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Should I end this relationship? It hurts me to end something that has so much potential and beauty to grow

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 3 April 2016)
A female United States age 30-35, *rincessjasmine writes:

Hi guys,

I'm in a dilemma. I come from a very traditional Pakistani family but born and raised in the states. I grew up wanting a Pakistani guy who looks like me and has similar values and upbringing because it's so complex and detailed.

Anyways, I am just not finding a connection with any Pakistani guys. I just don't like them. They're not my type, in fact, I'm starting to resent them a bit because I find them to be so obnoxious. Or they simply just don't know how to court a girl right. They also suffer identity issues like myself.

Anyways, I met the most incredible guy but he's black. I say but because he doesn't fit my ideal of having that perfect Pakistani guy who has similar features as mine, similar upbringing, similar struggles. If my friends chedule found them, why can't i? And yet, I've met someone better! I like him a lot. He is an amazing human being. I respect him so much, which is why this is so hard for me.

I don't want to lead him on or disrespect him so I've tried being honest and open about my hesitations to be with him. I've expressed that I don't think I see a future because he's not Pakistani.

I don't think my gut is ok with having kids that are not my race completely. I want to get over it, but I can't. I want to just let my hesitations go but I can't. My family will have a hard time with this, I will have a hard time with this. I feel selfish about him being my race and I don't want to be this way but I can't help but feel it. How will my kids look? How can I have half black kids? How will I mingle with a family so different from my own? How will our lifestyles clash?

Should I end this? It hurts me to end something that has so much potential and beauty to grow if I just let it, but how can I let go of these hesitations?

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (3 April 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI think that it basically boils down to the colour of his skin and no matter how much to try to beat around the bush, the fact is that, you are ashamed of being being with him because she's black. You mentioned in the very first paragraph that you want a guy who "looks like you". While I didn't understand this at first, I do now. You want someone fair-skinned and good-looking, who would fit in with your family and friends. You're also worried about having dark skinned children, which is almost inevitable if you marry this guy.

OP I'm not going to judge you here because we all have our preferences and you've made yours very clear. Just let him go and don't drag it on because frankly, its not going to work. The colour of his skin will always be a factor for you. Like someone else said, if he were white, you'd be more accepting.

A food for thought is that if you really loved someone, you'd accept them as they are. Black, brown, disabled...it wouldn't matter. As long as they were a good person and your values meshed, you would love them without thinking of anything else. I don't think you love this guy enough and that's reason enough to break up with him and set him free so that he can find someone who loves him unconditionally.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (1 April 2016):

I noticed that you are at least 30 years old. You are at a mature point in your life where you should have flexibility, adaptability, and good judgement.

There are too many conflicting factors affecting your feelings towards this man, and they will adversely effect the relationship.

If you enter a relationship with turmoil, that is all it will be. You have different traditions, issues with his natural traits, and fear of bearing children of mixed heritage. I am of mixed heritage, and quite proud of it!!! My parents dealt with it all, and we all had a very beautiful and loving life in spite of many differences.

Mainly because they learned that their two cultures had many things in-common when it comes to family-values.

If you have identity issues of your own, you are not a candidate for a mixed-relationship. Not in the least.

If you are Muslim, your faith objects to relationships with non-Muslims. Although my own sister married an Iranian Muslim, who converted to Christianity. He grew-up in Canada, and was educated in the United States. They met in college. He is now a naturalized-citizen of the United States. He is 46 years old, and has not been to Iran since he was 8.

They have a gorgeous daughter. My loving sister passed away from leukemia. He is raising his daughter on his own. He's a wonderful father to my niece. His family remains Muslim, but because they have become very westernized; they have adapted and accepted many changes. As long as it does not challenge or disrespect their faith. They were very kind and accepting of my sister, I might add. Yes, they would have preferred her to Muslim. However; her features allowed her to blend right in. Like the women in his family, she had the same dark hair color and olive complexion. It really made no difference to my sister. She didn't care whether they liked her or not. She was a go-getter. She knew who you loved and that was all that mattered to her. Period!

You have too many what-ifs and concerns. I think it's best to move on and not put this young man through all this. He is no doubt becoming attached, and the longer you lead him on the more difficult it becomes for him. Get your head straight and stop stringing him along with all that nonsense going on in your brain.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (1 April 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt I assume you are a Muslim Pakistani ? ( Yes I know that there are also Christian Pakistanis, but since they are about 1% of the population, mine is a reasonable assumption ).

In this case, I am surprised that you focus so much on race and so little on religion. ( Unless he is a black Muslim. Same thing. There are some, but not many, statistically speaking ).

