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What do I do? My BF refuses to stop talking to a girl he had a crush on before meeting me.

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2016)
A female United States age 36-40, *CB writes:

So I moved in with my boyfriend in the end of OCT . It was love at first meeting and a very quick move in together. He moved me in on his birthday of all things and said I was the best birthday gift ever. Well since then Ive had to wade through remains of his ex wife and her son, and a many other remains of gfs since he divorced her , sex videos, texts on his old phone to girls he said he had never had interest in but certainly seems like he was interested telling them "hed make them feel good" . Well he even had one of his fuck buddy girls texting him that just because he has a girlfriend doesn't mean they cant hang out .. well I messaged her on facebook and basically told her to F*** off and then when that happened the girl texts my boyfriend and he blows up at me and makes me miserable same with his ex wife texting shes in town on Christmas and wants to visit and when he tells me Im like what the hell would she want to visit for if she knows Ive been living her for 2 months ( at that time) well he said she didn't know which I find odd since they were facebook friends and texting ..

SO NOW TO THE POINT .. he has another girl he was dating a month before I moved in and I found on her facebook page a picture of the road to out neighborhood and asked him why she had that picture and come to find out the fricken girl livs 3o seconds around the corner now he didn't mention that when I asked why her number was in his phone or why they were friends on facebook. so this girl had a fiancé she had been cheating on that baught her mothers home for her and her two kids and she home schools so she does nothing but get supported and sit on her butt and flirt with my man on facebook and call him . well ive called her and she said since they didn't have sex she wouldn't stop talking to him because they were friends and my boyfriend has threatened to BREAK UP WITH ME for saying I don't feel comfortable with this relationship going on when her fiancé told her not to talk to my boyfriend and ive asked the same of my boyfriend they are mentall masterbateing each others egos !!!! So since now things are getting increasingly worse no matter what I do clean the house , laundry , 3 home cooked meals a day , got a new job ( since he did tell me I could have a break from working but its been nothing but cleaning up after many women mind you he had 25 womens numbers in his old cell phone before he smashed it because I said something about it )Ive done everything possible because I love him but the disrespect I feel and anger I feel that he treats me badly and tells me that he wont help with my simple bills ( cell, insurance wont even help with my carnote) in this transition from one life to another and new job. I want to contact the girls fiancé and tell him that even my boyfriend says all they talk about is her complaining about her fiancé and I don't doubt my boyfriend is making up stuff to complain about me to her. PLEASE ADVICE SHOULD I TELL HER MAN WHAT SHES DOING WHAT SHOULD I DO ???? THANK YOU

View related questions: a break, christmas, crush, divorce, ex-wife, facebook, flirt, fuck buddy, has a girlfriend, his ex, moved in, text

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (1 April 2016):

Girlfriend, what will it take for you to see this is five months of hell; and you should-bail out before you catch on fire?

There is far too-much female-activity in this playa's life!

Baby-mama drama only complicated even more by old f*ck-buddies who still hit him up on FB; and surely they text him when you're not around.

Exactly WHAT are you hanging on to? He threatened to breakup with you because of what one of his bimbos told him.

Serious1y?!! I mean...seriously, girlfriend?!!

Is your ego such that you don't want to feel pushed out by the other females? You're standing your ground to show you are willing to fight for someone who is on their side? Guess what? You were never part of their clique. You're an intruder!

Get your own place, and a guy who's available. You moved-in too fast and fell too fast. Thus a lesson well-learned! You should know better, my dear! You're an intelligent and mature woman. No man is worth such aggravation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2016):

Your bf is a complete idiot. Move out of his house and move on with your life without him. Just stop it all now because carrying on will just lead to more and more hurt - and currently the only person seeming hurt in all of this is you. Escape now and take it as a lesson learnt to not move in with someone so quickly and take time to find out their "baggage".

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (1 April 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntHe has crammed five years of being an arsehole in to just 5 months of living together. Fuck him off ASAP then tell Miss 30 seconds around the corner than since you haven't slept with her partner that ain't gonna stop you talking to him by telling him what she's been up to. Walk away and leave them to wallow in their own mess.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (1 April 2016):

Ciar agony auntI was unable to get through all this. Like Honeypie says, get your own place and leave this guy far behind you. Don't even keep in touch with him as 'friends'.

