A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is this weird?I started dating a man, and we've been on a few dates, I'm still getting to know him. But during the last date he told me that he had been previously engaged to a woman he had dated for almost ten years since he met her in college. He said that he broke off the engage just a few months before the wedding date (after the invitations were sent out) because the fiancé refused to do the one thing his mother wanted her to do at their wedding. He said it wasn't that that made him break off the engagement, but that afterwards she cussed his mother out to him behind the mother's back. While I admire that he's protective of his family enough to be upset if someone disrespects his mother, I'm just surprised that that would end a ten year relationship, especially with the wedding date set.... He said, though, that for him he wanted to be able to have family get togethers, and after the fiancé said terrible things about his mother, he didn't think that they could ever have normal happy family get togethers afterwards. I asked him whether he regretted breaking off the engagement now, and he hesitated, but he ultimately stated there would have been family problems. He did say though that he was happy with her, but for that one thing, and that any woman he now marries will be compared to her, and must be better than her. I don't know what to make of that, to be honest. A part of me is confused that ten years is thrown away in one day.... But at the same time, I respect that his family means a lot to him. Is this strange or some kind of red flag?On top of that, after he told me all of this, he started asking me what my timeline was and that he felt that time was running out for him and he is getting older. We are in our early to mid 30s. He told me I was great on paper and he didn't want to wait long to be engaged or married. After that whole night, I have just been feeling uncomfortable and confused. I haven't contacted him since, and I don't know what to even make of any of this. I had wanted to get to know him, but for some reason I'm a little turned off now.... Am I overreacting or being unreasonable? Should I continue getting to know him, or is this a red flag?
View related questions:
engaged, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): Thank you for all your responses!It's been a couple days since that date now, and I'm STILL feeling uncomfortable and turned off by the whole thing. I thought I should give him a chance and continue to get to know him, but I can't help but not be able to move on from the turning off point. I agree, his comments about "being good on paper" are a huge turn off and insulting, and I won't feel like he's actually interested in me, rather than the idea of me, especially since he's in a hurry. Plus, there's still something off about the whole back story and calling off the engagement. The Norman comments/allusions were quite funny. BUT! To be fair and clarify, here are some more details about the wedding/engagement thing: The fiance had three dresses planned out to wear during the reception (this does not include the wedding dress to be worn for the ceremony itself), and the mother asked the fiance if she would wear one dress that is traditional to the mother's culture, but not to the fiance, but the fiance did not want to. According to the guy (as a lot of you pointed out, I'm only hearing his side, but this is what he told me), after he wanted to call off the engagement, both his parents and the fiance's parents got together with the guy and his fiance to see if they could work it out, including the guy's mother. So it seems, again according to the guy, that his mother was involved in trying to get them to patch things up. I don't know if that changes any of your responses. But in any case you have all been so helpful to me! I go on this site often to read questions/answers, and you are all so awesome!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 May 2014):
 I see a whole forest of red flags here.
First of all it's been a FEW dates and he is talking marriage and kids.
Second of all, his former fiance was dumped after 10 years.. Because she wanted HER wedding HER way and not HIS Mother's way? It wasn't HIS mother's wedding. I get that a man who loves his mom and is loyal to her CAN be a good thing, but this? it just seems weird.
My guess is that MOMMY DEAREST want grand-kids NOW. so he has to find someone to pop them out.
Yea, this would be a TOTAL no-go for me.
Add the fact that you get a weird vibe here (gut instinct) means you need to listen to YOURSELF and not all the sweet words he is pouring out.
HE doesn't know you that well, YOU don't know him that well.
I'd toss him back and try another one.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (3 May 2014):
The problem here is that we're only getting one side of the story, and the aunts and uncles are jumping to judge based on that one side. My take is, there's much more to the story than meets the eye, and we don't know what that is. I say, keep dating him for a bit if you like him, and keep a close eye on what his relationship with his mom is like. A man should be good to his mom, but if it looks like mom runs the show,time for YOU to run.
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (3 May 2014):
 Is his name Norman by any chance??
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 May 2014):
 Oh hey...just wanted to add, he tells you that he dumped his ex...the more I read into this, the bigger the lie looks! I bet its the ex who dumped him because of his overbearing mother. Of course he'll tell you that he dumped her to look like the hero; a needy pathetic character like him would never own up to being dumped.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 May 2014):
 It sounds like he is an a great hurry of settling down and giving grandchildren to that domineering, interfering mother of his...
Yeah of course nobody wants their mother to be cussed out , duh. But also, intelligent people would not let their mothers run the show, or attempt to run the show, at their weddings, or impose any conditions ( one or more does not matter ) to the bride. They'd find a way , blunt or diplomatic or whatever works best, to make mom back off.
It's very good when people gve importance t o their families- as long as they don't give it MORE importance than to their NEW -founded family ....
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 May 2014):
 By the way, what right did his mother have to demand the ex did anything at HER wedding? The mom isn't the one to be married. I'd keep a careful eye at that mom. It could have been exactly like someone else said: that this was the mothers way to mark territory and make sure the girlfriend knew who was in charge.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 May 2014):
Hahahaha! You know that story about the 10 year relationship and ending it didn't really bother me. People have pasts, whether he did the right thing or not, who knows. I wasn't there, I don't know what his mother asked of the girlfriend or what the girlfriend said about the mother, nor do I know either party, so it's impossible to comment on. So I wouldn't judge on that before I had more information. But the LAST part you wrote is what set me of laughing hysterically. I would so not go on another date with him.
