A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I guess this is a slightly multi-layered problem.Firstly I am single as of close to year ago. I mention this as I feel it potentially explains certain things as of yet mentioned.It was a strange breakup that never really had closure. We were together for 6 years but she is from a different country and when the visa expiry issue came up I candidly brought up the marriage option and she said she wasn't ready for it. Fair enough, no hard feelings, i'm glad she was honest!So we then discussed that she would return home and we would see how things go. We'd stay in touch and get a feel for what may come our way.I clearly hung on longer than she did. Very quickly she was telling me that she didn't want to skype as she was working in the week and didn't want to take time out of her weekends as it was her free time. I was asking to skype maybe twice a month which i deemed to not be often at all and she said that me asking was stressing her out.... And yet after that she sends me messages saying 'love you xxx' etc.So I stopped asking.It was a bit of a confusing slap in the face. So we have gone on close to a year now messaging mostly once a day without any verbal or visual contact.I had mostly told myself to move on (even if I hadn't accepted it) but thought I needed closure. I text her to ask if she had moved on and she replied saying "what? moved on from you?!". When I replied yes she ignored the matter.I then had a call out of the blue weeks later saying something along the lines of "I don't know why I haven't been calling you more often at this time, it's a convenient point in my week". I said I thought she just didn't want to talk to me and she said "Why would you think that?!"So....i'm still in limbo but am excepting that I need to move on regardless of how much I am holding on...I know she has moved on and is either avoiding telling me as such or to be honest (in her own words) she is quite cold and I very sadly have to admit that it is likely a case of out of sight out of mind.I have tried to get her on the phone now for close to 8 months to talk it through but no luck. The last thing I ever wanted to do after 6 years was end it over text!!! I'm wondering if she moved on a long time ago and I have just been very slow to get the point. So I am trying to move on now...------Second point.... To move on.... after prompting from friends I have started to look on dating sites again...and it's giving me mixed feelings...I am getting excited at the prospect of talking to other girls and meeting them. I am a one lady kind of guy and am uncomfortable even talking to multiple ladies as I'd prefer to focus on one, see if it works, rinse repeat etc rather than have multiple women 'on the go' so it is not my ideal way to meet someone but I guess many people can say that. Not that I have much in the way of options anyway :D But every time I send a message I get this horrible feeling of guilt. I have met up with one girl for a drink which was nice enough but that was it. The point is though, I got a yes to the date and I remember physically going from a feeling of happiness and smiling, to an overwhelming sense of sadness and my mind going over the last 6 years!I may well be missing something obvious here but I am feeling stuck in an emotional rut. The answers may be obvious but I just can't get my head round it. How do I move on and how do I get myself ready to date again?Thanks all!
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 October 2018):
 Just keep moving forward, OP.
Don't look back, unless it is to NOT repeat the same mistakes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, thank you very much for the replies. They were all quite hard to read as I know that they all ring true. I can't say I am closer to getting over her but the truth of it all is sinking in slowly. I have taken a step back and am reevaluating my life rather than my relationship situation. I have realised I have not far off wasted a year and I need to make some big changes, starting with small steps.
Thanks all again for your advice!
Kind regards!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 October 2018):
 Personally I don't understand what people mean when they say closure. I don't believe there is anything a person who has dumped his/her partner can say to make things better. And somewhere down the line you knew that things weren't exactly going to work out because you've said no hard feelings. The fact that you've taken it so well means that you did have an idea that it wasn't exactly going great.
She's made it clear that she's not interested. Yes I know it sucks but you have to move on. There's nothing that you can do other than get over it.
Don't force yourself to go on dates. It'll happen when it has to. There will be a time when you can smile without that feeling of guilt and sadness. Till then, busy yourself doing things that you love, with people that you love.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (4 October 2018):
 You can't start to heal and move on without the pain of letting go of what you think you have. Little surprise you feel guilty when dating someone else when, in your heart and mind, you are still in a relationship with what is effectively your EX girlfriend.
Sweetheart, listen to someone who has been around the block quite a few times and had a number of long term relationships: if this lady was not ready for marriage after 6 years, she will NEVER be ready. She probably always intended to return to her own country at some point. You were merely someone to cuddle up with while she was away from home.
You need to end this pain once and for all, give yourself time and space to heal and get over it, and only then start to look for someone else with whom to share your life. This lady is keeping you dangling on the back burner as a "plan B" in case whatever she is up to back home doesn't work out for her. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 October 2018):
Try not to "force" yourself to dating. Spend time with your friends, do go on little dates here and there but TRY to not see them as "marriage or long term dating prospects".
And lastly, I would say my goodbyes to your ex. Wish her well and then CUT OFF all contact. BLOCK, DELETE, REMOVE her cumber and contact info and BLOCK her from any and all social media.
You have spend the last 8 months beating a dead horse. THAT should be your closure. The fact that she CAN'T be bothered to find time for a phone call or Skype call should make it QUITE clear to you that it's over and SHE is DONE, she just haven't come out and told you... because 1. she doesn't want to be the "bad guy and dump you" and 2. she like the attention she gets from you 3. she can't be bothered to give a flying fart about your feelings.
Give yourself a break. Get to know new people but relax on trying to meet a new GF.
It doesn't sound like you are totally over your ex, which means you aren't REALLY ready to date someone new. Which is why I suggest you stick to getting to know people, socialize and have some casual dates here and there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): I am sorry but after six years of being together but I have to wonder did you actually see each other physically and have a proper relationship?
If you were both supposedly in love and committed for all those years and she turned down marriage to go home at that point I think you had your answer, she was willing to let it go. I think it is time you moved on from her, honestly in my opinion she either wants to remain friends with you and I hazard a guess that is the reason or she is keeping you there in case she wants to come back to you if she doesn't get any better.
I think your loyalty to this woman has expired and you need to draw a line under her and let her go. The fact that you are willing to date and despite trepidation in doing so you are excited at the prospect, let her go and move forward.
I don't know if you will get luck from online dating as in finding the one but you will gain experience in doing so as you come across as shy, you of course don't have to date several at a time or even do anything sexual if you don't want to. But I can't reiterate enough you need to let this woman go and get on with your life, you know deep down it is over, her actions speak louder than her words, she is moving on and now you need to.
Best of luck and NO GUILT you have done nothing wrong, she has not been honest with you x
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