A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It seems like when you call someone a "nice guy" it seems as if it has some sort of negative connotation to it as if it is synonymous with loser, wimp, geek/nerd, pushover etc. basically anything that would be viewed as unattractive to the opposite sex.Do you think that the term "nice guy" has a negative meaning or has some sort of stigma attached to it? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (4 May 2014):
 I suppose the same could be generalized about men with women. Why would men prefer to go for the stereotypical dumb blonde who bats her eye lashes and can't complete a full thought? Who relies 100% on her looks to get things from men and never has had to work a job in her life because she's always manipulated men. Why would any self-respecting male prefer that type of woman over a woman who has a PhD and takes care of herself? Who can carry on great and interesting conversation. Who would make a great and healthy partner? Why do men do this?
I think both genders feel the same, just in different ways.
On a side note I'm gay, and I'll say this. I'm not unattractive. But I'm certainly not someone that people would typically just find drop dead gorgeous and throw themselves at. And yet I've dated some beautiful women. My girlfriend now is phenomenal looking. Absolutely stunning. Women go for personality. Make them laugh and be confident, and you're gold. When I go on first dates, I'm laid back and have a good time. Women see past the initial first appearances if they don't find you initially attractive if you sell yourself on your confident personality. It's all in how you carry yourself. If women say you're "too nice" what they really mean is you've kissed their ass too much and you're acting like a total push over. No one likes that. It's one thing to be nice and genuine and another to give the impression you'll drop everything to make her happy after the first date.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): It does seem SOME women are hyper critical of men who are overly nice, yet willing to overlook far too much with guys who are arrogant, cocky, false, treat them as a trinket, etc. if a man is a little bit timid, tries a bit to hard, etc he is seen as pathetic, needy or a push over and is to be avoided or viewed with suspicion. Yet if a bloke gets drunk every night, has a police record, parades a woman off his arm like a trinket or is more bothered with laddish larking about and footie than his partners feelings then women take an attitude of "boys will be boys" and live with it. A lot of women look down on needy men and wouldn't give him the slightest chance of a relationship, yet come back for more time and again when a man gets handy with his fists. Some women wont give a man a second chance when he makes the mistake of trying to hard, yet will beg for more when an arrogant bad boy treats them like shit. Why is it that when a man acts with dignity, old fashion manners and treats a woman in a way which is polite he is often seen as suspicious, yet some cocky, drunken badboy say "Alright babes!!" and gives an earful of arrogant bull shit and overly fake and so many of the women are impressed?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 May 2014):
 I agree with Mark1978.
There are several types of Nice Guys. The ones who FEEL entitled to GET whatever GIRL he think HE deserves because he is a Nice Guy. They might be NICE, but they are delusional. In the sense that SAYING you are a nice guy, and doing nice thing (but with ulterior motives) doesn't MAKE a guy, a nice guy.
And I agree, if a guy is TRULY a good guy it is VERY odd that women rather avoid him for an abusive jerk.
Though I have to say MANY women hold on to the Kindergarten attitude (you know if the guy yanks her pig tail, or throws a book at her that means he LIKES her. THAT is what little girls are taught.) Some grow up and say, the heck with that! Others say, Oh so a guy have to be a little bit of a douche to love me.
I have a couple of really nice fellows in my circle of friends. One has been married 25? years to his husband, one has been married 28 years and one recently got divorced. NONE of them CALLS themselves a "Nice Guy".
My BIL is a nice guy. He treats women really good, BUT he is a push over when it comes to certain things, and I know many women don't like that. That and he seems to have a "taste" for "damsels in distress" who ends up using him for a while and then going back to an ex or moving on to another guy. He doesn't GET why it doesn't work out. He also JUMP right into a relationship after a bit of texting, getting WAY to serious (helping pay her bills, take her to doctor appointments, move her in etc.) WAY to fast. I have NEVER heard him be bitter about it or claiming that he is a Nice Guy and why doesn't he ever get the "girl". Never. But he actually is a pretty decent guy. And has no problems finding dates. He has problems KEEP a women though. I don't think it's because he is nice, I think it's because some of the other reasons I mentioned, such as.. moving the relationship at lightning speed before he really knows the woman and she knows him.
