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female
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anonymous
writes: I am in a very confusing situation. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. Him and I have had our share of ups and downs. Right now, I'm not sure if I should continue this relationship. Here is where the story begins...Til this day, I believe it was destiny that brought me and my current boyfriend together. I was just coming home from spending the summer in Europe. At the time I was 21 years old and single. Upon returning back to the States, I felt confident and proud of who I was. I took this trip because I felt that I needed to find some direction in my life. For the first time, I was not involved in any relationship. In the past, I had a total of 5. As I was on the plane ---departing for the United States, I sat next to a guy who appeared to be the same age as me. Ironically, we were the only two people on the plane that were the same age...and it so happens that we sat next to one another. The flight lasted for 8 1/2 hours. We talked about people, life, love, etc. 7 1/2 hours into the flight, I asked him (being that he was German) why he was comming to the States. He said that he was involved in playing Hockey. Well.. I am not much of a hockey fan. In fact, I know very little about the sport. As our flight arrived in the States, I said if he had any trouble getting around or needed help...then call. I gave him my number w/ the most sincere intentions...After all, he could barely speak English and it was his first time in the States...I felt bad. To my suprise, he called me 3 days later and asked if we could "hang out." Since I was trusting and still feeling adventuresome after my trip, I drove to the hotel where he was staying and met him. As I approached his room, there were a swarm of hockey guys that were staying there b/c of the training camp. He asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him. At the time, I felt like maybe this "guy I met on the plane" wanted more from me. And since I am not that way, I boldly asked some of the other players if they wanted to join us for dinner. They agreed, which probably pissed my "German plane mate" off.During the course of dinner, I asked these guys if they did anything else besides play hockey( since hockey was not really of interest to me). The only one that fessed up was this 20 year old French Canadian guy sitting next to me. In broken English, he said, " I play guitar, listen to music, etc." He was so soft spoken and sweet. I fell into a great conversation with him and immediately sparks flew. He even played guitar for me after we all returned to the Hotel room. This was actually the first time in my 21 years of living that I had a crush!!!When I left to go home ... I told my "German plane mate" that I was not interested in starting a relationship with anyone...which was true. But in the back of my head, I knew I had a crush on this guy I spoke to at dinner.Days later, I received a phone call from my crush. He said he aquired my number from my "German plane mate."Well days turned into weeks...weeks into months and months into years.The first two years were great. He eventually got a apartment and lived an hour away. We spent most of our time together. He played hockey for the AHL and was doing really well his first two years. He was more of a leader than a follower. I connected with him on a spiritual level, (he possessed strong morale)physical level, and emotional level. It was a commuter relationship and he was limited on his flexibility due to his hockey career. I made myself accessable to his schedule. The only problems we encountered were...his lack of communication,(not speaking up), conflicts in schedule, And, returning back to Quebec at the end of his season (summertime). Oh yeah... and I was his first serious sexual relationship. Even though I was skeptical, he always convinced me that he did not need anyone else..that "I was the woman of his life"These are considered minor problems!!!In the two years that followed, I felt a significant change in his behaviour and his commitment to me. During the end of his second year with the AHL, he got traded. I went through an initial state of shock. He had to be out of his apartment in 48 hours and go to the team he was now said to play under. Even though I realized he played hockey for a living, I did not forsee this happening. I suppose I was extremely comfortable with him being around. I guess I did not think that this could happen. But that was the first moment that I realized it was his career. And this is to be expected. Quite honestly, my world was shook and I felt helpless. My boyfriend was leaving and had no other choice. In fact, he was happy b/c he would be playing in the NHL. I tried to be happy for him in the 48 hours we had together before he left, but I realized I was selfish and could not stop myself from crying b/c I wanted him here with me.Since I was finishing college, I stayed behind and tried to focus. I noticed that once he was up with the NHL he started to "not need me." I did not get as many calls and he seemed more interested in him then me. He rarely told me that he missed me and wished I was there. I really felt hurt inside. I did so much for this person while he was here and now... he acted like he was too good. What was happening to my sweetheart? It was like he was losing his sweetness...losing himself. Boy! this scared me. I felt like this fast paced lifestyle was changing him.The following season he was on the roster to play for the AHL ( Did not make the NHL cut). For me, this was great b/c he was closer (2 hours away). For him, it