A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I do not know exactly what I am asking here, but let me just begin. I have been in a marriage to an addict ( alcohol/prescription meds) for almost 15 yrs.. I really don't even consider it a marriage since I am more of a mother or a nurse to him. Before you judge me and ask why not divorce, I do have 2 small children and financially because of my husband's addictions and the consequences we are in tremendous debt. Pus he has no other living relatives so I feel like I can't leave him. I think I feel sorry for him more than I love him. I am working 3 jobs and still barely scraping by. I never know when the floor is going to drop again so I am constantly on edge watching and hoping he is sober (he has been attending AA 3X a week-- but still I caught him just last week lying about drinking). I constantly stress about money and the fact that I have to go to another job at night a few times a week and I am so uncomfortable leaving him with the kids because I can't trust that he will remain sober. I think because of my vulnerable state of being, I had an affair with a another man who is single and I thought we were good friends. I didn't feel guilty at first, but now I feel so used. I thought he was my friend first and foremost, but lately he is trying to avoid me-- or not really being responsive. Ever since we had sex (3X) he has been more distant each time. It has been 3 weeks and he has made no plans to see me and his texts are never related to "us" only about him. I guess I just feel so used and stupid now, but I do want to see him again probably only because my husband constantly betrays me with his decisions. How do I get over this other person, and do I try to make it work with my husband even though I am so miserable? I hate feeling used by both.
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female
reader, silly sue  +, writes (17 August 2009):
I think you have a lot of unresolved issues and you were trying to get a new perspective through getting involve with someone else. Sometimes having someone who apperciates you sexually can help. But I think in this case you proabably have overwhelmed your lover with your own emotional load, that is why he grew distant to you. He probably didn't intend to use you, only became more distant as a result of emotional presure put on him from your side.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (15 August 2009):
 Life is hard. It throws us many obstacles, some of which are easy to overcome and others (dealing with addiction) can be much more difficult. As far as having an affair. That's how you chose to cope with the situation. At the time it may have been coping, but now it seems as if having an affair adds to the issues that you're already facing.
You're conflicted here. What do you want to do? "I do want to see him again probably only because my husband constantly betrays me with his decisions." (which is the choice to keep having the affair.) or "How do I get over this other person, and do I try to make it work with my husband even though I am so miserable?" (repairing your marriage)
The reason I ask is that if you choose to make it work and repair your marriage, 100% commitment will need to be present. You WILL NOT be able to repair your marriage if you're still having or considering another affair. Cause, now you have "how to make it work" and "how to get over the other guy." Instead of having the single issue of your marriage. And from that end, I strongly recommend telling your husband about the affair. You're upset because he didn't tell the truth about the drinking. But, now you too aren't being truthful with him. So, if you choose to work things out, the first thing that has to happen is both of you being on honest, fresh start ground.
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