A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Am I insane?I met a guy on match.com. We messaged eachother at the same time. He was stationed in afghanistan and would be home in two months. He was in special forces (i won't say what but it is pretty badass). we exchanged texts and emails daily and he would send videos and pics and i would do the same. Over time we seemed to be very compatable. He sent messages about being more excited to see me than anything else about coming home. He said we would be doing so much stuff and going so many places. He had two dozen roses sent to my house on my birthday. He was extremely romantic and at the same time, extremely tough and brave.Fast Foward to his return home. He immediately calls to meet me. We meet. Sparks fly. He can't take his eyes off me and tells me I am more beautiful than my pictures.we spend some time together that day and he can't keep his hands off me and holds my hand and brushes my hair out of my face and everything. I was very attracted to him and him to me. The next day, I meet his best friend. We all go out. He then hangs out with his best friend for the night and i with mine. He then leaves for a ski trip (already planned for months) it is a week long. he texts everyday and sends pics and says how much he misses me.He gets back and has me come right over after work and has candles lit for me in the house and we become intimate and it is amazing and he says i am the sexiest best blah blah blahwe hang out again when i am off work and we ride on his motorcycle and i cook him dinner and we play death match on call of duty. the next time we hang out we get into a bit of a discussion about religion.I believe in God and the Bible and he doesn't but isn't atheist, he is agnostic. I am fine with what he wants to believe or not believe but he seems to want to convince me that my beliefs are stupid. I eventually just say lets agree to disagree kind of thing and he is cool with it.we go to a retaurant and meet his other special forces buddies and thier girlfriends. we have a great time. he holds my hand gives me kisses. He then takes me back to his place and teaches me to two step and we dance in his living room.He then goes away for training for a week for his job. During this time he texts and sends videos and pics.calls once during trip but they were in mountains some of the time with bad reception. Next time we hang out, I come over he can't keep his hands off, we get intimate and go for another motorcycle ride and he cooks me dinner and then breakfast next morning. he says he is going to get tea in the house for me and wants to go to a place to hike and have a picnic and go riding when he picks up his new bike. I leave for work.This is the last day i see him. The total number of days we were able to hang out is about 8 days and not full days. these days were broken up by a ski trip that lasted about 14 days and a trainig week. The day we are supposed to hang out and go riding he calls me and I had a bad feeling cause he didn't text after work the day before. he says he wants to talk to me about some stuff and it is nothing crazy and asks if i want to talk in person or over the phone (BAD SIGN) i said just tell me now.he says he doesn't feel we are ever going to get to the next level and that he just doesn't feel that intense, obsessive crazy level of attraction/chemistry or whatever it is. he says that if he doesn't feel it fast then he never will and doesn't want to waste my time and his and i can respect that i guess. I am in complete shock and feel blind sided but i react like a mature adult and say that while i don't feel he even gave me a chace due to the limited amount of time we have spent together, i had nothing to say if that is how he felt and told him that i saw things that were not exactly perfect in him but wanted to see where things would go over time as time can bond people and make a spark grow. He was very final in what he said so i accepted and said goodbye. I am completely devestated, confused, and shocked. When he was overseas i kept telling him not to build me up to be this fantasy girl and to wait till we met. He would send contant emails and texts about how i looked like a model and i was perfect for him and he had not been this excited about a girl in about 10 years. between the two months of emails, texts, and videos from overseas and the amazing times we had when we met, it really feels like i have been swept off my feet to be dropped on my ass. He would always say that he knew we would have an amazing connection. He made me feel like i was the next best thing to sliced bread. I just feel so stupid now. He says he is ready to settle down but i guess i didn't make him feel crazy love in the brief times we hung out so he dumped me before even getting to know me much in person. I now feel like he was just attracted to me and did all this romantic stuff and affectionate stuff as some kind of show or act. I don't get it. I am so hurt and confused. He went to great lengths to impress me and showed me where he worked and had me meet all his friends and all this stuff that people do when they are really into you and then just like that he drops me and wishes me the best. My confidence has never been this shaken before. It is so hard to find a manly guy these days. The worst part is, he has an awesome job, is in great shape and can have any girl he wants so he will not suffer at all. I can't help but wonder what i could have done to create that intense crazy feeling he seems to need right off the bat (the one that he seemed to already have and displayed actions like he had)I know this was a brief whirl wind but it has hurt me badly. Its like I can't let go of the great life we were supposed to have.I can't let go of the tough guy who swept me off my feet.I have not chased him or contacted him since so i at least have my dignity but OUCH!!I hope some people at least think that crazy chemistry is more like infatuation (like he felt overseas and when we first met). Infatuation never lasts and it doesn't always lead into a great relationship. I have had relationships that started out with infatuation and they ended terribly.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 Hi
Yes just keep on trucking.
