A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am completely confused about this, I was wondering if someone can give me some ideas about why this is happening.Four years ago my sister had an abusive relationship and shortly afterwards she developed an eating disorder. She almost died from this and suffered from it for 3 years. During the time she was sick, her personality dramatically changed. She experienced extreme highs and lows and I have NEVER seen anyone show as much anger and agression as my sister can. Eventually, she has begun eating small amounts again and immediately started gaining weight. This has angered her MORE and she is impossible to live with.My sister got sick when she was 17 and she's now 21. I am 24 and have stayed all these years in an attempt to try and reach out to her, to try and help and hopefully save her life. I was sure at the time she was at her skinniest, that she was going to die.When my sister was sick, she blamed my father for everything. She said he neglected her, that he didn't care, that he was unloving and it was because of him she was sick. She was SO adament it was my father's non-communicative personality that caused her illness that my mum and I believed it. This was a really hard time for my dad. He isn't the most loving father, but he's had a hard life. The worst thing he's ever done is avoid conflict.. he's not really one to face things.. every passive. Anyways, now that my sister has started gaining weight she's HATING herself more than EVER because no matter what she does and how much she exercises, she remains the same size. I have tried explaining to her that this is only the consequences of starving herself and she has to be patient with her body, but this past year, she has done nothing but lash out at me in anger. My father and I have always been the dumping ground for her anger, but it seems this past year it's all been directed at me. I have never done ANYTHING to deliberately hurt my sister in my life and I've even booked myself into therapy to try and talk about what I've been through, watching her nearly die.. trying to figure out if there may of been something I said in my childhood that contributed to her illness. My therapist says it's part of the illness she's had - to blame everyone else. Needless to say, I have turned myself inside out with worry and it all seems as though it's for nothing. She continues to hate me with a vengeance.The other night, she was in one of her LOW moods (she goes from one extreme to the other, but NEVER changes the way she treats me).. anyway this time I was in trouble for putting her clean clothes on her floor instead of her bed. As she stood there abusing me, calling me every name under the sun, I asked her - "Why do you hate me so much, what did I ever do?" My mum was also interested in hearing the answer to my question and everyone waited for a response. My sister stood there for a long time, looking at all of us nervously and then replied, "I don't need a reason to hate her.. you're allowed to wipe members of your family!"After everything I've put myself through, even having to leave my job and have Christmas off to deal with some of the stress this has caused me... I feel it's all been for nothing. It's as if she's EVIL. How can someone HATE someone SO much for no reason at all?? If we lived in a country that allowed us to purchase guns, I don't think I would be alive to type this.. she would've killed me by now.I live in a small city where I feel I have a false reputation. My sister gets rotten drunk every weekend and has hundreds of friends. She tells these people that I have LOVED to see her sick with anorexia and that I make her life hell. Her friends absolutely hate me because all she does is talk about how much of a horrible "lowlife" I am and how I take pride in her misery. It's absolutely crazy!I cannot remember the last time I lost control of my temper.. I don't consider myself to have an anger problem at all. If I'm frustrated, I go away and cry and try to talk things out with my best friend. When my sister gets angry, even over something like where I put her clean clothes.. her eyes flash with rage and she usually lashes out at me physically by wacking me over the head or smashing something in the house. She also lies, steals and it seems she blames EVERYONE for her eating problems. Recently she sent me an EMAIL out of the blue after a fight she had picked with me and in the email, she accused me of having BIPOLAR DISORDER because I'm apparently "jealous of how attractive" she is. I have recently been researching Bipolar thinking this may be what my sister has... it seems absolutely crazy that she would accuse ME of having this.. it's as if she's trying to label me with her problems! When this sort of thing happens, it makes me think I'VE gone nuts myself! It doesn't make any sense to me!The other night, after the fight over the clean washing.. I walked away ignoring her swearing and abuse but this only angered her more. She would not rest until she had me in tears as she was. She even resorted to sneaking up behind me and yelling in my ear which was so loud it made me jump a metre high. When I burst into tears and told her I thought she was crazy, she looked at me with a huge smile on her face and quickly left the room... it seems each fight ends the same. She will ONLY back down when she's emotionally demolished me.What the hell is happening to my sister? This entire 5 year ordeal is driving me crazy! I hope to have work again in the next fortnight and to get far away from this house.Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? There have been nights that I have feared she is going to stab me in my sleep after she's gotten into one of her uncontrollable rages. I had never mentioned that to anyone, but the other day I said something to my mum about it. Turns out, my mum has had the same worries - that my sister will kill me unexpectedly.My father and my sister now have a tolerable relationship and I'm sure you could guess why... my dad gives my sister money whenever she asks for it. If he says no, she steals it from him and has almost bankrupted him this past year. He won't confront her about it because he knows he couldn't face another jealous rage. If anyone knows what's happening to my sister, I would love to hear your ideas.Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2008): Thank you SO much for all your heartfelt advice.
