A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't come from a wealthy family. The only person in my whole family who has been well off is my grandfather. He's very rich. However, I rarely speak with him. He's a somewhat distant person from our family and I've always felt rather weird around him. I'm in some financial trouble at the moment. I unexpectedly got laid off of my job and I'm forced to work part time in retail as I could not find another job. I'm devastated. On top of that I no longer have a vehicle so thankfully I have good friends to give me a ride, I can't do this forever though. Thankfully I don't have any children to take care of or I would really be freaking out. Everyone has been telling me to reach out to my wealthy grandfather. I just feel so weird doing so. Him and I barely speak. To be honest I don't even think he really likes me that much. I can't just randomly call him up and be like "hey I know we never talk or anything but I need some money asap". He's the only one who can help me though. Should I reach out to him? What should I say?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 February 2015):
 Ciar touched a point that I agree with, so I wanted to answer it, because it's important.
She said this:
"Though, I would be very cautious about even asking him for job referrals because any conversation that touches on money will smell more like a fishing expedition."
She's right, if you're asking with an ulterior motive. There are people who ask for things like this when they're really hoping their relative will feel sorry for them and handout. The way to make sure it DOESN'T smell like a fishing expedition is to ask with pure intentions.
You aren't poor - you are able-bodied, you don't have kids now, you are young, energetic, and hopefully you are energetic and resourceful. That means that if you get your hands dirty, you have wealth potential.
Your grandfather came from a time where social security and welfare weren't guaranteed, and any financial hardship meant the difference between eating or going hungry. You WILL sound like you're fishing if you come to him with wording like "loan" or whatever, but really wanted him to feel sorry for you and hand out money. And in truth, the fact that you wanting to have him GIVE You money as your first thought about his help makes me think that you very well could give into the temptation of that being your ultimate goal.
You need more than a handout. That's a temporary band-aid. What happens if you stay unemployed, and the money he gives you runs out? Do you ask him for more? AND - are you paying for luxuries that you don't really need? What happens when you ask him for money and say you're in dire need, yet whip out your smartphone and answer a call or text in front of him? Do you have things you can sell or bills you can reduce or suspend entirely? Can you call bill companies and ask for an extension? HAVE you applied for unemployment?
Do you live on your own? Apartment complex or with friends or parents or roommates? Do you have indulgences you can give up? (gourmet coffee, smoking, spa treatments, etc) It's amazing what people don't actually need when money is tight.
Asking your grandfather for work or references is what you should do if you MEAN it. If asking for handouts when you are otherwise able-bodied or aren't taking care of little children is complete ANATHEMA to you, your grandfather would be happy to see you wanting to dig your way out of your crisis. If he had work for you, that would be time well spent in renewing your relationship with him in the first place. No job should be beneath you as well - you may be on a ladder cleaning leaves out of a gutter or helping with a storage-cleaning and reorganization project, but money is money, and hard work gets you supper for the evening or that gallon of gas in the tank OR a cheap car!
Speaking of car, he may know someone who's got a clunker that works that may sell it to you cheap to tide you over until you get steady work. My husband's parents got a car like that - a rusty white station wagon his father's co-worker sold him for a dollar. It ran for 2 years and helped them until they could get a proper vehicle. The "Cash for clunkers" industry works very well, often paying $100 for vehicles that run, but bring no prestige. You can keep your ear to the ground for that sort of opportunity as well. Self-storages often sell vehicles that run but were abandoned by non-paying customers, having a statutory lien on the vehicle for such an event. Churches, Goodwill, or other 501(c)3 entities sell vehicles for a fraction of their worth as well to needy people. The catch is that you won't look very glamorous in one, and good luck with A/C or a radio in them. Salvage auctions or lots offer the same thing.
