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What should a wife do when her husband is going to prostitutes?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2007) 16 Answers - (Newest, 11 March 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

What should a wife do when her husband is going to prostitutes?

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A male reader, bharat mehta India +, writes (11 March 2010):

bharat mehta agony auntThere is no easy answer that satisfy the mind, or offer on hand solution.The problem is basically related to marriage relationship. It is a matter of details only that husband cheat wife, by approaching prostitute or lover, or wife cheat husband by approaching lover...

Greatest thinkers of the world say with agreed voice, that marriage is death-bed of erotic romance. Simply because in marriage sex became routine activity like eating, sleeping, doing business work etc etc etc.Under such conditions sex loss its romance and poetry. Sex should be EROTIC, as it is during 'dating period' is the only solution that has the creative power to make marriage relationship alive, and will not give way for dishonesty.

Divorce is not medicine that cure the root of disease. If we want marriage system to work for its cause, than we should think seriously about its right nutrition. Eroticism is truest and real nutrition of love, sex, and romance.

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A male reader, simple person Belgium +, writes (5 July 2009):

I find most answers simple minded based on an extrapolation of the question. The question does not state if the husband is an addict, if it happened in an exceptional cases, or it is recurrent, etc.

If it is rare, time specific, confronting the problem may work. Addiction, well, start packing.

What drives men to prostitutes or lovers? If you understand that you probably can avoid it altogether in the first place (for normal men). If he loves you (yes, it can be even then) there may be a simple solution, let me explain.

The basis of the problem is threeforld: a) Men get older but not the sex drive. b) Men need to continue chasing you after marriage. c) Men do not like to "feel" they are the property of the wife.

What does this mean?

a) I personally hate it when my wifes says that sex is not important, such a little thing in life... we are not the same. Not her maybe, but sexually my body and sex drive is still the same 20 years down the line! I am hoping for a male menopause to come soon and get this motor off. Just also letting the husband "jump" you often is not the answer at all, sex is more than just a fast release, it is a game.

b) I also see sentences saying "the husband belongs to me, he promissed, married etc"... if you want the husband to be unfaithful, please repeat this to him every day. This is the first reason when a normal man goes to prostitutes, when he is taken for granted, he has been labbled out-of-date. When they want to escape to freedom, but have to many feelings for the family... well they go to a prostitute (may seem contradictory). If you want to keep your husband with his mind on you... well, flirt with him and other men (very slightly please). Make him fear you are independent, free to leave (whatever you may feel). My wife seems to be able to break up without much ado AND THAT IS REALLY A GOOD MOTIVATION not to mess up. She is caring, loves me, has no interest in other men but seems independent. She never makes scenes, neither has she ever lift, but I feel I need to keep seducing her, winning her love.

c) If you want your husband not to start going to prostitutes DO NOT REPEAT ALL THE TIME THAT HE IS YOUR HUSBAND AND YOU OWN HIM... a guarantee that he will find a lover or will go to a prostitute. Make him feel free, men are driven by challenges, if going astray is not one then it loses interest... HOWEVER make sure you show you are able to drop him instantly, so he will not "use" the freedom!

Ok that is before the problem arises, or to draw his attention back.

Options if he is going already to prostitues?

1. Absolutely confront him, he has to realise the second life is not secret and separated. If there is still love and he wakes up AND STOPS, there may be a way. He has to explain... the truth! If you cannot forgive him ever... just brake up for your sake, what is a shitty relationship for? If you stay make sure he knows you do not need him and you are ready to go, see point b) above.

2. If the cause is sex addiction... I think it is grave and you have to consider moving. Sex has a similar mental pathway for men as drugs and gambling. Normally it does not change.

By the way, a final point, I find the insults to prostitutes out of place. Most women prostitutes are women who have been molested when young. Many women in brothels are traffiked and where forced into it. Most don't see the way out. I feel sorry for them, they are damaged people. No need to like them, but they are not "pieces of shit", these are mainly troubled humans. In the end the fault is of customers.

In the end... but not an excuse, I really want the amount of porn thrown onto us to be limited to sex shops. It is making men and specially teanagers have a very damaged view of sex. I do not want when I google butterfly or Bill Clinton to get 200 porn pages listed between the answers. Porn is unnatural sex... I am sure it drives otherwise normal men to prostitutes in the search for it.

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A female reader, disappointedwoman United States +, writes (29 August 2008):

Sorry..I am now replying to the woman who asked the question. What you should do is get evidence of his infidelity, because otherwise he will deny it later. Then you should run, run, run. Run as fast as you can. I'm sorry. Get a divorce and save your sanity. This will destroy you inside if you try to "save him". In these cases, the women want to save the husband so much more than the husband wants to be saved.