sucked. The town he was playing in was completely dead. But the team was made up of a lot more younger guys...early 20s. Much different then the AHL team he played with in his first two years. Since it was a relief to know that he was only 2 hours away, I felt he would make an effort to see me since I was in school. Well.. during the third year a lot changed. He was not making an initiative to drive and see me. He was thoughtless in planning and seemed to tied up with his "new teammates" to be making any real effort. And when I got frustrated.. I complained. There were times when we would be seperated from each other for 3-4 weeks. No "I miss yous". No "I really want to do something special with you." And the phone calls were lagging as well. He said that every time I complained what he was not doing for me...that made him not want to do it even more. So instead, I took another approach and would not say anything b/c I wanted to see if he would make an initiative on his own. He did not. This frustated me to no end. I had to tell him what to do for me if he wanted to continue this relationship. I saw it as someone wanting to do it b/c they loved you. I felt like it was a chore for him which caused my anger to prevail. The year was rocky. Finally things were starting to get better. He had a short break over Valentines day... so we headed to NYC. 2 weeks after our trip together I drove up to see him to spend more time with him. We had another great weekend together. I felt like we were connecting again! We even had a conversation on trust. Since living two hours away is hard, I asked him if he has been honest with me...loyal. Immediately he says yes. Because, I felt like I had a lot of trust in him. After all, his teammates know he has a girlfirend and he has never done anything in the past for me to question him. In fact, from the very beginning, I told him if he ever wants to get out of the relationship then he's better off telling me before he does something stupid. "It's a level of respect," I said. I'd much rather you be honest than make a huge mistake that would hurt me and jeapordize our chances of ever getting back together. He said to me that he would never do anything to hurt me. He always taught me that if you feel the need to cheat while your in a relationship then your not being honest with your partner and yourself. I believed him. Later that night, there was a knock on the door. I answered. It was some girl asking for my boyfriend. While my boyfriend stood behind me while this took place...I suddenly felt overwhelmed. This strange girl just knocked up for my boyfriend and he casually said hi to her and... like that, she left! I did not know what to say. The first thing I did was pack up my stuff to head home. For some reason...I felt out of place. Over and Over again I asked who she was... he said it was just some random girl he met at a bar who hung out with him and him roommate. He also told me this girl had a boyfriend of 8 years. Still I was suspicious. I left in tears and did not pick up his calls. A month later, I asked him over and over again if he did anything with this girl and finally he admitted that he kissed her! It was a messy cycle all over again. He betrayed me! I did not speak to him for like 4 weeks. Still saddened by his wrongful act...I agreed to see him and talk. I cried al ot, but admitted that I still loved him. Well...I took him back into my life. We had about a month together before he returned to Quebec for the summer. He was now gone for another 2 1/2 months and I would see him for a couple of weeks throughout the summer. Things were good. He was making promises to me like....I love you so much, I want you to be my wife someday, We are going to find a way to be together for next year, etc.He really made me feel optimistic in the relationship once again. He was now committing to me on a mature level and admitted to me his mistakes.The fourth year was a rollercoaster! His season was now beginning and after he admitted that he lost himself and was negatively influenced by some of his team mates he wanted to make this a "Better Year." I was holding him to the promises that he had made to me 4 months earlier about being a better boyfriend...trust, thoughtfulness, communication, planning, etc. I believed in him and his intentions to save this relationship. I was in my last year of school and about to graduate. He told me that he wanted to purchase a condo in Quebec for the summer months so that we would be together...(He finally took an initiative to do something proactive). Things started to get ugly when he was not informing me of details going into the Condo. I made it known to him that I wanted to feel a part of this. He just said I'm limited in my time off and while your in school I have to take a descision that is best for both of us. Over and Over, I got on his case about feeling like I was left out. It should be "Us, Ours," etc. He did not have this mentality. When I called him on this... he said look, I'm just not ready! Well... I jumped to conclusions and said..."I'm not the woman of your life now" "I thought you wanted to marry me." After hearing him...I wanted to hang up b/c I was disgusted. I told him that he was not ready for this (24 yr. old). And at 25 years old I was. I told him that it was best if we just end the relationship. He seemed hurt, but did not argue with me. A month passed by and I got ready to leave for 15 days in South America. While I was there I thought about him the whole time and how much I missed him. I thought about marriage and how I probably put too much pressure on him, etc. I knew once I got back home, that I would have liked to see him and possibly