A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been working at my work place for 11 months. It became obvious 6 months ago that one of my married work colleagues had developed feelings for me. He constantly hung around my office area during his lunch. I steadfastly ignored him. Even some of my co-workers noticed and commented on the crush he had on me. I am a friendly person and talk to everyone. I do not think I led him on. Finally a few afternoons ago after our work Christmas lunch (no alcohol allowed) he approached me and we began talking. We talked for 3 hours. He told me that he had had feelings for me for 9 months and that he had left his wife 6 months ago because he felt I would not be interested in a married man. I knew he had split from his wife but did not realize it was his idea or that it was because of me. He told me that he had been unhappy for a long time and that the only reason he had stayed was because the children were young. He felt that he could leave now that they were older and had done so. Facts I know for certain1. He has genuinely left his wife. I did not just hear that from him. It has come up in different conversations people were having in the office over the last 6 months.2. It was his idea to split from his wife.Once again from office conversation as well as him. 2. His divorce is underwaySome of the staff know him very well as he has been there a long time and they were discussing his divorce which is underway. He verified it.3. I am not just the latest in a long line.Some of my work colleagues (including the boss who he plays golf with) are very surprised by his behaviour because he has worked there for over 10 years and has never done anything like this before. Needless to say he wants a relationship. Should I get involved? He is extremely handsome and we can obviously talk for hours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer Carrot. You have given me alot to consider. I tend to think that he allows women to push him around and then complains. He's alittle on weak side. He did what I told him (went back to his wife) and I am 13 years younger than him! I was very surprised he did. I agree it was a miserable marriage. Noone should stay in that situation. Life is too precious to waste. I guess I'm young single and free and so I have plenty of time for decision making. Yes, I will make him accountable for his actions. When he first told me she trapped him I told him he trapped himself.
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female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (22 February 2010):
 I applaud you for not getting involved with this guy just yet. However, I can't imagine anyone leaving an unhealthy relationship and successfully moving into a successful one without taking some downtime to recover and reflect. Clearly his marriage was miserable, but he needs to take a look at how his choices contributed to this situation. Right now, he's still playing the victim and I suspect he is looking for you to "rescue" him ("Don't send me back there. Please don't send me back there").
If you do decide to move forward with him, challenge him a bit and make him tell you the WHOLE story, not just how horrible his wife was. If she is so awful, were there signs of this before he married her? Why did he marry her, even if she was pregnant, if he didn't really love her? Why did he continue to have children with her (and don't let him blame it on her refusal to use contraceptives, as the choice to have a vasectomy or use condoms was his, not hers)? Don't accept excuses; make him really acknowledge his role in things. I suggest this because if you don't, you're going to end up in a relationship with a man who will always see himself as a victim rather than someone with a sense of their own agency in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous from 15 & 16 Feb
If you say so it must be. I however do not believe that I have treated anyone badly. I have replied with facts. If there has been rudeness or if someone cannot read (like the person who said "now that you have him" when I am not with him) I tend to get frustrated. Surprisingly I do not like being falsely accused or spoken to rudely. For me it is enough that the people I meet in my real life like me.
Anonymous
"I am the aunt who questioned your morality. i question it since it is questionable."
Would care to tell me how rather than just make an accusation? I have done nothing immoral. I told him to go back to his wife. I did not see him during the time he was back with his wife (school holidays). He still left.
BTW when I sent him back to his wife his words were "Don't send me back there. Please don't send me back there." The poor man was pleading. I said that he should be with his family. Why he listened to me I will never know. I think he felt guilty about leaving. So he went back. However his wife continued to play "army general" and he could not stand the misery. He probably did things wrong too. The relationship was a disaster. It is not healthy or moral to live in misery.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): hey Anon, I am the aunt who questioned your morality. i question it since it is questionable. i lost you now didn't i.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): Poster I am the one from 16 February not 15th February.I am ~Mrs Anon.I stand by what I said.Its your attitude that is going to create problems.
You know something?The way we treat a bunch of total strangers says a lot more about us.As Sidney Sheldon rightly said,"We all wear a mask.Most of us around may not know it.The naked face is not pretty to look at".
Time will tell.I wish you happiness and am off this thread ~Mrs.Anon
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous
This is a direct quote from your post:
"leave us that have morals and decency"
Do wish to tell me how I am supposed to interpret that other than an attack on my morality?
Actually most of our colleagues who know both his wife and me are disappointed that I said no. They like me alot more than they like his wife. But what would they know? They are only people who actually know us all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): Honey Its not your morality.Its your ATTITUDE.Its screaming out.I have seen a good years more than you.Even if the guy was not married he would still end up having issues with you.Sadly you don't seem to realize it. Sorry if you mistook my post as me judging you on moral grounds.You can take offense and not change your attitude.Or if you are intelligent start analyzing your self and the replies from other posters.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous
For the third time I am not with him. BTW thank you for telling me how moral 'you' think 'you' are. You must be a very superior person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): I have been following this thread for a while now.If you do indeed get together with him,he is in for a rude shock.He might be whipped for the first few months but slowly when he gets to know the real you,he will start thinking.Thanks for the post anyways.Its a very good eye opener for men who want to leave their wives for young beautiful girls.