Be a problem solver, not a relier of charity. You have air in your lungs, arms and legs and energy. You have no dependents like a baby who needs you and dampens your ability to work.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (20 February 2015):
 Another vote for the 'no' camp and I particularly like the responses from YouWish and Cindycares.The fact that you and your grandfather aren't close is not necessarily because of anything bad. We're not going to be close to all of our relatives all of the time. Regardless of the reason, he doesn't exist to you beyond the occasional formal exchange. It really would be in very poor taste to hit him up for money (and you can bet that many have already done the same).He may be very gracious about it and may even loan you the money, but the fact that you only reached out to him when you wanted something will speak volumes of the kind of person you are and what you really think of him.And if he does loan you money, that will open up another can of worms. People can be very appreciative about receiving help, but when the funds have been spent and they still have overhead to pay, they tend to resent paying it back to a friend or family member who 'doesn't really need it'. It can get ugly. Like YouWish said, what would you do if you didn't have a wealthy grandfather? Though, I would be very cautious about even asking him for job referrals because any conversation that touches on money will smell more like a fishing expedition.
...............................
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (20 February 2015):
 Is this you also: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-are-some-ways-i-can-make-extra.html ?
...............................
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (20 February 2015):
If you've been taking care of yourself all of this time, why can't you do it now?
If you do go and ask for money, ask to work for him, not for a handout or loan.
The fact that he has money means that he earned it - you don't deliberately take someone else's hard earned money unless you're dying and can't pay for the treatment or are homeless with children. Honestly; unless someone will become very ill and/or die from it, I think it would be horrible to only use your grandfather as a bank, and I dislike that your family encourage it too.
You don't *need* *his* money - you *need* to find a way to earn it yourself, even if that means working for your grandfather and being paid minimum wage, or finding another part time job.
Family or not, I would be insulted if someone treated me like an ATM.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 February 2015):
 With all due respect to your family, I too, instead, think it's a bad idea and in very poor taste.
I am not even saying that it is your fault you don't have a great relationship with Grandpa. Maybe it is all HIS fault. Or , it's nobody's fault, - it is what it is, not all family members are always close.
But, the fact remains, that for whatever reasons you have a very superficial, formal r/ship based on exchange of Xmas wishes and such, no more. He may be " blood " genetically but for social and emotional purposes you are pretty much nobody to each other.
How would YOU feel if you were the rich relative and a Mr. or Miss "I never gave you the time of the day " would suddenly remember your existence and came to you clamouring for cash ? not that great, I bet.
I think that the two most probable reaction from your Grandfather would be 1 ) he feels sad, hurt and humiliated of becoming all of a sudden important when you need his money or 2 ) he feels positively furious of being asked for favours that the actual state of zero closeness does not warrant at all , and kicks you out for just asking.
Of course I may be wrong, some families put a big stock on sharing the same name, or " the voice of blood " and such, it is quite possible that your grandfather would feel morally bound to help you out, regardless of anything, just because you are related. So your request may be granted, why not.
Which, does not mean the request itself is OK. It would be morally questionable, and downright tacky. There's something like pride, integrity and dignity , and most of al, there's something like showing people the basic respect of considering them people and not like means to your personal ends.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): I think it's pretty rude and weird if you don't speak much or make an effort to see him much and just give him holiday cards, so I would say no it's not honourable.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): I agree with with the others.
Life is hard and more often than not it gets harder.
I'm in my late thirties now and I've been on both sides. I've been the one helping (financially and otherwise) and I knew times of trouble too and I learned how to ask for help, but NEVER EVER for money. This attitude was sometimes the only thing that kept me going and pushed me to find a solution faster.
First of all, you and your grandfather are not close and the only thing you want from him is money. Now how does this sound to you?
When you reach out to him, what are you going to say? Are you going to call it "a loan"? How and when do you think you could pay him back?
These questions are more important for you than for him.
I never ask for money not because I'm proud, but because I think it is, first of all, unfair to burden someone else with my financial problems. Secondly, by doing so I tell myself that I'm incompetent that others need to provide for me and that is not a good starting point for getting up on our feet.
I was helping my cousin by letting her stay with us and not paying any bills, hardly paying for her own food. I too had my own share of financial problems at the time, but I had more than her (apartment for one thing) and thought I should help. She stayed, once for a year and once for year and a half (!) flat on her back on my living room couch. Did I really help her? I don't think so. The moment I asked her to move out, she was angry with me, but she finally did find a better job.
