A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know it is wrong to have expectations of one's spouse. I am a big believer in the philosophy that our expectations determine our own happiness. I am trying to work on myself when it comes to this concept and even my therapist agrees with me that it's best to not have any expectations in life in order to maintain contentment. I have been getting better at this in general but when it comes to my birthday, because of my spouse's behavior, I am having trouble. It seems like when my birthday is near, he seems to increase his spending a lot. He increases his bets at the track and he starts spending a ton of money on himself. Then when my birthday is just days away he will say "I can't afford to get you much of anything for your birthday....maybe just a card or a stupid stuffed animal or something." This has happened enough for me to be able to predict it and when it happens I don't say anything mostly because I am trying to not revert back to my old ways of having expectations of others. As my counselor repeatedly reminds me: My well being is my responsibility alone...no one else's...expecting others to ensure my own happiness is dysfunctional. I also don't say much when my husband does this stuff because I can't help but wonder if he's trying to bait me into a fight or get a reaction out of me. I know that the last thing I am supposed to do is take the bait or react. I also don't have a clue what to say if I were to say something. I guess I am writing this so that I can hear others' thoughts on this and any advice or insights would be greatly appreciated because I can't seem to not let this bother me.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sweetheartxo  +, writes (18 March 2013):
Theres nothing wrong with having expectations! I see where you're coming from, gifts can often symbolise how much you think of a person. I would confront him about this, not in a 'you never buy me good stuff!' type of way more like a 'i really don't understand why you over spend right before my birthday, leaving me a not so well thought out present, i find it hurtful and inconsiderate' type of way. If he has enough money to support both of you i really dont understand his behavior, if he doesnt have very much money i could understand.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 March 2013):
It sounds like you have a problem. I dont care how little money you make, at age 30-35, no one should be "broke." It sounds like you are with a spender. Nothing spells doom like marrying a spender, esp if you are a saver.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 March 2013):
 Yeah, let's cut the therapy speak for a second and talk plainly! There *is* no HIS money. Legally, everything, right down to his and your 401(k) is community property.
So, are you talking about a mutual spending allowance, or are you thinking that all of the money he makes is his? If you think the latter, then your husband is controlling, and you're a good little trained wife. If it's the former, and it's a mutual spending allowance apart from the maintenence of the house, then this isn't about gifts.
This is about two things:
1. Your value in his eyes
and
2. His possible gambling addiction.
I agree that I'd be upset if he referred to a birthday present as "stupid little" anything, as if you deserve the crumbs of his esteem. Personally, I'm not keen on making my husband get me anything. I hate Valentine's day, and I'm content with his bringing home take-out or going out on a date on my birthday. On our anniversary, we both go have a blast overnight at a nice hotel/casino here, and the next morning, we get total spa treatment. Greatest time ever.
The issue is how he esteems you, and I agree that there has been a breakdown in the marriage. You are good at getting help for yourself, maybe it's time to get help as a couple and get rid of the marriage rust and corrosion before getting fixated on birthday presents, because that's merely a symptom of a systemic breakdown.