As you say, he can get any girl he wants but you didn't go running after him. Or go pick up your stuff. Good for you.
Men like him are professional players,know they can reel girls in,so they do.His job gives him the opportunity to 'be away' or vague and his mates will cover his ass. Forces men are *extra* loyal to each other because of the nature of their jobs, the dangers they face together.
We are all a fool for someone at least once.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1
I really wasn't trying to beat myself up and i don't have low self esteem but its hard for the self esteem to not take a bit of a blow from that. I am obviously over it by now but it was still very weird. I will definately never get to know anyone over skype again. I work in a field and a shift that makes it hard to meet people outside of work so I don't date often and i don't sleep around which weeds out the palyers (usually). Guess I'll just keep trucking
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 April 2013):
 I second So Very Confused's recommendation of the book by Judith Sills. It is VERY helpful and really makes you understand what may be going on his his head.
Don't take it personally. One of the most basic concepts and so difficult to grasp and accept but so so true.
You're beating yourself up because you want to beat yourself up, for some reason. You've engineered a situation that basically validates your lower self-esteem.
Do yourself a huge favor and just blow him off. Don't bother trying to understand him, communicate with him or revisit the shoulda woulda couldas.
Read that book ASAP.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 April 2013):
 OP I know you feel bad but this really is NOT personal. It’s hard to understand how it can’t be about you and what you did or did not do but his behavior is his and it’s his problem and NOT a reflection on you.
One of my favorite relationship books is a book by Dr. Judith Sills called “A Fine Romance” It’s not expensive as it’s in paperback. See if you can get a copy and read it and see if it helps you work through this feeling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE:
he actually texted to see how I was doing and when i wanted to come pick up my stuff. I told him to give it to good will as I never left anything important. He seemed very suprised. That was the last i have heard from him.I still feel like a rejected idiot
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): Ask yourself this: which would hurt more: being dumped by him as you were, or after 5 years of marriage and a kid or two?
I'm an optimist, so I think you were lucky to have met him and lucky to have lost him!
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (20 March 2013):
Hi
Go back on Match with a false profile, see what he is up to on there,I think you *need* to see if he is on there,if he uses same lines on the new 'you'.
You didn't do anything wrong and this man has upset you by his actions.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2013):
OP... please feel free to PM me.
I think you may be over thinking this.
IMO, he TRIED. maybe he tried TOO Hard and too fast.
I often have found in cases like this that the "flash and burn" kind of relationships have this happen.
The book 'why men love bitches' talks about the ju-ju-bee method where you dole out your attentions slowly ONE ju-ju-bee at a time... Like a candy machine.
It sounds like game playing if you really like the guy and I can see feeling that way but I also know if you are with a flash, crash and burn guy... giving him access slowly holds his attention longer.
Again, I do not think it's anything you did wrong.... it was just his way... I've had guys like that and it's frustrating when you have no clue what went wrong but I can assure you it's not you.
another great book I recommend is "a fine romance" by Judith Sills.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso to "SO Very Confused"
If there were no sparks or interest in person, I would have never met him a second time. I would never have kept kissing him and introducing him to my best friends and take me on bike rides and dinners. I would never do all the things one does to show genuine interest if I had none.
I have had an instance where i dated a guy for about a month and it didn't click but i told him why and there were no meetings with friends and me going on about how hot he is and stuff like that. No little signs of affection like holding hands and caressing. It all just seems like one big act if he really didn't see it going anywhere
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): "It just hurts and it's hard to vent to anyone when u have to admit u only hung out 7 or 8 times."