This whole situation has reduced me to a blubbering mess and has been a HUGE blow to my already fragile self esteem.
I can't thank everyone enough for their guidance and support.
I have taken everyone's advice into account and I'm planning on making some HUGE changes in my life this year. This time I'm not going to put it to one side and think about others.. this year I plan to consider MYSELF first for a change. If I wait around for other people to care I'll be waiting forever!
I wish you all the best!
A
female
reader, IntoxicatingLastBreath  +, writes (17 January 2008):
 Wow..
Well
First thing first
She doesn't hate you..she hates herself..and what's been going on to her inside and out..it's driving her insane..so she feels the need that she has to do this to others too so she's satisfied..it's not only her with that problem then.
She's only blaming it on her family because your around and when your there she'll just take it out on you..she gets in such tempers because she's probably supressing the anger from the relationship she was in..because she would of felt helpless then, but with you she knows that she can just push you around so she's going to and it's not right, i know aswel as you it needs to stop.
You said you've been in therapy because of things, has your sister ever been to a councellor or anything? Talked to anyone about her problems? And the best person for her to open up to in my opinion is you but that wouldn't happen easily because she may just burst into another rage in your face, so it's best to handle it professionally at first.
Have you nowhere else you can stay? A friends? Get a flat of your own close to home maybe?
Because it's not good to be in fear of your life every night..it's one of the worst feelings ever.
Do you have a lock on your bedroom door you could put on? If not speak to your parents about them fitting one in for you so that you'd feel more safe.
Keep your mobile phone in the bedroom with you aswel if you have one so you always have the option of phoning the police if things get really out of hand. - It's not a bad option.
Try not to take things out on yourself..eventhough she's brain washing you into thinking your doing things to her and stuff, you know yourself it's not true..and your not the crazy one trust me.
Don't take in to consideration what her friends think of you, because you also know that what she's been saying to them is a load of lies and she's just being attention seeking.
The other thing is when she has to make sure you break down before the fights over..it just gives her a sence of control..i've done things like this in the past before and it just gives you an overwhelming feeling that your strong, able and that you've 'won' because you haven't felt that feeling before..like when she was in an abusive relationship she didn't have that power and she was being over-ruled so now she's doing the same to the people that are closest to her.
Feel free to contact me at any time
And i hope things work out
~Krissy [x]
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 January 2008):
 Do not hate your sister. Let her go.You have done everything that is possible for her and to no avail.God have mercy on her. You can keep on praying for her for a miracle .
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A
female
reader, Serinity  +, writes (16 January 2008):
 Well, good luck hon. You seem so sweet and I would hate for your sister to change you into a bitter person because of her weaknesses. If she won't get help and your parents won't make her then you should really consider moving out. You're the sibling and it seems like your the one who's had to suffer the most out of this. She is still getting her way and lying and stealing from her own family. That is not acceptable behavior and your parents should not let her get away with it. You are so young and you have so much to live for. You need to stop living your life for her and start living your own life. I wish you the best of luck. Feel free to mail me anytime if you need to chat. Love and God bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): ptownpetey87,
Thanks for the helpful advice.
