penetrating scenes(though she states she has short attention-span on porn, and doesn't too much prefer it), more that it is unexplainably fascinating, but nothing of a real desire in reality. That it isn't permanent and it was just momentary mental scene she could recall. And that there is no focus on real individuals, but act itself, I understand that, its nothing new in sexual psychology. But I kind of had a weird feeling because she didn't mention me, and told it in a way that its uncomfortable and that I wouldn't like to hear that. If it was uncomfortable to her, and needless to talk about it, she could soften the point coming across with adding some fantasies about me. That is, if she has any. Now my question is following. You could say fantasies mean nothing if they aren't acts. Its common sense. But if you say everyone imagines something that excludes their partner, once in a while, then you are wrong. I happen to have her in my mind constantly, even in the dirtiest corners of pornographic imagery, even if watching porn scene, my mind sees/includes her. I don't put myself in center of it, I don't fantasize about multiple girls, nor porn actresses, and I realized that porn actresses mentally serve only as a sexual resemblance of my girlfriend. Yes, people who are 100% mentally exclusive to their partner do exist.I've noticed that men who feel threatened by sexual fantasies of their girlfriends if they happen to know about them, or guess, are being told to: "you also watched porn for sure" and such... I certainly have and do, but see where I'm getting at - she doesn't leave my mind even then, I end up focusing on her mentally.In that sense, I feel a little bit of inadequate. I don't consider fantasies harmful or anything like that, but I don't believe that its imperatively "natural" to imagine sex outside of relationship.Yet, I feel a bit vulnerable like this, I'd like to be able to say: "I have variety of fantasies too, but I don't mean to act on them", however I can't do it, I can't remove her from my lust in any regard, even if I tried.What do you think about this? Any similar experiences or any opinion to share?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2014): David, I think these fantasy have to do with primal urge for powerful, aggressive male(s) who will, its instinctive. That's why many women find sociopaths and serial killers attractive. Secretly or privately, it turns them on just like men are attracted to good looking women. There is something more to it, besides getting a thrill. She also said so about confidence, just like you explained, but jerk or a dangerous aggressive powerful man is where they can find it. We average humans have normal amount of confidence, but we can lose confidence also because we're human. What they seek in these fantasies is a ruthless character, "immoral" generally but who desires them so much that they would be raped or gang-banged by them, whose amount of confidence is idealized, insane almost. It is opposite of relationship, stable guy they consciously claim they're attracted to. In that moment it doesn't matter if he will objectize her, in a way 'rape fantasy' is not genuine rape, more that they can let go fully by being taken, avoid of responsibility. Note I'm talking about psychological effect. Because if this weren't true, they would romantically fantasize along all else about their boyfriends, or husbands.She is very inexperienced, and we can't have sex too often because of we're reallocated in different cities, and when we do, I now start to suspect that she doesn't actually starve for me to be a sensitive, considerate lover. Someone said you fantasize about what you don't have, but I find myself fantasizing about her the longer I don't see her.I can also notice in real-life that she doesn't subconsciously respond well if I'm too nice, then I almost feel friend-zoned or either that she doesn't respect me. Sure, emotions and my expression are good for her in some crucial moments, but I don't think that will keep any sexual attraction.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2014): OP here again.David, now we're talking.Let me be clear for all participants. I'm not here to whine about my insecurities if that was the initial impression, but to understand and collect useful information from people so that I can better manage my relationship, so let's see where the topic can lead.This will be somehow longer, it gets interesting though...David says: "but nobody would really like to run around getting shot at for hours on end"I think this is obvious in most cases for practical reasons, but to say that fantasy doesn't reflect reality at all sounds as insufficient explanation. Again, someone who likes tripping about violence and finds it appealing, must have this instinct rooted deep down, but in most cases won't do it because there are certain limits he dares not to cross. But put an average men in war, give them "licence", and many will turn into instinctive killers and sadists. Or, if the consequences would be mitigated, many would pull the trigger if they "had it in themselves".I just wanted to comment on that part, that its not so simple as to just make utter distinction between fantasy and reality.In this case, it would appear to me that its very much related to reality, but before you take me for a literal conclusion, think of it this way... Its related in a sense that there must be symbolic connection, cause or meaning behind it all, you can't nullify mind/psychology to a point that it doesn't mean nothing at all.So it doesn't mean she wants to get raped, nor any woman for that sake. Something is there though that I've been trying to figure out for the purpose of keeping my relationship and be the best I can. And that is called female need/desire for a dominant, powerful men who can lead them.To break it down, she doesn't like that I dig up some stuff that relies on statistical generalizations. Once I made mistake, because I knew she will deny it, and told her that women don't prefer 'nice guys', they would rather choose jerks. I mean, on animal primordial level, not some Hugh Grant comedy nonsense. I don't want to go deep into this, but I feel like more of a nice guy, and it bothers me, and puts me to unease. She never agrees. But I think this fantasy proves it, deep down its a symbolism for female preference for dominant and aggressive type(Alpha), sexually. Otherwise women wouldn't fantasize about 50 shades of grey, when you dig to the core, but about romantic, idealistic, mannered, god-fearing geeks or nerds. Deep down everything is animalistic and that's why I just have those moments where I feel helpless against nature, feel like its all fake or conditioned, and that monogamy isn't possible. Believe me, it is not insecurity, its just that I become more certain how reality isn't what I want it to be.On topic, if this is correct even to 10%, then I think I'll really have to keep my weaknesses away from her(the more the better, which is not easy), and that she prefers rough types secretly, which I don't believe is an isolated case, so I guess I should stop romanticizing relationships because hard game is in front of me. And by monogamy being questionable I'm hitting the wall with reality, by this I mean; its my personal struggle.Otherwise, there is a component of anonymous, of dangerous, of raw sexual Id inside her(and most women), and of course sometimes I ask myself if I'm enough for her or any female, not out of insecurity, but led by logic, and I've seen no counter-evidence.Bear with me, I'm not saying that transgressions of monogamy in mind are wrong by any standard, or that I'm somehow better because I don't have them, I'm just saying that I would want to learn how to build strong relationship with her so that no one is hurt at some future point, and that we're both satisfied.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): "As for double penetration... you can pull that off
get a good life realistic strap on... put it on yourself above your penis and penetrate her doggy style with the strap on and your own body.