"You're good on paper, and I don't want to wait too long", LMAO
It's one thing to be desperate and ready to settle, but to say it out loud just like that? I'd be offended. I don't want to be someone settlement because I am apperently good on paper. Imagine, lol. "Mom, how did dad know you were the one?" "Oh, dear, he thought I was good on paper, so there wasn't much else to think about".
How cute. Not. Of course, if an arranged marriage is what you're after, then good on paper is all that matters. But if you want a love marriage then good on paper is an insult, because it is rid of all emotion or actual interest in you as a person.
In addition, he added you will always be compared to someone else. So no, that's not my idea of how a new romance should start off. Obviously, if he's going to compare all women to his ex, then he isn't over his ex. I would suggest that he gets over himself and his bloated ego, calls his ex and makes up with her. Tell him that people are always going to find a reason to dislike each other in a family, no matter what family, and people work it out and have family gatherings despite of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (3 May 2014):
OP I think that its really nice to have a man care this much about his family and especially his mother. Its almost a rare quality in the world of today and it shows that this is a man of integrity who would never stand anyone disrespecting his mom. To call off such a long relationship means that he really does put his family above and beyond all else.
Alright. Political correctness aside, lets get down to the point.
Be careful this isn't a mommy's boy your're dealing with here. Its great that he loves his mom and I too wouldn't stand anyone saying anything derogatory against my mother but make sure this guy doesn't have a mom who rules over him with an iron fist and wields a kind of control over him that you could never deal with. If she's an overbearing mom who tries to get in her word and then throws a fit when she doesn't have her way, then you're in for trouble.
Make sure you know which of the two it is. Is he just too influenced by his mom was the ex-fiancee simply out of line? She must have said and something pretty awful for him to have reacted like this because lets face it, most people aren't particularly very fond of their in-laws or potential in-laws and we've all mostly passed the odd, occasional snide remark about them. It doesn't normally mean any harm and is just said in the heat of the moment. To call off a relationship over this must have meant that this was something terrible, certainly a deal breaker.
Also, how long have you known this guy? A "few dates" doesn't qualify as much time. Do you know him well enough to decide if you actually want to commit to him? He seems to be eager to settle down but I think you should keep your options open and take your time. Don't rush into anything, get to know him better, follow your instincts and if he tries to rush you towards any kind of commitment, just wish him well and say goodbye. Don't do anything that you're not sure about.
As regards the ex-fiancee episode, remember, everyone just tells you their side and their version of the story. Of course he'll protect his mom and himself but something must have surely happened to have triggered that kind of response from the girlfriend. I mean, look at it this way, ten years with her and he's fine then suddenly she says something bad about the mom and he throws her out? Something must have surely provoked her to come up with that kind of a reaction because if she was really that big a bitch, what was he doing with her for ten years? I have a feeling there's more to the break up than what he's telling you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): I forgot to add - if you don't believe me about the mother dominating things then ask yourself: what kind of mother would WANT her son to actually call off his wedding because his fiancee didn't want to do what she (the mother) wanted? She'd have to be a really, really selfish mother to allow that to happen
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): He's already tried to totally control your relationship before it's even begun:1. You've immediately been given an ultimatum:"Do as I say (which is actually what my mother says because although I pretend I've grown up I haven't ever left her apron strings behind) or I will dump you without hesitation.2. Be "better" than my ex-fiance - and I retain the right to decide what "better" means at any given time in the future of our relationship.3. Be quick or I'm off. I don't care about your natural sense of timing, it has to happen to my timescale or I'm not even gonna bother.Believe it or not ALL three things actually indicate that this person is TERRIFIED of a real relationship and they confirm that he really has not psychologically separated from his mother enough to go into a relationship and just take it as it happens.Asking a fiancee to do "one thing" that his mother wanted might seem like an innocent request but you can bet your bottom dollar that it wasn't, even if it was something like wearing grandma's brooch or carrying a specific flower in the bouquet. I'll bet any money you like that it was 100% the mother's way of dominating the wife ever after and saying "although you think you are getting my son you aren't really" because your whole wedding and future hinges around my request...see what power I have and bow to it now or don't even bother." Do not get involved, please, this man will make your life hell. Move on immediately.
...............................
A
male
reader, Seldy +, writes (3 May 2014):
It's a huge red flag. In twenty years this guy is going to be Norman Bates. The intervening twenty years will be his mother running his life, and the life of anyone attached to him.
The pushy questions about the timeline are probably because his mother is on his back to hurry up and get married because she wants grandchildren. (Grandchildren whose lives she can run.)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): I love the fact that he kicked her to the curb over his mother. 10 years or not, no one will EVER disrespect my mother. That was his red flag right there.
I will say that it is a red flag that he is willing to rush into the relationship because he is getting older. I think that is a bad decision. Things should happen naturally. You should go to him with your feelings and have a voice. He may see things your way and then your guys could move slower.
If he doesn't want to move slower then move on. No biggie. Plenty of men on the planet
...............................
|