Now, I was stupid enough to repeat the same mistake with a close friend of mine. She had no place to go... she stayed for three years, instead of three months (at least I tried to set boundaries with her) and it's my fault (and emotional problem I mostly dealt with). When I got married I asked her to move out. She didn't get angry however and she too found a steady job.
I really wanted to help them, but instead I kept enabling them. They lived in a made-up world where adults can treat the money they earn as pocket-money and not pay any bills.
Make the necessary cuts. Ask for help in a constructive way. Let everybody know that your looking for a job, ask for their ideas, has somebody heard of a weekend job? Maybe you have some useful skills you never knew you had?
This time of hardship is a good opportunity for growth. And yes, it hurts, but it'll get much better.
One more thing, who are those friends who are advising you to turn for help to your grandfather? Are they telling you what they think you want to hear or do they really think it's ok? If it's the latter I would seriously think about their attitudes and if it's the former, I'd question myself; because in that case I may have already made the decision to take the easy way out and now I'm just looking for approval.
And in the end, even if you decide to ask for money, your grandfather may rightfully turn you down. He's not the solution to your problem.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): What's missing in this is the idea that, now you have more time on your hands as you only work part time, you could be ACTUALLY GETTING TO KNOW YOUR GRANDFATHER and finding out why he's distant and why he doesn't really help anyone financially, in your family.
It doesn't matter how nicely you try to put to us what you are suggesting, it boils down to one thing, which is to go and ask a neglected family member for some of their money without even bothering to think about him as a person. This absolutely sucks and shows that you and your family have got your priorities wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 February 2015):
What would you do if you didn't have a rich grandfather?
There are always things you can do. If you were laid off of your job, you should be applying for and collecting unemployment insurance, even if you worked in a small business. Unless you were fired for a legal or performance based reason, you have that as a resource. Check your county and state for resources to assist you as well until you can get on your feet.
You also live in the US, where this is a great place and time for public transportation. I did it when I was in my early 20's in college and working a full-time job. Find out your bus/train/light rail schedule times, and you may have to walk a bit to your pick-up area, but public transportation, unless you live where the Unabomber lives, is always available to you.
Always be a problem solver. You have friends who are helping you. Ask them to put their ear to the ground in regards to a job, and if your grandfather is rich, he may have an idea of who might be hiring too. In fact, you could ask him if there are jobs you can do for him for money until you get to your feet. If I were talking to a relative who was well off, and I was in financial hard times, I'd be asking to work for them or do odd jobs or ask them if they knew about any hiring places or people. That's how I got the most lucrative job I had in high school, which paid several times more an hour than my McDonald's working buddies. I asked my mom at 14 if there was an odd job I could do for some extra money for something I was saving for. She offered for me to go clean out her horse's stable, brush down and feed her horse (she had broken her tailbone in a fall). I was down there doing a great job, walking the wheelbarrow full of crap out of the stable, and the owner of the stable saw me working and asked if I'd clean hers for money as well. It turned into me spending 10 hours a week cleaning over half of the stables in there for many horses, and I raked in a LOT of money. I made so much that I learned about paying taxes for sure...my dad made me file taxes at age 14 and declare every penny of that income. You might say opportunity gave me my first unofficial sole proprietorship. I made a LOT of money for sure until I graduated high school and moved away. Rich people can pay well if you impress them with good strong elbow grease!
You work part time now, you can supplement. Find another part time job and piecemeal hours when you can. I did that when I was young, my record being 27 days in a row working just to pick up as many hours as I could get in until I found full-time work.
Do what you can. Work hard and don't be afraid to sweat. If you go to your GF, don't just go with your hand out. That's my opinion.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 February 2015):
You don't need the money, hard times happen to most people and almost everyone gets through them if they try. Think of it as a test.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): This is the poster again replying back to some of you. Sorry, I didn't make an account.