Because I'm the 'sibling' most things are kept secret from me from my family, which I find spiteful because I'm involved in this no matter how they look at it.
Anyways, I do know that my parents have been to see her therapist with her. This guy SPECIALISES in eating disorders. But recently, I found a letter in her room from him asking where she was and he said he was going to contact her doctor and let her know she wasn't appearing at the sessions.
My sister knows all about the 5 small meals a day rule, as the ONLY thing she's been movitated to actually DO for herself (at my family's expense of course) is to go to Nutritionists, Dietitions and even Surgeons! They all tell her the same thing - to eat small and often and wait for her metabolism to regulate itself again. They've all advised her this takes time and patience. Time she has - the patience on the other hand is non-existant.
She's looking for a quick answer and isn't prepared to do ANY work to help herself recover.
She also sees a PERSONAL TRAINER a few times a week who continues to stress the importance of regular eating. She just won't stick to that.. or her medication.. or her therapy. The one thing she DOES commit herself to is stealing from my parents.
I hate my sister for 1000 reasons. I no longer love or care about her at all. I used to be able to try and tell myself she's still there BEHIND the illness, but I don't think there's any of my sister left.. just this dark, evil monster she's become.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (16 January 2008):
She could be schizophrenic .If she is violent , then you have to let her live alone as the hospitals will released her back after sometime. There is a danger that she will harm the other family members.
At the moment , there is no cure for this disease. The hospitals could subject her to electric shock treatments or give her medications but they don't seem to have much effects.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): WOW!
Thank you SO much everyone!
I have tears in my eyes! I can't believe how many wonderful people there are who write into this website. Thank you for taking the time to try and help me with this.
I know it seems rediculous that I'm 24 years old and have stayed living in this house all my life, but when my sister got sick, my parents refused to acknowledge that she even HAD an eating disorder and would dismiss it by telling people, "she's just a picky eater..." and other flowery phrases while they both stuck their heads in the sand.
I thought that if I stayed at home, I could keep an eye on her and crazily enough I thought that SOMEHOW I might be able to intervene if things got out of hand. I always kept an eye on what was happening in her room, under her bed, where she used to store all the food she spat out, then it was laxatives and eventually boxes of enemas. The entire time I could see this nightmare unfolding it all felt like a dream.. too horrible to be true. My sister was the cute, chubby little tomboy growing up.. now she had suddenly become more shallow and superficial than anyone I ever met.
The crazy thing is that she's overendowed with friends, whereas I only have a few close ones and I feel continously let down by people in my life.
Anyways, I'm going to reply to each of your answers since you took so much of your time to write back to me.
1ST POSTER (ANONYMOUS):
My mum often says the entire family needs help, but when I used to get upset about seeing my sister near death, my parents would call me a "drama queen" and tell me it wasn't all about me. They literally turned it around and made my concern for my sister seem selfish!
At this point I feel that if we all went to therapy she would lose it in a rage just to SEE me in the same room. My share presence seems to anger her these days.
I'm aware that everyone in the family's contributing to the situation, as my parents have let her get away with all the stealing and lying for years and it's always been easier for them to sweep it under the rug and say nothing.. then take out all their rage on me later. I've become the emotional punchbag in this house and I've continued taking it because I know I'm the most stable out of any of them and I can handle it. I'm afraid if I left home, my sister would turn on my father and he'd drop dead from a heart attack.
THATGOTHGIRL20:
Thanks for giving me another idea as to what is wrong with my sister. I'm sure that my researching it won't help HER, but it will make things easier for me to deal with it if I can learn to understand it. :)
ELLIEBELLIE:
Even though my sister has "recovered" from the eating disorder by gaining her body weight back, my therapist told me she's probably damaged her brain from the years of starving.
She may look normal and healthy now, but she surely isn't mentally.
