A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently started dating this guy who I really like. He is very honest, and after we had gotten to know each other quite well told me he has an addiction to porn which he is trying to quit. I dont have much experience with relationships, so I didnt really understand the effect of what he was trying to tell me. However, after asking him some more questions, he admitted none of his previous girlfriends have been able to excite him so to speak, and it seems that his sexuality has been quite damaged by the amount of porn he views and real women are not as effective.At this point, I'm not really sure what to do. I'm not upset by his problem, I'm understanding toward it since it appears to be a real issue for him, but I'm also very unequipped to help him as I have never been intimate with someone before. He is frustrated with himself for being this way, and has told me he does not want to lose me. Should I suggest he get counselling? Or should I give him space as he deals with this issue? I'm very out of my depth here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): Sounds to me as if this person is preparing to groom you to act out porn for him or in a film.I've heard of similar strategies, where a guy finds a virgin ONLY with the intention of making money out of her. He then befriends her and wins her trust.And then he pretends to "reveal" a problem he has, which is that he can't have normal sex, only porn type sex. And "trains" the young woman in how to act that out for him. And then act it out for others.All the while, she's hoping that he will return to 'normal' - the problem being that she doesn't even know what that is. And she becomes terrified that he will leave her because she believes he loves her and she loves him.Even if this story he's telling you was completely innocent - which it isn't - then the big question that you're not asking yourself is, why hasn't he sorted it out before now, with his previous girlfriends? Reason is he doesn't want to AND the story he's feeding you is not the whole truth.Honestly, you have no idea just how elaborate a pack of lies some men will concoct to try to trick an innocent young woman without her becoming too alarmed. He's trying to normalise porn, slowly and surely.If he came right out to you and said "Hey, I'm looking for a virgin who I can train to behave like a porn star for my own gratification and possibly for that of other men" you'd run a mile. So he's going about it in a much more cunning and long-winded way.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 Porn - like alcohol, drugs, and others - is an addiction which HAS A COMPLETE HOLD on a person. To become involved with someone who is addicted is to TAKE A CHANCE that they will RECOVER from that addiction. Sort of like encountering a pond and jumping in with both feet.... and hoping that the pond isn't so deep that you couldn't touch bottom, and - thereby - drown....
I think your choices are two:
1. Turn away NOW, and don't look back, or....
2. Wait an adequate period of time (two year comes to mind) to see if this man - of whom you are so fond - can, AND DOES ! kick his addiction..... at which time you might choose to re-open contact with him....
It's rarely successful if/when a woman takes up with a man in the hopes that: a. She can change him, or, b. HE will change for her....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 April 2015):
 Yikes.
What he is saying is, that it's NOT his fault if sex with REAL women are not as good (in his mind) as watching people FAKE sex. So he might NOT be interested in you sexually.
Honestly? I'd walk away now. YOU have nothing invested in this relationship yet.
He may BE addicted but he isn't DOING anything about it other than INFORM you.
It IS NOT up to you to suggest an action for curing or working on this, HE know full well what he NEEDS to do. IF he has "diagnosed" himself with this addiction, he also knows that he NEEDS to seek some kind of help. However... He isn't doing that.
He is basically saying if you two start having a sex life and it's NOT good for him and you, IT IS not his "fault"...
Yeah, honey. I'd walk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): Have no sex or sexual acts until he's gone for 3 months without porn.
It won't be hard for either of you because you've both not been having sex up to now.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2015):
 It's very possible that he's telling the truth AND feeding you a line at the same time. With this guy, you neither have the experience nor the position to play therapist to him. He should be under a doctor's or sex therapist's care, and the fact that he hasn't yet puts you in a very uncomfortable position here, one that given your virginity issue, you may want to set boundaries NOW before you proceed.
Here's the thing - he could pressure you into sex by saying that he's in the middle of quitting and that you are his only means to release. This is not true. Masturbation does not need porn to accomplish, so do not fall for that if he tries it. He could actually take advantage of his situation and prey on your lack of experience and lack of knowledge.
