A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello i have a very serious problem. My husband is very controlling and he has been disrespectful to my Mom and my children. He has called my daughters stupid bitches and he calls my son a dumb mf. He says thats just the way he talks but i hate it! I talked to him and it continues. Hes very controlling because he likes to tell me when i can pick my own daughters up ages 16 and 12. He hates when they ride to the store with us one day he made my 12 year old get out the car because she wanted to go to the store with me. He gets angry when i do my daughters hair because it takes too long he doesn't like me talking on the phone. One day he got angry with me because his phone battery died! I only used it once and he screamed and cursed and punched things and told me not to use his phone anymore. There is so much more but its too much to write! I need advice I want out of this marriage. Im afraid my daughters will start to view me as weak because my husband bullys me into doing things i dont wanna do please help Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, JustSickOfIt +, writes (5 November 2016):
I understand all too well what you are going through. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years too. Everyone is going to tell you to leave, you're stupid for staying, you're weak for not leaving, but I know the thoughts going through your head. Its not that you're stupid, it's you're afraid. No one can tell you to do leave. You'll have to do it when you're ready. I contemplated leaving for 4 years but was so afraid of the consequences I couldn't do it. I was afraid he'd hurt my family or sabotage my job. It took someone who cared to get me out of that situation who didn't just say I need to leave. It was someone who put their hand out and said, let's get you out of here. My daughter was 14 at the time, and she really hated me for allowing this man to treat us like that. After all was said and done, we were out of that house, I was able to talk to her and explain what happened. As she got older I always made sure she knew that I made mistakes and didn't make excuses. She respects me more than ever and has grown up to be quite a strong smart woman. Everyones advice here is correct. When he's not around start getting your stuff in order to leave. Take your important things with you. All that other material stuff can easily be replaced. You can't replace your safety or peace of mind.
A
female
reader, Shannon A1998  +, writes (19 September 2016):
I am really sorry about your being abused. This is not right and you should not have too put up with this as is won't be helping your daughter cause if she sees what you are going through, it might affect her and could need help. If you want out of this marriage then I suggest you go onto the Internet and see if there is any other women who are in the same position and/or try find any women groups or shelters for you too go too. As it would be good if you can get out of the marriage as it won't be doing anyone any good and it must be dreadful for you putting up with it everyday.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I am so sorry you are being so abused. You are correct this will negatively affect your children.. it will teach them that abuse is ok.
I did not know what state you are in but your flag says USA so I found these links for you:
https://www.womenshelters.org/
https://www.domesticshelters.org/
if you use your home computer or phone to look at them I suggest you clear your history or do a private session to look so that he does not get a clue that you will be leaving.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 September 2016):
 Set money aside, look for a woman's shelter that takes women WITH children. When you feel able, pack your stuff, your kids stuff and leave. (make sure you have ALL important documents, like birth certificates, SS cards, marriage certificates etc. If you can leave money, bags and important papers at a friends house that might even be safer.
The way he talks is NOT just how a man talks. That is how a HATEFUL man talks.
Or ask family and friends for help. Pack your stuff (and your kids) and GET out.
MAKE sure your name is NO LONGER on any of the bills, take your name off the lease, and either remove him from YOUR bank account or remove yourself from his.
File for divorce ASAP. There is no fixing a guy like that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): In your situation you consult a solicitor and ask for a divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.As you and your daughters have felt threatened by his anger issues you can ask for a restraining order and the police will help your husband to walk away from you!When your exhub looks bewildered and asks 'why! why now!' You just reply very coldly "Because ive had enough of your anger issues and you are impossible to live with!"If you need extra support then you had better contact a group for abused women who will help you to set it all in place!Finally your exhub may go quietly or he may go on the warpath with a mega outburst and non stop abuse.But divorce is you right because you earned it!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 Horrible situation. You make a very valid point suggesting you daughters may see you as weak. Furthermore it can have the opposite effect by having them develop, being treated as you do, a standard of this being acceptable for themselves through out relationships. Im sorry but your husband sounds horrid and in no way is it acceptable to refer to you or his children with such derogatory language. Im afraid for your kids they could inherit this also as learnt behaviour, so again the cycle repeats when they become parents. Change is a choice, for some it may take a bit of effort, but do you really think your husband is that concerned when he makes comments ' that's just the way I talk'?. I hear that as 'It is what it is-get over it". I'm a big advocate for counselling however "I want out" IMHO your beyond that. Rightly so, the relationship is toxic. Before making any decisions make sure you have an exit plan. One that wont have you in a position to feel as though you have no choice but to go back. This means finances and living arrangements etc. Have a contingency plan also because your best chance at stepping away from the situation with a clear head is being one step ahead and organised.
