A
male
age
41-50,
*aarde
writes:Hi :)I've been seeing the lady for 5 months now. She is 41, 2 kids separated for 3 years and her life is upside down - no job, bankrupt and mentally exhausted but an amazing women. She is trying to get out of it and probably will but who knows. I'm also divorced since 3 years with 2 kids but I put my life back together.We hit it off and I'm into her but she has always been maybe girl, not yes not no. Every 2 weeks or so we don't speak for 5 to 10 days because she feels stifled she says.Our kids met and love each other and us, we met each others parents and families, our friends are friends now, we make amazing love and stuff but everything is more or less one sided in conversations and doing things for each other.When we take time away, she always comes back and says she missed me and cares deeply about me, doesn't want to hurt me etc...She also says that she doesn't know how she will feel tomorrow and when I tell her that she's just not that into me and we should move on she wants to see me and make love to me.We do things together that only families would do and we have a great time, and she tells me that she loves doing those things with me and the kids.She also says she's 16 in her head.My question is should i just see her not often and play the distant guy or should i just break it of again (3 times I've broken up with her telling her that shell never love me and that she should go find her own guy but she always comes back) and never answer her emails, calls or text messages again ever and just move on.I think I should date her not often, no kids involved and try to start seing other women (but my heart isnt into it)maybe then she'll realize what shes got.Thanks
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  + ♥, writes (21 November 2009):
 The only thing that concerns me is that she's still visiting the online dating site.
That's creepy. If she's got you then what? Is she looking for more options?
Would she feel all comfy if you were on the same online dating site hitting on her and several other women at the same time?
Maybe you ought to set up a new ID, then wink her or send her whatever email or communication, and then see if she bites. If so, play her a bit. Then fill her in on your new plan: keeping your options open too.
Seriously I don't get this, other than she's saying she loves you and is simply leading you on.
I feel bad for you because if she eventually dumps you or starts seeing other people without your knowledge, then what?
A
male
reader, kaarde +, writes (18 November 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been feeling insecure for the last few days. She has her stuff to do to get her life back on track and is tired at night (so am I) so we havent seen each other monday tuesday wednesday. I didnt call her, she called me. She still visits the online dating site but her best friend told me that what we have is special to her and that she hasnt seen other guys. I want to make plans but she cant seem to. I feel like I cant tell her how I feel because I might come off as to needy or insecure. So I try to act independent, I try to let her come to me and stuff. Its all so conveluded and immature. Maybe I should just let go but then I think I should hang in and let things evolve to a place where she realises that she does in fact love me. She told me she loved me twice but again said that she had made herself a promise to have omph in her next relationship, sort of like love at first sight with the butterflies and all. That seems to be dissipating in favour of her missing me and caring about me. Aquarius is such a weird sign....
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 + ♥, writes (18 November 2009):
Its one of those things. Maybe she saw what she was losing? Maybe she didn't know what she had?
It could also be she's cake-eating. That is dangling you on the end of a string while going out and having the time of her life.
In either event my friend I would still advise that you should be cautious.
Truth is if she thinks she might lose you, then that's a signal to her that she's going to have to work on earning your love and respect every day; probably for a very long time.
The fact that you stayed out of contact with her, and didn't answer her right away, probably told her that she was hurting you and you were telling her, without any words, that she's probably history.
I think if you want to keep her, then when she starts getting out of line, just cut contact. If she thinks she's losing you again, she'll work on it.
She just wants her cake and she wants to eat it too. Not unusual for someone 16 in her head. After all, 16 year old girls love having the universe revolve around them. Why would she be any different?
As I said, tread cautiously. If she could hurt you before, she can hurt you again. Leopards don't change their spots that easily without a new paint job.
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A
male
reader, kaarde +, writes (17 November 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince my last post she broke-up with me. She then tried to contact me 3 times and I didn't answer. Finally she got pissed because I wasnt answering her. We met up and it was great. A few days later she had a jealousy fit because I was chatting with her best friend online, she thought I was looking for a backup plan if we didn't work out. I finally sent her flowers with a note saying "you're the one" and from that point on we have been very tight. Its great. I dont get it but things seem to be happening...
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A
male
reader, Markingbad  +, writes (24 October 2009):
 They allways say they dont want to hurt you when they are hurting you and know they are going to hurt you more.
