A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend's mother who lived in new jersey fell really sick,she fell of the stairs,broke her back literally couldn't move,nor eat or go to the toilet..my boyfriend who was in spain at the time could not make it to her at the earlierst so I decided to go to new jersey and take care of her myself..its been 4 months since I'm here but my boyfriend has been so rude to me,he says I'm not taking enough care of his mother apparently whose complaining to him.I have been sleeping only 2 hours a day,cuz the mother would need to use the toilet,have to bathe her take her to bed but all my boyfriend does is nag me all day long,when I don't even know what am I doing wrong..from the past 4 months I haven't gone clubbing,watched a movie,socialised its just me and his mother and yet he tells me 'I don't even know if your taking care of my mother must be busy on your phone or talkin to your friends'..I ignore all this only because his mother is sick and may be that's why he's just being mean cause he was never like this earlier,plus he's on the verge of losing his job so may be I don't know I always find reasons to make up for his bad behaviour..I gave up my job to be with his mother,I don't know what more to do?I can't leave his mom cuz I've been nursing her and I've grown to love her even more,although I know she doesn't like me:( how do I get my boyfriend to treat me with a bit more respect? I've just been so depressed lately..
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (29 August 2012):
 WOW!!!!! Talk about "happy endings"!!!!!
God bless you.. and may this woman see that she NOW has a terrific friend!!!!
Good luck for the future....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone thought I'm make a quick update,his mother came to me yesterday,and she started behaving a lil more mean than she usually is and all of a sudden started crying.I thought the pain might have acted up and I asked her what's wrong and she said she's really sorry for the way she has been treating me and that no one has ever done this for her..I asked why was she so mean to me and she said she was getting attached to me and she knew I would leave her one day and her only resort was being mean so I stay far from her and she doesn't have to deal with the heart break when I leave..she told me how her daughter disowned her when all she gave to her was love so now she can't take another person leaving her and that's the reason she was cruel to me..I'm so happpyyy,I don't care if my boyfriend changes or not I know for sure I want to take care of her as long as I can..I asked her if she wants to move back to my city so I could work and still have a mother like figure to come back to..she said yes,I'm planning everything out back home,getting nursing services,care takers to take care of her when I'm at work..I'm just happy she finally accepted me..thank you everyone for your advise,thank you truly!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 August 2012):
 Your boyfriend needs to shut up and get his ass home to take care of his own mom. What a slime.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 August 2012):
 Also, to protect your own back, get the Doctor to give your boyfriend's mother a full check up just before you leave.
This is to check for any lesions, any bruises, and impending bed sore, any issues that can help demonstrate that under your care his mother was exceptionally well cared for.
This allows a given date to show that she was in a good state of health, nutrition and hydration.
If she deteriorates in the coming weeks it will be down to inadequate care.
And NOT down to your care.
Because if anything does go wrong they may try to blame you
By getting a full check up done you are showing good care procedure and also protecting your reputation in case any one tries to
By the way, PawPaw ointment is really good for the bottom of the feet of the infirm person, particularly if the person spends a lot of time in bed. It helps keep the skin in really good condition. If the skin around the feet tears then the skin becomes vulnerable to infection. I pick up all these tips from the great Carers and from a physiotherapist friend.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 August 2012):
Sadly your boyfriend is a fool and his mother is in denial.
I have looked after my mother in law on a series of occasions for weeks or months at different time, and now all the time. As now as she has health issues. But I do not try to do it alone. And guess what? After some trepidation she actually looks forward to the carers arriving. One arrives in time for the shower, and I am glad I no longer have to do that as it was embarassing for me.
Then another carer arrives to give her lunch and then they go for a drive. She has her own front door and she welcomes them into her living area.
We have also discussed the future in case Paliative care at home is ever required. We know it could happen. So we know that if it happened we would have to fund an extra couple of carers for the weekend. Currently we do not have carers at the weekend as it is not needed. But Palliative care would need that. The Ignorance of your boyfriend to not even try to understand this is appalling. Palliative care can be required for anywhere from one week to several months or sometimes longer. And it is NOT possible to get through it without extra carers.
