A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I am in high school right now and my first girlfriend recently broke up with me. We dated for about a month and a half and the way she broke up with me was not what anybody does to anybody else. I'm trying to understand and make sense of why this behavior occurred with me. Here I'll explain what the inexcusable method was. Four days before the break-up, she said that she needed to talk to me about some things. She mentioned on that day something about that her father lost his job, which she had been worried about. She said she had school work to do on that day, but my friends saw her at a party drinking. Three days before, I asked her when she actually wants to talk and she said two days later (one day before the actual breakup). The day before the breakup, I asked when and where we were meeting and she responds back two hours later and says that she was about to see if I wanted to meet her at the shopping center, but that her phone had died. When I called her, she was at home and she said she wasn't feeling well because she kept forgetting to take her medication. She said she was going to try to sleep off her physical problems and her emotions. So I let that meeting go. Finally, she agrees to meet and she tells me that she was breaking up with me because she had some things she needed to work on and that she didn't feel she could while she was in a relationship. She seemed more devastated about ending it than even I was. She said she felt guilty about being so distant, but I have some doubts about that. This just seems like attention-seeking behavior, but I don't want to worry about the intention. All I care about is what happened.What's confusing is that in the first month or so, she seemed really interested in me. She was letting me know that she really enjoyed talking to me and my friends could tell that she seemed really into me. It's not like she seemed overly dependent though. She made me feel as if I was the night in shining armor and that I was way better than her previous boyfriends. She told me she had about 5 or so of them. She even got my parents to believe that she was a nice girl and that we were a match made in heaven. She seemed really interested in what I was doing and was laughing at all of my jokes. I'm thinking, "What the hell is so difficult about a relationship?" It felt like I was lucky enough to get the right girl on the first try. There were close to no problems. She did have episodes of dizziness, even collapsing once in a class--one that I didn't share with her. Other than her health, everything seemed alright. I learned she had an anxiety disorder and ADHD, but they didn't seem to affect the ease of the relationship. On a weekend, my parents took me and her out to lunch and that was the last time that we actually hung out outside of school.The day after--two weeks before the breakup--she said she forgot to take her medication and was feeling emotionless and bored. During the end of the week, she went home from school early because she was having headache problems and dizziness. I tried to hang out with her over the weekend, but she started to get stomach problems. I suggested that I come over to her house and we watch a movie, but she said she felt like being alone while she's sick. She was also getting a bunch of other symptoms to the point where I lost track of them all. I assumed that her bad luck would end soon. After the weekend though, she returned to school for a couple of days before having to stay home with a sinus cold. I was excited to see her when she finally got back, but she was still in a depressed mood. Six days before the breakup, she texted me to give her space so that she could deal with her own emotions. The next day, I went to Hallmark to get her a get well card and she told me she appreciated it and finally returned to school. She returned to school four days before our breakup. What happened after is in the first paragraph.The day after the breakup, I talked to one of her exes. Based off what he said, it appears that this particular individual has a history of being really interested in whichever boyfriend she has feel that they've found the one. I think she was legitimately interested in me, but the reality of a relationship set in. She also has a history of being distant with the person she breaks up and of having similar illnesses while she's being distant with them. This individual also has a history of saying that the boyfriend did nothing wrong and of being more devastated than the boyfriend about the breakup. The ex-boyfriend of hers that I talked to said that she told him he did nothing wrong, but she told me things she disliked about him while I was with her. I told him about that, and this was five months after she broke up with him. This ex warned me about this type of behavior before I got with her, but I assumed that he was just being salty and not giving her enough attention.We both foresee that she will put unwarranted blame on me for the breakup and that she will quickly move on to another guy and do the exact same pattern with him. I tried to make sense of this and I accidentally found some BPD websites that described similar behaviors. Would I be right to say that she uses guys to help her get over her own problems and has an inflated sense of hope each and every time that they will solve their problems? Would I be right to say that she only breaks up with people because the reality sets in that her boyfriends don't have any real power in saving her from herself? These tendencies showed up on these BPD websites, but she never showed an ounce of anger or actual hatred for me. However, it seems that she ignored what she didn't like about me and never communicated it to me. It seems that she was hiding the parts of her personality that she thought I wouldn't like.I understand that I will never be able to understand