A
female
age
41-50,
*alemR
writes:I've been married for eleven years, together for sixteen years. We recently celebrated our anniversary which is also St Valentines day.. I never ask for anything. This This year I suggested a Northface jacket. I've not had a new coat in a good six years and only have one. I spent $200 easily on him for a nice romantic dinner. Needless to say he did not buy my a jacket but told me it cost to much. We have the money to purchase northfaces for the whole family. So money shouldn't be a problem. I cant knock this feeling of disappointment. Am I being selfish? Im hurt.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 March 2013):
 You're not being selfish.... YOu simply married a lout. What is the question??????
Good luck.....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): Yes my husband buys gifts for me on holidays, never a just because. Which is okay, I know he is not the romantic kind. He did buy me a gift for our anniversary, dont take this wrong as I know it sounds like an ungrateful woman. I saw a distressed chalkboard at Marshals that I wanted. It was very big and perfect to hang in our kitchen to keep up with baseball games, practices, local events. He bought me one half the size and that was twenty dollars. Which again is okay-I love it.It's the thought that counts when it comes down to it. I guess I am just struggling with why not buy the one that was exactly what I wanted for $50.00. I've never put a price tag on anything he wanted.For example: he likes Armani Black Cologne. This is a $80.00 bottle of cologne. I buy for him every year, what if I replaced it with a cheaper cologne that may not have been what he really wanted. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful dad and provides for our boys as he should. I just feel like I am put second to his money, even to him. I am not the same in appearance I was 15 years ago, with two kids, and not taking care of myself as I should, I have gained some weight. So I guess I should just be thankful that he still finds me attractive and never makes comments or puts me down, he is loyal and we have a great, healthy sex life. Loyal and Faithful means a lot in today's world. I think I would have rather him not even told me he went and looked at the coats - that way my feeling would have been spared - to hear, i was going to buy you a coat, but $179 is a lot of money, just made me feel like to him, i wasn't worth that.I had gotten over it, put it in the back of my mind, but when he came home with the coat for himself last night, it just brought it back to the surface. I just feel so silly. Or I just may be noticing things as I am older.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): I agree with Abella! Your husband does sound like he is now taking you for granted and thinks you will always be there for him! Does your husband sometimes do some nice things for you too? It seems like he is always relying on you but you can never do the other way around.
Even if he didn't get the jacket for whatever reason, did he treat you with something else? He probably knows you enough to have predicted that you would splurge on the restaurant and it sounds like he didn't put any efforts...
he is now used to being the king of the household. it doesn't make him a bad person but now he is used to receiving so much without giving much in return. he's getting too comfortable in the relationship. Let him handle some households tasks/responsibilities too so that you can make time for yourself.
Take a break for yourself for a weekend or longer and let him deal with the kids, the household etc... then he will understand that he should be lucky to have you and how easy it could be to lose you.
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A
female
reader, SalemR +, writes (9 March 2013):
SalemR is verified as being by the original poster of the question I could not agree more. It hurts. I work full time, handle everything in the house, handle all pta functions, school homework, shopping, evenput writing out bills with no help from him. I don't want or need priase but like you said I need to putme first. I thought about kust going to buy the coat but then feared I would be made to feel selfish or greedy. My husband has at least ten different style coats and bought a Columbia jacket last night. Which it was on sale for twenty dollars so i dont blame him. I can never find deals. But you hit home when you said spend some ectra time on me. I take a shower in the mornings, dont put on make ip, dont dress yo p and head into the office. I let him sleep in while i get the noys up, dressefd and then make breakfast for everyone. If i dont have coffee made or breakfast ready. Then i receive the look/ question "no coffee". I'mgoing to put me first. If i can remember how to.. Thanks so much for your honesty!!!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 March 2013):
 People often take their cue from how you treat yourself.
Though in his case he is now treating you as part of the furniture. He has sunk into a rut. He is taking you for granted. And he is counting the cost of being nice to you, and that IS a bad sign.
You have the money to get every one a jacket.
Yet you have not had a good new coat for six years? This means that you are not valuing you enough.
Time to practise the "Art of Selfishness" - that's a famous book from the past by David Seabury.
You need to value you more and show it and demonstrate it, by your own ACTIONS not your words, to the world. When you value you then others are more likely to sit up and take notice.
If you are not taking care of you in supportive kind considerate ways, then you are sending out the wrong signals.
You are important.
Where would your family be without you?
Where would your husband be without you?
Your family need you. But separately you also need to put you first so that you demonstrate to you that you have a lot of value to offer the world. That what you want and need counts and is just as important as anyone else's wants and needs. In the pecking order you do not come second and you do not come last.
You do come first. Because if things are not OK within you and you cannot see how important you are to yourself then how are other people meant to be more able to see what you cannot see yourself?
Show by your actions that you know you are important and that you have healthy intact self esteem
Go book a set of Spa treatments for half a day.
Go get your hair revamped and maybe even a subtle change of color.
Go get that Northface jacket and some other new other things to match it.
You contribute to the household so spending the household money on you occasionally is perfectly normal and acceptable. Do this for you.
Make sure your lingerie is gorgeous.
You deserve it.
How long since you decided some things that are just for the benefit of you? An afternoon spent in a lovely place you have always wanted to visit. By your self if you can cope with spoiling just you alone. This is about rebuilding your own sense of worth. Your worth does not come from what others do for you. Your worth comes from what good things you think you deserve.
You deserve a wardrobe revamp so start planning it.
Your self worth comes from within you. Not from the validation by others assuring you that you are important.
So please start making some decisions that are in your best interest.
He is being thoughtless and inconsiderate towards you. But you cannot get him to change unless you first change your focus. Put the spotlight on who you are and what you need. Shake things up a little and take the time to get ready for the day, put on some heels and makeup. Let him know you cannot pick up his drycleaning as you are visiting the local gym, or attending the opening of a new art gallery (or whatever turns you on)
Never try to do very nice things for others in the hope that they will repay you with similar kindness. Thoughtless people will just take and not give if you are too much of a giver. You need to be an expecter of good things, with a belief within you that you will have good things come your way.
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