And your boyfriend's mother being in denial is not uncommon. She cannot imagine a time will come when she cannot manage to lift her arms to wash her hair. And not even be able to do a whole range of other personal care activities. Perhaps she does not want to face the reality that she really does rely heavily on you now.
Once you walk away do not feel any guilt. They have made their family decision, flawed though it is. They have no understanding of how much they are making her vulnerable.
You have done your very very best. You can do no more than that. Many elderly people are left to die in squalor in their own homes precisely because of such ignorance on the part of family who DO NOT care for the parent on a daily base but NEVER want to acknowledge what a tough demanding job it really is.
You can walk away from this with your head held high. The family can only HANG THEIR HEADS IN SHAME when they realise the error of their ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the advise..I always think I'm going to leave but when I see his mom struggling each day my heart doesn't let me walk out that door...
I'v spoken to the boyfriend regarding these services you mentioned he does not want that,cuz his mother beleives that if death comes to her,it should be at her own house..!and he doesn't want a care taker at home I don't know why..when I mentioned about this to him yesterday he said if I can't take care of his mother I should leave and stop suggesting 'nonsense' to him..I knew he would never accept any of this..like I said one more month and then I'l leave,I hope and pray the best for both of them..
Thanks again everyone for taking out time to write to me..
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 August 2012):
Besides the age difference between the lady (who you have come to like) and the cultural differences (you have the Australian flag and I imagine the lady is a long term resident of New Jersey. Then there is the fact that you are the girl friend and not a daughter. So you don't have 'history' with the lady. And finally she may find it embarassing at times so she lashes out at the very person who is helping her the most.
And I bet you hardly have time to do anything for yourself?
You need RESPITE now. And you need to connect with the services and helping possibilities in New Jersey.
All carers NEED a one to two week complete break every three months. Thee weeks if you can manage it. You are sleep deprived and under great pressure.
You also need to discuss these things with your completely ungrateful boyfriends.
Here are some options:
Read more: Programs for Elderly Care in New Jersey
eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/list_6137957_programs-elderly-care-new-jersey.html#ixzz24k6crXU8
http://www.ehow.com/list_6137957_programs-elderly-care-new-jersey.html
Division of Aging and Community Services
New Jersey Department of Health and Senior Services
50 East State St.
Trenton, New Jersey 08625
609-943-4060
nj.gov/health/senior/go.shtml
New Jersey has a Community Care Program for the Elderly and Disabled (CCPED)
This program helps people with a range of proograms and help. And Thankfully it also has a RESPITE program. Though I imagine you would have to book into RESPITE a long time in advance.
These programs also allow you help with transportation of your boyfriend's mother to all manner of programs and services she may need. Freeing you up for some other duties on occasions. And then they bring the client back home and safely usher the client back into their home.
The lady will need to be assessed if she is younger than 64. If she is over 64 she qualifies for this support. Unless she is a high net worth individual who earns a higher monthly income. But of course if the latter was true then the lady could afford some services anyway.
A family conference with your boyfriend and other family members plus the details of what is available should occur.
Those who do not do the caring ALWAYS underestimate how much time and effort and mental energy goes into caring for an infirm elderly person. More so if the elderly person is very DEMANDING. As is the case, it seems.
You are exhausted by all this. If the family still persist in being unreasonable then document the discussion and contact :
Division of Aging and Community Services
New Jersey Department of Health and Senior Services
to advise that you are going to cease caring for the lady and that once you leave the Lady will become an extremely vulnerable elderly person. As she is unable to care for herdself.
Document that decision and provide a copy to the above agency and to each of the children of the lady.This is to cover you if they claim later that you abandoned the lady.
Your boyfriend and his family are being completely unreasonable
You might have more fun backpacking over Europe.