As for the spending money at the track, if he's compromising your house's finances by gambling away your money, then do something about it. Otherwise, if this is his hobby, it's in the budget, and it's how he chooses to spend his household personal allowance, I have an idea! Go to the track with him sometime and make an awesome date of it!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): I think you are taking your therapist's advice a bit too literally. You aren't as concerned about the gift as much as the lack of "sentiment" behind it. You have a right to expect your husband to be caring,loving, and generous. When he knows your birthday is coming, you claim he spends more on himself. Then you claim he gives you something cheap and thoughtless. You say nothing to avoid conflict. So is it better to pout and feel slighted?Knowing only one small aspect of a larger problem doesn't give enough information to offer reasonable or effective advice. You don't give any details on how your husband generally treats you. Just this one particular matter.Then why don't YOU plan something a few weeks before your birthday? Maybe he just doesn't really know (or care) exactly what it is you might want. You can ask him to take you shopping, spend a restful weekend at a romantic inn, go to a spa, or pick something out that you like; AND LET HIM PAY FOR IT. TELL HIM what you'd like for your next birthday or anniversary. If he hasn't the slightest clue, than throw him a few hints! Then you will understand what your therapist is trying to tell you. Don't set the expectation and then set yourself up for disappointment. Now do you get it? Don't expect people to read your mind, or KNOW the things that bother or please you. You're living inside your head, always thinking and daydreaming about what it is that would make you happy. How often do you actually express to your husband what you want and need? Who says an argument will ensue just for asking your own husband to be considerate and kind to you? If he doesn't listen, then get the point across as best you can. You're tired of him being broke when it comes time to do something nice for you. Just blurt it out! You'll feel great, even if nothing changes as a result of it. You've planted the seed.You don't sit around stewing while he's throwing away money. It's also your money too! You should speak up and let him know what's on your mind about it. Are you concerned about the money; or are you just upset about how much he spends to please himself? Don't get me wrong, he has a right to enjoy his earnings! But not to exclude you! Ask him to take you out to dinner, a show, or buy you a new dress. Are you married or do you just live in the same house? Address each and every detail of your unhappiness in your marriage, not just one solitary petty matter of a cheap gift on your birthday. You and your therapist both know the problem is bigger and deeper than that.Get out there and do what YOU LIKE to do, and have fun on your birthday. Share it with friends and close family. If you weren't so busy being disappointed with your husband and actually doing something about it; your self-initiative and confidence would be rewarding in itself.You lack independence. Don't blame anyone else for that. Thus you won't set expectations; while holding others responsible for your happiness and well-being. That is your personal responsibility.It's okay to be disappointed with a crummy gift. It's also okay to let your husband know he's been selfish, and that you feel that he really put no though behind the gift. That you'd prefer no gift at all to one that was done without caring. That's better than pretending to like it, and hating his guts. You probably pout and give him the silent treatment; while he wonders what's wrong with you.A few weeks before an anniversary or your birthday. Sit down with your husband and start planning ahead. Set up a budget and a little stash of cash for your selfish pleasures, and let him set aside some for himself. What's the point in getting therapy, when you're living in a private hell with an inconsiderate selfish husband, who throws away money on gambling and whatever he wants? You "expect" things to fix themselves while you vent your problems to your therapist.He probably thinks your expensive therapy covers a great deal of your share of the budget. So he splurges without a second thought. He's part of the reason you're going to therapy, and you're not even accepting the benefit of the advice you're receiving. Therapist try to help us to open up,free ourselves of our inner demons, take hold of our lives, and cope with the adversities of daily living. Have you tried?Instead you're silently hurt. Not by a cheap gift, but because you feel your husband doesn't feel you worth the extravagance of a fine and thoughtful gift. Some token of how deeply he feels about you. Breaking the bank to make you smile with delight? Am I right? Then tell him!The only reason this petty issue about the cheap present thing is bothering you, is because you're not asserting any effort to change it. You accept it, then get pissed about it.You can change it all by just addressing it, and taking control of the situation and putting an end to it. You have to empower yourself to be happy. Don't depend on others to do it. Do what you like to do, get a bobby, take some classes to broaden your horizons. An expensive gift will make little difference; if you're really unhappy about everything else. If the true issue is that you feel under-appreciated.If hubby resists your efforts to discuss your marital problems in order to improve your relationship; then it is time to decide if you want to remain married to him. I'm surprised if your therapist has not invited you both in, to sit down together. It may help you to better communicate how you feel. Don't wait until you're angry and start a fight. You don't spend thousands on a therapist to change yourself, you change the environment around you in order to stay healthy and happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 March 2013):
 I have to agree with SVC, having expectations of your spouse (& kids) is not wrong. Having TOO high expectations isn't per say wrong either, but it's an easy way to be let down over and over.
You wrote ** quote** "I can't afford to get you much of anything for your birthday....maybe just a card or a stupid stuffed animal or something."