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reader, devastated2008 +, writes (16 February 2010):
 You are right this situation definitely struck a nerve with me.
I thought you were serious in your request for advice and was unaware that you considered this an entertaining debate.
As far as debates go... I believe the points are not in your favor, but then that's just my condescending opinion. :) Hope we all learned something.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): Dear OP what is now the issue you seem to be loving the drama here. Ok so he left his wife and kids for. You. Now whatv you got him go out and celebrate and leave us that have morals and decency to ponder about this married mans decision. You obviously do not care about the devastation this has caused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Devastated,
I was curious about your name.
The only reason I know about his attempts to save his marriage is because I still work in the same place as him. Everyone in our section of the workplace knows the story. Shall we say he is a talker.
I do not believe that I am the cause of his marriage break up. I was merely an excuse to leave an unhappy situation. The fact that he has left again shows that. We have just had several weeks of school holidays here in Australia so I did not see him during that time. The only thing he knew durig that time was that I had refused him and he would see me as a colleague after the holidays.
This story is obviously a very sore point for you. You relate your own experience to it. Yes, the words may be the same but it is not you and your husband. Every situation is different. However, I understand your need to vent.
I argue (I prefer the word debate) because I am a person who questions. I will ask for advice but I will debate that advice. I would hope that you would encourage your children to ask for and then to question any advice they are given. That is healthy. People who do not question are easily led and do well in totalitarian regimes such as Hitler's Germany. I encourage debate in my classes.
BTW I do not need the flattery or drama. That is condescending.
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reader, devastated2008 +, writes (15 February 2010):
I am speaking for the wife and the children because they are the ones not represented. I am not his wife, but I was a wife devastated by a husband who claimed similar things... "married too young" "you always criticized"
"stayed for the children" "I love you but I am not in love with you"... It didn't match up with all the love letters I have, the words of love that I remember, all the promises, ect.
Regardless of why your fellow stayed I still stand by my response... if you get involved you escalate the whole situation. He may very well be a good guy struggling to do the right thing... most of us are in that spot. If you truly cared about him, don't be used during his struggle.
36 not being a midlife struggle? Yes it is... he is facing the panic of 40. Midlife crisis comes early when you marry young. He is panicking at the thought that this might be his last chance before getting "old" and getting what he thinks he missed by marrying young... and you likely remind him of what it feels like to be 20 something again.
You are both teachers?... so you both know that there is nothing magical about schoolage children suddenly not needing their fathers and the stability of a home. That is a ridiculous excuse for staying and leaving. If anything they need him more.
If you are involved in any way you change the whole situation. You may be very right that his marriage was doomed, but as of right now he is still married. If you are involved then its an affair.
A marriage is NOT over even when that piece of paper is signed sealed and delivered. It is over when you have healed from that relationship. He will bring every damaged part of himself into a relationship with you because he has not taken time to fix what is broken. He merely sees the marriage and his wife as the "broken" problem and that divorce fixes it. It doesn't.
And for you because you are young... well you may get hurt but you'll move on and consider it a lesson learned. So will his wife and children, but their scars will be much deeper and long lasting. And if you are involved then you helped put them there.
You asked, "should I get involved?" Why did you ask? Then when everyone answered your question... you argue it. Why? ...unless you are involved and encouraging his attention whether you intended to or not.
You want the flattery and drama. You say you told him to go back to his wife... yet you are waiting in the wings to hear all about his disasterous but valiant efforts to reconcile. Your involvement taints everything... you cannot be his friend or his anything without changing outcomes. Your intentions may be good but you are getting something from the situation or you would be running like hell to get away from the problems he brings (good looking or not). No healthy person attaches themselves to an unhealthy person and he is definitely not healthy yet.
You are 22-25, why on earth would you want to take on his baggage? And if you don't want him, then stay out of it you are not the one to help him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease read my post. I am not with him. I told him a very definite no. I still working in the same place as him so that is how I know that he has left again.
His wife would not allow condoms or a vasectomy. He was trapped in a marriage where he felt he had to stay and if he tried to use contraception he would not get sex. That is very hard for any man.
I guess he was determined to get out because he has left her whether I said yes or not. If he was not determined to get out why has he now left.
Lazy guy
He is very moral. He is living according to his morality not yours. He has not left his children. He is applying for joint custody. He left his wife. He did it when he felt it was a moral time to leave. Noone should be trapped in a marriage when they are not happy and not in love. It is not immoral to leave an unhappy marriage as long as you take care of the children. It is actually better to see to emotionally healthy father than a miserable one.
