A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So heres my story:Ive been with my girlfriend for nearly 4 years now, im 20 now and she is 10 months older, and have been with her since i was around 16, shes my first serious relationship. And shes the only girl ive ever slept with.We met at college and used to be really fun outgoing people, she was always happy, smiling, going out, very energetic, and had great ambitions for her life. Now its totaly different, shes very subconscious, naggy, moaning all the time, constantly accuses me of cheating, very clingy and very attention seeking which i hate.I used to be a really happy out going guy, im naturaly a flirt so im told, not that i notice, i was always with mates, going out, having fun, without being too big headed i felt like a good looking guy, but she slowly drove me down, over the last three years i have gradually been worn down that i dont see any of my mates, and never go out, i stopped bothering with my appearance because she was the only person i ever sore, i dont feel like i could attract any other girls, and it comes as a total surprise when girls say im good looking.I ended up dropping out of college for her as she was older so left a year before me (worst mistake ever) it lead to many low paid jobs, having no money, during an arguement i joined the army and was totaly commited, i passed training, and had a definate place, my life looked up,it was a high paid job as a geographical analyst in the royal engineers, but then we went back out and she made me drop out. ive recently gone back to college which i passed my course with distinctions, then took a year out for money, and will be going back in august this year (it makes me feel so stupid being 20 and still being at college). Shes totaly changed, i really really love being with her when shes in a happy mood, its very rare, but she goes mental at the slightest things, we cant make it through a day without arguing, i dont like texting her, but ring her instead, which she moans about because she'd rather drag a boring conversation out 1 line at a time throughout the whole day.She used to be suicidal, recently she goes nuts, if i threaten to go home after an arguement, she will sit infront of the door with a pair of scissors, crying, i have to wrestle them from her. I often leave after an arguement just to stop the abuse, i cant sit there listening to it.She cheated on me within the first year of our relationship, (she was cheated on in her last relationship and was heartbroken by it so i cudnt understand why she'd do it knowing the pain it caused) but it took 2 years to even get the full details out of her, it started as a drunked kiss, then told me it was oral, then a few months later she told me everything. I was heartbroken but i loved her so forgave her, i do tend to bring it up in arguements which i know isnt fair on her as i said i was over it.every few months i find out something new shes done to hurt me, she sends nude pictures to guys, texts lads behind my back, always on nights out ending up being around lads, we argue about these things, split up for a week then i go back to her like the lost puppy i am ( i know i only have myself to blame)she doesn't respect me at all, she always has an excuse for what she does. shes ALWAYS right, if i disagree with anything or try to put my point across normally she goes off on one and turns it around to be my fault.I used to absolutely adore her, now im having my doubts, i feel like i do love, her, but is it because shes all ive ever known. I cant bring myself to hurt her, im not that kind of guy, ive had lots of opertunities to cheat but cant do it, even when we were on a break for two months i met a girl who really liked me and we nearly ended up in bed, but i knew how much it would hurt my gf if she found out so i didnt do anything and left, and no longer speak to this girl.Shes lost all motivation for a career, she has a low paid sales position for very few hours a week, gets roughy £200 a month, i earn £1100 and slog my guts out doing a crap job, taking any overtime possible to make it up. At the end of the month she spends her money on herself and i end up with nothing, im living in my overdraft for over 2 years because she has expensive tastes, (my overdraft is only 1500, but i cant pay it because she always demands me to take her everywhere, costing me both for the event and the fuel costs) if i refuse she sulks, and we argue. I want to do well in my life, get fully qualified and live it up, i dont think it can do it when im around her, she drains the life and energy out of me.She sulks about me being at work, saying its changing me, she'd rather me be on the dole spending ever waiting second with her, she hated me being at college aswell.She checks my phone, emails, everything, if i refuse i must be a cheat recently ive changed all passwords and never leave my phone near her because im sick of it.Shes always wanting to eat junk food and crap, i was in great shape when i joined the army, but now im unfit, ive recently decided to shape up again as i feel fat, she sees this as an insult like im trying to attract other girls.The thing i most hate about her, and it really winds me up is she non-stop accuses me of cheating, any female in the area no matter what they look like i must fancy and instantly want to have sex with, this means we cant go anywhere at all together. I took her to cleethorpes once and stopped at a zebra crossing, a women wearing a very short skirt walked across and she argues all the way home, always ending in tears, always me apologizing for something i havent done. I have to look at the floor wen we go out to avoid arguments. Ive been out twice on a night out with mates in the 3 years we've been together, and one of them she turned up out of the blue to check up on me. Im sick of it all now, i cant even be bothered speaking to her when she sulks, i turn my phone off and ignore her for a week, and its the best week of my life, i dont even miss her, its just great for a bit of peace, then eventually shes appears and forces her way back into my life. Im very very close with her family, (i dont get on very well with my own) i get on very well with them all, this is the main reason i dont want to leave her, i like her family more than her.ive recently been texting a female friend,shes 18, we both have partners, and said we'd never cheat, but often swap flirty messages, we both fancy the pants off each other, we text untill very late in the morning. and i go round to her house every now and again to hang out (nothing happens as were only friends). If my GF found out it would hurt her incredibly, but she has done this a lot to me and i miss the excitment and passion i used to have with her, my friend has made me realise there are other girls out there that can make me feel this way. Its my GF 21st soon, shes very excited, and i dont want to dump her before as it would break her heart and i think she would do something stupid.I wait on her hand and foot as i used to think she deserved it, now ive realised i dropped myself in it doing that as i'm expected to do everything now.if i refuse then the insult i get is, "you've changed, you're not the guy i first fell in love with, are you cheating on me?" To be fair to her though, she does tell me she loves me all the time, when she's happy shes very nice to me, texts me a lot, sometimes buys me presents, offers to take me out for meals (but i always end up paying and driving), it just feels like shes trying to make up for the bad things she does.i love being with her when she's in a good mood, she's like my best friend, and i wouldn't want anyone else, but it doesn't last very long. I don't know if i love her and couldn't hurt her by telling her. i dont want to be with her anymore.i want her to dump me, but i can't get her to, without doing something to upset her which i won't do (maybe i should grow some balls?)I know i've written a lot, but it feels good to get it out, thankyou to anyone that has took the time to read it all and posted a reply. Hope you can help.
