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BazingaToZulus
writes:First of all, I want to start off by saying that I have nothing against men and women who engage in their fantasies whether it's open marriages, candaulism, hotwifing, polyamory or swinging, it's all fine by me as long as it is a shared fantasy, a fantasy that is brought on and nurtured by the respective partners towards a shared goal, which is the enrichment and enhancement of their relationship on a deeper level. I have friends who are swingers, they are well grounded in their union and it's a lifestyle that's shared by both with mutual love and respect applied to one of the main principle and that's their marriage / relationship is the most important thing in all of this. In this post I use as an example the woman as the initiator but it applies to both men and women and once again I'm not putting down any one person or group for the lifestyle they have chosen. Now that being said I want to get right to the object of this post and that's the ethical treatment and respect of others, and when I say "ethical", I mean it as a social acceptable norm in general. I have seen many men and women struggling in their marriage or relationship when confronted by their significant others with the dreaded statement “I want an open marriage” or some other thing like the ones I have mentioned previously. I see lots of people who are not at all into that kind of thing and they're like “I love her so much, I want her to be happy but the thought of someone else being intimate with my wife is too much for me to endure” and yet, they still try it (in some cases more than once and for an extensive amount of time without any changes in the way they feel about it). I see also many people saying that their wives tell them things like “well I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with me all these years but now I know I'm poly” or when their SO falls in love with someone else like a coworker they'll say something like (it just happened). Alright, now for the people who are struggling with trying to make sense of the situation or what they've been told, let me share my views on a few points starting with the last one :1 – When people fall in love, it doesn't just happen...wake up!!! I've met a lot of women at work and different places like the gym...etc and yes they were really great, charming, beautiful so on and so forth. Some were very friendly going in heavy with the compliments and the touching and that's fine and quite an amazing feeling actually. But if I felt that it could be a little too much for me to stay on the safe side, all I had to do is take a step back and keep an emotional and physical distance, not ignoring them, but I made sure to keep it simply friendly. Now if people let themselves sucked into that hole then it's their fault, not most of the time, always 100% their fault and I have been on both sides of the fence so I know what I'm talking about. It doesn't just happen, that statement is the most idiotic thing I've ever heard people say because it's pure bull. 2 – There's nothing wrong if your partner wants to share his or her fantasy with you but you have to use good common sense here. If (as an example) your wife brings it up (one of those fantasies or others), sharing with you her views about the positive aspect of such an idea, wanting to get some feedback on it in a casual yet curious manner in the prospect of having an enthusiastic and supportive exchange of perspectives on the relationship, then that's one thing. After if you let them know why it's not something that you feel would be a wise move in your situation or that you're not comfortable with the whole concept or for whatever reasons you may have and she's like :A) Pushing you to see it her way regardless of your objections and feelings on the matter. B) Brings it up once in a while on a more insistent tone. C) Getting angry and maybe withholding, sex and or affection...etc. D) All of the above. Then it's not ok, I mean it's pretty freaking far from being acceptable. You see, it's not a fantasy anymore, it's wanting you to approve them engaging in adultery without consequences while keeping you on the back burner for security and emotional, physical and financial stability. Now I know people fall out of love for many different reasons and it's a fact of life, but it's the taking of emotional hostages for their own benefit not really caring about who they hurt in the process that really gets me. People have to break free from that and find their own voices. I speak from experience, trust me, things were not hunky–dory with me and I had choices to make. Now I'm not telling you what happened in my case because it's irrelevant in this as I would do the exact same thing I did if I had to do it all over again. I know it's hard but listen to what I'm about to tell you. She wants a boyfriend on the side and she's trying to sell or force the idea on you even though she knows it's killing you?, well stop that “but I want her to be happy” and for the love of God stop crying and pleading. Would you want to stay with someone who's that needy and weak, I wouldn't and I'm not saying this to be insulting, it's simply a fact. She wants to go, well then let her go and if you can take it, help her pack with a smile. You love her, right, well think about this for a second, does she love you? Would you do it to her?. At this point you become a prop, a safety net because when you love someone you don't put them or force them in a hurtful situation, you forget the idea and go on to other project with you partner. A project that both are comfortable and excited with. 3 – “My wife or husband came out as being poly, she just realized it this past