A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi has anyone been in my situation? Any advice? I have been divorced 6 years and pay maintenance to ex and for 1 child, but in past 3 years changes at work meant no raise and no bonuses for that time-I've looked for another job but nothing yet. I had to move in with my mum again and once I've paid maintenace very little left, the maintenance goes up every year.I have to borrow from my mum or girlfriend, this has been going on for some time, shortly after we met and she says she can't keep handing over money to me because she's trying to save, which I understand. I think she's going to leave me over borrowing. I tried part time work but it does't bring in much. Thanks guys.
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at work, divorce, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 February 2013):
 1. you mom and GF should NEVER foot the bill for what you owe in child maintenance that is just ridiculous! That is 100% YOUR responsibility.
So I would contact the Child Support Agency and if you are unemployed they can lower it til you DO find a job. If you HAVE a job and the payments are more then you can handle you MIGHT be able to get them lowered too. They amount shouldn't GO up unless you start making drastically more money.
How long were you married to your ex? Because I can't believe you are STILL paying HER a maintenance after 6 year for HER - UK might have different laws then the US. Anyhow if you can't afford it, you need to talk to a solicitor and see what can be done.
Also, you REALLY need to make a budget, see what costs you can cut and what you actually need.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): No court would expect maintenance payments for your wife or your child to go UP when your income has DROPPED.You cant even afford a flat its lucky you could go back to your mothers.
If you were still married you would have to make cutbacks on your expenditure together,so your wife will simply have to accept less money till your income goes up again.
See a solicitor.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Step one, go to court and see if you can get your maintenance reduced. Why is it going up every year if your salary is not?
you should not be borrowing from anyone to pay support.
IF you don't have it, you can't pay it...
the court orders take into account what your income is...
why do you pay support to the mother for the mother... only the child is entitled to your support....
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Something is wrong here. Your maintenance payments should only be increasing if your earnings increase. You can use an online calculator to work out how much you should be paying or see the citizen's advice bureau for free if you need further advice.
You should not need to borrow from people if you're paying the correct amount.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): I can understand your current GF issue, its not her responsibility to to fund you or your child. You need to seek relief from the courts especially if teh ex is financially more secure.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Hi
I do actually sympathise,but yes your main concern is paying for your child - and you are.
As you have moved back in with your Mum your outgoings have decreased, so if you try to get your payments reduced this will be taken into account.If your STILL having to borrow off your girlfriend then your living beyond your means at the moment. If she goes,she goes.Sadly thats how it is.Nobody will want to keep bailing you out.
As long as you have to pay maintenance this is how it is until you earn more and as you say things are hard just now, alot of people are facing reduced overtime and no pay rise.Jobs are few and a 2nd job is hammered for Tax even if you get one.
If as suggested,you can have your child over night more it will help reduce payments,also give you more time together. Its certainly worth trying to have BOTH payments re assessed as your income has dropped since.
I have to ask if your Ex works and contributes to her household or is she on Benefits?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 February 2013):
 Child Maintenance can be a huge pressure on the parent who is not the main carer of the child. And I am very sorry that you are facing these huge pressures.
Can you have your child stay over more often? Because the more interest you show in your child and the more nights you choose to have your child stay over each week then you can reduce the amount per week.
If the child's Mom is reluctant to allow your child to stay over more often then you could always complain officially about that and get the access agreement varied. Your child will appreciate your regular interest in their life.
Also if your income has drastically reduced then apply to ask if the agreement can be revisited.
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance
Here, above, is a way to calculate what you should be paying.
Are you perhaps paying a higher agreed amount out of the goodness of your heart?
Can you make your lunch at home and take it to work? That can save you a lot of money.
Can you cut out take-away food completely?
If you smoke cigarrettes can you think about Patches as cigarettes certainly cost big bucks.
And if you have a pint at the local pub once a week can you start budgeting to set a limit on how much you spend until you get your finances into better shape?
Because you cannot keep on spending more than you earn every week.
Your girlfriend is no doubt sick of being your private Bank.
The child maintenance will stop eventually. Work towards that time as a time when you will have more funds. And if you economise drastically now you will be in a much better financial position if you live within your means now and finally when the maintenance payment stop you will be in a much better position.
Plus have some hope in your heart. Men start to really earn well after the age of 40. If you can possibly encourage your employer to help pay for some studies that could result in you acquiring additional skills then you are likely to face some promotions in the future.
I am sure it is not easy at all. Maintenance payments are not a small expense. Do Rejoice in the fact that you are an Honourable Dad. At least you do pay Maintenance. Be Proud of yourself that you care, and are not a Dead beat Dad.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): You shouldn't be worrying about girlfriends, you should be making sure the child and mother are supported, that is your priority. Girlfriends come and go, your child is forever. You should be concentrating on making sure you are well able to support your child, to the best of your ability, instead of worrying about girlfriends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): Ok I was on the receiving end of this being the ex wife with the kids. What you need to do is call the CSA if yo pay via them or your solicitor if it was a consent order and explain that you are unemployed. The amount you have to pay will drop dramatically. Don't borrow any more money from your girlfriend as no woman is going to want to be paying for an ex wife and kids and she will resent this. If you are doing the best you can then there is no reason for your girlfriend to leave you but don't ask her for money especially for this as that is such a dodgy area to be expected to directly or indirectly contribute to.
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