A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wife 19 years. We have been married for 10 years.Recently, she reconnected with an old college friend of hers. This was a girl that I knew back in the day, too, as I met my wife in college and she was roommates with this girl for the first six months we dated. She lived in a big house with two male friends (who each had their own rooms) and the two girls shared a bedroom. One reason this girl is an "old friend" and not a "current friend" is that she used to get jealous of my wife because my wife is, frankly, quite beautiful and her friend is quite a bit mousy and shy. This friend and my wife had a lot of arguments based on passive-aggressive things this girl used to say and I think in her mind thinks my wife "stole" men away from her that she was interested in (but did not have any relationship with) or got upset that when guys came over to "hang out" with them both they were really mostly interested in my wife. (I admit that describes the situation when I met my wife, although I was never anything but nice to her friend.)Her old friend (who is still single) was passing through our city (she lives 6 hours away) and spent the night with us. We all had a little much to drink and we got to talking about the things we used to get up to and her friend said something like: "Remember when you moved out of my room and into J's room and then you got pregnant by J (their roommate)? What happened with that? What a jerk!" Well, my wife had a look of horror in her face at that comment. She quietly told her friend: "I was and then I wasn't." Now, I knew that my wife had slept with this guy a couple of months before she met me. He was her "dream man" all through college and when that circle of friends decided to move in together my wife saw an opportunity. He was handsome and suave and he could have any girl he wanted. She told me (back then) that they got drunk and he kissed her and they had ended up having sex, but it was one night only and that ever since that she has nothing for hatred for the guy. I assumed it was because he told her it didn't mean anything. The two guys moved out together shortly after I started seriously seeing my wife.However, this whole thing about my wife moving out into his room for an extended period of time and being possibly pregnant was a little more than I expected. I know her "friend" was being lame and (since she never drinks) probably couldn't handle her liquor either. She's the least of my problems and I don't want to talk to her as she has a habit of not always being truthful anyway.I haven't asked my wife about that comment, but it bothers me to hear - mostly in that she was possibly pregnant and either had an abortion or took a morning after pill or something. To me that's very unsettling. It just eats at me in a primal way that my higher intellect knows is stupid, but at a low level makes me sick. It is exacerbated because my wife and I never had kids by her choice (she wanted a career.) I am thinking it's better not to ask my wife what happened or I will just freak out about it more. However, I really need help getting over this and at a base level I just cannot handle that another guy who didn't even care about her impregnated my wife.
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abortion, drunk, jealous, moved out, period, roommate, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): I love the job interview analogy: I think only here on DC do some of the Aunts believe that your past is well your past and you should not account for it!To the OP: if u do not talk to your wife it will drive u mad. I think u know she was def pregnant and that she got an abortion. You need to discuss this with her. Expect denial and lies and crocodile tears and do you live the next 19 yrs as a lie?LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): RedAthena said, "What happened was in the past. She was honest about the history with him on a "need to know" basis."
That's bullshit. You don't go to a job interview and tell your prospective boss what they "need to know" about your past. You either tell them the truth or you tell them nothing. They have the right to make up their own mind about you based on either truthful info or lack of info.
My romantic partner has no right to decide what I "need to know" about them. It's my life and I will decide what matters TO ME about their past.
If the OP's wife did not want to tell him the truth then she should have just said she wouldn't discuss it and let him make up his own mind. That is fair to both parties. Deception is not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011): That's the problem with being a liar. Your lie tends to catch up with you at the worst possible moment. Now the questions you need to ask yourself are:
Can you trust her?
Why didn't she treat her "dream man" the same way she treated you? Didn't she have a career in her mind back then?
Why didn't she tell the WHOLE truth?
Your heart has probably sank right now because you invested on a person that manipulated you. You're not the first and you won't be the last. There are still good women out there.
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A
female
reader, la petite belle +, writes (28 June 2011):
 I was kind of in this sitaution. however, I am not married but I see her point and i told my ex this over and over and over and he never understood. I had a really good male friend whom I knew that he had feelings for me, I enjoyed his company and all but he always knew that I had a boyfriend and I always reminded him. I get along with guys better than girls and perhaps that was always hard for my ex boyfriend to understand. However, this is what I used to always tell my ex "If I am with you is because I chose you!, if I wanted to go out with someone else, I would've already had the chance!, if I am with you is because I want you!!!!".... I used to always invite him with my friends! because i wanted everyone to meet him and see how happy i was.... but never wanted to... so he CHOSE to have self inflicted doubts!... don't do the same, if she's given you the chance to meet him up DO IT, MEET HIM UP! and show him why your wife chose YOU instead of him!! and put your demons to rest!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 You're not pregnant and then take a morning after pill, that's for sure. If you're pregnant the only way to not be is through an abortion or miscarriage.
Ask your wife if this bothers you, to get the story clear. But be aware that this old friend might have gotten the story wrong, it was two decades ago after all, people forget about the details and make up stories in their mind about what really happened.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): Wow, well her "friend" obviously wanted to start trouble. That was a bitch move. I had an abortion before and my current BF doesn't know because I know it would hurt him just as it hurt you and none of my friends would just casually bring it up. Now, I can see why you don't want to talk to her about it, but if it is really bothering you this bad then maybe you need to say something. It was a long time ago, so don't let it tarnish the memories you have with her. Maybe she did move in to his room and she thought they had something special when all the while he didn't really care and when she got pregnant he said he wanted nothing to do with her or the kid and so she felt she had to have an abortion. Maybe her not wanting kids with you is because she feels so guilty about it. I know I do. and if i ever have kids it will be a long time from here and a very thought out decision. You need to look at it from her point of view. And really the only way to do this is to talk to her about it. Don't ask her to go into detail, but ask her if why she hates him is because of how he reacted to the situation. It was probably a horrible time in her life. She really liked this guy and maybe he treated her like garbage in her most vulnerable time. That's what it was like for me. Her past is her own and she had a right to keep it from you for many different reasons. But now that you know I think you need to talk to her about it. At least a little or you may never get over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): I would bring it up in conversation, don't make her feel bad though, just ask her why she didn't tell you and how has she been able to hold it in all these years.
Be sympathetic and it will make it easier for her to talk about it if she feels you care and are not enraged by it.
But remember the past is the past and if you want your relationship to have a future you need to move on from this and learn to accept her faults, her past doesn't change the person she is today. good luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): I think u should ask her cause it will bother you until u do i dont think its such a big deal to the point that the past will hunt u but that friend still sounds like a hater when u come ata her with it just let her know u are curious I hope u get through this minor hump good luck
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (28 June 2011):
 I would not talk to her about the details unless you WANT to open up a can of snakes that will go all sorts of directions.
What happened was in the past. She was honest about the history with him on a "need to know" basis.
Your wife chose YOU.
You admit your feelings are currently irrational, so start dealing with the RATIONAL thoughts to anchor yourself down.
One statement that sticks out-that you and your wife are childless by HER choice. Maybe back in your mind you are irritated that this other man got to do the one thing (BY ACCIDENT/ERROR) that was never an option for you.
Let the past go. Looking for old ghosts will just bring that haunting feeling for you both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): That was a long time ago. You are just being very jealous right now, which is quite silly considering how much time passed. Things happened to girls, they get pregnant sometimes, so what? She is with you now, you -not the other guy have her. Be happy. She is beatifull, you love each othe-end of story. As for her friend, she shouldnt drink if she cant hold her tong
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