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A
male
reader, kaarde +, writes (23 October 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince my last update, we went out and talked for hours. She said crying that she was afraid of loosing me to another girl and also that she loved me. We have been seeing each other regularly since, went on a weekend trip that was great. She invited me to her friends BDay party, planned kids activities and even organized a Halloween party with her and my friends at my house. She said that she was still scared of hurting me but decided to not focus on the future but to live this relationship. Its still weird to me. Its like every time she gets closer. I still long for her to tell me nice things but its not in her personality. She cooked dinner for me and that was simply amazing...I still want more but am resigned to play this out and see where it goes. Am I a fool?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2009): She says she is "sixteen in her head". Always listen to what people say about themselves.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 + ♥, writes (9 October 2009):
Well pretty much what you've updated here tells me the same thing I saw before. She's regressed to her teenage years. She wants to be popular, a high school drama queen, etc.
I'd say she's still very immature for her age. What you're in love with is youthful vigor that she exudes. But she sounds extremely careless and likely has few real feelings for anyone but herself.
I'd advise tread with caution. As you said, live your life. Party with her if you like. She sounds like a good time. But I would not bet on long-term prospects with someone like this.
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A
male
reader, kaarde +, writes (7 October 2009):
kaarde is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also forgot to mention that shes on 3 dating sites and spends time cruising online. Also she is a huge attention grabber in parties, she flaunts and teases relentlessly, all for fun but I find the bubbly thing is very immature and bizarre.
My family, friends and sister in law all tell me that they are surprised I would go for such a person and that she will only end up hurting me cuz shes not into me.
Also, I cant seem to get her off my mind and it really hurts not having her be mine but those are my issues.
Some friends tell me to let her go and move on, others say give her lots of space, relax live your life and let her come to you.
My head says run, my heart says stay, wait and be patient, let her live what ever she has to live and in the end if she grows out of this phase and really loves me she'll come to me.
I cant seem to leave her and only do things in the hope she will realize how great we are together.
I figure let the door open but live my life so that if in 3 months or 1 year she wants me for real at least we have a connection.
She is the most beautifull women I have ever dated and in the past 4 or 5 months her innerbeauty has captivated me more that her looks.
Am I living in a dream world here!!!!
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (6 October 2009):
 I hate to keep tagging back cuz it makes me look nutty, but read Jainey Y. The rest of us danced around things, her answer is where the reality lies.
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A
female
reader, Nightingale +, writes (6 October 2009):
 Maybe another time or other circumstances but right now it is not the right time. Maybe for you but not for her.
Her first priority should be her children not seeking out love. ( I am sorry if that sounds harsh). She is not together enough to care for her and her family let alone add a man,a relationship, and it's ups and downs.
She is dragging you along because at this point she probably does not know what else to do. She needs to get herself together from what it sounds like.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (6 October 2009):
sorry no career for her.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  + ♥, writes (6 October 2009):
 Seriously.....you are being used. You are providing moral and emotional support for her while she's going through difficult times. I'm going to be harsh here....... she's separated 3 years but not divorced yet, no job, bankrupt, emotionally unstable. Need I go on? Do you need written proof from her ex about why their marriage broke down, or are you just willing to take her word for it? I bet he doesn't think she's an amazing woman - I bet he thinks she's a drain and a taker. You sound like a nice guy, so find yourself someone worthy of you, someone who isn't spending their life obsessing over themselves and pretending that they're trying to get it together when they're so not. Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (5 October 2009):
You have kids she has kids. Right on the beam.
She has a career you have a career. Bingo. Straight as an arrow.
You are recently divorced she is recently divorced. Sounds like it's still doable. Cha-ching
Family check.
Friend's check.
Sex and sex..check and check.
You and her having real face time. Schprongggggggggg. Houston we have a problem. Do you want me to go on?
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 + ♥, writes (5 October 2009):
Finances, kids and fantasy lives all get in the way of a really good relationship.
She says she's 16 inside, which tells me that she's far too concerned about herself, and perhaps her children to be that into you right now.
However, she doesn't want you to go and she doesn't want to lose you.
Right now, in her mind, the two of you are the king and queen of the prom, but not marriage material yet.
That said, you can continue this way, you can help put her back on her feet enough so she can devote herself to you, and then be into you; or you can tell her you don't want to be exclusive to her and you want to start seeing other women until she decides what she wants.
Its a difficult choice of course because only you know what she's like deep down, well at least you have a better handle on it than anyone on the outside would.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (5 October 2009):
No, don't start dating another woman. The woman in your life now is clearly wanting to go slow because of her break up. Why don't you sit her down and talk to her about how she feels about the relationship and where she'd like it to go?
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