A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What kind of a person would cheat on their girlfriend, propose several months later, and marry her without ever telling her that he had an affair? The newly married guy, shared this with my boyfriend in a drunken stupor...My boyfriend told me, and now I have a hard time facing the couple in wedded bliss...I know people make mistakes, but am I right to feel sick about the fact that this new bride doesn't know that she marrried someone who cheated on her? I don't think it's my business, but they are my friends, and I just want to make sense of this b/c it is really making me feel sick and question the integrity of people. They seem like the "perfect" couple...guess anyone can be fooled. I just want to understand what would drive someone to be so dishonest. The cheating is bad enough...but the lying and deception in marriage seems sick! Help me understand!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): You appear to have limited details surrounding the affair to begin with. There is always the possibility that it was a catalyst to his decision to choose to marry his girlfriend, and if so, telling her could cause more hurt than he would want; especially if it was done and over with. The guilt may have prompted him to drunkenly spill to his friend, who then inappropriately told you. Aside from filing it away as an example by which to learn for your own behavior, I recommend you let it go without judgement. Aloha
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): Just tell the poor woman the truth. I am sure you wouldn't like to be lied on that way. She will be hurt? sure she will but she will thank u in the long run. women need to help each other. do the right thing and don't care what other people day. what that guy did is just plain wrong. it's time he gets the consequences of his actions.
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A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (15 November 2010):
 It's all about getting caught. Human nature is to rationalize that it's okay to do something wrong as long as you don't get caught. Some people have a conscience as the male anon said below, which would bother them knowing they did something wrong. But others don't. It's not a male or female specific trait. This man clearly got away with doing something he shouldn't have and as of right now he sees no reason to admit to it.
And unfortunately for you, you are in a bad position. Under no circumstances can you tell her what happen... but it's hard for you to "play along" with his "happy" relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): You are having a tough time with this because of your personal values and morals. It is hard when you know something about someone and have to face them.But there are questions here. You said he was drunk ... how do you know he was even telling the truth ? He couldve been making it up.There are also a couple issues here.Would you want someone to tell you if your partner cheated ?Would you want to be the person who got cheated on, and for years these people claiming to be your friends knew and never told you ?Is it really any of your business to tell her ?Ive always stood on the grounds of ... who am I more loyal to ? Him or her ? And thats how I would base my decision on what to do.If this really really bothers you, you could stop hanging around them. Uphold your values and stop torturing yourself because you have removed yourself from the situation.You could have your boyfriend ask if it was even true.You could threaten the cheater to tell her before you do.You could just go tell her what the cheater said.You could just let it go.If I were you though, I would mind my own business. You had nothing to do with it, dont get involved. For all you know .. she may know and forgave him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): Guys and gals do it all the time, but not everyone does it (so don't start thinking that they do as that is a mental trap we can fall into and it can make us insecure in our own relationships).
Yes, the lying and deception are troublesome. Avoid them, because you may get drawn into it or have that type of deception used on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): You're never going to understand because it's not something you could live with.
Why do people murder? Why do people abuse others? Enslave children for profit? Why do people do bad things to other people and not care?
I have no idea and you know what? I like that I will never understand because it means I have good principles and it means I'm not capable of such acts, well not without my conscience turning me into a basket case anyway.
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