Anonymous
I am naive am I? Well that's just an opinion. And I repeat because you obviously did not read my post. I am not with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Hey babes you really are naïve......this story about his wife and the pregnancies, why blame her, if he didn't want kids he should have put a cover on.... Onlt ime will tell babes, wonder what story will come out when he finishes with you
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (14 February 2010):
 Vasectomy. Contraception is not a one way street. And nobody put a gun against his head and forced him to fuck her without a condom, or indeed have sex with her at all.
So he wasn't all that determined to get out was he?
And he is so moral, that he is leaving multiple kids now anyways.
You can dress it up all you want, but you probably will have to face the truth sooner or later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just got another answer so I should provide an update to my original question. I told him that I was not interested and to go back to his wife. He did. What a disaster! It lasted 4 weeks before he left again. He is now seperated from his wife again and the divorce is going through. It should be complete in June. I guess he did not need the lure of a young girlfriend to leave. Some marriages are just not meant to be.
Devastated, he is only 36 so I do not believe this is a midlife crisis. Just because he married her does not mean he loved her. He married her because she was pregnant. He was doing the 'right thing'. He did not leave for 15 years because she kept getting pregnant because she would not allow the use of contraception. His moral code states that he should remain married until the child reaches schoolage. She kept falling pregnant before they reached schoolage. Ok, you could say that he was having sex with her but do you honestly expect a man to abstain from sex when he is in a marriage? How many men are that strong?
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reader, devastated2008 +, writes (13 February 2010):
By following your comments to the other posts to me it looks like you have already decided to see where this relationship is going. You appear to be drawn to the flattery of someone being interested in you and the drama of the situation. (I don't mean that rudely.)
You can't look at him in isolation... he is not just a typical single man on the dating block. He is a man who appears to still be married ...just in the process of divorcing. He is at the midlife crisis point. He has children and a wife of 15 years.
There are tons of issues that he is not anticipating that will arise if he follows through on his plans to divorce. If you intervere now and consider him an option, you are going to escalate a very painful time into and extremely painful and devasting event for everyone... including yourself.
His wife and children will blame you. Regardless of your past behavior/avoidance ect. Many marriages are saved at the brink of divorce or in the time after reality sets in.
His reasons for divorcing are all typical midlife crisis excuses... never loved his wife? Bullcrap... he married her, he did all those things for her, he stayed 15 years he had multiple children with her... he loved her. Married too young? You can't claim that excuse 15 years later! She criticizes him too much... what longterm marriage hasn't suffered through this communication problem?
You may be thinking that you don't necessarily want a long term relationship with him but that it would be interesting to see what kind of man he turns out to be?
Well if you get involved now you will be interfering with a natural growth and healing process. First you will be practically dooming his marriage to death. How do you know that if all he says is true that his wife won't step up and meet the challenge?
If you cut him off cold turkey and tell him there's no way you will go for him (no maybes down the road, no nothing ever)... there is a very good chance he will shake off his fantasy of a young attractive woman and take a real look at his own marriage or at least focus on his own flaws instead of blaming his wife. He may suddenly start seeing the good in his wife and grieving for what he is giving up. He may be able to see the pain he's causing his children and how much they need him right now!
But if you allow yourself to be used as a distraction and pain relief for him... he will miss the necessary pain stage that is SUPPOSED to be there when you choose to sever a lifetime committment.
Your involvement creates whole new complications to this situation. Worse yet, he may destroy his family for his fantasy of being with you... put them through terrible pain and trauma... only to discover down the road that you were just a fantasy... and then go back to family or move on to someone who is not a "rebound"... leaving you as devastated as everyone else.
Now is NOT the time to be involved. If this is meant to be a year or two down the road, you will have a more accurate picture of what you are involving yourself in. But right now... you are just asking for pain... and contributing to pain.
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reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (1 January 2010):
Why limit yourself to the same species? Sure, you may have something to talk about with someone who shares your profession, but more often than not all you will talk about is WORK. Finding a partner who is not a teacher may actually generate more interesting conversation and you may find you still have much in common. If you really want to find a similar fish, there must be other ponds you can explore; have you investigated what's swimming upstream at other schools in your area?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFishing Instructor,
The thought that this could be a 'rebound relationship' for him is worrying. He has just finished a 15 year marriage. I take your point.
The point about finding other fishing holes. That's harder. Where do I find good-looking fish that are the same or similar species as me? As my boss put it (he is married to a fellow teacher and has been for many years) there is a lot in common and a lot to talk about.
Other anonymous replier,
That's a very good point. Leaving his wife under these circumstances is unusual. I shall be careful.
Thanks all for your input you have given me lots of good perspectives. Lots to think about here. Love the fishing analogy. Could keep going on that one for a long time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): Should you get involved? Please don't.
