A
female
age
41-50,
*anniepeg
writes:Thank you for helping people even in the busiest time of the year. Well I guess for some it's the most leisurely time of the year, and some the loneliest time.I had been dating my ex for three months. It's fair to call him an ex because he broke up with me. At the fourth date I noticed he was weird. He has a habit of asking so many questions at inappropriate times. We were at a Chinese restaurant. That day he was withdrawn and upset about something (though later I realized he's that way most of the time). The food came in and he was harping on questions, like "do you fear your emotions sometimes?" and other questions related to insecurity. I answered him with "I just want to eat." He got upset. I didn't know what to say so I asked him what he was feeling. He said he felt like leaving the restaurant and going home. He felt belittled. I got upset that too so afterwards we sat in the car and he was like frozen. At the end of the date I said I was worried because if I didn't say anything he's upset, if I said something he's upset. It's too stressful to be in a relationship like this. We dated for three months because his redeeming qualities were that he was loyal and he always kept in contact, said sweetstuff, even if that's coming from neediness. Throughout the three months we would have arguments about how I am not sensitive enough to his feelings.He would say something like he's worried that I would reject him later so he would reject me first. He told me I could do whatever I want. He also didn't have faith in relationships and had a doom and gloom attitude when it comes to everything in life.I was never prepared to handle these kind of conversations but whenever he talked like that I felt that the relationship could not progress.The last break up he said he would not invest more into this relationship. I got really angry. Again I didn't know how to respond to it. He said we could be friends. I said "no I won't accept friendship." So the conclusion of the night was that we broke up and he didn't care if I were to date again.Days later he would call the whole evening and I ignored his calls. He went crazy and imagined an emergency situation which he never explained what that situation was. He told me I was rude for ignoring his calls. I reminded him we were broken up. In a bewildered state he said he loved me and I will always have a special place in his heart. I told him I ignored his calls because I needed to move on and I was protecting my heart. I was called a horrible person.This Christmas I was prepared to spend it quietly and unburdened by his negative energy. He bought me a gift so I went to buy him a gift too. I didn't really feel like meeting him because last time I did he was like asking me if I thought he would get another date in the future. He was also shaking with anxiety. Could not even handle light touches. I was texting him very sparcely this month. On the 24th he said that he would drop by my place with the gift.So last night I invited him up. Did not know what to expect. I turned on the TV and he started to bombard me with questions about my mental state and trying to get hints that I missed him. It was like that fourth date at the Chinese restaurant all over again. I told him I would not rather talk as I could sense the tension. The night ended with him telling me how I was rude and I ruined his Christmas. He didn't leave with the gift I gave him, with the reason that I didn't really want him there.I didn't know what to do with him. Was I wrong for accepting his gift? I bought him a blanket, secretly thinking that if I never saw him I could keep it and use it myself.What do you call men who break up but still expect the girlfriends to miss them and pretend the break up didn't happen?
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broke up, christmas, move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): He sounds like he has bipolar. He needs therapy and medication, not a romantic relationship. In fact he himselfcan't benefit from an intimate relationship unless he first gets emotionally stable. Some people do need medication for life or at least for many years.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 December 2012):
 It's so not your fault. YOU are not that powerful in anyone's life but your own.
You can make suggestions but you can't force anyone to make a choice they don't want to make.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 December 2012):
 That is an enormous sense of responsibility you are taking onto your shoulders. He might still be taking them - as I don't know him - my "guess" was just that he was off them. Most people don't react so disproportional as you describe in him.
Could as easily be that he is not on the right dose (as you mentioned yourself). Could be that whatever he is treated for is progressing more rapidly? I mean no two people have the same reactions to ssri and other meds, and no two people have exactly the same mental problem. Which is perhaps why he is not dosed right?
The thing is though, you might feel responsible for him, but you can't MAKE him take or not take his meds. That decision is ultimately his and his alone.
He came to you on the 24th with certain expectations of you (however unrealistic) and when you didn't live up to them he got mat, threw a fit and left.
There isn't much you can do, realistically.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (26 December 2012):
janniepeg is verified as being by the original poster of the question Now I felt responsible. I remember on the third date he told me about his anxiety. We shared our philosophy on mental illness and my thoughts were that what's normal means being functional regardless of how that person feels inside. Medication is supposed to remove symptoms so the world continues rolling but it does not get rid of the source of pain. I took ssri when I was 16. After a year I decide to get off of it. I did have withdrawal symptoms such as wanting to explode. I had worried about recurrence of another depression episode but I was glad that never happened. I have been medication free since then.
He on the other hand had been on meds forever, and intending to stay on it forever. He was still having stomach and sleeping problems because his head was overflooded with thoughts at night. He was never a person to turn his aggression outwards. He developed eating disorder instead and weighted 90 pounds when he was 18. When I met him he was on meds so I knew that either the dosage was not correct or his doctor was not doing his job right. I thought maybe he was only able to function in his career and put on a happy smile in front of his daughter and that he had to stay out of intimate relationships. Even at work he's having trouble with a female coworker. He feels alone and no one understands him.
About a month ago I sent him a youtube video, "psychiatry - industry of death." Adam Lanza, Seung Hui Cho were two examples of ssri users gone wrong. Afterwards I felt bad and regretted sending the link. I told him forget about that because there are indeed people benefitting from meds and there are no long term complications for taking it for life.
Maybe I was the reason why he stopped medication?
I understand that this is his personal decision alone but I can't help but feel guilty because I might have influenced him to not take it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 December 2012):
I think you need to read SVC's answer a couple of times and the stick to her advice.
There is something really odd about him. He honestly sounds like he is off his meds.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2012):
You call them mentally unstable.
YOU are not wrong... this guy has serious issues....
what you need to do is call him one last time and say
"look I really can't make this work on any level and I would rather us not have any contact any more. I wanted to let you know this so you don't worry about me. There is no need for you to come by, or call or email me any more and I will NOT be responding to any contact you create. I wish you all the best in you life, take care" and that's that.
then you hang up.
you block his phone number
you block his email
you block him on social media.
and you are very glad you didn't get caught up in his web of neediness.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 December 2012):
You're lucky to have this guy out of your life. Just quit contacting him as nothing good will come out of it.
What do you call him? Emotionally unstable. The type of person who wants everyone to be as miserable as he is.
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