A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am looking for advice on whether I did the right thing or not. My boyfriend has this girl friend, who I have only met a handful of times, who has a lot of animosity toward me. I had always been really nice to her the times I ran into her. When I first met her and her boyfriend I thought we all had fun, I added her on Facebook and noticed she denied my request. I saw her shortly after and noticed she was very short and made no eye contact with me. I was confused and trying to gauge the situation, so in a friendly way I asked her if she'd noticed my facebook request and she started laughing arrogantly and said, "yeah I noticed it" and then changed the subject. At one point when my boyfriend left the table she went on saying that my boyfriend was talking trash about me one time when he and I got in an argument. And made some other comments trying to minimize the importance of my relationship, implying I wasn't all that special to my boyfriend. The whole time laughing with a smirk. Her boyfriend immediately told her she was out of line and to shut up. I let it slide, nonetheless was even more confused and quite shocked. My boyfriend and I eventually moved to a new city so had no contact with her again. Then months later I noticed she had been texting him taking jabs at me the whole time to the extent that I'm crazy and constantly asking him if he is still with me and "I thought you wanted a better future," obviously implying I suck. Always "jokingly," it can almost be misconstrued as a joke, but nonetheless its clearly a jab. To which he didn't reply. I confronted my boyfriend about it and he admitted she is very jealous of me, he suspects she has a crush on him. In his words, he said she is not the prettiest girl in the world and I suspect her animosity is pure jealousy, you have a lot more going for you than her. I was incredibly annoyed by it at this point as this woman does not know me from a hole in the wall. I eventually replied to the previous mean texts as it was stewing in my head and I sent her a message and kindly and very politely asked her to stop with the mean comments, its unnecessary and to show respect for me and our relationship, hoping maybe that would cut the tension and end this once and for all. She replied by sending another insulting message throwing my boyfriend under the bus saying that my boyfriend is the one typically saying mean things about me and she was just following his lead. And arrogantly ended the message with a smiley face. (Which I know is not true, just based on the texts he did not say one mean thing about me it was all her. Furthermore, at one point he may have vented to his friends once or twice about me amidst an argument, who doesn't? And she was twisting it out of context). I was livid. So since we have mutual friends in common on social network sites, I saw she had commented on one of my boyfriend's friends post and I know this is bad, but I wanted to publicly humiliate her. Since kindness didn't work, I wanted to put her in her place so she would shut up about me once and for all and give her a taste of her own medicine. And it worked. I left a really snide and extremely derisive and rude comment at her for everyone to see, ya know, "jokingly," that I'd rather not repeat but I knew would shut her up real fast, hitting way below the belt as she had done to me. I had no idea she was so fragile considering how big of a b*tch she's been. She was so upset she stopped talking to mutual friends they had, stopped talking to my boyfriend and she told my boyfriend to lose her number. Not sure why she took it out on them? But I suspect she was very embarrassed. I really don't think my boyfriend cares too much that she is upset. But I am confused...if you are tough enough to dish it out, you better be ready to take it. What did she expect? You can only push someone's buttons so far before they snap. Am I wrong? How did she think it was ok to insult me and then cower into a pity party when I gave it right back to her. While I find this whole thing oh so infantile, I just want other people's opinion of my reaction. I don't like hurting people's feelings but I feel good about it because I suspect she won't have the audacity to make a comment about me again...Was I wrong? Was I right? What do you think?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 February 2013):
I always tell myself not to start throwing with mud, but when it comes to dealing with some people, you have to get down to their level and put them out in a way they understand. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for 'standing above it' and 'being the better person' but that doesn't work all the time.
When I was bullied in highschool (quite severely; my stuff got ruined/stolen, I got insulted every day and even pushed off the stairs) I always tried to ignore it and 'do what's right'. Then one day, when things were going especially bad, I snapped and punched the most popular bully in the face a couple of times. He had bruises over the side of his face for two weeks. They left me alone after that (and I threatened I'd work them all over if they ever did something again; I guess I looked crazy enough for them to believe it). I'm not proud of what I did, but it got the job done. This girl was nasty to you. You put up with it for as long as you could stand until you handed her ass back to her. You did good. As long as this is not your now problem solving strategy for everything else that crosses your path, I don't see anything wrong with it.
The only question that remains is: why didn't your bf man up and tell her to get the hell out? Even her own bf said she was out of line and he didn't owe you anything. But your bf was completely passive during this whole ordeal. He should have stood up for you (and himself).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): You should blame your dunce boyfriend for letting her into you lives, and ENABELING her to insult you. Too late to change what you did to her, probably best if you had not done this, but you did, and you certainly don't need to feel any guilt or give an apology. I would be more upset with your boyfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): I believe you handled the situation very well indeed!
I would be more concerned with the fact that your boyfriend didn't seem to defend you at all?
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A
female
reader, Seabreezes +, writes (19 February 2013):
I don't know. I think you should have taken the high road, but I can appreciate your perspective and circumstance.