I think you are flattered by his attention and drawn to his looks, but seriously, the man sounds a bit off. Who in their right mind leaves their family to be with a woman who has shown no interest in him? It's one thing to have a crush on someone who is unattainable, it's another thing to turn your whole life upside down for your crush. Two months after you've been on the job he decides he's in love with you...does he even know you?
Regardless of his wife's perceived faults, his actions are way over the top and I would avoid this situation if I were you. He sounds like stalker material if you ask me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): Fishing instructor here again,,
It's more understandable if you're in the teaching profession. It's alot different than "working together" like in an office situation, or some other such working environment. You actually work with students and have contact with other teachers not "work together" (if that makes sense??)
I would still be concerned about a 'rebound relationship'. Where he is mentally/emotionally is not where you are mentally/emotionally.
Take it slowly and see if he is as honest about what he is telling you. "take it with a grain of salt" till you have some varification. And, yes there's still the issue of "what if it doesn't work out" you and he will still be in contact with each other. Both capable of handling that situation if it happens??
The "don't fish off the company dock" may have sounded humorous,, but in some professions and work situations there are specific rules against "inter-office" dating/boinking/ etc...
I've seen some "hot" teachers and no doubt there's good looking male teachers too. Btw.. there's also good looking guys who are not teachers, just as there's "hot" women who aren't teachers.
(and yes I know it's 'easier' fishing in a barrel when you're in the same barrel, and harder finding other fishing holes.) :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy reply was a joke. I assumed the comment to which I was replying was a joke as it was put in a jovial way. BTW I'm a teacher and lots of teachers get married to each other and remain that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): So what if everybody fishes off the company dock??10 people jump off a cliff you going to follow them ?? Just cause the fishing is "easy" that doesn't mean you're going to find any real keepers. If everyone's doing it and there's lots of fishing going on,,????You honestly think you're going to find your keeper there?? It sounds like you'll likely find "mr. rightnow" not so much "Mr. Right." If your looking for your tickle to be fancied,, that can be accomplished without fishing off the company dock AND having to work with them the next day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut there's good fishing off the company dock and in the job I'm in alot of people fish off the company dock.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): DO NOT FISH OFF THE COMPANY DOCK.
((repeat after me))
DO NOT FISH OFF THE COMPANY DOCK.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): When in doubt,DON'T.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers.
Mrs. Anon I too am worried that he won't put up with the 'lil imperfections'. On the other hand is there such a thing as the right person? He says he never loved her. (They were very young when they "had" to get married) He also says he does all of the housework, cooking, ironing, gardening etc and that she criticises him all the time. These are hardly little faults. Now he could be lying but he could also be telling the truth. I don't know.
Code Warrior
I too worry that he is seeing me as a fantasy.
Lazy Guy
Madame Curie WAS a great scientist. In WW2 Albert Einstein informed the allies of a potential new weapon called an atomic bomb. He did not foresee that the allies would actually use one. He was appalled that they did and called giving them this information, his 'one great mistake in life'. He did not make the 'connection'.
Caring Guy
I am worried that he doesn't really know me either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2009): Looks don't last forever.Character does.I understand you are young.The men who were married understand women a lot better than their single counterparts.They know the right thing to say to a woman.They definitely know the right amount of attention to be given so that she is impressed.You seem to be impressed by him. Before you take a decision,Please ask yourself the following questions.I think you need to clear these things up in your mind first. 1.Did he leave his wife because he felt something for you? If yes,can you trust him ten years down the line when you would have lost your looks and another young attractive lady crosses his path? 2.Though he obviously did the right thing by ending his marriage,I want to put yourself in his wife's shoes.How would that make you feel?Would you still trust the guy. 3.Any ex-married man has hundreds of bad things to say about his wife.No one is perfect.Married people live with each other's imperfections.They love each other in spite of it. Would you trust a person who wouldn't put up with lil imperfections IMHO any guy who can leave someone else for you may end up leaving you for someone else.He might end up hurting you or he might end up making you happy. 4.Are you willing to take the risk?
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reader, LazyGuy +, writes (27 December 2009):
Well, if you get involved, you know what you are getting don't you?
Someone who leaves his wive and kids for a potential at the office.
Do you know why there are no great women scientists? Because women can't make connections. Madam Curie never made the connection between her dying and the radioactive materials she was exposing herself to.
You not just the latest in a long line. Ask his wife what she thought she was.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 December 2009):
The thing is, what happens when he leaves you for someone else? He should have been putting more effort into his marriage if he was unhappy, before leaving her for you. What does he really know about you? What do you know about him? What happens if it goes wrong? What happens when you have to meet his kids and they hate you (no offence there). There are a lot of things you need to think about before you get involved with this man. Think very carefully. You don't want to end up hurt because of him.
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