A
female
age
36-40,
*upidlover89
writes:I have been seeing this man a long time now. He rejects me a lot, he insults my independence and he tells me that I will never have a boyfriend. I can t lie I have said some mean things to him before too. He told me I was not a normal girl and that I was obsessed with him and that it was sad. When things are good then they are good. I do like him a lot, but I want to know If this guy is really that insecure? What does it sound like to you? There are times when he will not respond to my messages, and I have to say I'm over it to get him to finally respond. I am a very attractive lady, and I get a lot of attention from other men. I have a great body and I'm independant, live in my own apt., and have a great dental career. Someone help me figure out why this man treats me this way? He is not helping my self esteem. Usually men like me. He has told me he is no stranger to being with beautiful women. He says his ex was georgous and men were obsessed with her. Why does he reject me so much? If I ask him for something he normally says no.
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his ex, insecure, self esteem Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2013): When you have high self esteem you will not tolerate anything bad from any guy. Sometimes personalities clash and we don't always click with the other person. You have to do a lot of soul searching and know exactly what you can handle, and what you are not going to put up with. In my life, if I find that I am binging, starving myself, getting sick, getting headaches, because of some guy, then it is not a healthy relationship. I have been feeling the same way as you. I am an attractive woman and I get attention from other men. But you have to draw the line and you don't need his approval for anything. If he rejects you and says mean things, you don't need to hear it. Let him do his babbling somewhere else. If you said mean things to him it's probably because you were just trying to defend yourself, because I have done that so many times in my relationships. You might be a people pleaser and that usually never works.I realize that I should be making myself happy. You really sound like a nice person with a good career. You need to have someone who will appreciate your good qualities. Isn't that what most people want? It's almost the same thing when a man says he won't be with his girlfriend because she has gained weight. Making her feel like she is unattractive, and another man might find her intriguing and lovely. So you see you don't need him to build your self esteem.Take Care of yourself and good luck.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 December 2013):
 WHAT causes his bad behavior to escalate is not the issue.
He treats you this way because you allow it.
what you need to do is figure out if you are so successful and attractive to OTHER men, why THIS man who is so abusive to you is the one you want... why in the world do you think you are beneath contempt and deserve to be treated badly?
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A
female
reader, cupidlover89 +, writes (9 December 2013):
cupidlover89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis behavior is worse when I have things to do or exciting things planned. If I am excited about something it is worse.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 December 2013):
 I am with Sage on this one. I don't understand why you would cling on to someone who treats you so poorly??
I also don't understand why you are so fixed on 'working him out'?? It says a lot about you...maybe you see him as a challenge that you can overcome and if you make him like you and stop treating you like dirt...then you have won?
Problem is...he won't ever change.
Really, just liking someone a lot is no reason to put up with so much crap and if you are an attractive woman with a good body, I am sure you can find someone much better.
Life is too short, so do not waste any time on people who treat you badly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 December 2013):
 I agree with Sage & llifton
It's a sick little game you two are playing BECAUSE you let him. YOU want so desperately to be worshiped by him and get his approval, he knows but also knows the minute he gives you that.. YOU will have the upper hand (in his mind) and he doesn't like that.
So instead he plays the "put her down" game. He constantly puts you down so you end up doubting yourself and start to feel grateful that he is with you.
Utterly unhealthy.
And no, you will NEVER get a BF if you let a man like that treat you like garbage.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (9 December 2013):
 You allow him to treat you this way and he loves the power. He eats it up.
I guarantee you if you tell him you're not interested in him any longer and you're moving on because you can easily get another guy without all the BS, he'll knock that crap off. He's doing it because he can.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): You are asking all the wrong questions.
Why is it so important to be validated by this man? By any man?
You were brought up to believe beauty validates a woman.
That is a notorious lie!!! Charm and beauty does not seduce every man to bend to your will. That guy is making fun of you for it.
He puts you down and tells you things to kill your spirit. He is right, you are obsessed with him, and you lie to yourself and say things are good. Based on a few good times you have now and then.
No they aren't! Times just go by without incident, and you share a few happy days; until he decides to grind you under his heel. This sounds like a sadomasochistic relationship.
Sometimes people feel very strong feelings over poisoned people. Nothing friends and family can say will make you let go of this toxic man. You're fixated. You glorify him and have him elevated to a status short of being a god.