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a break, ambition, at work, best friend, cheated on me, drunk, fell in love, flirt, heartbroken, money, nude pictures, split up, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, nichol +, writes (30 July 2011):
I can't belive your story, I am in a very simular situation, I know how you are feeling! I can't belive I have just read that, I was thinking it was just me in my head, it is bery hard. I'm never out either always in or workin a shity job. Hope you have sorted thing out.
Right back soon, would love to share thoughts
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2011): You need to EXIT this relationship ASAP. Do NOT stay with her more than a few weeks after her 21st... do NOT marry her (sounds STUPID, but guys do this all the time!) Break it off and move on. You deserve someone who is more your equal. Killing yourself at a shit job for 5 to 10 years before you decide to dump her would be a waste of your life! Been there!
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (19 March 2011):
 The right woman for a man is the one who makes him believe in himself that he can do anything, reach for the stars and grab them.
You like being with her because she makes you happy even when you're not doing anything special. She makes you feel good about who you are as man and as a person.
This girl makes you feel bad about yourself and is sabatoging your dreams for the future. Obviously, then this is not the woman you want or deseve for a life partner.
You need to get out of this. So if you are finally ready then do it. But I don't believe in prolonging the pain. A clean cut heals better than a slow tear in my opinion. And from what you describe here this girl could drag out your break up for a year with her tendency for the dramatics. So if you do leave her, you must convince her that it is final, for good, no second chances.
Let her know that you are not going to change your mind no matter what she does. Because she will sense any sign of weakness in you if you waver in the slightest and will use whatever she can to make you feel sorry for her and keep you from moving on.
So if she threatens to hurt herself in anyway, just call the cops and let them take her into protective care. But you have to stay out of it and away from her.
It is probably going to be pretty tuff on both of you until it's over, but just remember it's your life you are fighting for.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (19 March 2011):
 Wow. That is a lot to get out. It is basically a pretty accurate and typical overview of a relationship that doesn't work - mainly because your girlfriend in this case is incredibly demanding and difficult. People often write about men being difficult, but women can also be a total pain in the neck - as you, unfortunately, have found out.
Ok. You're right: this isn't how it should be. You can't put up with this for long. You need to get out. But how?
One method (probably the kindest) is just to gradually withdraw from her more and more, kind of weaning her off you, until she herself dumps you/finds someone else. It takes time, but it's the way of doing it that hurts least. Well, hurts by small degrees rather than one big rip. Basically, you had bonded with each other, and un-bonding is tricky. But it can be done - and is done, all the time.
So: unbond. Retreat slowly. Wait until she is so bored/annoyed/not really bothered by you that she looks elsewhere.
Or, just tell her, and take the fallout. I don't like this scissors, etc, business, though. It is dramatic and silly, but I guess you wouldn't want to feel she had hurt herself because of you.
I think I would try the gentle method first, then review it after a few months. If you can stand it.
I admire you for explaining all of that. She is abusing you, really - it is horrible, and so bad for you. Save yourself. You sound like a nice lad.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 March 2011):
 The question title is too short to describe her merely as moody.
What's wrong with dumping her? Do you wait till she breaks things in your house, steals your money, hide your keys, make you lose your only job?
Talk to her parents because she can't be at your place anymore. You can do that before you get bruises on yourself.
When I read all this I thought to myself, enough about her already. You are letting this drag on and on. The script is getting boring, I mean not your writing but your life with her is getting old. You don't need any more of this experience. It's time for something new. New life new partner.
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A
female
reader, StarryEyes101 +, writes (19 March 2011):
 You know what? She sounds exactly the same as my brother's gf. Let me tell you something. She will NOT harm herself. It's a way of trapping you. A very stupid little girl thing to say. I'm 20. And i've never even thought of saying it to anyone! Like ur gf she is the moodiest person i have ever met and then at times she is full of giggles then other times i want to punch her in the face. My brother NEVER goes out. He's 18. He has to answer his phone the first time she calls or else he's having sex with someone. I bought him a birthday card with breasts on it. She ripped it up. Like i say to him... Everyday (Cause he ain't happy with her). Leave her. Cut off all contact with her. She won't grow out of it! She needs someone to stand up to her and tell her what she's doing to you. Tell her in a public place so she won't try anything stupid. She will slowly ruin your life and you sound like a decent guy. You don't need her dragging you down.Go be fit, look at girl's butt's, boobs and legs. Go out with your friends. Cause if you stay with her, you will lose them all.I really hope you get out of this. And i hope this helps
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A
female
reader, NadgerBadger +, writes (19 March 2011):
I know it is easier said than done but it sounds like you need to dump her and move on. No offence, but she sounds awful! Are the mood swings to do with some sort of illness or is she just like that? I can understand you not wanting to leave her before her 21st though, especially if you think she might do something stupid. I think if possible, you should just be friends with your girlfriend. You said you really enjoy being with her when she's in a good mood, you could still hang out with her as mates maybe? At the end of the day, your happiness comes first and it sounds like you've done a lot for this girl and I just think it's time you move on and get on with your own life, and not let her drag you down.
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