I'm so glad to know she's not the only anorexic that's going through the mood swings. I've always been afraid she's developed something new, like the Bipolar Disorder.
You are right about the pity. I very rarely feel sorry for my sister now, those feelings of sympathy died out long ago. Now, I just feel I've been wittled down so much that I'm afraid to leave home, afraid of the unknown. I've accepted that I can't help my sister and if ANYTHING she's likely to settle down when I'm out of her sight.
Sometimes I find myself feeling such a hatred towards her for all the damage she's caused my family. Sometimes, I wish that she never recovered, because this seems the worst stage of all - I hate myself for feeling that way.. but you can understand that I've lived for this for years now and I'm tired of fearing for my safety.
She has been seeing a therapist and when she started taking anti-depressants I got a glimpse of the OLD sister.. but she quit her medication because she thought it was making her gain weight, and she stopped attending her therapy sessions.
PEORIAMAN:
I'd love to know some words I could say to get my sister to smile, but I feel it's way past that now. The only time she smiles is when she's manic and that's when she can't stop laughing.. it's actually very scary to watch and I can't figure out what 'personality' I'm more afraid of.
SERENITY:
Thanks for your heartfelt advice Serenity.
I would LOVE to get my sister hospitalised and it's come close to that, but my parents just keep on taking the crap.. and being the sibling seems to be the hardest part because alone, I can't make a difference to the situation and I've put everything in my life aside to try and do that for years.
I've been told she can't be committed unless she agrees to it herself, which will NEVER happen. My parents have called the crisis centre before when she's been out of control, but chickened out when they offered to bring someone to the house. My parents seem to have too much pride to reach out to anyone about this.
AMEN to everything else you said! I need to stop doing things for her. She does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING around the house except criticise everyone, steal and lie. She lies so much I think she believes her own.
I wasn't going to admit that I thought she was jealous of me because it sounds conceited but to be honest, that's what I have thought for a while now. She keeps lashing out at me, accusing me of being jealous which makes no sense to me. But I do think she is trying to bring me down, because she seems to be SO much more angry if I keep a calm head and walk away. She acts as if she's achieved something when she sees me finally break down in tears. I guess being around me (a person who has not changed much over the years) she realises how damaged she is.. who knows.
HELLO1
Thanks for the advice. I have tried gently talking with my parents about how I think they need to be more assertive and how they are enabling her behaviour. My sister will never be able to work and support herself in the real world if they continue to allow her to bleed them dry. Talking about my sister, even when she's not around is like TABOO in this house. My parents will lash out at me and accuse me of starting a fight whenever I try to. They say that I should KNOW she sneaks around the corner and evedrops on conversations and there'll only be a rowl if she hears me. I get called the troublemaker and told to get a life!
I try to get my dad on his own to discuss the money stealing with him, but he yells at me and accuses me of putting him on trial and implying he's an unfit father.
Unfortunately I have tried everything and played the 'shrink' for many years.
Thank you everyone. Your advice has been a huge blessing.
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A
male
reader, ptownpetey87 +, writes (16 January 2008):
 there are a lot of things to say about this article. First of all, right now, your sister needs your love... your unconditional love. It sounds like fear is comming to you and your family. You and your mother should consider consulting a theripist near you, befor talking to your sister. If the theripist sees fit, maybe have an intervention. Her anger seems to root from her eating disorders and her gaining weight with eating. Having that eating disorder for so long KILLED her metabolism. She will automaticly gain wait... even if she just only eats 500 callories a day from 0. What she needs to do if she wants to get back into a normal eating habit and still be lean isnt going to be easy. I say this because she will gain weight in the beginning. She basicly needs to reset her metabolism. Many diet places around the world/country stress small meals many times a day. My sister is very diet informative to me, she is a big rep for LA weightloss. She tells me she gets calls like this all the time. Get her on a regular eating schedule... eating healthy... 5 times a day.. small meals... this will jump start her metabolism. She will gain weight at first, but once she is started up... she will lose weight again. Its hard for me to explain by typing what needs to be done (im more of a talker than anything) but i recomend that along with your consultant of theripst ya'll should talk to a dietician or a representitve to a place like LA weightloss. they can explain it a lot better than i
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): I think your sister needs some help to help deal with whatever is going on....but not JUST her! The whole FAMILY needs help. Shes not the only one with a problem here. She may be the loud one who gets all the attention, but make no mistake, eveyrone else in the family is contributiong to this unhealthy situation. For example, your dad- you said he never confronts anything. This is a really bad thing to do as nothing ever gets solved unless you confront it. Also hes just giving into her by giving money. And not to mention that you said he isnt a veyr loving father- a father should be, those who dont have loving fathers often suffer from many issues when older, in fact pretty much anyone I know who has some sort of disorder come from a home with very un loving parent/s.