If my husband said that I would be highly offended. A card is nice (and definitely not too much to expect) But a "stupid stuffed animal" ? You are 30-35 not 5. WHY would you WANT a stuffed toy in the first place? Only thing that comes to mind where THAT would be a reasonable gift, is if you collected unintelligent stuffed toys.
I would just tell him, I have no expectations of presents from you, because this has been a reoccurring behavior from you. So why don't WE just stick to giving each other cards on our birthdays? That way YOU can treat YOURSELF on yours and he can do ditto for his. Or say why don't we set an amount that we can/will spend on b-day presents and stick to it? That way you know what to expect (and yes, you are allowed to expect a card IMHO) and you won't get the feeling of being let down.
My husband used to be the "worst" gift giver (seriously) so I linked him MY Wish List on Amazon and then he can PICK and choose. There are PLENTY cheaper thing he can buy if money are tight and I wold be happy with any of them.
And honestly I can't see why he can't shop for you a month or two in advance IF he really wanted too. He just seems like he doesn't like to spend money of a gift for you and that I find a little disturbing. Not saying he should go out and max out his credit-cards and buy you a Lamborghini, but a card, flowers and something he knows you want/need can easily be purchased for a reasonable amount.
You said that you felt like he was baiting you, well maybe he is. Have you talked to him about this? Without it turning ugly?
Does he EVER spoil you? Take you out for dinner/movies? Do you spoil him?
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 March 2013):
I think you are misunderstanding the whole "expectations" thing. I believe that what you're saying is correct to some extent, but expectations are a critical part of all relationships.
For example if my wife didn't expect anything from me I'd move to a tropical beach and be a bum. Heck, I get into my car expecting it to not break down. If it breaks down will I be unhappy? Sure. But I can't get in the car and not expect anything of it just so I'm not unhappy when it does break down. Employers expect their employees to do their job. If they don't do their job they will have a meeting about EXPECTATIONS, if they still don't, they will be let go.
It's kind of the same with your husband. You have the right to expect to be treated with respect and to be shown some appreciation on your birthday. At the same time he has the right to blow his money gambling. At which point you have to make a decision as to whether you're married to the right person.
People mold their relationships according to each other's expectations. It's a critical part of the relationship. At the same time, you're right, only you are responsible for your happiness IN THE END. In the end- meaning after you've DONE WHAT YOU CAN and your needs still aren't being met. At that point you have to live with it or move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2013):
 It’s NOT wrong to have expectations. IF the reason you don’t have them is to maintain contentment, then you do yourself a disservice unless your expectations are outrageous. I think your therapist is wrong in saying that having NO expectations of others is the way to go. I think that’s a cop out and a way to avoid making the other person work to make the relationship work and it gives you an easy way to stay in a bad relationship.
Having the expectations of a spouse not frittering away income on gambling is a legitimate expectation. Having the expectations of a spouse treating you with respect is a legitimate expectation. NO you can’t expect him to make your happiness, but there is no need to let him run roughshod over you because you opt to have NO EXPECTATIONS of him.
I expect my spouse to listen to me and acknowledge me.
I expect my spouse to hold down a full time job and contribute financially to the household
I expect my spouse to not beat me, call me names or abuse me in any other way.
I expect my spouse to respect my feelings and needs.
I expect my spouse to work on our relationship as needed.
Have you told him how you would like your birthday handled? If so, and he refuses to do what you have asked (and is passive aggressive about it) or if he refuses to even discuss it, then you have a problem. It’s not your EXPECTATIONS that are the problem. It’s his not respecting you if he KNOWS what you want.
Do you and your husband have separate funds? I guess if my hubby and I did not have combined funds 100% of the time and he had the choice to spend his money on me or himself for my birthday and he opted to spend it on himself and be all passive aggressive as your hubby I’d be concerned too.
DOES he have any idea of what kinds of things you want for your gifts? I make sure my husband has a list (Amazon wish lists work great for this) of what kinds of things I want. I do not expect him to be a mindreader.
