A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am talking to someone on a dating site that seemed very keen and has gotten me excited about prospects but I am quite intimidated by her to the point that I think I am putting her off...She is quite far away but we hit it off chatting away to each other to the point where she was asking if i'd move up her way (in vague jest of course but I felt the hint was there).We then have been chatting every day, sending long messages to other followed by us chatting for a couple of hours on social media to get to know each other.She is a stunning girl to the point where I realise she clearly isn't going to have trouble getting anyone!As we have spoken to each other she has admitted that she is into 'bad boys' and the lists of things she put up included, hot body, confident, cocky, great in bed, but usually an 'unpleasant person'. This is where i paused to reply....She then followed it with, but I doubt very much you are a bad boy though, which whilst was funny made me question what she wants. She said it was a good thing i'm not a bad boy.Conversation at times drifted towards dirty talk and I think my lack of 'bad boy' really shined through! I was incredibly awkward and kept making jokes rather than it leading to what her initial aim would have been. I make no apologies for this as it's simply not my thing! I'm quite a romantic, emotional guy that loves the idea of taking it slowly and falling in love with someone rather than jumping straight in and seeing where it goes. (not that there's anything wrong with it if it's your bag!)So....are we simply incompatible? I know she is talking to lots of other people. Probably getting plenty of dirty talk from 'bad boys' :) But I'm really enjoying our chats and I can't get her out of my head. She is incredibly attractive which is obviously something that is keeping me interested too.Do I admit to myself that we are different people and not compatible or do I go the 3 hour journey to meet her and see how it goes? Her persona seems really fun and pleasant but I am intimidated by the stories of her previous rebellious social life and her friends of a similar nature. Would I just be constantly thinking I wasn't enough for her as a good boy and that she'd be wanting something a bit more carnal from some smokey eyed, 6-packed Adonis? :) Or should I put that to the back of mind and make the trip. I have noticed myself thinking about her all the time which I know is a dangerous thing so early on! I don't want to let myself in for a fall but at the same time don't want to miss an opportunity which almost seems too good to be true!I am not very experienced in relationships which is probably very apparent from me needing to ask for advice :) but all comments are gratefully received! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your comments. I have just let things take their course as it stands. We still talk, but less, and she actually comes across as being quite trusting with what she tells me as if we are becoming friends. I probably have ruined any chances of things becoming more but hey, that's what we 'nice guys' do right :)
I am no longer thinking of her as incessantly as I did so am just enjoying our chats.
If we get to meet then that's great but otherwise I'm quite happy just being a friendly ear. My friend's told me I am stupid for not having gone up there straight away but I am cautious by nature and it is not in me to just go meet a girl on the pretence of a physical encounter.
So I will just continue to let things go as they are for now!
Thanks again everyone
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2018): My gut feeling is no let her go. I get some of the advice that she may be insecure and looking for a nice guy really but I know someone who goes for bad boys and there is no way she would settle for a nice man and she is nearly forty and knows for sure a nice man would bore her.She may be stunning but looks are not everything and she is telling you upfront what kind of a man she goes for. She may like it that you are nice and likes the concept of meeting you and it all being sweet but trust me if she goes for a certain type then she does and she will not be satisfied with you being just as you are, she will want to bring that side of you out.If you want to meet her then that is your choice, but she is forward and will want to have sex no doubt and you will become further embroiled. She isn't even talking to just you exclusively, sorry but if someone likes you then in my eyes they are into you alone not a host of other men or women. You like the idea of the excitement of her but honestly do you really think she is girlfriend material? I think you know the answer to your own question really
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2018): You sound like a really nice guy. Im curious whether you've met this woman in person before? I know a lot of the previous answers are quite sceptical, but honestly i believe you may regret it if you dont't give things a chance. You just need to be careful - don't fall too easily, and dont let her wrap you round her little finger (not that she would, she might be a really good person - but just be cautious). If you do decide to meet her please just look out for yourself (you see stories where people have been conned out of lots of money, etc. So just be careful and look after yourself, and sorry to say this but if it comes to it, use protection).
I consider myself an attractive girl with male attention, but i've definitely fell for the more 'shy/innocent' type before, just because i really liked their personality. He wasnt my usual type at all but i really liked him. So it CAN happen!!
Try not to get attached, maybe give it a shot but just be careful.i think while youre at it you should chat to other girls (online if you prefer) just to date around, there are lots of nice girls out there! Hope it all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2018): As a mature woman, I recognise some of this - but only a very 'minor' version of it, I have to say. One very strong possibility is that this woman has been treated badly by men because she is stereotypically "stunning" and has been left confused, quite literally, about how to relate to any man at all that doesn't treat her badly. She's been objectified, used for sex, has learned to lead with her looks, but - I think, and reading between the lines - she inwardly hopes to find someone who will respect her for more than that, help her to develop her personality, and provide stability and love.