reconcile. He called me the day I arrived home. He wanted to see me. I agreed. He showed up to my house with a bouquet of yellow roses and started to cry. He told me how much he loved me and missed me. I told him that I want marriage but it does not have to be right now. I felt good. We went out to dinner and I was finally getting comfortable again. I asked him what he did while we were on our break. I then asked him in a casual manner if he hooked up (kissed, etc.) He answered. YES. Again, I was shocked. He minimized this behaviour...saying "I'm being honest, isn't that what you want." While I was in S. America I thought about him the whole time. I found out he hooked up with some girl at a bar 3 days after I told him I wanted a break. He did not waste any time. On the way home from dinner he wanted to come back and spend the night with me. After hearing the news, I told him that it was better if he just went home (2 hours away). He then started to get angry and upset. I told him that I've lost respect for him once again and that I was really disappointed in his actions. That night, I tossed and turned and once agin cried myself to sleep.. who waits 3 days to hook up with another girl after you just broke up w/ someone of 3 1/2 yrs. WHY??? I felt tired trying to figure him out. I called him the next morning and said I was driving up and for him to be prepared to see me break down and cry. I said that he deserves to witness these tears b/c after all he hurt me. I drove up to see him and was furious. I told him how much I've sacrificed to be with him, my loyalty to him, my love for him. And now it was time to do something about it. I told him that it was over. I spent 6 hours at his apartment venting, crying, yelling...then I left to go back home. I told him he was lost. I told him that he was no leader, he was a follower. And he'll never reach his full potential in his career, relationship, friendship, etc if he's a follower. He broke down and lost it. He was at his lowest point. I then left.A week later, he wrote me a 15 page letter on how he hurt me and how he wanted to change and get back the person he once was. He admitted that he surrounded himself around the wrong people, and why he always made an excuse for not being "ready." I forgave him. A month later we were headed for Quebec for the summer.We spent the whole month of June preparing the brand new condo. There were fights here and there, but nothing that was over the top. We then got to talking about out sexual relationship. He always use to tell me that I never asked him what he wanted and I never told him what I wanted. I guess I was never use to that. To me Sex is Sex. He says that he feels weird talking to me about sex b/c he thinks it makes me feel uncomfortable. He told me that his ultimate fantasy is having me Swallow! And enjoying it. Don't mean to be crude, but that kind of grosses me out. He use to ask me before, but I never did it and I did not think it bothered him that much. Well he said to me "I would do anything to pleasure you...why wouldn't you do the same." A part of me feels like I don't fullfill him sexually. I also feel threatened. If he decided he wants this will he look for it elsewhere? I'm starting to feel insecure with myself. I feel like he wants to be with other women. I ask him and he always says NO. I just see a change in him. Like the little things such as... Oh yeah.. this is what I want from you sexually...xyz. He just seems more demanding of his sexual needs as if all of a sudden he's unhappy. We have sex like 5 x's a week.Now we are back from Quebec and he is two hours away again for the start of the AHL season. He wants me to live with him. Quite honestly, it has been over four years... and he is telling me that I can come along for the ride, but he can't make me any promises. What happens, happens. And if it doesn't work, then it's meant to be...as he says. Meanwhile, I'd be giving up my friends, family, and job opportunites. What do I get in return for my sacrifice... no promises for the future. I am so confused. A big part of me wants to see this work, but another part questions if it will. I believe he has change. He would say he knows himself better now. But I think he lost his sweetness and is comming out of his shell in a bad way. What do I do!!! I need your help ASAP. Is it possible that he will return to his old ways? Will I be making a big mistake by living with him????-Anon
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2005): Hmmm, this is pretty easy. You dont like or understand his profession and avocation. You dont seem to enjoy having sex with him (you never mention it positively). Your long message found no room to mention positive events you two shared; it was just a rehash of times you critized him by some standard he doesnt share ("He finally took an initiative to do something proactive"). And everything is viewed only in how it affects you! HE has to be out of his appartment in 48 hours and we hear about you. HE finally makes the majors after dreaming about it since he was 8yo- was there excitement? elation? No mention of that. But when he is there you pester him with whiney messages about why he doesnt call you when he needs his focus. When he doesnt stick with the NHL team, you dont mention any sympathy... you write about how convinient it is that his new team is two hours away so he can lavish attention on you. Right now you aren't a good girlfriend.. to him or anyone else. My advice is to let the guy go and have his career and keep in touch twice a year by letter if you must. If you pick it up in 5 years as two adults then you might have something. Right now you still relate to him as a kid.