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A
male
reader, Gpegg +, writes (19 September 2016):
No one has the right to treat you like this. What he is doing is wrong and very likely illegal. If there has been violence or threats of violence the best option is to call the police. Police response to domestic abuse is getting better and you may find them more understanding than you expect. If this is too big a step then you can contact domestic abuse counsellors. I'm uk based so am not sure exactly what services are available to you in the US but I've found this site which might help www.thehotline.org in the uk we use womens aid Www.womensaid.org.uk if that's any use. Try to formulate yourself an escape plan - does he work? This would probably be the best time. But most importantly protect yourself. Keep a phone on you so you can call for help if you need it. It will be very hard to do this alone so try to get access to a domestic abuse counsellor using the links provided. They will help to guide you through this difficult time. Stay strong - you have already got over two big hurdles in recognising what he is doing and in taking the decision to leave. He will try any number of tactics to keep you ranging from love to violence. Never go back. Leopards never change their spots. Good luck
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A
female
reader, SydneySidney +, writes (19 September 2016):
I am so sorry you're going through this and I agree that you should leave! However, you haven't given any reasons that are holding you back or making it hard to leave, so I'm not sure what you're asking for here.
I suggest making as many plans to leave in secret as you can, and then leaving very quickly, so he has as few opportunities to physically hurt you and your kids as possible. If you haven't done so yet, get your own bank account that doesn't have his name on it and get as much money into it as possible. There are hotlines for domestic violence that you can call to get better advice on *how* to leave as safely as possible. What he's doing now is considered emotional abuse, so even if he's never physically hurt you, you can still use resources for domestic violence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): You definitely need to get out of this marriage before his verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse. It's only a matter of time before he starts punching you and your children instead of "things". Seek advice from a lawyer and make a plan and an alternate plan. Hopefully your mom, friends and family will give you support and a safe place to turn to in case that is what you need. If you don't feel safe in your home and have no place to turn find out where the nearest women's shelter is located.
Please don't waste any more time talking to him. Just get our as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, Lady_Lynette +, writes (19 September 2016):
 Your husband is verbally abusive. He is emotionally abusive to you and your daughters. Please pack what you can for your girls and yourself. Leave immediately. Your husband is a ticking time bomb put as much distance as possible between your husband and yourself. If you have friends who would host your daughters and you go . Confide in a friend . Be honest. Do not hesitate to expose every painful detail of your emotional and verbal abuse. If you have family you and the children should go there as quickly and as safely as possible. Your husband is a ticking time bomb, his abuse will turn physically violent. Once he becomes physically abusive it may be to late to call 911, to seek help from family or a friend. Domestic violence and spousal abuse has become a deadly epidemic . If your husband punches walls or other objects this is domestic violence. He is physically abusive. Call 911 while the imprint of his fist is fresh in the wall. Get the domestic disturbance documented with photographs and written statements. Secretly dial 911 during one of his rages don't say a word let your cell phone or land line transmit an audio transcript of the incident. The tape will be admissible in court. Please protect your daughters and yourself , when you are safe ,out of the war zone then maybe, you can convince your husband to accept counseling / professional help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): If you don't have separate bank accounts set up one for yourself very privately. You must have an escape fund asap. Prepare evidence of his behaviour for your lawyer and get one lined up that specialises in domestic abuse. Keep a diary. Record it. He is violent and abusive. When he knows you are leaving this will escalate. Have a place ready to go. If you cannot afford it reach out to a friend or a shelter. Leave him when you are prepared.
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