I would like to clear up that there isn't a big reason why my grandfather and I don't speak. It's not because we hate each other or had a falling out, it's just the way it is. We send holiday cards to one another, I will text him for his birthday, but that's about it. I don't deliberately not talk to him. Like I said, I feel weird with him sometimes BECAUSE we don't talk or have much of a relationship anymore. I would like to point out that he doesn't make any effort to speak with me either. Not that it matters. At the end of the day, we are family. I'm always nice when we do talk.
I personally didn't think it was that big of a deal to ask him for some help. Any help. I just wanted other opinions. Now if it was a family member who I knew didn't have the money, I wouldn't dare ask. But with my grandfather, I know he has it. Plus, everyone in my family has told me to ask him. I don't think they would suggest that if they thought it was wrong or a bad idea.
But yes I do need the money. I have always taken care of and supported myself on my own. I hate asking people for favors. It's just a rough time for me right now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (20 February 2015):
I'd agree with the Anon, except for the fact that you don't *need* the money; it would just be a shortcut and that taking money from his doesn't mean you'd bother to strike up a relationship after all this time.
I'm not saying it was all your fault that you don't have a relationship, but you didn't mention trying to have a bond with him and I'd assume that he hasn't either, for some reason. Flesh and blood doesn't make family, so it would be like asking a stranger for money to save you from earning some the hard way.
I honestly think that it would be rude and insulting to only go to him for money, but best of luck on whatever you decide to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): I don't have grandchildren, but even if I was not very close with them, if they came to me for help, just this one time , I wouldn't dare to say no.
After all he is your flesh and blood. What are families for then. As an old man he is wiser now, and has to know that even if you guys are not that close, here is the chance to get to know each other and for him to help you out. He has money, he is old, he is not going to take it all to his grave.
May be he wants to be a good guy, and help his granddaughter
I would write to him, and see what he says. Write him a letter, my advice, explaining situation in details. And see what happens.
...............................
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (20 February 2015):
If you were my granddaughter who hadn't tried to talk to me, I wouldn't give you my money. I have that relationship with my dad's side; they only call when they need something - personally, I'd only help them if they were ill to the point of being unable to care for themselves.
You are in the position that many are in; you just have to *earn* your money any (safe) way you can. It can suck, but I'd get a job cleaning toilets, if I had to - retail isn't too bad. Keep sending out your CVs and get a second job or one that will be full time. Not everybody has the luxury of enjoying the job they do, that's why they either find one they don't mind, or use it to push them for their dream career.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): I'm the person who posted this. I'm sorry but I think you guys may have misunderstood me.
I used to be somewhat close to him as a child. But growing up as an adult him and I just sort of drifted apart because he started becoming distant with the whole family. I've always been very kind to him, and I have never in my life asked him for anything. It's been the past 6 years or so that we have barely spoken.
The reason I've always felt weird around him is because he's always been distant with everyone and acts weird at times. He is not like this because we ask him for money, nobody in our family asks him for anything. We barely make it, but we make it. By ourselves. It's just I'm going through a really rough time right now and have nobody else to go to. My parents live pay check to pay check. My sister has children and lives the same.
I understand that he doesn't owe me anything. You're absolutely correct he doesn't, but it wouldn't hurt him at all to give me some help here. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to use my grandfather for money, it's just the fact that he has it. No one else is capable of helping. I don't think he would mind as much if I was closer to him. I've been trying very hard to get a new job, it's not that easy.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (19 February 2015):
 This comes down to the word, "integrity" & "self-integrity", period!
You should never ask anybody for $, particularly a family member that you have no relationship, nor close connection with.
If you did, i can almost guarantee that your Grandfather would be mortified, to say the least & you'd be left feeling even lower, than you probably already feel.
Yes, you're struggling & i feel for you, as you got laid off, not your fault, however, this is your time to be even more independant & find another job, to become more financially comfortable, once again.
If you owe certain organisations $, ring them immediately & explain to them the nature of yur situation, esp if you're dealing with the bank etc;, otherwise your debts will really tally up, with added % etc;
I am sure you have your pride & your self-worth intact & in check, otherwise you'd not be asking us, to give you our personal feedback first.