another life like dildo can be used for giving oral."
no it can't. she said that it was more of a fascination about how it feels from penises point of experience, not inside vagina, but that she can't properly explain. I think(note: my opinion) in translation it has more to do about her being turned on/excited by how male participants feel, not female having anal and vagina threefold filled.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 I desire never to exercise and eat all the junk food I want.
NOT happening. But boy it' would be nice wouldn't it.
OP you are really looking to stir up trouble where none is needed aren't you?
As for double penetration... you can pull that off
get a good life realistic strap on... put it on yourself above your penis and penetrate her doggy style with the strap on and your own body.
another life like dildo can be used for giving oral.
blindfold her to make it even more realistic.
BTDT with a former partner (male) who wanted the same sex fantasy without the guy... easy peasy.
as for fantasy sharing... Yes it can be a good idea IF it's not going to create problems and insecurities as it's doing here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): "Also, maybe you did not mean it this way, but somehow you make it sound in your post as if fantasizing monogamously about your gf is somehow more appropriate, more legit, more respectful."No, I'm just saying as it is and trying to understand perspective different than mine. Understand it, not compare values of perspectives. "Holier than thou" game is not on my list.So the question as it were, I know that its something psychological only, and I see the point about fantasy being just a play different than real-life. But what I intended to ask is, isn't it to some degree still a desire? A desire which you would want to fulfill in the right circumstances? You may not because you commited yourself in accordance to boundaries, but you get the question... I'm not making conclusions, just asking. Because I don't have such inner experience, so I'm curious as to what it means for people and why wouldn't you do something that turns you on?Another thing she admitted was rape fantasy(well not rape in real sense, but more of a mind play). I even pre-assumed it, and said I find nothing abnormal with that, it doesn't bother me. When its something like this, it can be done as mutual role-play, it can be narrated, whatever. This is the act itself, so easy to apply. But when its multiple penises or similar, then no. Its impossible unless there is open-relationship and no problem from both sides.So I'm asking then, when you have such fantasy, do you only not act upon it because you're in relationship, or because its technically difficult to pull it out just like that. or, is it because random fantasies have nothing to do with genuine desire whatsoever?^^^^ This is what I'd like to discuss.She told me its not something she would do though, for both cases, and she suspected the other day I was in a down-mood for hearing about this, so she said "its not that you are not enough or anything like that". Obviously, she knows how it can come across, but I explained sharing in fantasy domain is constructive, and I really don't have a problem, but how can I explain the motive for my topic better, hm... I am curious as to better understand what turns her on, I don't want her to be unsatisfied.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 I guess it just means that she is different from you.
Not everybody is so disciplined that they can train their mind to have sexy thoughts ONLY over the most socially appropriate object, in fact you are so disciplined that somehow you have trained even your deepest subconscious mind to have the " right " fantasies. But I guess most people won't have this talent / mindset / inclination, or the will to cultivate it .
Fantasy ,after all, is about transgression. About escape. About living in your mind an alternative reality that in real life you never could or WOULD want to live.
I have never heard of, say, a bank clerk who fantasizes about.. working in a bank. It's more frequent that they daydream about being a rockstar, or a venture soldier.
That does not happen to you, you fantasize just exactly what you can have IRL. Good for you , maybe you are just hardwired this way, but - it is not very usual and - sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it ? Which is to offer yourself SAFELY something wild or new or dangerous etc., which you would actually not do IRL.
