A
female
age
,
*EM
writes:Dear Agony Aunt,I am in a group of 8 women that travel and play a sport together. We have known each other a very long time and are good friends. One of my friends divorced her husband of 25 years to be with another man. This man had been single and dating for quite some time when she met him. My friend did not technically cheat with him while married to her husband, but she knew he would be there for her if she left her marriage. We have been out with him socially, he's attended some of our annual functions, etc. He appears to genuinely love her. They have recently purchased a house together. She used what money she had to pay half. She is now somewhat dependent on this new guy because she does not work full time. One of the women in my group is single and is in an online dating site. She saw this guy on the site and told a couple more of us. Since then, we have been checking his activity, etc. The site will have him as active in a couple of days, and then not active for a long time and then active in a couple of days...over and over.We don't know how, or if, to tell our friend. We don't know if being active means he is actually cheating or not. Maybe he is just looking. We don't understand why he doesn't take his profile off the site. Maybe he did, but the profiles stay up anyway? She would be crushed if she learned that the guy she left her marriage for is cheating on her. Without hard evidence, I am hesitant to tell her. None of us know what to do.
View related questions:
crush, divorce, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, love_and_other catastrophes +, writes (26 January 2011):
Personally, If it were me, I'd want to know if my partner was listed on a dating site. So, I'd be on the phone to my girlfriend just letting her know its on there, could be a case of forgotten membership but if he tries to cancel it cos he forgot all good, if he kicks up a big stink then there could be something fishy. Shouldn't be a big thing to just tell her what you saw. Imagine if it blew up and she found out one of her best friends knew the whole time and didn't give her a heads up.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): Just tell her what you know, don't give any opinions just tell her what you know as facts. It's what you would want Is't it?
...............................
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (26 January 2011):
 I'm sorry, I thought they were married. Thank you for responding with more information. I can understand why you and your friends are so concerned.
I assume this couple is in a committed relationship... at least, that's what your friend was led to believe. First, I'm very concerned about this house she has helped her boyfriend purchase. Is her name on the title for the house? If not, she needs to have that done immediately.
I really think you should go ahead and tell your friend what you know. I can't figure out any reason why he would be on a dating site, unless he is looking to meet or flirt with other women. Perhaps someone else can come up with a good reason why he would be on there, but I doubt it.
If you really want to be certain that he is up to no good before you tell your friend, someone could join the site, say hello to the boyfriend, and see if he responds. However, I have mixed feelings about that... it reminds me of entrapment. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, you could suggest it to the girlfriend, once you let her know what you've discovered.
Please let us know what you decide to do! Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (25 January 2011):
TEM is verified as being by the original poster of the question Florida Girl et al,
Thanks for your responses. From all the different opinions, it appears you are just as stumped by this as we are.
To clear up a couple of things: Agony Aunt put that our friend is now married to the man she left her husband for in the title. She is not. She is currently living with him and has been for about a year. I would say she met him about three years ago. She has been divorced for about two years.
About the activity - If you search the site and pull up his profile (or any profile), it will tell you how long it has been since he has been active. When our single friend first stumbled across it, his profile was "active within two days." She has been watching it for a few months. It has gone from "active within three weeks" to "active within two days" several times. We think they do not report someone who has been inactive over three weeks. We think you become "active" any time you log into to site. So, yes, he has been active, and in some instances within days.
Does that mean he is actually meeting women? We can't be sure. What bothers me is that it is up there at all. Even if he left if up and forgot about it, it should have fallen off the site by now. BTW, there is a monthly charge for staying on the site. However, my single friend stopped paying for it and they left her profile up.
...............................
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (25 January 2011):
I'm a little confused about something you wrote, so hopefully you can clarify it for me. You stated, "The site will have him as active in a couple of days, and then not active for a long time and then active in a couple of days...over and over."
Does this mean his page "is" active for a couple days, inactive for a while, and then active again... and so on? Please bear with me... I'm not familiar with how these dating sites work! Basically, what I'm asking is... has his page ever been active?
If it has been active, I think it would be best to let his wife know. Put yourself in her shoes... if your husband were doing the same thing, would you want to know about it? Also, what will happen if she finds out that her friends knew he had an online dating account, but failed to tell her? I would feel incredibly betrayed... not just by the hubby, but by the best friends as well.
If his account has never been active, he probably forgot he's still on there. In this case, I'm sure he'd appreciate knowing, so he can delete it.
Please let us know what happens! Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): I guess that depends upon whether she is actually your friend and you are hers.
If you are not friends, then it is none of your business unless there is another link...you are the other woman or something else.
But, if you are her friend, then you need to act like a friend, and friends don't let friends drive drunk, kill other people, steal, or get betrayed by others with their knowledge.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): It is probably best to leave it. I know there is the argument that as you're friends you should tell her. But she won't thank you unless you are 100% sure. And that is difficult. He may just have innocently forgotten to take himself off the site. Or maybe if he is paid up and can not be bothered to cancel - he is just looking out of curiosity. It is a dilema. But until you have something concrete I would leave it.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 January 2011):
Truthfully, you're best to stay out of it. She left her husband for this man, so I doubt she will suddenly listen to people that he's not that great. More likely is that she'll distance herself from you.
I would just be there for when this goes wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (25 January 2011):
 So while she was married she was also "dating" his other guy? That would be the first red flag, him being ok dating a married woman. It shows that he doesn't respect commitment in the first place.
If he's happy with her, then there should be no activity at all on his dating profile. That profile shouldn't still be up period. There's no need to browse if you're happy with what you got. There's really no hard evidence, and it's not exactly a good idea to tell her because it's not your place. If he is cheating then he will slip up soon. Really, I would stay out of it.
...............................
|
