A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So my girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years and things for the most part seem to be going great. I even bought a ring a few months ago with the intent to propose on our anniversary now 1 month away. Here's the problem. She started a new job 10 months ago and I know her new boss is flirting with her. He sends her text messages at 10 or 11pm at night and although she deletes most of them I've read a few. He calls her "sunshine" and says other innapropriate things nothing too suggestive but definitely more than just friendly professional talk. What should I do? I don't think I can approach her and talk about it at least not yet. Sad thing is he met me and knows she has a boyfriend. It's taking all my strength to hold this in but I don't want to act prematurely and or over react. First some background on us, about 8 months ago (2 months into her new job) she and two of her “new friends” (both much younger) from work decided to go out clubbin. At first I didn’t mind and thought it was good for her to get out, but it turned into a every other weekend thing. We always go to church on Sundays (were Christians) and her Sat. night partying brought her home at 3 or 4am shitty drunk!!! Needless to say I was concerned mostly because she drove home completely wasted and second because this was not normal behavior for her. I think anybody would be curious if there significant other changed there behavior dramatically especially if it meant late nights drinking at the club. I tried to ask her what was going on to get her to talk to me but got nothing out of her. Also I noticed her behavior the next day after clubbin was quite different too. She always wanted to be close to me and often initiated sex, I somehow felt it was out of guilt from what she had done the night before but who knows. She would come home stumbling and pass out and that’s when it happened. I heard her phone vibrating at 3am and knowing she was in a appletini coma I decided to take look. I dint’ find much but I knew some guy was texting her, later that morning she deleted it and my suspicion grew. So long story short I did confront her about this and she wouldn’t tell me a thing, in fact after 3+ years living together she broke up with me. She moved out and we didn’t talk for a few weeks. Eventually she called and I insisted if we were to get back together that we needed to get some counseling or I wouldn’t consider it. Well we did and it seems like the counseling worked but she’s always denied that anything happened those nights she was out and that the text message was just from a friend. Our relationship blossomed in ways I never thought possible and we are closer now that ever before except for one thing. Yep you guessed it I still check her phone sometimes because of what happened, I can’t help it. I know I shouldn’t but that whole experience was actually really traumatic on me. I should also mention that she broke up with me the day after my grandmother died. So here we are today and I’m reluctant to ask her for obvious reasons. My biggest fear is that I might be blowing this whole thing out of proportion for nothing. I mean what do you think? Is him calling her “sunshine” and flirting really all that bad? I seem to think it isn’t but it defiantly leads me to believe that this could progress further if she doesn’t put a stop to it. I’m violating her trust two ways if I confront her about this, one for going through her phone and two for not trusting her to have control over this relationship with her boss. I’m confused. I’d like to just take my time in making this decision this time unlike the last time I accused her of something unfounded. If she is cheating emotionally or physically people tell me that you should wait until you have indisputable proof before doing anything as cheater have a way of becoming more deceptive one they know you’re onto them. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
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anniversary, broke up, christian, drunk, flirt, get back together, grandmother, has a boyfriend, moved out, she has a boyfriend, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (6 September 2007):
 This is not about you, it's about her. She is getting the texts and not setting the right boundaries. You have every reason to be unhappy. She has not put her foot down with the boss and leaves you in the dark.
She has allowed him to put you in a subservient position and forced you to be disrespected by her boss. He knows you and your status in her life. He does not honor that.
A man was messaging her at AM. That is not appropriate...period. She should know that and be on your side. The fact you don't like it is understandable. The fact she defends it is because she has two choices, defend it as nothing or admit she's encouraging this behavior by putting up with the calls.
You're trying to be a good guy. You give her freedom and she abuses it. That is not fair. When people in relationships go out for the night, they shouldn't be having secret message sessions with members of the opposite sex.
A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (6 September 2007):
 I think that you every reason to be suspicious. If I were in her shoes I would have quickly put an end to the messages if they were not work related. If she has not told him that his behavior is inappropiate maybe she is enjoying the attention that she is getting from him. I am not saying she is having an affair but she is not making it clear to him that she is not available. You should sit down with her and express to her how you feel, without mentioning the browsing through her phone. Hopefully you will find a reasonable solution that will make both of you happy. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, pavel38  +, writes (6 September 2007):
Have you any idea if she texts her boss back ? - the fact he still texts around that time suggests she probably does, otherwise why would he keep doing it ?. It's a 'dangerous' time to text also, I could understand a boss occasionally texting a colleague earlier in the evening, perhaps to say something like "I've left an urgent file on your desk etc" but not regularly late at night.I'm a boss and also happen to fancy one of my staff. She was dating some guy afew months back and I made sure I never contacted her when I thought she was with her guy, because that wouldn't be fair on either of them. One Sunday morning at half 9 I found myself in her home town (long story, perfectly innocent) without a car and needed to get home, I didn't call her because I realised she may be in bed with him so just sent her a text, as it was she immediately called me. What I'm saying is that her boss is crossing the line and she should be uncomfortable about it because she should consider how it makes you feel.Personally I think you should mention it to her but not over-react, perhaps just by making a passing comment about it when he texts, and see how she reacts. If you make a big deal of it and it's perfectly innocent it could do more harm than good. Hope either way things work out best for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): I really think you dont trust her. Do you really want to live your life like that. Always worrying where she is and whats she's doing? It will just bring the strain back in your relationship.I think you should take a sit and think do you really love her to trust what she says? People change and are you willing to adjust to it? And just tell her how you feel be brutal and hopefully you two can come to a compromise. Or maybe it just shows you two shouldnt be together i hope you two work it outi apologise if i've offendedx
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