Also, maybe you did not mean it this way, but somehow you make it sound in your post as if fantasizing monogamously about your gf is somehow more appropriate, more legit, more respectful. Uhm. I don't know . I guess it depends from the fantasy scenarios you conjure up. Not all fantasies are clean, sweet and romantic, they often are " nasty " , out there,outrageous. Some people fantasizes about urinating and defecating on a person . Or about raping somebody. I would not be that terribly thrilled to know that I am the only protagonist in the fantasies of a man who gets turned on by this stuff. I'd find it disturbing, also if it's obviously not his fault or choice. I'd rather not know, or suspect, that he sees ME in his storyline . Or, I'd much rather know that he fantasizes about some other woman, a porn actress or a fictional character or something.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): Hello, OP here.Lets go step by step."You watch porn, so you're seeing anonymous sexual imagery. It's the same with her fantasy about multiple penetration. It's anonymous sexual imagery."I'm seeing anonymous but it serves just as a background, I reconnect it with her. I can just turn off porn and it would make no difference. I also find myself always using her photos along with porn. Porn is just a way for me to add sexual atmosphere to mental image of her. "Don't feel inadequate! She hasn't talked about specific fantasies involving people you know! "She didn't, but I'm afraid to ask. She told me this in the momentum, and I could but I don't want to go any further. "We get this kind of question mostly from women because it is mostly them that have such fragile egos that they need to be 100% everything to their partner."It is true that there are some myths and generalizations. Like, only men have wilder mindset, are more horny, more aloof, they are checking out other women because its "natural for them", etc. But that's not the case. "is it natural for you to wonder what it would be like to bone Beyoncé or Miley Cyrus? You honestly never look at Shakira and wonder what it would be like to bend her over a table? Or wondered what her breasts look like outside the bra?"I don't. Maybe when I'm single, and have no one in back of my mind, but even then it would be empty and not really interesting to think about. Back then I looked all types of extreme stuff out of frustration because I had no options, so it was a form of masochism(masturbatory psychological resolving). Anyway, every single fantasized bit back then was something I would do if given a chance. The same way, as currently in relationship, everything that turns me on in head would be something I would do with her. According to this, I'd like to pose one more question:When you guys have the type of fantasies that you wouldn't wanna try in real life, how does that work? Is it the social taboos, commitment, or something else that makes you 100% sure you wouldn't try something which turns you on if given a safe opportunity?Is it not possible that utter fantasies = utter desires? And we don't do them when we could hurt someone, or simply be embarassed? But if we could be honest with ourselves, despite not acting upon it in real life, its something that "floats a boat"?"it's just something that is happening to you and it may only be because the relationship is still fresh."I forgot to mention. Its not fresh, and I'm always like that, even more with time passing. We are into relationship close to year and a half now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): We get this kind of question mostly from women because it is mostly them that have such fragile egos that they need to be 100% everything to their partner.
In my experience mental exclusivity varies as to why it occurs. I know I experience it a lot in the honeymoon period of relationships but I'm not afraid to fantasise about others either.
To people who are like that it's a mental burden, sure they may know that fantasy is only fantasy, but they feel such pride in the fact they're mentally monogamous like it's some kind of amazing thing that it hurts to think their partner isn't on the same page. It's a very egocentric train of thought. You're more focused on how great you are for thinking that way that somehow your partner has become a little less great because in comparison she doesn't do the same.
I've made the "mistake" of having a partner like that and admit to her that sometimes I use other women for wankspiration, she asked and I was too naive back then to realise you have to constantly lie to women in order to spare their feelings while in a relationship.
Lucky enough for me, my wife and I were close friends who talked about all our fantasies before we even got together, so I already knew which lies I'd have to tell, and frankly I don't have to tell any that are meaningful.
Your problem here OP, is that your ego has been a bit hurt. You may not feel it has to be "natural" to think about others in a fantasy but it is for most of us. I mean is it natural for you to wonder what it would be like to bone Beyoncé or Miley Cyrus? You honestly never look at Shakira and wonder what it would be like to bend her over a table? Or wondered what her breasts look like outside the bra? I doubt that very much. Even if it's only a thought for 10 seconds then it's still a fantasy, and everyone does that so no one is truly 100% mentally exclusive.
The thing is you seem smart enough to know there is nothing about inadequacy in this. It's not a case of you being more serious about her just because you generally only fantasise about her, it's just something that is happening to you and it may only be because the relationship is still fresh.
You're putting too much importance in a thing that's not important.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): That's amazing, :,) is that really true? There's hope for us all. What you have described is something alot of women dream about! I'm similar, I couldn't think of other guys when I was with my ex, he only thought about sex for 10 minutes a day and that was about some pornstar he's never going to meet. He crushed the sh*t out of me.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 February 2014):
 I think you're overthinking things here. You watch porn, so you're seeing anonymous sexual imagery. It's the same with her fantasy about multiple penetration. It's anonymous sexual imagery. When you watch porn, you may say that your mind sees and includes her, however your masturbation that accompanies it is a solo act that does NOT include her. Likewise, her fantasy involves her solo sexuality which does not include you. There's nothing to worry about here, and she's not secretly wanting to get with other guys. It's the anonymous sexual imagery.
Don't feel inadequate! She hasn't talked about specific fantasies involving people you know! Think of it this way - you say that she doesn't leave your thoughts, but you watch porn. A woman processes things differently. For her, the mental monogamy isn't an imagery issue like it is for men. It's an EMOTIONAL issue, and I bet you anything that she is 1,000% emotionally monogamous when it comes to you.
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