I totally understand how you feel. I met a wonderful man and it felt like we were falling in love but he ended it because of his ex-girlfriend issues. We had spent a total of 6 non-consecutive days together. I was devastated, in fact it still hurts now, two months later, but it's embarrassing to tell people how much I'm hurting over someone I spent so little time with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto totally confusethanks and i agree with you that he is caught up in movie style "can't live without you" style fantasies but reality is rarely a fantasy come true. As far as book "why men love bitches" I would hate to read what i could have done different to keep him. I will certainly never buy into all that romance again. He is perfect in every way except a very crucial one. I hate to think of him meeting the perfect girl and being happy forever but it is possible that will happen and it is also VERY possible he will keep dumping great girls in search of the perfect one until he realizes he is 50 years old
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2013):
OP i see your follow up... (its not marked as one)thank you for the rest of the story.I didn't think he was marriedI don't think he used youand I don't think that you sleeping with him is what ended it.I have seen his type before... (this is not an insult to either of you)I've read that men are quick to fall in love and quick to fall out too... and i think that's what happened here.I don't think that the sleeping with him made him fall out of love... he just got a reality check.he may be too picky.he may not have an accurate idea of what long term real life relationships are like...What I can tell you is that it's not you it's him.There is a book called "why men love bitches" and it may serve you well to read it and take some ideas from it.you had all your eggs in one basket with this guy who meets YOUR criteria for a partner... and if you had met him and ONE thing had not been there... perhaps he was not manly enough for you in one thing... would you have still been so head over heels for him? or would that one thing have colored your lust?do not feel stupiddo not feel used
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): I don't nesseserally agree with poster who said he was in only for sex and so on. Some men and women love romancing. They love a new feeling of butterflies over and over again. They are butterflies themselves. Despite the fact that they want to stay with someone permanently, they can't accomplish it ever. The novelty goes away, they cool down, and they have to move on. It's not nesseserally they tricked you in to have sex. This guy as you described is a good looking successfull, he can have anyone. He doesn't need to put lots of efforts to lure the girl in. I think the flowers, conversations, meeting his friends was not a game, it was sinsere until he got bored. It was very fast, I agree, but this is how these personalities are. He gave you a version of a spark is not being there. Spark will never be there for him for a long time. He will be looking for a spark his whole life and will never find it.I d like to share a similar experience, that actually opened my eyes on people like yur guy.Few years ago I went out with my friend. I m not a model type at all, though a pretty woman. I m average height, not thin, not overweight. There is nothing spectacular or eye stoping about me. The only thing that I have I think is really beatifull is my long red curly hair. I have a pretty face, but so do millions of other women. This friend that was with me is a man magnet though. We danced and suddenly I noticed this gorgeous guy is looking at me. He was so beatifull, and smelled so good, and his eyes were shining at me the whole night. After he took my phone, and he texted me the same night. I drove my friend home, and went back to meet him. I couldn't find him at the bar, and had to ask a server. She looked funny at me and said, yes, a young man told me to look for you, he is waiting. She couldn't believe I was with him. We has sex the same night, in a car for hours. He was the best lover ever. I couldn't sit the next day, I was all sore. He friended me on FB, along with 2K of other girls half my age. He met me few days later and offered to go on a trip for cople days. I said yes, not believing what was happening. In a edition to all he was 7 years younger than me.We had a wonderfull time, he kissed me when we were in public. We went out and had wine, and had amazing sex night after night, until it was time for him to go back to Europe. Then he sent me a photo of him on a cover of Vogue magazine. he texted me saying that he had the loveliest time, and I sent him texts telling him that he is the best lover I ever had. I was smitten, only realizing that I will never see him again. I don't have to tell you how heart broke I was. He stopped texting, I was watching him on a face book girl after girl, one is more gorgeous than the other. 2 years past. And one day right before I was going on my trip, I receive a message from him, so when the next time you ll be in Europe. Actually I said, next month. O, he said, I ll be your tour guide, if you deside to stop in my country. I laughed, saying of course. When I was already in Europe, I receive another text from him, so, are you coming. It was one of those moments that I desided to act on impulse, and I said, yes, I m coming. I thought I would never hear from him again, as frankly, in my heart, I thought he was just joking. We arranged to meet in my hotel. The minute I opened my hotel room door, I was all over in love, we didn't leave room for days, not even eating, only drinking wine and having sex. I was mad with happiness. I prolonged my vacation for another week, and we finally started to see sites. I met all his gorgeous friends, I had the greatest time literally of my life. He was perfect, attentive, always wanting sex and only sex. He kissed me, stopping in a middle of the street, in restaurants. He asked everybody isn't it true on how beatifull I m , embarrassing me. And then I left. I smiled for a month after this trip non stop, then I cried for a year, looking at pictures of him with more different girls on FB. I never had anyone in between, I was leaving off memories with him. Next month I m going to Europe again, and guess what, 2 weeks ago I received a message from him, if we are going to see each other again. And I said , yes, again. I will see him and I will have the greatest sex of my life again.He is my butterfly, flying from flower to flower. This is how he is, and this is how he will always be, beatifull, never committing to anyone. I m sure he has multiple of those sparks very often, and then sparks go away, the they come back. We keep seeing each other every time im in Europe, only because I m an adventure for him and a bit of mystery, an older woman from a different country that shows up for A short time and leaves. I m sure soon it will become old for him also, and we will stop seeing each other. In a mean time I will enjoy him and try not to think of that moment. I think the only difference between your guy and mine that mine knows the truth about himself, and yours is still discovering. It has nothing to do with you. Hope you enjoyed those 8 days with him, and the rest will soon become a vague memory.