If you are a Muslim woman, you know that you are only supposed to marry a Muslim man. I have seen and heard of very very few exceptions to this rule, and only in families that ,in practice, after emigrating to Europe, had totally westernized and ditched their religion too.

But you say that your family is very conservative and traditional, so I suppose they are such in religious matters too ?...

So how would you pull it off, without turning asunder your family, friendships, community , social life and alienating yourself from it all ?..

Not that I mean to discourage interracial or interfaith marriages, perish the thought.

Just saying , be careful and think it over very well before you make any move. This new guy sounds perfect and exciting and special , maybe ALSO because he is new and all new things are exciting and appealing . Who knows if he is worthy the struggles, and the consequences, you'd have to face.

On the contrary, if you already know that you are not a fighter, and are not prepared to the changes you'd see in your lifestyle and relationships.... then do not string him along . Set him free and avoid a waste of his ( and your ) time which would only end in mutual resentment.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2016):

Of course you should have a partner with similar values and sure your relationship might be easier if he comes from a similar culture/background. But whether the guy is black, white, or any other shade of the rainbow should have no bearing on your relationship whatsoever. If you don't see a future with this guy, then don't string him along; but either way, I suggest you widen your social circle a bit to include people from other backgrounds (i.e. not just Pakistani)

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (1 April 2016):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

i am going to be totally blunt here.

Your hesitations, are primarily encircling around the fact that this guy you like, is "black".

Even if he's not Pakistani like you, but he were "white", i have a strong feeling you'd be much more "accepting" and "accomodating".

Is it at all possible, that you are somewhat "ashamed" of this guy?

All i know is that, when two people love one another and want to be together, who cares what the immediate family think, nor anybody else for that matter!

It's not as though you are dating an abuser, a dead beat or a serial killer is it?

I wouldn't throw this away too soon.

Give yourself a bit more time and if you still feel exactly the same way, then approach him, sit him down, do right by him, be honest with him and tell him.

If you know it cannot and will not work, then tell him and stop leading him on and wasting his precious time, because you know what?

YOU wouldn't like him doing this to you, would you?

Most women hate being led down an empty path and i can almost guarantee, that you're one of these women, so what gives you the right to do the same to him?

You should have enough strength of character and courage to stand by your man, if that is truly what you want, not place somebody in the back seat, whilst you decide what you want, because you're so fearful of what others may say.

Give this amazing sounding guy, a chance to fall in love with the RIGHT WOMAN, so you decide and decide quickly!

Don't give this guy any more false hope and break his heart after breaking up with him.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI think you should end it. And do it quick.

It's not fair on him. He is who he is and you apparently can't love him for NOT being what you "think" is the right partner for you. Why you even dated him in the first place with your (pardon for being blunt here) narrow mind.

I get traditions etc. but I don't understand your attitude.

Let him go, let him find happiness with someone who can embrace him for who he is. ALL that he is. Warts and all.

And maybe try and find that "perfect" guy through family and friends.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (31 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI can understand that you come from a traditional family and that is always what you have wanted for yourself. Believe me their is nothing wrong with that. It is up to us what we do with our lives. However you do mention that you don't seem to click with any Pakistan guys you have met, you find all off them obnoxious? Am sure that is the group you have met and not every guy that is Pakistan. When you say you suffer identity issues would you like to expand more on that? Like are you unsure where you come from? Who you are meant to be? Remember life is forever a learning curve and we are all learning as we grow older. We all make mistakes in life, but it is these mistakes that make us who we are and learn who it is we want to be.

Okay so you have met a black guy, and it sounds like you are scared because you have went against everything that you believe in. You have a genuine connection? Are you attracted to him? Can you see a future with him? If the answer is yes well then you should talk to your family about your worries and fears, it is also good that you have been honest with him about your fears. That will make things stronger as you are not pretending. If you think that he is better than any Pakistan guy in your head, well then surely that is enough to know you want to be with him? Sometimes we make up this perfect image of who we want to marry, but it does not always work out that way, as it is a mental image, a fantasy in your head. No matter what background someone comes from, we all have struggles in life, therefore am sure he has had his own, plus your life partner doesn't need to be someone who is just like you, different people sometimes share more.

If you think your gut is not okay with wanting to settle down with this man and marry him and have his children well then yes I suggest that you let him go so that he can find someone who does see a future with him. To me it should not matter what race someone is, either you want to be with them or you do not. If race is very important to you well then yes let him go and accept that you should not go out with anyone who is not Pakistan if that is what you want deep down. You ask how would you mingle with a family so different from yours but being different does not mean being difficult it just means learning to understand each other and each others background.

Honey only you can make this decision but you need to make up your mind as you cannot string along this guy if you do not see a future. So maybe sit down and talk to him again and talk to your family and then make a decision.

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