A
female
age
30-35,
*sin88
writes:hey, basically i met this turkish guy through my family that live in turkey, i met him back sep 2009, i never did think of anything of it because you hear the stories about turkish men. after i met him, he would ring all time, every single day, and it was soo nice, and i eventually fell for him. he asked me to come back in winter when he's not working and i did in march 2010, i paid for flights and he paid for the apartment, and we had a lovely 2 weeks together.then i went home and we continued to talk every single day and i went back out in june for his birthday and he stopped working and we went to kausadasi for an amzaing 2 weeks which i met his family, then i went back out in septemeber, which he didnt want me to because he was working all time. the first week was ok, it was a real eye opener to see what life be like if i was to live there and he be working, because it not like the fairytale holidays ive had. anyway the 2nd week, his cousin came to live with us and to be honest i didnt get along with him, and me and my boyfriend ened up having a huge argument and i kicked him out with his suitcase and he went back to the staff apartments which is a 3 min walk from the apartment we were stayin. by the end of the night we kissed and cuddle and made up, and i thought every was ok with us. anyway his cousin made remarks to me everytime i said something and my boyfriend never said anything, it was my last night and i wanted to spend it just me and him, instead he went for a drinks with his cousin, then it was time to go to the airport and he was driving me there. i asked could it be just me and you going to the airport and he told me no, its 45min drive and he dont want to get bored, so he is bringing his cousin. i thought i fly 5 hours to see you dont you think i get bored? anyway me him his cousin and his cousins girlfriend drove me to the airport, then as i was leaving he said to me, take care of yourself, which he never said before, it sounded like his goodbye. i got home and i rang him and he was so horrible to me, he started shouting at me saying why did i kick me out, it is not right everything is all my fault, i lost my chance with him. i told him why you not say this to me before i left. i told him he could have been more of a man and broke up to my face instead of waiting til i go home and do it over the phoneanyway he told me he didnt want to be with me anymore, and he would turn off his phone but then every 2 days he would ring me. one time he was drunk saying, have you forgotten about me so quickly? why you not calling me, then he rang me again saying he loves me but i broke his heart when i kicked him out. after 1 month of this we got back together but it not the same like before, he never seems excited on the phone when i call him, and he always shouting at me saying im stupid. then he would change and say he loves me, and makes me feel on top of the world. then i asked him where our future is going? i wanna move there next year and he told me how can i live with you after you after what you did to me in septemeber. which upset me because i thought he forgave me about kicking him out.Now he saying we dont have a future together in turkey unless we have money, he said about getting married, we both work in england and save money. he said he is not going to tell his family we are married. im 21 and he is my first love, but i feel so confused i dont know what to do? i know it was wrong to kick him out, i was really angry, but he was only gone 4/5 hours and he came back that night and we kissed and cuddle, i dont understand why he keeps talking about it. the way he acts about it, you think i would have tried to kill him. i dont know is it because it broke his pride in front of his friends. i dont know if he really means he loves me anymore, or he just wants to come here now. but hes never asked me for money or anything like that. whats all your opinions ?
View related questions:
broke up, cousin, drunk, got back together, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (15 November 2010):
 Leave him alone and get on with your life. I am sure you have read all the stories in the media about Turkish boys looking for visa-marriages. Well it is not as easy to arrange visa paperwork for 'leave to remain' in the UK as the papers sometimes claim. My husband is a non-EU national who I married in the UK 7 years ago. What followed was a 2 year court battle with the Home Office to get the paperwork for him to work in the UK. It was the most stressful experience but we are a strong couple so we survived the enforced separation while he waited for his papers. The whole visa application process is very expensive, slow and stressful, particularly if it involves legal representation from an immigration lawyer. If your boyfriend didn't tell his family about the marriage then the Home Office would be suspicious of his motives and may claim the marriage is a sham. Turkey are set to join the EU in a few years time as full members and it would be wise to test his 'love' by saying you will only marry him when he is a full EU national able to prove his intentions are genuine. After all, if he doesn't wish to put you through the stress of the visa test then he would wait surely?
Apart from the whole visa issue, I think the relationship is not going to work. He is clearly a control freak who is influenced by his friends and relatives. He has also showed a lack of respect and his verbal aggression might escalate to physical violence over time. He sure sounds like he has a temper! Relationships that are successful are founded on trust, respect and tolerance. We all have arguments from time-to-time. If you love someone you just get over it and move forward without resentment. It doesn't sound like he is willing to forgive and forget a rather minor argument. Goodness knows how he would react to a major issue of conflict!
You are a young woman with your life ahead of you. You could end up in a very unhappy marriage and that might involve children too. Being a single girl is not so bad at your age. It takes courage to walk away from a bad relationship. I hope you have that courage. There will be a man out there who will treat you like a princess, you just have to wait and demonstrate self confidence to not settle for less than total commitment and affection.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 November 2010):
 From all this it sounds like he has been playing you all along. He has only ever wanted you to see him when he was not working - so you would fall in love with this 'perfect' version of him and you could have a fantastic time together with him having to be his 'real' self at any time.
So you fall for it, hook line and sinker - he knows he has you hooked. Then you have your little row, which is nothing really but he realises he can use this against you. So as soon as you get home, he lays the guilt trip on you, breaking up with you knowing how much you love him and that you dont really want to break up. He is just playing with your emotions, testing you to see what you will do for him.
Then all of a sudden, the only way to make this relationship work is for him to come to the UK, get married and hide it from his family. Which basically means - he wants to live in England, he knows his parents wont approve if he marries an English girl so he will use you for a Visa, stay married for a few years then divorce you once he has made some money and he can go home.
Dont trust this guy as far as you can throw him, and if I were you I would end this relationship right away. He is using you, and you dont love the real him, you just love some fake version he put on for you when you were on holiday. Many people fall for these sorts of men, and many women much older than you have made the same mistakes so dont feel bad about this. At least he has shown his true colours now before it is too late, and you can get out before any real damage is done.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
|