Do think about this & do the right thing & spare yourself any prospective destruction of your pride & self-worth, not to mention what your Grandfather may say to you, or behind your back, if you did ask to borrow $ from him.
Have you thought about speaking to your parents? You may be able to borrow the $ that you require from them, then you can repay them, once your income becomes regular/steady.
If your parents have no actual cash to lend you, perhaps one or either of them may have a credit card that they could loan you the $ from, but that may place you & either of them in even more debt, bec of the monthly % fees, so unless you could pay mum or dad back asap, they'd then be in debt too, because of your loaning the $.
This is just an idea, but personally, i wouldn't encourage it.
If you have a v close friend, you may ask them, if you felt comfortable enough & if you have trust in each other, but still, in my personal view, borrowing $, on most occassions can cause all sorts of strife & issues.
Spend within your means always & you will be debt free most of your life.
If you have no car @ present, catch public transport to work for mths if you have no other choice, or hitch a ride with friends who don't mind helping you out.
When you do get another job, save as much & as fast as you can, even if it takes you 1 year, so you can buy a car, even if it's a 2nd hand car & not what you really wanted.
Something to get you from point A to point B.
Why do i say what i say? Because i was once in similar shoes to you, but i worked so damn hard for years, i saved for my first car & borrowed from nobody.
I worked almost 7 days a week, for 8 yrs.
Today, i reap my rewards. I am a nurse & have been for 16 yrs now & i can afford to work part-time & my parents very rarely helped their children, they wanted us to learn the value of the dollar.
Like me, i am sure you have done & are doing the same thing, but just remember to achieve everything on your own, rather than borrowing from others, even if you are short of cash.
The other serious issue about borrowing, is that it is like any vice/bad habit.
It becomes an addiction almost & before you know it, you'll be having to repay numerous people back.
I have seen it in live action & it is not funny.
I like the saying, "Things can only get better, not worse."
Believe in that & continue searching for more work, do not give up & i am sure you will reap your rewards once again too!
Good luck & keep us posted. :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (19 February 2015):
 I am sorry for your hardships right now. Most of us have been ourselves. I wouldn't rea h out to your grandfather. Most older people are wise and he will see right through you and not take too kindly to your request. You might get quite a tongue lashing if hes a fiesty guy! Try to get another job to help for awhile move in with friends etc. Can you ask your parents for any assistance? I am sorry for your trouble but I wouldn't ask your grandfather. Regardless of what others tell you its not right. You are correct. Good luck and hang in there.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 February 2015):
 I wouldn't do it.
I just don't think it's the right thing to do. Take on another side job and KEEP sending out resumes for jobs YOU DO want to work.
If he was a big part of your life, I could see asking for a LOAN, but he is a virtual stranger you share some genetic material with, so I think it would be morally wrong.
Have you talked to your parents? Can they help you out? Give you a loan?
If you want to get to know him I think you should, but NOT with an ulterior motive of "begging" for a handout.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): Stop and give this some thought. You barely speak to the man, you don't have a loving relationship with him; and out of the blue you want to ask him for money. You've gone over 20 years of your life without even trying to get to know him.
You SHOULD feel weird about it. Save yourself a possible scolding. He just may tell you where to get-off.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): I don't think you should reach out to your grandfather just to ask for money. No wonder he is distant from members of your family if they really think this is ok!
If you want to build a real relationship with him that has nothing to do with his net worth, then work on that, but do not treat him as an ATM. He does not owe you and it feels "weird" because it is wrong.
You need to live within your means even when it is hard & you have financial setbacks. Work on getting a full time position somewhere. Stay with a friend or get a roommate to reduce living expenses. Make a point to save for times such as this, when you are working full time. I know it is hard, most of us are or were in the same boat as you at some point. Just keep trying don't give up!
If you want to be closer to your grandfather, wait until you are not in financial stress and can support yourself, then start spending time with him. Invite him out or over to your place & make him a meal. Find some quality time to spend with him and see if you enjoy each other's company without financial obligations hanging over messing it up.
Good luck to you.
...............................
|