I don't trust him not to make things messy, so don't give him any warning. Just find a place, gather up your things when he's at work and leave. Then block and delete him.

Confronting the other woman, or women, just makes you look desperate and foolish. Never fight for a man, especially one like him. If you have to compete, it's because you don't really have him.

He's a loser who hangs out with loser women. Don't be one of them.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntFind a place of your own, move out and forget this loser.

THAT is my advice. I will elaborate on WHY I give you that advice below.

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YOU are doing the "classic woman being cheated on routine". You are blaming the women he cavorts with, not him and not yourself either. YOU need to accept some blame in this mess too.

You were SO in love with the idea that THIS guy was a good one that you ignore ALL the red flags.

You are in your late 30's yet couldn't be bothered to use some common sense when it came to this guy. You REALLY should have, because now you are stuck in a relationship where you LIVE together, depend on each other, but it is a huge mess and making you miserable.

You say it was "love" at first meet. I will say it was lust and infatuation at first meet. Your man is GOOD with words (I bet) and knew JUST what to say to charm your pants off and charm you to move in with him.

He wasn't looking for a long term partner. He was looking for a housekeeper who also put out, and put up with his shenanigans. And he got that in you.

And what did you get? You got a guy who has 25 women's numbers in his phone for when he feels horny or needs an ego rub. A guy who undoubtedly cheated on many of his past "girlfriends". A man who ACTS like a confirmed bachelor, but like the idea of a woman to take "care" of him at home. As long as... she doesn't point out his faults.

So here is the thing. Contacting his "former" f-buddy or ANY other woman, even the ex's fiance IS NOT going to make him behave. HE is not going to change. He is NOT going to be the great you you imagined he could be.

Why do you think ALL the other women who have lived with him, or been with him left? *hint* because they discovered he wasn't some great prize of a man. And now you have discover that for yourself as well.

He isn't there for you. He doesn't WANT to help you with bills. (which by the way, I can't see why he should, but I digress).

You are IN this mess because you didn't WANT to take the time to get to know him and his past BEFORE moving in.

Asking you to move in was NOT some grand gesture of love. It was CONVENIENT for him. Because now he has someone who cooks, cleans, does his laundry, does the shopping and generally take care of him and HE doesn't REALLY have to put forth any effort with you.

So accept that your BF is a "player" who likes having you around NOT because he loves you and respects you, but because he WANTS to be "taken care off". It's cheaper to have a live-in GF than hiring a cleaning lady/housekeeper. YOU have proven that to him.

Come on. All this anger... at these other women, it's absolutely misplaced.

You can't "fix" this by loving him "better" or doing things for him "better". And you can't "fix" this mess by lashing out of the other women HE chooses to KEEP on his life.

THIS IS WHO he is. A player, a selfish he-whore, who doesn't give a crap about anyone BUT himself.

I know you might be angry at yourself as well for getting into this mess, so DO something PRODUCTIVE about it. Get of your bum. Don't waste more time, effort, money, love, care, attention on this guy. LOVE yourself more.

Which leads me back to my advice.

Find a place to live (room-mate situation or whatnot), move out, block his dumb cheating bum from your life and MOVE on.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (31 March 2016):

chigirl agony auntOMG, your solution is to tell on the other woman! Really? You have a cheating boyfriend, lady, time to face the shit and decide whether you want it or not. I think it is evident from your post that this is not what you signed up for. You love him? So what? Love is not enough to save a relationship and nor is is any reason to stay when things are this messy.

He has no business chatting up exes and former fuck buddies or "friends" who he want to "make feel good". That's not friends, give me a break, both you and I know it.

This is the deal, this is him, If he stops talking to the woman next door (who btw probably does a lot more than sit on her ass, but I'll let you have that one given the circumstances), he will be texting and sexting other women instead! Like you said, he had some 20+ women on his phone readily available when you moved in, just taking one and one woman away from him will not change anything. By now he probably has a new and secret phone since he smashed the old one, and has it filled up with some 20+ new women.

Walk away, honey. This isn't going to get better.

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