All in all, being a nice guy isn't a bad thing. Being bitter and pissed of at half the world's populations (women) because they as a "Nice Guy" can't get the woman they want... that is a bad thing.
Women don't owe every nice guy a darn thing. Just like men don't OWE decent women anything either.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (4 May 2014):
 To add to my previous response, I agree completely with Cindy Cares.
However I am often surprised and a little disheartened why so many women pass over the "Nice Guy" guy who wants a medal for having a steady job, being sensible with his alcohol input, not having a criminal record, etc, and have relationships with bad boy types who are fresh from a jail sentence, binge drink most nights, get into fights, etc.
For sure being sensible, having a steady income, not being a drunk and so on should be the bear minimum for man looking to meet and intelligent, mature, sensible woman and yet there are an awful lot of men who are lame who never get a girlfriend, and yet most of the lager swilling, spitting, swearing types never seem to go short.
Ive been out socially with women I know, sensible, mature, intelligent women, and they have dismissed such and such a person for being "too nice" or "too needy" or whatever, only to then go "Phoa I want a bit of that!" when some bad boy primitive man swaggers in the room in his hoodie, tracksuit and fag behind the ear, swearing and swilling beer while looking for a fight.
On this site we don't get many questions saying "my BF is a decent, honest person who always does right by me, should I feel guilty for leaving him?". Yet we get plenty of questions along the lines of "My BF hits me, rape me, cheats on me, humiliates me but I cant leave him because I love him so much!"
I recently tried internet dating an I was disheartened to find so many of the women on the site put things like "top 3 turn ons: BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS & BAD BOYS".
Im not disagreeing with Cindy, just food for thought. Im wondering why a slightly needy, insecure, shy guy can have a great job, clean record, manners, be thoughtful and selfless and so on and be passed over. Yet a bad boy type with no job, a criminal record, an aggression issue and so forth will never have any trouble finding a partner.
Its seems "Nice Guys" acheivements and good qualities are dismissed as a bear minimum a man should have and nothing special. Yet bad boys without a job, fresh out of jail, who binge drink, treat women like shit and so on don't even need those qualities.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2014): Show me a woman who settled for less than the bare minimum. I will probably show you a woman who could have had the bare minimum but she chose against it in favor of something else she wanted more. A guy who was sexier, more popular, wealthier, etc. She didn't fail to find the bare minimum, she ranked the Bare Minimum too far down on her list and chose against it. Willingly. This is what makes Nice Guys so bitter.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 May 2014):
 The definition " nice guy " is a compliment and carries no stigma , unless in the eyes of those men who call themselves nice guys JUST because they have some manners, or do not use drugs or do not drink like a fish , etc.- yet haven't much else to offer other than being " nice ", i.e. normally polite, socially functional, and not a criminal or a woman beater , which is, or at least should be, actually the bare minimum required from any man. So these nice guys impute their lack of success with women to their being nice guys,... but not to being ,maybe,boring , bland, predictable, unassertive, socially awkward, ... in short, LAME.
The typical nice guy who's bitter about not being enough appreciated/ noticed by women is a guy who would want a gold medal and a round of applauses for : holding a regular job, or showering every day, or having a clean police record. Which is good of course , but it is , again, the bare minimum for any woman with enough intelligence and self worth. THEN,to your basic nice you have to add personal qualities that make you interesting enough to be dated.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (4 May 2014):
I agree with mark1978. My guy friends with the hot wives are just simply plain old good dudes. But his explanation between nice guys and "nice guys" nails it on the head.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (4 May 2014):
I don't think so whatsoever. In fact, I have some guy friends who are just that - classic "nice guys." Both of them are married to seriously hot, beautiful women. So it really just depends on the way this so-called "nice guy" carries himself. If he is clingy and needy, then no, it's not attractive. If he comes across as too dependant, that's another turn off. But being a really nice guy is a turn on for most women, in general. Women really pay attention to personality.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (3 May 2014):
 If a guy calls himself a nice guy, the odds are that he's kind of needy and low on confidence and not a little bitter because he thinks women don't like him because he's a "nice guy".
