A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I recently had my birthday and I received nothing from my boyfriend and it really hurt my feelings. A while back he asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said that I really don't want him to spend his money on me. he said that he would rather spend his money on nobody but me. Then he asked again so I requested woolen socks. Knowing that he has thousands of dollars in his account, he showed me his balance before. He has been mentioning that I need an ipad multiple times so I thought I might get one for my bday. During my birthday and the days prior to it, he had been working a lot so i didn't expect much on my birthday. He did take me out to a burger place and warned me not to dress nicely because it was in teh middle of the week and he'd take me somewhere nice over the weekend. On the weekend my friday invited me out so he picked up the check. On my birthday I got nothing from him, not even a card just the dinner at the burger place. I was still expecting him to take me out over the weekend and waited on saturday then he called to cancel and went to a basketball game that he had tickets for already and had dinner with his family. He didn't mention anything about our dinner birthday, absolutely nothing.I know he knows what to get women, he told me he had diamond earrings for his ex that he never gave to her and asked me where to sell them. He told me he didn't want to give them to me because they weren't meant for me and that I am worth way more than those earrings. So I know that he knows what to get a woman, I also know he has money.I am very disappointed and hurt because all of my friends got me little things but they were thoughtful. He always tells me that I take so much care of him and always treat me the best so I feel deeply hurt. I only requested socks, not much really.Did he think that paying for dinner was enough? should I wait another week and just bring up the socks casually?Many thanks to all of you who would take a minute to help me.
View related questions:
his ex, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (21 January 2014):
 i'm a very low maintainance woman, myself. and yet i would still be hurt by this, like you are.
people are defending him because you told him not to get you anything but socks. but come on - i'm sorry, what kind of a person ACTUALLY gets their partner nothing for their birthday? that's just pathetic.
if my gf told me she didn't want anything, you better believe i'm not dumb enough to actually get her nothing! even if she legitimately DIDN'T want anything, i'd at LEAST get her a card! it's just general respect and acknowledgment of your partner.
i would be hurt, too. so i'm on your side. he could have done a LOT better.
A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (21 January 2014):
 most agreed.. what you should of said maybe, was surprise me baby, if you couldnt think of anything in particular.. either way, what you said to him was exactly the way he interpreted it.. and another thing, you should keep in mind,. MEN, HATE and absolutely, hate, these mind games women play.. saying something but meaning the opposite..a lot of relationships go down the drain because these tend to lead to miscommunication, and hurt feelings.. see? your feelings were hurt, because he didnt get you anything.. and a lot of girls will actually harbour ill-will against their partner, for not reading their mind or picking up on the hints..hidden hints, at that.. so say what you mean, mean what you say.. and your relation with him will not only go far, but it will avoid future arguments, fights etc..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2014): I think you got burned by your own game.
I would have brought you to a nice burger place too if you told me not to spend my money on you, those were your wishes. Not every woman likes fancy presents, he asked you what you'd like and you basically said "nothing fancy".
Do bring up the socks casually, you did say you'd like some. Maybe he though it was a throwaway comment as the others suggested but there's no reason you can't make it a fun joke.
Try not to fell too disappointed, he asked you what you'd like out of respect and not wanting to get it wrong. The fact he got it wrong anyway is not him being inconsiderate but just not reading your mind.
He does still owe you dinner if he said that and you can jokingly mention you'll have much warmer feet after that dinner too, as you'll be getting your present then. Do mention this OP, but remember next time to be more honest. He truly was asking what you'd like and you should have been more honest and told him what would be nice.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (21 January 2014):
 Lesson learned..men are not good at guessing games or reading between the lines. Most of them take what we women say at face value. If you don't want misunderstandings between the two of you then SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!!! Men sometimes are not thoughtless or inconsiderate, they are just clueless. If you say "I don't want anything" then he probably really will think you don't want anything. Tisha1 gave very good advice.
My guy used to ask me months in advance if I wanted something special when he went to Japan. It would be presents for a birthday, or Christmas or Valentine's Day. I learned to make a list of things I would like, and then he could chose. It was still a surprise to me, and yet he knew that out of that list he would get me something that I would like. It was a win win for both us.
Talk to him...
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 January 2014):
 You really set him up for failure.
He asked, well in advance of your birthday, what you might like. You said "don't spend any money on me." He took that to mean, don't spend any money on you.
Then, just to be sure, he asked again what you might like. You said, "woolen socks." He took that as a joke and that you were sincere in your spoken command to him that he not spend any money on you.
I would be very clear with him, in the future. Don't play games with him.
You could say, as an attempt to give him a chance to salve your feelings that you caused yourself to be hurt, "babe, I have to say I have learned something about myself this week. I know I said I didn't want anything but woolen socks. You know what? I was wrong. I did want a nice birthday present and I did want something special done for me and I did want a card. I know I didn't say that but I thought you spoke my secret language. This language is the secret I keep from you that you are supposed to figure out by sheer mind-reading, since part of the language rules is to not ever reveal myself in a way that could help you understand me. It's a test, you see, a test of your devotion and love. The secret language rules mandate that I keep some of the rules super secret and do not tell you that yes, I would like a nice present, that I would appreciate some thought into my birthday.
"I was proud and certain that you would be able to decipher this secret language through the clues I left. 'Woolen socks' stood for a new iPad or diamond earrings.
"I am sorry that I wasn't clear and that I felt so badly about the outcome later, because you had no chance to win this particular game I played, because you didn't realize that a game was even being played.
"I will be kind to you and kind to myself next time and be clear and not obscure and I will not say one thing but mean the opposite.
"I did want a nice birthday present and I liked your idea of the iPad or jewelry. I just didn't know how to do this gracefully because women are supposed to be selfless and not demanding. It's a bit much for me.
"Can we start over and I will do this by telling you the truth in the future?
"Thank you so much for listening and understanding."
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (20 January 2014):
 "while back he asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I said that I really don't want him to spend his money on me. he said that he would rather spend his money on nobody but me. Then he asked again so I requested woolen socks"
When you said you didn't want him to spend his money on you, and then you said woollen socks, maybe your boyfriend thought the woollen socks comment was a throwaway like, you had already told him you don't want him spending his money on you, and woollen socks is a bit of a weird thing to ask of a boyfriend.
Your boyfriend is not a mind reader, he did not know that when you said woollen socks you really meant an ipad or a pair of diamond earrings.
You could have said, 'let's go somewhere really nice for dinner and I can't think of anything I would like, and I like surprises".
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 January 2014):
 Um, you told him NOt to buy you anything. Then OK you can buy me socks. He took it as DO NOT buy her anything.
Why not JUST be honest and say Surprise me? Or I would love the new whatever book (or whatever you would like)? Why play this game of false modesty? You would LOVE a present from your BF, nothing WRONG in that. If you don't want to TELL him what to get you have several options. Make a Amazon Wish list and give him access. (doesn't have to buy from Amazon but it's a nice way to have an online wish list for yourself and others) or tell him to just surprise you.
You still think you are owed a pair of socks? If so tell him.
Personally, I think you need to learn how to communicate. Some guys are DENSE and don't understand when a girl says *I won't want anything* it actually means BUY me something!
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 January 2014):
Well, this is who your boyfriend is. I agree it was insensitive to say the least, so you can add it to the list of things you don't like about him and move on. There's not really a wrong or right here, it just is what it is. He's insensitive.
...............................
|