I am a horrible gift giver for birthdays and such so I always ASK what he wants. IF your husband said “"I can't afford to get you much of anything for your birthday....maybe just a card or a stupid stuffed animal or something." Perhaps it’s his way of saying “honey I have no clue what to get you can you help me out here”
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (18 March 2013):
 Well nothing's going to change unless you tell him how you feel about the way he treats you. You're effectively giving him permission to continue this behaviour.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): You deffinitely can have requests and expectation of people to behave toward you in a certAin way. When your therapist talks about you being happy only because someone else' has to make you happy, it's a different thing that to expect things from people to treat you the right way.When you goon vacation and have this picture in your head about this perfect vacation with nothing ever going wrong, that's a silly expectation. Or you have an expectation that your one night stand will turn into beatifull romance story that's to have an expectation that will most likely will never come true. When ou expect your friends to help you when you are in need that's a healthy expactation, because this is what friends are for: to help and be there for you. And if they don't help you when you need them, then you can't call them friends, they just some people to chill out with.You are absolutely wright to expect nice gift from your husband, instead of him spending money on him befor your birthday. I would deffinitely tell him owi feel about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (18 March 2013):
While i adgree with your Therapist that your well being is your responsibility that being said. You are human you have a feelings you as a wife have needs.As such to expect a decent gift for your birthday this is very normal. On the otherhand with respect your husband seems a very selfish man and very unfair to you .He continues to do it because he is getting away with it .However you know you own situation and maybe the reasons you dont say anything to him about this .Best Luck Nora B.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2013):
 "I see. I'd prefer a smart stuffed animal over a stupid one, given the choice."
or "It would make me happy to have a kind, well-meaning token from you that helps me celebrate my birthday. If you can't, well, I guess that is what it is. Love you anyway!"
Does he have something, some old issue from his past, that makes birthdays some sort of trigger point? Maybe he associates them with pain and is pre-empting the hurt by avoiding the birthday entirely.
If you want a big birthday present and he can't/won't produce one for you, I think it's fine to treat yourself. You don't need to wrap it or make a big deal out of it. Just treat yourself to something special, it could be a piece of jewelry or a mani/pedi or something that would normally be a splurge. If he asks why you bought it, if he notices, then you could simply say, "it was my birthday present" and leave it at that.
I take it that the birthday thing is just a symptom of greater issues in the marriage? It's a trigger for you now, as you had to write in, even though you are working with a therapist.
Hm.
I think it's untrue that we should not have expectations of a spouse, or parent or partner or friend, for that matter. We expect to be treated with respect, courteously and with consideration for limitations and weaknesses. You don't ask the spouse who has a fear of heights to climb up a ladder and fix the roof. You do ask the spouse who has the time to deal with the roof to hire the contractor who can fix the roof.
It would be unreasonable of a spouse to fling dirty clothes on the floor and then expect them to be washed, pressed and back in the closet.
I would expect palatable, safe food from the person preparing it. I would expect that something would be done as and when promised by the other partner.
Maybe you could ask your husband, when he announces this, "Is it difficult for you to celebrate my birthday with me for some reason? I don't wish to cause you discomfort, if there is an issue." And then listen.
Or "I hear you say you can't afford to get me much of anything for my birthday, I just want you to know that I will be appreciative of whatever you can manage, if it means writing me a love note instead of producing jewelry or some expensive trinket. After all, the thought is what counts. And I do appreciate your nurturing and care of me, thank you."
Or "I don't want my birthday to be a source of resentment or obligation on your part. If it is bothering you somehow to get a card or other small token, I will understand if you want to skip it. I hope you will similarly understand that my birthday is a special day for me and I will celebrate it with my girlfriends. It's good that we are able to talk like this and understand one another. Thanks for giving me the heads up on the situation!" And smile gently while you say that.
I am guessing there is a history of blowing up over the lack of birthday preparations? Lots of resentment built up over the years?
Maybe ignore the birthday planning at home entirely and set up whatever celebration you would like with your other family and friends, not including him? That sets him up to resent YOU, of course, for not including him.
Those are just some ideas I'm throwing out at you.
Have you tried meditating to see if you can reach a peace with the situation?
...............................
|