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female
reader, Becca42478 +, writes (10 October 2005):
It seems that you are doing more than your fair share to keep your relationship from de-railing. I think a lot of women tend to become the relationship "managers" because they tend to be better at expresssing emotions and more intuitive. What concerns me is you are the one who is so very available and he seems to be taking you for granted quite a bit. I would say to you make sure you are being treated the way you would like to be (deserve to be treated)or your relationship will not be a happy one. You have done a lot of sacraficing. Write down what he has sacraficed to be with you. If he did cheat on you or ignore your needs at those early stage in the relationship, imagine being tied to a person who only treats you with respect seasonally because they fear losing you. You want to be sure he is capable and has a strong desire to show you how much he loves you with his actions. Men speak with their actions, not with their words. It concerns me that he is on the road a bunch and you have caught him cheating before. The fact that she not only knew where he lived, but was comfortable enough with him to stop by without calling suggests more than kissing. The fact your pulled it out of him months later could suggest his conscience wasn't killing him like it should've been. I see warning signs. I think if you give up your friends, job opportunities, family: He won't appreciate your sacrafices because you will be more dependent on him. Men are attractive to independent women, who have their own agendas i.e. hobbies, goals, friends. If you give up those things you are becoming less like the women he fell in love with and more like a follower. Ever noticed how a guy is on his best behavior when he is in danger of losing you. If you don't wait by the phone for his calls, if you don't drop everything to be with him--he will become scared but something strange may happen.. He will become more attracted to you because he will see you more as his match. Isn't that how he acts? He wouldn't have a right to complain. A good book to read is "Why men love Bitches" Babes In Total Control of Herself. I am a 27 year old, just recently engaged after 3yrs, to a wonderful guy. I think this book helped me to take the attraction to the next level. In the past I dated a roadie and a musician, very unavailable, not so faithful either. They were always on the road, in different countries and their careers came first. I never knew what they were doing. I tell you it was exciting but it wasn't a real relationship, because I wasn't getting my needs meet. I learned from those relationships that men will only give you what you will put up with. The less crap you will take, the more you love yourself, the more they love you. Love is a mutual act of kindness and it feels comfortable and safe.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2005): If you are seeing a change in him and you feel that he is doing wrong you should leave him alone. He is showing you that he does not want to work things out.If you feel that you are putting in way more than you are getting out of it just let him go. You don't want to be there too much longer and be hurt so many more times. Let him go now so the hurt will end first and for all.I know that you love him and you want to be with him but you have to take care of you. Only you can feel this hurt. He doesn't suffer the way that you do, so he doesn't care. Be the woman that you want to be for someone who deserves it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2005): I think that when you are older, you will regret it if you don't try it. Twenty-five is not so old. So you will be moving away from things, but you will also be going on an adventure. Relationships are hard work. Most people don't realize that until they are in them. The fact that he wants you to live with him is a sign that he also wants it to work out. But he is also aware that you have had ups and downs so he doesn't want to say he will commit to it right now. This will be a trial period for both of you.
When he tells you things about his sexual preferences, he is making an effort to be honest and to get over barriers that might exist between you. When you met, he was quite young and hadn't had much experience with sex. Over time he has started to think about what other things might be fun. This, in my opinion, is normal. Some women just never swallow, but you might think about trying to do it. Semen really don't have much of a taste and it might not be that hard to learn to swallow.
Many people I know have a similar problem in which the guy wants to do things that the woman is disgusted or freaked out by. Try to be a little more open to these things. Let yourself be aroused by the fact that you are giving him pleasure, which is really an amazingly intimate thing. Also, you could ask him to do things that give you pleasure. Do you have regular orgasms during sex? If not, ask for more foreplay, more oral sex, or whatever else you think would be sexy. I recommend a book called Pure Sex by Anne Hooper. It helps couples explore the various aspects of sex and find out more about what pleases them. It has beautiful, erotic (but not pornographic) photos of couples and exercises to do together and separtely. Since he says he would do anything to please you, you could take him up on it by getting him to go through this book with you.
If you do decide to move in with him, it would be ideal if you had money or resources set aside that would let you leave again if things weren't working out. I think you should try it, unless at this point, you just feel ready to move on. You shouldn't do it out of guilt.
(And don't listen to that person who said Canadians don't like Americans and French Canadians don't like Enghlish speakers. This is ridiculous.)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2005): His 'old' ways aren't really 'old' at all...they're 'his' ways; And they have been for the past four years. So I'm not sure you're looking at the whole picture...at all of the facts available to you. It seems as if you're focusing on what you want rather than what it is. Career or not, if this guys wants you, he'll reach out, and do what it takes. That's all. And please remember, the first two years of any relationship aren't a good indication of your future. That's still the learning period when things are fresh and new. It's what occured after that initial blast that will hold some of the answers to your questions. If I were you, and you sound like a bright, confident woman..I'd move on with my own life, my own goals, and not sacrifice another damn minute for him. He is on a quest to be a pro-hockey player, and no woman can distract him from that, even if he truly loves you. Let him go and find his way. If he loves you, he'll be back, and he will respect you all the more for giving him the space he needed to pursue his dreams. But for you, you must pursue yours too. And plus, how could he be hooking up with other girls if he was that into you.....look at the facts, and not just the good times you had together. Everything is as it should be, so long as you put yourself first. Good Luck...Keep up the strength and dignity that you already seemed to have demonstrated!!!
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reader, pops +, writes (8 October 2005):
Girl, how blind can you be? He has been and is using you as a convenient pillow. He does not love you. You were not his first girl, and he is never going to be faithful. He is french Canadian. He has been raised to dispise English people, and being Canadian, he isn't trained to like Americans all that much either. Drop this guy like the rotten egg he is. He probably has a girl in every city where he plays.( If he doesn't, his team mates think he is retarded.) Go find someone who WILL love you, and just you. Be happy you found out about his other girl(s) before making an even bigger mistake.
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