You worship him.
You ask what's wrong with him? He's an evil man. He also realizes that your attraction isn't healthy. Instead of urging you to seek help, he degrades and mocks you. You won't seek help, if you can't face the fact he isn't being good to you. You don't care, because you think you can force him to recognize your beauty, and be taken in by all the things you have that other men admire. They are only superficial. Not who you are inside, dear lady.
Something in your mind has romanticized and distorted the true nature of your relationship to this man. He is playing an abusive disapproving father, and you're an abused and neglected child begging for love. That is so unhealthy in every possible way.
The more important question is, why are you so obsessed with a him? Obsessed is the word; because even when we love someone; we can leave them if they are abusive, or don't return the love. You compulsively demand his approval.
You're searching for a magic cure to turn abuse into love, acceptance, and approval. There is no such thing.
You will only leave this situation once you seek professional counseling to get into your head; and help you find the source of your weakness for that evil clown.
We can talk a blue-streak of advice; but you're not giving that man up; because you have an unhealthy attachment. The man is sadistic toward you, and you describe yourself as independent and attractive. Yet you want to figure out a way to change him into your dream-lover and ego-booster.
Try as hard as you want. It's never going to happen. He will treat you like dirt until he's tired of you, and has worn you down to nothing. He will just leave you anyway.
A limp pile of flesh.
He is right, there is something wrong. Not in the nasty way he is twisting it. He's trying to crush you. It's becoming a sick game; because you try so hard to figure out what you need to do to make him see how wonderful you are. He prefers to show you how insignificant you are to him. He is trying to find your breaking-point. He's almost there.
You say other men are attracted to you. So your mission is to stay until he changes his mind? Why not just find a man you don't have to change? One who loves and adores you for all you have to offer? Something inside your head will not let you, so you need to get that fixed.
You won't last long enough to see that beast turn into a prince; because he is a narcissistic personality. You give him narcissistic supply, and he'll drain you until you're emotionally pulverized. Useless to yourself, and unfit for a better man. Then he'll move on.
Your self-esteem isn't in his hands. That's in your own possession. Other people can say whatever they want about you. Your self-esteem is what protects you from their lies.
You lower your own self-esteem by believing the lies. By allowing their words to penetrate and remove all the barriers nature gave you to know better. You can rebuild your self-esteem. Other people can't do it. It's a survival mechanism. It can only be fixed from within.
It's a misconception that other people can destroy it. Actually you do it yourself. You convince yourself to believe lies over the truth. Other people can wear down and destroy your mental-health with psychological and physical abuse. Make you too frail to deal with the challenges of life without help. You give up, and give them power over you. They "pretend" they took it, because they're "stronger." You can revoke their control; once you realize what they're up to.
This isn't just a self-esteem issue. It is a matter of obsession for a man; and a young woman who hasn't sought help for a possible mental disorder. He's twisting the screws and getting his jollies.
He recognizes this weakness in you, and he will use it against you; until you find the help that will give you the strength to push him out of your head. You have to break free first.
Please find a local hotline for abused women. They will give you referrals for counseling and women's support groups.
You can't change him. You really need to change yourself.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (9 December 2013):
 In a sick way, its human nature to want approval from the person that treats you the worst. I suggest you stop contact with this guy and let him know that you will not be treated badly as there are greener pastures. Its up to you to be strong and demand the respect you deserve.
Must add its the same reason abused woman stay in a relationship. When he realise he has lost his control/power over you, he will come chasing after you. But you have to take back the power you have given him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 December 2013):
 He treats you this way - pretty crappy, in my opinion - because YOU ALLOW IT!!!!!
IF you don't like the way he acts toward and around you... then part ways with him and don't look back.....
You "sound" like a delightful and interesting woman who has much to offer as a friend and/or girlfriend.... so why would you waste your time/efforts/self on this creep who you describe herein...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Lieutenant +, writes (9 December 2013):
If you don't have a problem getting men, leave him...heck even if you had problems getting men, I would still say the same thing. There's absolutely no reason for a man to treat you like that and if you say similar mean things to him, there's no reason that should be happening either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): He is trying to tell you he is not interested in you. Stop texting him. You are being a stalker.
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