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A female reader, disappointedwoman United States +, writes (29 August 2008):

I'm responding to Ginalolabrigida's answer. Sorry Gina, but you I disagree with you. This woman's husband isn't cheating because she isn't giving him sex...he is cheating because he wants to cheat. I don't like it when people jump to the assumption that the wife in these situtions isn't trying hard enough to please the husband, therefore he has an excuse to act like a horny teenager. I went to therapy with my husband at first...and our therapist told me that she had another client whose husband claimed he did this stuff because he wansn't getting enough sex...so she decided to give him so much sex that he couldn't possibly need to get it elsewhere. Guess what, he still saw prostitutes, because it wasn't about the sex...it was about ego and power. She could become a sexual acrobat and it wouldn't help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008):

Hi,

I hope you have gotten the answers you were looking for i just wanted to say to the man who posted i will never forgive him ever! he did me wrong and it is only right he pays in this life as well as the next i don't make his life hell we live and do things together now and it is not pleasant at times but we get on with it to forgive is to forget and i am afraid his sexual addiction to sluts has brought me problems too i have to live with the fact i am with a man whom i was totally and utterly devoted too was loyal, faithful for our whole marriage (29yrs) and he on the other hand has been with hundreds of slappers why should i forgive that?

No sorry you see this from a man's view i don't i see it from the moral view you are not married to fuck around behind your wives back with filthy sluts who could have so easily infected him and him infect me!! no never in a million years do we have to forgive that!! His maker will do that not me.

I could have so easily exposed his sordid secret to the world and to family and friends but i never instead i choose to make my marriage work and to resolve whatever the hell what went wrong with him we are still raw 2 yrs on from this so don't tell me to set him free or forgive you are not living my life or in my shoes until you are and have walked a mile in them only then will i listen to you!!

Tara

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008):

I am a man, I am married, I have not ever cheated on my wife but I have wanted to. I love her, I fancy her, even after nearly 10 years and yet I want to sleep with other woman, whores, mens wives, strangers. Why?

Simple - lust. Lust is born from temptation, and then lust gives way to thought, then to action and then the sin is deeply commited. I have gotten as far as talking to hookers, emailing them, but not visiting. What stops me? I don't know. But, what I am trying to say is this. We are all weak, and we all sin, your husband, like me is a sexual sinner. Jesus himself said, if you think it you've done it, so if you have ever thought of sleeping with another you are without sin.

Forgive him if you can. Send him to a website called settingcaptivesfree.com and watch him change. If you love this man then you owe it to you both to see if he can repent and change and if you can then move on together. He has to admit his fault, see it is wrong and seek to change. You may think I am a religious nut, but no, I am a sinner, who keeps falling, but God can and will help us all. Just seek him.

Be strong, and may God be with you both.

Tara - please either forgive him or set him free. Public ridicule will not make him change, what it may do is make him and others turn on you. You deserve to be upset, but don't forget this. He is still your husband and he's hurting too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007):

Hi,

I too like you have a husband who used whores nasty disgusting pieces of shit they are and he came to me looking for his weekly sex too now firstly he is a sex addict make no bones about that he needs help asap! You both need to go get checked for std's and Hiv asap.

Then if you decide you want him to change and stay and work this out you go to Relate for couple counselling then he has to get an appt for a sex therapist to work out his issues with whores.

Do not take this personally i did and it nearly killed me thay are scumbags whores they open their legs for money i mean what kind of women does that?? Desperate saddo's that's who and yes your hubby is sick and sad too imagine the money he has gone through over the years doing this i have got my hubby at breaking point do what i did threaten to tell everyone he knows his work his friends family etc; then tell him you are not sure whether you can go on living in this life tell him your thinking of suicide! Believe me watch him jerk and beg at the knees when you hit him with this one classic it really is!!Especially if you have kids and he sees his future as a one man band!

You see he like my hubby will have no real consequences if you do decide to make it work as your not going to tell people whilst still with him so just to keep him on his toes threaten him every now and then just till he gets the message believe you me when he gets the shit knocked out him he will come crawling then he is at your disposal!

I know some might say this is cruel but hell look what he has put you through? and you need to have a carot dangling infront of him for the time being till you get plan 2 worked out.

I have got my hubby at the stage he cries like a baby now and yes i do get pleasure out of his pain now although i do come all over sad when he weeps!!!!!!

I don't recommend you do this long term do it till you get satisfied he has learned his lesson and when you see massive changes then you can stop only time will tell with this and believe you me most men crawl when they know all is about to be exposed he won't be so cocky then!!