If I call someone a nice guy, it means I'll probably be having a close encounter with his tool in the next fifteen minutes.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (3 May 2014):
It took me far too long to realise the difference between being a nice guy and a "Nice Guy".
Someone who is a nice guy lets others find out for themselves how kind, genuine, pleasant and thoughtful they are. "Nice Guys" are people (and I used to be one) who are needy, try to hard, can sometimes be a little pitiful and go around telling anyone with ears how they are NICE!!!
"nice Guys" often come across as a little bitter that they are so Nice and yet its the tough guys, the manly, arrogant, cocky blokes who gets the girl. Well yes some women are indeed attracted to bad boys. Assertive, sometimes very arrogant men, will often get the best looking woman in a club or a bar.
BUT that doesn't mean that a man who isnt arrogant, cocky, full of himself, pig ignorant or trying to pull a girl to impress his mates cant get a decent partner. Far from it.
You don't have to be a Lager swilling, arrogant, competitive male, with bulging abs and all of that to be a "man". What is not manly however is being a pushover, trying to hard to please or coming across as pathetic or trying too hard to show your different from all those "mans man" or false types.
Being cheesy nice to a women wont get you very far. Women choose partners for all sorts of reasons and they include looking for someone who can be financially stable, protective, a god father and role model to there children, etc...
You don't have to have a Rolex watch or Daniel Craigs body to be able to do that. Just coming across as assertive without being arrogant and selfish/aggressive and presenting an image of someone who will not be a push over at work, with family, etc is key.
Women like a man to take charge a little bit. Its not about not being nice, its about not being "Nice".
Women want a man to say "sorry Dorothy, I cant make it at Six tonight, do you mind if we meet at Eight?" Rather than a man who says "i'll be there at six, i'll drop everything, can we make it five as I cant wait to see you and i'll pick you up, pay your taxi fair home, are you warm enough?"
Its about not being a push over, without stepping into the territory of being selfish or arrogant.
As for meeting someone: yes an arrogant, cocky bloke will have success because he has the balls to chat up so many women, not take no for answer easily and can put on the act, the show, the bull to impress. BUT you don't have to be like that to get chatting to someone. However, being too shy, too unassertive and needy wont get a man anywhere.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 May 2014):
 No, I don't think women see anything negative with calling someone a nice guy. But I think a lot of unsuccessful men are making up a term "nice guy" as an excuse for their failure with women. Example: I'm a nice guy, but all women want bad boys.
It has no hold in reality. And more likely than not, the self proclaimed "nice guy" isn't actually a nice guy. I've met with men who claimed to be the "nice guy" and use that as an excuse for why they don't get women, pushing the blame on women. As it's womens fault for being so stupid to not want them. And, passing blame like that, not taking responsibility for your own actions, and generalizing women as a whole, is actually signs of a douche bag. Not a nice guy.
Nice guys always gets girlfriends. Self obsessed douche bags don't.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (3 May 2014):
 Agree entirely with person12345. A genuinely nice guy is nice because he is that way and not because he thinks that will help him get something from someone. And being nice is never out of fashion. Everyone appreciates genuine niceness.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (3 May 2014):
 Hi,
It has become negative, and ask yourself this: when most women break off a relationship the words that get used most commonly are "you're a nice guy... but" (It's not you, it's me) basically.
It's easy to understand why something seemingly nice can be made into something that is not so nice. I know it's not just women that use it, but you don't hear many men saying, "you're a nice girl but" it just doesn't happen.
I have to disagree with person12345. Men, and I can confirm this wholeheartedly as one, do not refer to themselves as self proclaimed "nice guys".
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 May 2014):
 Nice guy takes on a negative term as a label some guys apply to themselves as to why they can't attract any women. Usually bitter and lonely and desperate and anything but "nice." To most people nice means caring for other people but most self-proclaimed "nice guys" believe niceness to be a currency used for sex. Aka they think if they follow a checklist of traits, sex will follow.
If a guy is actually nice, not a "nice guy" it's definitely a positive thing. For those guys it's usually confidence that trips them up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): It does unfortunately and that is because it is confused with pushover. You can be a strong individual and nice at the same time. I would love a nice guy and respectful guy.
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