A
female
age
30-35,
*idsummer
writes:I've been on a few dates with this guy and he has been a gentleman, very romantic etc. He tells me that he likes me over and over again and that he wants to get to know me. We have kissed and cuddled only. Now my problem/ confusion is that he just told me today that he might go out with another girl that he has been talking online since August. But he wasn't sure since he liked me.I personally think its rude of him, to be getting to know me only for a couple of days and already want to hang with someone else. I understand were only friends n he kisses me n says he likes me.What should i do????Thanks
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 September 2013):
 I think it's good that he was completely honest with you and isn't just doing this behind your back. He's being respectful enough to give you the choice of what you wish to do, now having this knowledge.
Going out on a few dates with you doesn't make you exclusively dating. Don't get me wrong, I know it's not pleasant and you don't want him to see other people. But it's common that people casually date until they are certain they want to commit to one person in particular.
At this point, it's completely up to you what you are and aren't okay with. you don't have to be okay with this. You can say no and stop seeing him. or you can continue to casually date him and see other people if you so choose and see how it goes. Like I said, at least he told you.
Only you know what you are and are not okay with.
A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (25 September 2013):
I hate to bash these dating sites that spend millions of dollars telling everyone that they have matched people with life long relationships. But in your case it might not be true.I have to disagree with my fellow aunts about continuing to see him but no sex. Tell this guy you have met three men on line and cant continue to bother with him. Pay back is a bitch dont fret over this man. Sometimes a little white lie is the exact medicine this kind of man needs. I really question the sincerity of a man who has to treat a human being like tasting samples at Costco during your lunch or coffee break. That is why i have a sneaky suspicion that he has gone to one of these on line dating sites. I know many people who have been on dating sites and most but not all relationships started there crashed and burned. Very few people are sincere and they even lie about their bio pictures and personal statistics. It is dangerous at best and all these dating sites basically say use at your own risk and they cant even bother to check up on people posting their phony pics and false facts about them selves. My advice is to move forget this loser. If you want to meet a nice man get involved in your community and get to know the people that live there. There are all kinds of organizations and clubs in your community that will afford you the opportunity to network and meet people who live there. The more people you know the better you will be and in most but not all cases you could be sheltered from potential men and people who are just selfish and self centered. Good-luck move forward .....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 September 2013):
 Can't improve on YouWish's reply... 5 stars to her. and I second everything she said.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 September 2013):
Lots of people do that, he's the rarity in that he's honest about it.
Your logic only makes sense if there's a commitment.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 September 2013):
 That's usual to date around until it's time to become exclusive. But it's extremely rare for someone to actually verbalize that fact to another girl they're dating. It's unspoken for a reason.
Actually, his saying that to you reveals his insecurity. He may have said that to gauge your feelings for him. If that's the case, it's a pretty stupid move by him to try to see if you're jealous.
In your case, sure, keep seeing him, and thank him for being honest, but NO SEX whatsoever, and the kissing and cuddling should back off too. Tell him that it's okay to see other women because you're not exclusive, but you save the physical aspect of yourself for an exclusive relationship. I actually credit him with being honest with you before having sex, because oftentimes, jerky guys will sleep with more than one woman under the auspices of "we're not exclusive".
Sex infers exclusivity, and anyone who doesn't honor that is a player. Since your guy you're seeing didn't have sex with you before being honest, that alone is worth seeing where things go.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 September 2013):
 Did you meet this guy through a dating site or something ? If so, alas, that's how the game plays. It's an often unspoken ( but in your case, spoken ) yet widely accepted rule : the basic idea is to get to reach out to a wider selection of people than you could normally have at your disposal within your social circle. So you cast your baits - or swallow theirs- , then if there are multiple takers, the competition starts and.. may the best woman ( or man ) win.
But also out of dating sites, at least among the younger generations multiple dating is often deemed totally acceptable , sort of inevitable in fact, until the well known " are we exclusive " talk. ( Although, it depends- I found out, for instance, that this multiple M.O. is almost universally applied in New York, but not at all in other less " fashionable " States . Go figure )
So, yes, technically he is within his boundaries, in fact he has been loyal , at least so you know what to expect and how to act if you go out with him again.
But, the fact that it is acceptable for some people or even most people, does not mean that you MUST accept it if you are not happy with it. I get your unease, for generational reasons : a good part of my dating experience comes from the old- or European, I call it - system where you could also date 52 people in a year with no stigma, BUT rigorously in succession. And , regardless of age, just because. I am not afraid to compete, but I want to decide when and for what. One thing is signing up for a race , another one is finding out ,like you did, that you thought you were dating, when in fact you are instead basically just interviewing for a " dating " job, with the guy who gets to see all the different resumees and assigns trial periods... pfui ! As if !
So, if you feel that " getting to know you " means getting to know YOU, i.e. investing time and energy in kmowing YOU,talking to YOU, spending time with YOU , in other words doing what's possible to see if there's something real with YOU - not with YOU and/ or half a dozen other people- don't feel bad in stating it and don't be afraid of coming off as " insecure ", " possessive ", "needy".
If you know clearly what you want and what works for you, you are instead very secure in your thoughts and goals.
I don't blame the guy for " liking " you and also liking the other girl and maybe the next one, but " like " does not mean much in practice. " Like " , for what exactly ?
I " like " Johnny Depp and I also like Jude Law and I also like Hugh Jackman, and in the very improbable evenience that they all would call me this week for a random session of kissing and cuddling, well, it would be hard to say no, and I'd probably think what's the harm in having some innocent lighthearted fun with Mr. Depp ,and Mr. Law, and Mr. Jackman.
But, in the even more improbable evenience that all said gentlemen would show up with the intention of " getting to know me " in view of hopefully having a relationship ,and being a couple if all goes well... then no, it would be unfair , shallow, - and time consuming- to keep juggling them all . I'd just pick one, - accepting the risk of missing out on the other two.
So,if what you want is a relationship, maybe an admitted multiple dater is not the best choice...
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (24 September 2013):
 I wouldn't date someone who is dating other people, even though it's becoming more and more common. I think seeing more than one person at a time is very complicated, even when it's completely out in the open.
He was honest with you at least, and I think you should be honest and tell him you're not comfortable with it. Are you happy with the idea of him going on a date with this other girl and possibly kissing and cuddling her, too? If not, move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 September 2013):
 It is not uncommon for people (these days) to date a few people at the same time til they figure out if one of them is someone they want to be exclusive with.
Seems to me that HE is doing just that.
And it seems to me that YOU do NOT date more then one person at the time. You stick with one and sees where it goes.
You are NOT "just friends" you are JUST getting to know each other. Friends don't kiss and cuddle and date. BUT you are not EXCLUSIVE yet either. So you are kind of in the "dating grey zone".
He could have not told and just dated her too. He wanted to let you know that he isn't sure about either of you. He doesn't want to miss out on either of you.
Some people are OK with multiple dates in the beginning (as in dating several people at the same time) it seems to me though, that you are not OK with it, so I would tell him. Good luck and move on.
You are both not on the same page from the get go. And maybe because I'm older, I agree that it is rude to date several people at the same time, even if it is "common" today. How can a person not feel like they are second best or third? To me dating is not test driving cars, you don't take a bunch out at the same time to see how they run.
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