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): Well guys I'm the poster of this question. He was def not married as I helped him unpack his stuff to his new place when he got back. No girlfriend either as I met all his friends and the only pics of a girl in his stuff was of his ex that lives in New Mexico and I know that for a fact. He broke it off with her after two years claiming he didn't see it going to te next level. He said he felt like he needed a woman he couldn't keep his hands off (which is what he told me I was when we met) I thought it was going great. He admitted he was very picky before we met but that I was his exact type. I think now maybe because we didn't do everything exactly the same or think exactly alike, he ditched me. We seemed to have such fun and he was always holding my hand and patting my leg at stop lights on the motorcycle. I know that seems silly to mention but it is little things like that which tell someone you care. He said he just didn't feel intent enough to keep seeing me as it would be dishonest since we both want to settle and be didn't want either of us to waste our time. For the record, if I didn't feel like I already knew him due to talking non stop for two months I of course would not have slept with him in the first week. I'm not a dumb slut, I was just so convinced he was the one guy for me. He may be one of those people who thrives on infatuation and reality can certainly kill a fantasy. He may have unrealistic expectations or he may be the greates guy on earth who just didn't feel "it" for me. He sure made it seem like he did though. It just hurts and it's hard to vent to anyone when u have to admit u only hung out 7 or 8 times. A few of those overnight and broken up by ski trip and training( which he sent texts and photos from!!!) I know there is nothing wrong with me but it just feels like he was totally all about me till he hung out with me for a while which makes me feel like I was a let down in some way. When we were together, there was never the slightes sign he was feeling this way and would take me out, have me meet friends, and couldn't keep his hands off me so to speak so I just don't get it. We were around same age and both wanted to settle but obviously he doesn't want to settle with me. Maybe he needs a more crazy dramatic girl and that will never be me
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): I have a saying please keep it for future reference if he don't give you a ring he doesn't get a thing.. I know you felt the feelings and thought this was it.. But by letting emotion rule your head you have muddled the waters.. Guys who sleep with girls early in the relationships do not take these seriously .. They start to think thAt if you give it so freely no matter that you had feelings that you must do that with everyone. He has given very mixed messages, he took you to met friends etc and wined and dined you.. I would let him move on.. It's his loss if he can't see how awesome you are then poo him. Remind yourself you did make the sparks fly, whether it was being intimate to soon or his own commitment phobia then that his issues sweetie not yours.Someone real soon will snap you up and there nothing wrong in being fussy..
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (19 March 2013):
You got played by a player. He wanted sex, you gave it to him, so he had no need to stick around any longer. Pretty much sums it up.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 March 2013):
Hi
Its like buying a used car,the salesman will make you think it's the best thing since sliced bread and perfect for you but once you take delivery you find a million faults and the salesman is suddenly ice cold
He played you,you are not the first woman it has happened to,nor the last.He is probably married and you are one of many,he and his mates will probably all be doing it.
At least you haven't persued him,that's great.Just learn and move on.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (19 March 2013):
 I totally agree with the other answer. Be very, very wary of a man who behaves in this way (sending roses and making plans before you've even met) as it is fake. If he had been interested in getting to know you as a person, he would have taken it more slowly.
Similar things have happened to me and I've been left devastated. Not having sex with someone for a good couple of months at least will soon weed out the bad ones. Sorry this happened to you, but make sure that you take something from it so that your pain is not for nothing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): Well I'd like to start by saying you are a very good story teller/writer. You had me captivated from the start and you describe the romance between you two very well. It sounds like a Danielle Steele novel. Well, back to the topic, men, men, men...I wonder if his wife or girlfriend knows he has a profile on match.com? I have not one single ounce of doubt he is married or seriously involved. Why did he go to such lengths to impress you? Sex. That was it. Plain and simple. Yep, yep, he used you and he lied about it. There is nothing wrong with you. He was just looking for a extra-marital fling all along. He probably travels a lot, hasn't seen his wife or gf in a while, is influenced by a bunch of guys with raging testosterone and lots of bravado and boom. He had an affair with you as I assume he has had and will continue to have with other chicks unbeknownst to his main squeeze.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): Hi, he used you for sex. YOu should have put off sex until you got to know him better. 10 out 10 for keeping your pride and not begging and crying for him to take you back.
Just remember no sex until he has proven himself. Sleeping within a week of meeting...not on as he just fed you a load of BS to get into bed with you. Men like this thrive on woman's weakness for love, romance and attention.
You need to forget this false dream and move on.
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A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 To begin with OP this guy was never looking for something serious,it looks like he wanted to have his share of fun and he found a scape goat!!Its not you be it any other girl he would have done the same cause this man was not looking for a relationship!as per your post things were going great for the both of u,amazing I could say but then all of a sudden he backed out?why?either he thinks you were getting serious and he dint want a relationship or this was his plan from the start!I think OP he should made it clear to you what he wanted than leading you on..And I'm glad to hear you haven't made any call or texts to him,pat on the shoulder OP!he is not worth it,think of him as 'my summer romance' and let him go!!you haven't done anything wrong OP so don't blame yourself,they are plenty fishes in the sea and this time I hope its a good catch for you:) you learn from experience,so further down you'l handle it better!! For now keep urself occupied,don't think about him..good luck OP x
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