What I find REALLY odd, though, is that you had to defend yourself against a hostile attack while your BF sat idly by, knowing she was spewing lies. As your man, he should have defended you a long time ago.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 February 2013):
 first and foremost, i think your boyfriend probably should have handled this situation before it even got to this point. if he saw that this girl who was a "friend" of his kept putting you down and disrespecting you, he should have told her that she either stops immediately or they will no longer remain friends.that being said, obviously that's not how it went down. so given the circumstance, i honestly don't think you did anything wrong. i wouldn't normally condone public humiliation, but you had to stand up for youself since your boyfriend wasn't.women can be so caddy. i really don't know why. i don't get why she couldn't just at least keep her mouth shut, like her boyfriend had said, and stop acting out of line. just because you don't particularly like someone, for whatever reason, doesn't mean you have to act like a bitch. just tolerate each other. anyway, she was bullying you. and just like typical bullies, the moment you snap back, they go crying like little babies. that's what she gets. good for you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 I think that what you did was certainly understandable , due to the provocation , but still wrong. It was unclassy - you stooped at her level. And, in a way, you gave her the satisfaction to know that she had really hit you hard and ruffled your feathers well , for you to react so strongly. Now not only she, ( which, would not matter ) but also your common friends will think that where there's smoke there's fire , and for you to be so furious, there must be some truth in her comments about the solidity of your couple. I think that the best attitude would have been of totally ignoring her. Here we say " what, also the fleas have got a cough today ? "- in the case of people making comments too stupid, irrelevant and below us to take notice.
You look weak , when you show you are hurt by some silly things and get all defensive .
So, she thought that you are not so special to your bf. " Oh indeed. Thank you for sharing your opinion. Yaaaawn..." Icy contempt nips things in the bud better than getting hot and bothered.
Plus, do we want to talk about this bf ? he is not totally irreproachable, he has his part of fault in this situation. The girl is envious and jealous , Ok, but she can't have invented everything, your bf HAS trashed you to her or other people. You say it was just because he was mad ( true ) and that everybody does it ( not true ).
I admit that it's the generation gap talking and in this I am REALLY old fashioned, but, seriously, a gentleman never slags off his partner to " friends " ,which are more like acquaintances actually. A mensch would air the dirty laundry rigorously AT HOME, between the two of you.
Sure, I believe she took things out of context...but if your bf had never flapped his tongue, .. there would have been no context to take ANYTHING out.
Ditto for her offensive e-mails. What, he gets messages calling you crazy and taking jabs at you , and implying you aren't good enough... and he goes meekly " hehe " ? Why did he not say " Please, stop it right there, and let's change subject. Remember, this is the woman I have chosen as my partner, whom you are talking about. If you care about us being friends, do not forget that in future ". Polite, firm and dry .
I am by no means implying that you aren't able to fight your own battles or that you need a male paladin to hide behind ,that's not what I mean. But, I think that by not taking a stand he has enabled her, in a way egged her on, to carry on with her shenanigans, and to bring you to a slightly indecorous, rather childish, and surely avoidable step.
No big deal, what's done it's done, and if you feel better after you got things off your chest on Fb, then fine. For the future , though, I'd tell you to follow Sageoldguy's advise : pick which battles are worth having.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (18 February 2013):
I think this was a long time coming for her & whatever you said you were extremely right! from what you said that your boyfriend doesnt seem to be too worried that she is upset, well this further confirms you were in the right as he obviously felt she was way out of line previously too. people like her, who make veiled insults ''jokingly of course'', need to be put in their place as it is worse than insulting someone straight out. the whole way they have of doing it is to make you feel and look bad if you retaliate but you know something? you were totally right for doing it & dont ever even think of apologising to her. it sounds as thought she was jealous of you and possibly of your relationship too. enjoy your life, you were NOT going over the top at all. some people would have slapped her which would be more serious. :) x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 February 2013):
 I just love this quote from Dolores Claiborne:
"Sometimes you have to be a high-riding bitch to survive. Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): This girl totally deserved it! I'm like you, I don't like hurting people's feelings either and I always try to be nice to everyone, but in this case you had every right to do what you did. For a long time she has been going out of her way to pick on you and deliberately try to make you feel insecure about your relationship with your boyfriend. Being nice and ignoring her hasn't been working, so the only choice you were left with was to show her you won't take it any longer. People like that get away with it because people don't stand up to them, so I'm glad you did. Hopefully she'll think twice before she tries to pick on someone else in future.
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A
female
reader, DeliriousOne +, writes (18 February 2013):
You had every right to do what you did. Sometimes you have to be a bitch to get your point across. Like you said, you tried to be friendly with her and it didn't seem to work. She was probably sitting back and laughing at you, thinking you didn't have it in you to stand up to her. Now, if your boyfriend did indeed confide in her about some relationship issues the two of you were having, she should have been a real friend and kept it to herself, but she didn't. So, she got what she deserved!
High 5 :)
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 February 2013):
 In life... it's so important to determine which battles are worth having, and which are not.....
This is one of those battles NOT WORTH HAVING.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 At the end of the day you've got it right there. If you can dish it out you should be able to take it.Don't dish it out if you can't take it. She did seem very jealous as soon as you mentioned that your boyfriend thinks she's got a crush i thought as soon as i read what you'd written and was surprised when you said she had a boyfriend.She obviously thought she was really cool dissing you and making it seem like your boyfriend and his mates all b*tch about you when really she was just trying to get you to split with your boyfriend in my eyes and it didn't work because your boyfriend seen through it and you shouldn't bother making an effort with someone whose going to just slate you when they've not even gotten to know you properly. I think you were fine you tried the nice approach she didn't accept it so only way is to dish out to her what she gave to you and looks like she didn't like it, but as you said Don't dish out if you can't take it back.Hope you're alright now and enjoy your life with your boyfriend
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