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Should I try dating her again? She's a good friend but she's played me in the past

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 October 2016) 13 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2016)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am unsure what to choose.

I have know a girl for over 4 years. In the first year I met her, I knew she was seeing guys (mostly footballers), and basically having fun. I bided my time to wait until she stopped seeing guys and wanted something serious. Towards the end of the year, we became close, and I thought she would finally want to be with me.

However at the start of the following year, she said we had not made it official, and had been seeing someone else without telling me beforehand. She then told me she wanted to be friends, but the guy she was seeing just used her and ghosted her a few weeks after she told me she wanted to be friends.

In the following 2 years, I have tried to show her in the background that I am better than the other guys she sees, she no longer sees many guys at once, but still, the ones she does she, they use her for a few weeks and then leave, and i am almost always the one to comfort her.

Of-course, I never forgot what she did by leaving me hanging, until this summer, she said all the other guys who kept coming back were history. So I made a big push and invited her out for a nice weekend in the city, but the date i planned, she had planned to go see one of the other guys who she said was history. I swallowed my pride, and still told her i was not happy, but wanted to go to the city with her.

The weekend was a success, everything i had planned worked, including a posh lunch, and she said none of the guys she had seen in the time she had known me had ever treated her so nicely (they only invited her to their bedrooms). 2 weeks after our weekend, she went to visit the other guy who is in another country and he blanked her, made excuses why he could not meet, and basically it was a wasted trip for her. She was heartbroken.

That weekend, I met another girl, and I have been open to her and we get on very well so far. She does not like it, and says she realised on her foreign trip she wants a guy who treats her well, and cares about her, and she cries that I might date this new girl.

I think deep down inside, she will relapse and start dating footballers again, and maybe she is jealous now I found someone who likes me and she sees what she has missed out on all along. I think had the footballer received her, she would have forgotten about our weekend and clung to the hope he wanted more than sex.

Should I give in to her and try it again, she is a very good friend of mine, and i really like her, but unsure as she played me before.

View related questions: heartbroken, jealous, swallow

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A female reader, Barnes66 France +, writes (30 October 2016):

Barnes66 agony auntI'd stay with the new girl..The other girl is just using you as a fall back guy.She isn't all that interested in you or she'll be with you.You're just a crutch she comes back to for support when her ego is crushed with other guys.Nothing more. Run like a wind and never look back. I'm speaking from experience

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (29 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntYou do need to love yourself more, you are not a bad guy. Give this other girl a chance. If she questions the lack of contact just tell her you don't think it would be fair when you are dating. Yes it will be hard. When you feel yourself wanting to talk to her distract yourself. Go for a walk or talk to someone else. Stay strong and it will get easier.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you Cindy & Aunt Honesty, I really see what you mean, and as hard as it is, it is logical and makes 100% sense.

How do I go about with this transition though? I have tried to start not being the first to text her in the morning or to ask about her loads. I think she will notice it that I am less attentive to her, and I really don't want to be seen as the bad guy in this.

I need to love myself more I guess too!

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A male reader, 111222 Australia +, writes (29 October 2016):

111222 agony auntStay with this new girl.

The first one treats you like a doormat but you can't blame her as you've allowed her to do it. Grow a backbone and tell her no, that she's had her chance and blown it.

She's just jealous you're not giving her the usual attention and if you broke it off with this new girl she would be flaking out on you again immediately. You've seen first hand how easily she gives it up to other guys and it's taken years for you. Think about it realistically.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (29 October 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Why wasting energies on proving her " wrong " ? She is not missing out on anything, from her point of view !- she likes footballers and you are not. If her dating measuring stick is " He must be a footballer ", ... tastes are tastes, I doubt you should strive to convince her that artists or intellectuals or whatever are better.

Don't sweat it. Don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole. Pray to the converted :)... and you'll have much more success. Seek someone whom you could have a viable future with, also based on MUTUAL appreciation . If you have to try hard to convince that you are good for them... it's they who are not good for you in the long run.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (29 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntWhy do you feel the need to prove anything to her? You say you will stay away but deep down you won't because you are still wanting to impress her, still wanting to show her you are worthy.

Look at the bigger picture, yes you are worry off someone who will treat you well and vice versa, she won't. You should not need t be a footballer to be with someone that is shallow on her part, you don't want to be with someone like this. She knows you are a good guy but you are not what she wants.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your replies. I think I will keep my distance and I don't think me and her have a viable future as she likes footballers, and I am not one, sadly.

I do still think of showing her what she's missed out on. She's maybe realising it not, but how could I make her see that I was the one that got away?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (28 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntShe sees you as a friend, someone who will treat her well but she does not see romance with you. Yes she was jealous because she wants your attention she does not want you giving it to someone else. She loves having you there by her side because she knows you like her and it is good for her ego. However it is not good for you or for your love life. You should date someone who is interested in you. Who appreciates you and does not mess you around. I understand you like her, but it is not mutual and you are only going to end up hurt.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016):

I agree with the others. You are worth someone better.

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A male reader, Dodds Kenya +, writes (28 October 2016):

Dodds agony auntDude am sorry to say this but you're a certifiable wuss!

The kinds of behaviors that you have been exhibiting are generally unattractive towards women. Trust me I have been there.

She's acting stressed out over you seeing another woman because your actions have sparked the competitive nature within her. In other words; you're more attractive now.

I'd suggest you grow a spine and move on to the woman who's actually interested in you!

Do the opposite and I promise you will be back here lamenting how she still hasn't changed despite you leaving the new catch.

All the best, let us know your decision.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 October 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI wouldn't. OP you are the booby prize. Now that she is getting older and can't pull as many guys as she used to, now that she is scraping the barrel she FINALLY remembered that you were nice to her. Another reason for her sudden interest in you, is that you are seeing someone else and thus can't PINE over her anymore.

Come on OP, why settle for a girl who really doesn't want YOU, but will settle for you as the go-to guy or the guy to boost her ego.

FOCUS on the new girl, new start. IF the "friend" had REALLY liked you she would have acted on it SINCERELY in those past 4 years, she hasn't. She has just used you over and over and for whatever reason, you have let her.

Want more for yourself, OP.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2016):

Steer clear of this girl, she has been using you just as she says she's been used by the guys she was seeing. Continue seeing the new girl but not if you're not over the previous girl - that would be unfair to the new girl.

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A male reader, Username100 United States +, writes (28 October 2016):

Don't let her do this to you. Find someone that can respect you and your time. She is damaged goods my friend, you're better without her. I know that you are still going to try and date her so my advice is to text her but keep it casual and tell her that you do not feel comfortable talking about other guys when you are together because that makes you feel awkward because you are not a therapist but a friend. Make the time spent with her about you and her not other people, tell her you are not an emotional tampon. While you are doing this with her start looking for other girls to date, get rid of that power she has over you, by trying to like other girls. Start focusing on yourself, go out with friends meet new people. Minimize the texting with her, if she starts texting about her problems with other guys, bring up girls you want to date, make it awkward for her. Minimize the time spent with her as well.

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