year”. Like it's something that's innate to some people in general. Well it's not, nor is being monogamous by the way. You see in different parts of the world relationships are viewed differently according to religion, education, the morals and customs of the time period applied to different ethnic groups and other factors as well. When people tell you that they have always been like that, it's total BS in my opinion, and most of the time, they've met someone who was in that lifestyle who approached them and then they researched a bit on the subject to build their case then they bring it to the court of “Your Relationship” and plead their case for your permission. And make no mistake they don't care if you approve of it or understand it, no, no, no, they just want you to say yes even if you say it out of fear of losing them, and they tell you that they love you, I'm sorry that's not love, well for themselves yep, but for you, no I'm sorry. They don't care if you're unhappy and, in many many cases they already had someone in mind to start with and that not polyamory...that's cheating. It's not something that you two shared as a couple but it's overstepping the boundaries with feelings and actions that were conveyed or done to another man or woman without your knowledge. At one time my girlfriend of 4 years (we had just gotten engaged at that time) tried to steer me in that direction. After I explained calmly that I wasn't swinging on that tree, that I was uncomfortable and a bit hurt but about all of this, she kept on pushing it. After getting nowhere I didn't give her an ultimatum, I made it clear as vodka that not only I wasn't going to stand for her insisting ways but that if she wanted to proceed against my full acceptance there will be no appeal, no “I made a mistake and I really love you, can we go back to the way it was”, nothing, if you want to go then I can't stop you but once your gone you stay gone because if you accept her back within that type of dynamic, you will always be labeled as a doormat in her mind. You have to know when to hold on and when to let go, you have to love yourselves and be smart, stop asking people “we haven't had sex in almost a month and she's always texting him and talking on the phone every night, but she tells me they're just friends. Should I be worried ?” because you know the answer... If it quack's like a duck, walks like a duck and looks like a duck....then it's a freaking duck man!!! So this is what I had to say because it's sad to see so many people in pain because of low self worth and the selfish actions of others, you can't hold on to someone who wants to go and you can't revive what's clearly dead. By trying to accept what's being imposed on you, you are only delaying the inevitable, prolonging your agony and losing your dignity and integrity little by little in the process. In the end will it be worth it?, I think not, your relationship will eventually spiral down the garbage bin, you'll be 3 times as miserable as you were in the beginning, you'll be extra depressed because of all the hopes you had for a favorable resolution is in the toilet and will have a lower or no self-esteem for that same reason. So stand on you own two feet and put your foot down when you feel it's necessary. Be fair to your partner, be fair to yourself and promote a new confidence (without being a jerk about it of course) and everyone will be better off in the long run. I hope that by reading this you can get a different perspective and that it can help someone in some way, good luck to you all.
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at work, co-worker, confidence, depressed, engaged, period, swinging, text Reply to this Article
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male
reader, BazingaToZulus +, writes (3 August 2015):
BazingaToZulus is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi there, great! I wasn't sure if I did it correctly. Thanks for the compliment and have a great day.
Take care
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (2 August 2015):
 Hi
You responded in exactly the right way. It's called a Follow-up and Aunts and Uncles on DearCupid love a follow up.
Thank you for following up your article - It helps give feedback to everyone who responded to the Original Post - in this case Your Original post.
And to others who read your article.
And your article is an excellent article to add to the virtual library of great articles on the DearCupid site.
Regards
Abella
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reader, BazingaToZulus +, writes (2 August 2015):
BazingaToZulus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNote to everyone, I'm the one who wrote it the article and I wanted to answer the member Abella to the answer she wrote. I guess I didn't post it correctly so it looks a bit stupid but no, I'm not answering myself.
Cheers everyone!!!
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 August 2015):
 Married people who want a polyarmous relationship are not living in the real world, but they are looking for an escape. Never do they ask themselves, is my spouse happy, did I spend enough time with my children? If they are realistic about it they would know there ain't time for all that. Most of them want this not because they have an overflowing of love they feel compelled to share, but because they have a constant need for approval and attention that one constant partner cannot give. If they love so much then the spouses and children won't feel deprived. People who think monogamous relationships are boring should not be in them then try to convert them to be "poly." They should look for similar people but no, they want the security, the back up and also the excitement and fun.