She's interested in you because she's sensed you could be the 'nice guy' she needs. However, she has absolutely no clue about how to relate to you at this point, so her talk to you is a mixture of Diva-like "bravado" - she's flirting and giving you the "come on" because that's all she knows how to do at this point, but she's also sending subtle messages that she wants something different, and deeper, than what she's been getting. She's saying she senses you're not a bad boy, and asking if you'd consider moving nearer - it's not so much that she's testing you (although there is a bit of that involved) more that she is like a child, in some way's - absolutely clueless about where to start in terms of a real, equal relationship with a man that can be a loyal friend, lover and respect her for more than just sex and looks. She doesn't know where to begin.
If you have the patience, I'd suggest just keep being your steady self and keep being nice to her. I don't think she is so much 'getting off' on the thought of corrupting you, but inwardly praying that you will see through all her bravado and realise she's really scared, inwardly, of being vulnerable with a man who will treat her like an equal human being. EVERY woman secretly wants that good guy who is going to treat her well and really love her - she's testing that possibility, not you as such. And, in return - well, she may be more sexually experienced than you, but experience is nothing compared to really loving someone - porn type sex may provide a "hit" of sorts, but awkward, fumbling sex with someone you have shared different layers of experiences with, and learned to trust, is totally different and incomparable - it can't be learned in bed, it has to be learned through everything that you do outside of bed.
If you want to go for her, I'd suggest refusing to get sexual with her until you've really got to know each other. Show her you respect her and yourself and that you are not like those other guys. Providing you do lots of interesting things beyond the bedroom it should work.
If, on the other hand, she needs to play out this 'bad girl' role for a while longer, then there's nothing you can do - a few months of seeing her should give you an idea of whether she is ready for something deeper or just wants to continue to play around for now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 October 2018):
 I see quite a few red flags.
1. you feel like it's "almost too good to be true, which means... it probably is.
2. she is "selling" herself in a very forward manner and you don't seem to be entirely comfortable with that.
3. she talks a lot of alllllll the "bad boys" he has dated and WHY she dated them... basically she sucked up the "not so great personalities" for hot bodies and great sex, so she sounds rather immature and superficial.
4. YOU don't feel you are compatible from the LITTLE you know her.
5. She lives 3 hours away. Which means IF you two hit it off... how will that work out? Are you really looking to get into some kind of LDR? (Long distance Relationship).
I get that she is tempting. She is attractive and sexually "aggressive" or perhaps the term forward is better than aggressive...
I'd say this, if you really DO want to met her... Suggest you two met up hallways. that way you both have to put your "money" where your mouth is and BOTH put in effort to actually meet up. Make a day out of it and then GO your separate ways after. While is is talking a LOT of sexy stuff... maybe that is just her MO to get men interested. She offers what she THINKS they want. Sex on a plate. Maybe... because she really doesn't have much else to offer?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): [EDIT]:
"She's testing to see how desperate you are, and how far she can abuse you."
Post script:
The dirty-talk is to get you heated-up; so you'll travel a three-hour trip. I recommend you disconnect, delete, and block this one! You'll be in over your head!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): She sounds incompatible, and hinting to you that she's a psycho. Sarcasm and cockiness, can be crass and annoying. She testing to see how desperate you are, and how far she can abuse you. She's stuck on herself and looking for worshipers and fans. I say, let it pass!
Distance should be a good deterrent! My friend, you're heading for train-wreck! No, it neither warrants nor justifies a 3-hour journey to see someone you already know to be incompatible!!! You're not her type anyway!
She gave you fair warning; but you may be letting your penis decide. This is where we men get ourselves into a heap of trouble. Following the dick, and not paying attention to red-flags. You shouldn't have to put on an act or perform for anybody; and when you start doing that, you begin to lose your confidence and self-respect.
Don't act out of character for anybody. It's phony!!!
You're not a bad-boy, and women who like them are usually not very bright, or mean and nasty themselves. If she's encouraging a lot of dirty-talk, doesn't even know you, and hasn't even met you. She sounds like she's recruiting "clients."
I think she's a sex-professional; and she gets her clients off the internet.
Don't be a sucker! You better avoid a lady who tells you she likes bad-boys! Good women don't characterize themselves in that way. If you're going to listen to your dick; you'll be writing DC asking for advice on how to get yourself out of pickle. You'll probably also have to make a visit to the clinic!
Run for the hills! Use your brain! You're not very experienced in relationships; and she doesn't fit the description of a woman just looking for romance. I'm not sure where the word "relationship" applies in this situation. Frankly, I don't think she's that type of girl!
BTW, don't conduct relationships over text-messaging and social media. You get addicted to it, and you'll never really know the person on the other end. You'll fantasize and form unrealistic imaginary portrayals or a "character." She seems like the type who might encourage that. It's not safe, nor healthy.
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