Best Wishes
Abella
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): I know what you are going through I went with a guy for many years his mom fell sick so she had other children but they did nothing but watch their mom rott in filth .I would took it up on myself to cook ,clean,and bathe his mom knowing this woman didn't like me but I cared for her so much and because I loved him.I took care of his grandmother in the same house bathe her whole nine yards with no help from her family long story short I hope they both r.i.p his mom and grandmother passed and then his oldest sis passed so people need to be careful how they treat people especially the ones who truly love them.Be strong but don't stay to long.:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): I was in a relationship with a guy and I was cleaning his mom's house giving the grand mother baths washing the whole nine yards I loved his family but you no what he had other brothers and sisters they didn't give a damn .Now his mom,sister,and grand mother passed hope they all rest in peace.God knows your heart do what you feel you have a beautiful heart?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2012):
First off: Congratulations for being a TERRIFIC FRIEND and caretaker to this woman... You are a Saint....
THEN,... let me apologize on behalf of this "B/F" who is acting like a total a*s... as you describe it....
Finally... consider that YOU and this woman are all that matters in the situation that you've described.... That little boy (your "B/F") that you described is of no import. He's an idiot.... and his MOTHER is stuck with him... but YOU aren't...
Stick with the Mom for as long as you can tolerate things... BUT, be prepared to say, "Ta-ta... t'was nice (and rewarding) to be your caregiver... but your pathetic SON has made it so that I cannot do so in the future... Good luck, Mum"
Then, take your leave from the situation...
Sorry to read that your good deeds and intentions are wasted on such ungrateful people....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 August 2012):
 I don't think you are stupid for wanting to help, to be there for an elderly person who can't help herself, but it's come to a point where you are taken for granted and basically being USED and abused.
Being a good person is not something you should feel bad about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): Get out now! U didnt have any children together u guys are not engaged. He will probably treat u the same or worse if u feel ill and he to take care of u. Let him worry about her, let him find a nurse for her . Before leave let his
Mom know that u don't feel appreciated, that u left ur job to take care of her and also let her know how he treats u and that contributes to u leaving. Adios!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't have sisters,and all his loved one are in canada and not even one person stepped in to help the mother..I'v worked for an old age home for 4 years now and I know how to take care of people like this,so for me its hard leaving her alone even though my boyfriend is treating me like this..but I think I can't take it anymore,I always think I know people may think I'm stupid and foolish but I feel she'l come around someday and treat me like a daughter,may be I'm seeing too much..
I will be with her for another month and I still see that I can't be Of any help I'm going to leave,may be my boyfriend can find some one else..
Thank for all your help agony aunts..thanks again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): what a lovely person you are. BUT.. i think u need to leave him/them. I would if it were me. as so very confused said u can always maintain a friendship with his mother and if she is a decent woman she would be grateful to you and want to continue to be friends with u. it's time to think of yourself and your career. at your age you should be out enjoying yourself! i would be gone....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 August 2012):
 you demand the respect you deserve by leaving him.
if you care about the mother you can maintain a friendship with her but honey you are not a slave... you are just being treated like one.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 August 2012):
I agree. His mom is complaining to him?!? You did a really spectacular thing for him above and beyond the call of duty, and this is how he repays you, and his mom too.
Does this guy not have brothers or sisters or other family members to help take care of the mom? Does his mom not have friends and loved ones to help take care of her? It's telling that you are the only one that was available, and given their treatment of you, I can now see why.
If I were you, I would walk. Tell his mom to call her care provider to send her an at-home nurse to take care of her, but you've had enough of her complaints to her boyfriend and his berating of you for something he should be kissing your feet for instead. Your boyfriend has failed his mom.
His mom would also benefit from being in the hands of professionals, as 4 months later, there should be a plan for physical therapy. You can't put your life on hold like this if it's not appreciated. You need to think about yourself, your career, and your life. This isn't your mom, and your boyfriend has made it clear that he doesn't care about you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 August 2012):
Wow, sorry honey, I would WALK away and HE can take care of HIS mother.. I would help out best as I could too, but if SHE is complaining and he gets pissy, it's time for HIM to see what it takes to take care of her. Sounds like you.... need a break or a vacation and ... a new boyfriend.
Ungrateful pair of people!
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