This is what i have done to test mine yes it can be a bit tricky especially as he could just say fuck this but then whats his alternative EXPOSURE!! You have the upper hand now USE IT WELL AND TO YOUR ADVANTAGE!

Mind get your checks done and you take charge of the money phones the lot give him what he needs the way i see it now he had a ball over years spending getting pleasured i will use his money to get the pleasure i need not sexually that's way too morally wrong for me sorry i don't drop my drawers for just any man!! I am unique was a virgin when i married and only had him hell men might be queueing up for me if i wanted!!(only joking) You go for it girl and i wish you all the best give him his just deserts.

Tara.(45)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007):

Yes joining him is the best option. I know he would be for it if he is a real man, and the whores might be able to teach you a thing or two about pleasing your man.

You might enjoy it too!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2007):

Join him! You might enjoy it. Help him to gratify all of his physical desires, and you never know, they might just turn back to you and only you. He's going to them because you ain't giving him what he needs. Look in the mirror and make the changes necessary to get him to want to nail you and not them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007):

Hi,

Firstly how long are you married? If you are long term then i would seriously talk this through get to the reason this started as there is always a reason!

Then get your health checks done him too insist he goes especially if you are staying together and still having sex i urge you please get checked asap.

My husband was using prostitutes for 6 yrs behind my back and coming home to me having sex too although always used a condom with them! as you can imagine when you hear those words AIDS i was ill until i got my all clear and him too now in the begining i was like the other aunts i told him to get out i wanted a divorce it was not even up for discusion he was paying for sex with whores OUT! That was my reaction to it here we are 8 months on still together trying to work through this it has not been easy let me tell you if you decide to work on this be prepared for a rough ride!

We have been to Relate i have counselling one to one we are attending a new couple counselling and he is attending a sex therapist.

It has to be talked out right from when it began what caused it? what reasons is he given? Why has he stayed with you throughout it? so many questions here have to be asked and until you do that only you will know what to do i can only advice if he has been using a joint account to pay then tell him it stops now! you take charge of all the money get his phone itemised and check the bill every month for suspect numbers! you really have to treat this as an addiction he has thats what it is he is a sex addict using prostitutes stems from something further back in his life so delve and find out what and why?

I can only sympathise with your predicament there is nothing worse in this world to have your life turned upside down by this addiction and yes you do take it personally i do hope you can talk this through and if you can forgive maybe not right away but in time and he is sincere enough to stop and hand all the reins to you and devotes the rest of his life to you to make it all up to you then maybe you will give him a chance only you will know this no one else.

Yes i hear the others say no way sling him to the kerb but unless you have had this done to you only then do you feel what they don't! and that has deep meaningful consequences to so many things that you will have to decide whether or not you want to move on from this or move away?

I do hope you can sort this out and if you can't there is life after infidelity ask any woman who has walked away and started a new life elsewhere i decided to stay with him and work this out only you will know what to do here i wish you well and take care of yourself.

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A female reader, hotstuff United States +, writes (14 August 2007):

hotstuff agony auntYou deserve a man that is devoted to you especialy since he made a vow to you to have you as the only "one" in his life. I think you should leave him unless you don't mind having a husband that has to pay for others to give him sex and then come home to you and have sex with you too.

from my opinion you should leave him or try to talk it out be supportive and help him break his nasty habbit!

hope it helped

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States +, writes (12 August 2007):

TasteofIndia agony auntShe should realize that she's deserves a husband who is completely loyal to her and let him know what a pig he is. Is your husband doing this behind your back? Confront him! Let him know that you know!

Also, go get checked immediately. Hopefully he has not contracted any diseases and hope to God he hasn't passed any to you!

Don't waste your time with a man who clearly has no respect for you or your marriage. There are plenty of men out there who don't need sexual gratification from strangers and will devote themselves to you entirely.

xxIndia

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (12 August 2007):

hlskitten agony auntHi

She should get out, and fast.

Risk of std's. Lying. Cheating. Its nasty. I would take whats mine & leave him instantly. No sorrys & letting him worm his way back.

C xxxxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007):

I am sorry that it had to happen to you but things like this happen! get rid of him cause I know I wouldn't want to have sex with a guy who has promised to be mine but is paying others to have sex with him. don't fall for anything he does to get you back. He has no respect for you. sorry to say but you need to dump him and move on.

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A male reader, Peterk5699 United Kingdom +, writes (12 August 2007):

Peterk5699 agony auntPuzzled hit the nail bang on the head. He obviously has no respect for you at all. Get rid of him.

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A female reader, puzzled Ireland +, writes (12 August 2007):

puzzled agony auntconfront him straight away! its obvious he dont love you and using you. dont let men think your a walk over because you NOT! dump immediatly! and start fresh. There are plenty fish in the sea

xxx

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