the true details of any motivation for any girl breaking up with me, but I will feel better to have a most likely explanation. I also want confirmation that no matter what I did, it would not have lasted. It seems it was more on her, but I want to make sure. I sometimes wonder if it would have gone differently if she had been remembering to take her medication. How does anybody have this seismic of a shift in their interest level in anybody else? Is it more likely that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this seismic shift? I'm not worried about whether or not she intended to confuse me this bad. All I'm worried about is getting clarification on what happened. Should I treat this as if my partner had BPD or is that the wrong approach to getting over it? Thanks in advance to everyone for giving me their opinions.Less important question: How should I go about my next relationship considering that I've lost a lot of faith in being able to trust my next partner?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do want to add a correction to make the situation seem more acceptable. I should point out that I do not view this girl has having any malicious intent anymore. She actually treated me and many others nicely. This was in my opinion, just a bright future that went wrong. Others around me thought of it as a bright future as well, but it is what it is. I would have liked to have seen the relationship actually develop. However, I now see that she was just in the wrong situation at the wrong time and I was in the wrong situation at the wrong time. Again, thanks for taking the time to help me out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe people here have done a tremendous job at taking the time to help me realize what I need to do to move forwards. Sorry for the late feedback, but I guess it's better for you to know that you have helped. Thanks very much.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 November 2017):
 OP,
You can be mad at her and feel she did everything WRONG to you but facts are... she isn't ABLE or READY for a relationship whether YOU want to be in one with her or not.
She keeps mentions all these ISSUES she has so maybe you need to TAKE note and ACCEPT that this isn't about you. It wasn't about her wanting to hurt you or anything else. This is about her. About her realizing that being in a relationship is NOT what she wants. You didn't DO anything "wrong" other than ignoring all that she said. She basically said it's not you, IT's me. And she was right.
So, OP BE glad you didn't "invest" in more time or emotions than 1 1/2 months with her. She could have dragged this out for a lot longer. She LIKED the idea of having a BF (you) but reality showed her she isn't capable of having a mature relationship. That is why she has a STRING of shortlived relationships. SHE breaks up with the guys (and blame them) because it's EASIER for her. you talked to her ex-BF and he pretty much said that to you.
How should you go about this in the next relationship? Well, I'd say GO SLOW - get to know the girl. If she ALSO has various issues then maybe she isn't a good match. I'm not saying that people with mental health issues aren't worthy of a partner but... I WILL say that dating someone who has these issues is 100 times harder than dating someone who DOESN'T have major issues.
I get that it doesn't feel good to be "rejected". All you CAN do is brush yourself off, BLOCK her on all social media/phone/apps etc. And let her DO her own thing while you focus on YOURSELF, school, family and your friends.
Relationships can be hit or miss. Some people turn out to NOt be a good match - other a great one. This girl? Bad match for you.
And NEXT time you meet a girl you like and want to get to know? DO NOT presume she is going to be like your ex-GF and DO NOT make her jump through hoops because of your ex-GF. They are TWO different people.
You are trying to apply logic to a person (your ex-GF) who isn't behaving in a logical manner. You want there to be some GREAT reason why it didn't work. The only real reason is, SHE has issues that overshadow her capability to be in a relationship.
Don't date someone because you think you can fix them or that it will be different with you... If they have a history of treating others like crap, they will TREAT you like crap too, eventually.
You made a mistake in dating a girl who just isn't a good match for you.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (24 November 2017):
 Mate, look at her health issues.. she's got a LOT on her plate and focusing on school is hard enough, let alone a full blown relationship.. you guys are ridiculously young anyway..
She's been DIAGNOSED with those two conditions- NOT BPD. AS someone with depression and anxiety, I'll tell you they are monsters to fight and they really take a toll on your relationships. BPD is more like jekyll/hyde, stark contrasts, where as she seems like she just feels too weary/ overwhelmed by things..
Not every girl will have as many issues as her.. and the thing is at the end of the day it was only a month and a half!
You need to let this go.. she has made it clear that this is not what she wants right now.. but ya know what- hats off to you for sticking by her and waiting around, in sickness and in health! You'll make a GREAT bf for a great girl one day, when the time is right.
If she is your first love, she'll always be special.. but it's not meant to be- she is either genuinely in no fit state to be in a relationship, OR she just wasn't that into you and the illness was exaggerated.
Move on and go fly
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 November 2017):
When people are suffering from mental health disorder it can be nearly impossible to make sense of some of their actions.
Don't take it personally. And trust me, you're better off!
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