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reader, BazingaToZulus +, writes (1 August 2015):
BazingaToZulus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there, thank you for your response. I totally agree with you and celebrate the way you see things on this particular matter. What you have mentioned had me thinking about the correlation between fear and our relations to our significant others, or anyone else in one's life. I never thought about it before but you are absolutely right and I'm glad you brought it up. Like people who abuse others (like a husband to his wife or any man to any woman) this action is born out of resentment and contempt for the other (brought on by either jealousy or feeling like a failure or simply not letting go when people are clearly not on the same page) and is directed towards someone, who the aggressor knows, he or she can control (physically, emotionally and sometimes mentally). Once I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about women who live in an abusive home saying for a long period of time, and she couldn't understand why they were staying and not leaving. As I tried to explain it's like in a cult mentality, they break your spirit before they break you, and when that's gone (spirit), that person has lost the ability or will to fight and what little self worth he or she may have had and most importantly the inner tools we all have to assess a situation for what it is, unfortunately ending in tragedy way too often. As for relationships in general I don't judge or at least try not to, the people involved for what they believe in or how It should be or the way they want to run their show, but sometimes I listen and I just know that it might be a losing battle for them. As you very well know, a relationship in itself is a living thing and as such is subject to changes as the years go by, and it is always a “work in progress” but it is so worth it when you have the right attitude and tools. I have read your article “Self Confidence - an easy step by step guide to help you develop self confidence” last night. I respect and agree on you perspective about this, you seem very well grounded and I love the way you see things. Fear has always been the predominant factor that impedes personal growth in every way shape or form whether it's in relationships, studies, work related or what ever. I've never been in a polyamorous relationship either because it's just not who I am, I've been asked but I refused. I've had an exchange once with a very misguided and somewhat colorful fellow about just that. Being told I'm this and that by a man who just joined an ongoing stimulating conversation I was having on polyamory and other lifestyles of that type with three other persons, using this statement as an opener “well you're probably not secure enough as a man” I simply told him “no...I just don't feel it, don't like it and generally don't believe in it”. As I saw his reaction and I noticed he was a bit upset (I have no idea as to why he was) I had to ask “But did you know that on a psychological standpoint some of the husbands or partners (not all but some) who want or would like to see their wives engaging in sexual activities with other men (candaulism or hotwifng) one of the reasons is they do it out of fear, fear of being cheated on, and so they initiate it to be able to control it and they're oblivious to the fact that they do not control anything at all”. Needless to say we didn't get an answer and sadly he left the group as quickly as he appeared but the actions alone speak for themselves do they not? Being confrontational, telling everyone who do not agree with your views that they have sexual hangups, that you are repressed or any other thing of that nature without any provocations (sometimes on a rude tone) and the whole attitude alone is said and done out of fear. In time I would like to read your previous articles and I hope to read you again in the future and share your thoughts so keep them coming when you feel like it. To you and your family, have a great evening and weekend and thank you for the kind words. Michel
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reader, Abella +, writes (31 July 2015):
I applaud your reasoning in your article. I like your way of thinking. So I will add in my thoughts on these issues that you so expertly explained.
Your partner should be your best friend, who you trust. There should be kindness and respect always, and your partner is a person who you can tell and share who you are with them and discuss anything. While expecting honesty in return, yet not be judged too harshly.
Just as I tell my children: tell me the honest truth and I will give you my support to deal with it. Lie to me and you have committed a greater wrong then whatever it is that you wanted to tell me, but were hesitant to say, because you knew it was wrong in the first place.
I would not tolerate domestic violence in any form. Though I think I am astute enough to recognize the signs very fast, based on my parents terrible relationship and also my studies into domestic violence such that such a person would never have had any chance with me.
When a relationship works it feels wonderful and when it doesn't it is the pits.
My theory is that people in a happy fulfilling relationship tend to be happier and look more peaceful and feel more loving towards the world.
People in an unhappy relationship are not hiding it from the world, even if they try to keep their pain to themselves. Sooner or later it shows on their faces and in their responses
A relationship that is not working (imho) tends to age a person in not good ways. Staying in a failed relationship (imho) can cause a bitterness that I think hurts the person holding on to bitter grief. It is OK to accept that it failed and let it go. Some relationships are not meant to be.
Sometimes a good relationship softens a few negative personal traits that are no longer required for the person to hide behind.
Whereas hiding behind coldness, bitterness and excess cynicism seems such a waste of time to me.
For those who do not yet have a happy relationship I encourage them to get out into the world and pursue the interests and support the things that are important to their self esteem. And be caring and loving to themselves. Being positive and loving towards yourself tends to attract the same to you.
For those who are still in a relationship that is like "sleeping with the enemy" then examine what causes you to stay in an unsatisfactory relationship. Because there has to be better than that in this big world.
Your article really resonated with me.
Fortunately I have never had to suffer a partner who wanted a poly relationship but I know I would walk if ever that was suggested.
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