Place the boundary of NO SEX until he's stable in therapy. Not before, and you do not give sex or sexual favors (i.e. blowjobs or handjobs) as therapy. Sexuality is an expression of love or feelings for each other, not bandaids or aspirin you dole out to help his condition. Do you see what I'm saying to you?? That puts you in a spot, and it's an abuse of the relationship.
It's different when a couple is established or married and the beginning of the relationship and sexuality has a mutual foundation built in trust. In that instance, a partner helping a porn addict through "withdrawal" is a big help. However, at the start of a relationship, things are much different, and losing your virginity shouldn't have the pressure of his desensitization to conventional sex. Sex is a give and take, and if he is NOT a virgin (it sure sounds like he isn't), you need HIM to make it easy on you, not you needing to sufficiently stimulate HIM. First time sex for a virgin isn't usually this explosion of pleasure as it is!
The more I think of it, the more I keep thinking that this isn't the guy for you. You need a guy who will be with you sexually because he cares for you, not because he's so used to his hand and random sex images that he's burned out his drive. Not when it comes to your first drive. Tell him to get help and not just talk about it, and then you'll talk, but he needs help for himself. He did an extreme disservice to his past women. Do not join their ranks, and talk is cheap.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 He did not ask for space. He's afraid with space you would lose interest and start dating someone else, which is well within your right to do so. It's also not your responsibility to fix his issue. He might have sexual guilt and shame towards this addiction. What he asks for his patience and acceptance that you won't look at him as a perv. Our cells die and are being created time and time again. Don't underestimate our ability to reborn. However his addiction is not an excuse to ignore your needs and act selfish, so you have to think of your happiness too. If one wants to change one will find a way.
You have no experience in sex, but you've probably heard of similar stories of how people are trying to quit smoking or alcohol. It's gradual and sometimes they fall back on old habits. Maybe a stressful situation in life is all it takes for them to forget all accumulated efforts to quit.
You can't control what he does in life, but you can tell him if he wants to be in a relationship with you, then you are setting boundaries that he can't watch porn at all, not a week from now, not 5 years later, not on holidays that he can indulge.
Porn is a silent disease because it is not detrimental to health, only to relationships so there is no money funded on how to beat it. Different from quitting alcohol, there is no health risk on quitting cold turkey (people had died from shock, going from a lot of alcohol in the system to nothing) so I wonder what he means by trying to quit. You just stop doing it.
If he had really redeeming qualities I would be giving him lots of conditions. I would put a security lock/parental control on his computer and his cell phone. I would not call him boyfriend yet until he can show me that his brain can be aroused by any average natural female.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 April 2015):
 "he admitted none of his previous girlfriends have been able to excite him so to speak, and it seems that his sexuality has been quite damaged by the amount of porn he views and real women are not as effective"
"I'm also very unequipped to help him as I have never been intimate with someone before"
I think it was brave of him to let you know that he's got this problem. "he has an addiction to porn which he is trying to quit."
So what is he doing to try to quit?
I think based on your own personal history that he may not be an ideal boyfriend for you. None of his previous sexual relationships were successful, he acknowledges that he has a porn problem and you are a sexual newbie.
I would suggest that when he's dealt with his addiction and has a plan of moving forward that you might consider going out for coffee with him.
Until then, though, um, ugh, I'd give this one a wide berth. None of his girlfriends, the girls he chose to ask out and be intimate with, none of them have been able to excite him, as he reports. Like it's their fault and not his.... Hm.
Nope, I'd pass.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (21 April 2015):
 Porn addiction makes unreal (imaginary) sex more arousing than the real one, so basically he admitted to you that you will likely not be arousing for him during sex. I would therefore suggest you not have sex with him. I also think it is very likely that he knows that porn addiction counseling exists so why hasn't he already had some? There is nothing that you can do about his addiction because it is him who has to stop watching porn and he has to do that over prolonged period of time so that his brain sensitivity rebalances to normal.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 April 2015):
 My first reaction is that he is feeding you a line and hoping for a reward that will exceed his expectations. But then, I thought, wait maybe he really does believe he has an addiction to porn and wants you to help him beat his addicion by fulfilling his supressed desires.etc.,etc. AN then I thought, nope it's a line of BS in case he gets caught looking at porn on the net. Best wishes in your fight to help this troubled man.
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