Thats not to say that your parents are to blame, its about realising what has contributed to this whole situation. Everyone should recognise what they have done, your sister, you, your father and mother. So I think you all need some sort of help and guidance, not just your sister. At some point, you have all allowed her to get away with this unacceptable behaviour.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (15 January 2008):
 Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells? Look up Borderline Personality Disorder. There are some books on it and maybe a few free ones in your local library. It gives the four different types of ways people with this disorder try to manipulate others.
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A
female
reader, elliebellie +, writes (15 January 2008):
depression and an eating disorders are a lethal combination. the person suffereing can go through unrecognisable and uncontrollable mood swings. their moods swings are like yoyos. they go up really quickly and come down just as fast. your sister really needs help. there comes a point where you stop feeling sorry for a person like that. you feel you cant love her anymore. has your sister visited a counsellor or seeked medical help since recovering from anorexia? if not then it is vital she sees someone, and what sounds like depression, can be controlled with medicine. seeing a counsellor, she will be able to talk through her emotions and slowly, slowly with all this you should see a difference.
hope this helped
feel free to mail me if you want to talk about anything else.
lol
ellie
xxx
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A
female
reader, Serinity +, writes (15 January 2008):
Sounds to me like she definitly has a personality disorder. She needs help and I think it would be best if you had her hospitalized. She may resent you for it but it seems like she resents you now, for no reason. When she gets the help she needs and regains control of her sanity she will thank you for it. It seems as if she is using the whole family and you all are letting her. I understand that she's got problems and as mean as she is you still love her, she is your sister. But you can't let her get away with treating you that way. She's abusing the whole family. I think the reason she acts as if she hates you and puts you through hell is because she is jealous of you. You have a stable mind and you are holding yourself together, she's falling a part and she feels weak. I think she is trying to hurt you and break you down so she's not the only unstable one in the bunch. You know what you should do? You should start ignoring her. Stop doing things for her. She's not a baby, she may be acting like one, but she's not and as long as you and your family continue to treat her like one she will continue taking advantage of you. Get yourself some friends to hang out with and stop living your life around her. Stop catering to her, if she's well enough to get drunk with her friends every weekend, then she is well enough to take care of herself. It might make her angry at first but what have you got to lose? She's already driving you insane. She's trying to take you down with her and she's going to if you don't distance yourself from her. I highly recommend admitting her into a hospital before she hurts herself and/or possibly you. Tell them that she has suicidal tendancies and has threatened you and you fear for your safety. Please, for the love of God, don't let this continue. God bless you sweetheart.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (15 January 2008):
 Your sister needs help. It sounds like even before she got better, she’s in the habit of putting the blame somewhere else. Do you live with your sister? is there anyway of moving out?
I got a sister and if she acted like that with me..I don't know how I stand it. Family all about loyalty and she hasn't got any. If I was you I would do several things. Try and get the family against her, have a go at your parents for how soft they are and try and get them to be more stricter. Be an united front for helping your sister get help. Sorry I’m not much help, but I don’t know anything about personality disorders
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