A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had an unexpected phone call from my son, 28 at 3am yesterday morning.He told me how, since lockdown restrictions ended in February, he'd been going and having sex with male prostitutes/male escorts and cheating on his fiancee and young son with them; he said "I went for the sex, really, nothing more.".He admitted he'd missed his birthday celebrations on 6th March to go and see a male prostitute in London, and lied to his fiancee about seeing an old friend, he'd paid a good amount of money for the prostitute who he'd met online.I was stunned. I thought he had a great relationship with his fiancee.But then the next thing really upset and confused me.He stated "I'm not attracted to men, sex with guys is good, but I'd never have a relationship with them, for women it's always the whole package, you know, relationship, sex, kids, mortgage, family etc... not with a guy for me."As the phone call went on, he admitted he'd known since he was 17 he was sexually attracted to guys, but not attracted to guys for both sex and romantic attraction if that makes any sense. He said about how his attraction to guys was only sexual, but for women it was both sexual and romantic; and he could never see himself having a house, mortgage and kids with a guy.I felt horrified, and the early-morning phone call left me feeling grumpy all day.I feel like driving the 80 miles to confront my son about this.Our household is (at least in theory, or was until my son moved out), a household which was open about discussing things.I have a 23-year-old daughter too, she lives with me now, moved back in after her houseshare didn't want her there anymore because of "your face doesn't fit" (they were posh people, but that's not really for this question).In general, I have a great relationship with my daughter, and did have a great relationship with my son, but worry this could become frosty now the revelation's out.I live in London, my son lives eighty miles away.Me and my husband don't know what the right thing to do in this situation is; drive to confront our son or have him come to us?This is a situation we've no idea how to deal with.We're grandparents, so it does affect us, we can't back out of it. We see our grandson when we can.His admission of cheating probably affects us.I'm stressed, angry and don't know what to do for the best.Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): Well, he has made a confession to his mother first. Then advise him that he should also confess to his fiancé. If you and your husband are footing any of the bill for the wedding; I suggest you have a sit-down with him and your husband and discuss what it is he should do about his engagement. Don't spend another penny! Push comes to shove, he either tells his fiancé what's going on; or you can't give your blessing for his wedding, and won't spend not another red cent!
You know all this, and you're letting his fiancés' parents spend their money on a scam wedding. You had better get your son to do right by his fiancé, his son, and her parents; or you are just as guilty of a scam wedding as he is.
Either he comes clean, or you will be forced to protect your grandchild and the mother of his kid. You cannot standby and let him infect an innocent person with some sexually-transmitted disease; or con her into a sham marriage. This isn't interfering, this is when it is considered an intervention. You have a moral obligation to set things right.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): I'm so sorry for you. This is really hard.
What I find puzzling is your son's need to tell this to you, "confess".
What was he looking for? Absolution? Acceptance? Sign that you love him no mater what?
What he did was wrong. Not the gay sex. The cheating part. And I don't mean how this could affect your DIL emotionally. I'm talking about all sorts of STDs.
But you know all that...
Your son thinks (and has been think foa a while) that he's bisexual. This could be true. Or he could be gay who tries to fit in and pretends to be a bisexual because tis is more acceptable to him.
He's 28. That's about time when some of us discover our true identity or at least some nw parts of it. He's not a kid, but most guys his age postpone the fathrood for later. Did he marry and have a kid to fit in? To make himself believe that he's fine?
Anyway, I would suggest therapy. His behavior is risky on so many levels! It has nothing to do with him engaging in gay sex. Paying for sex with strangers. Looking them up on the internet...
What is there to gain if you go there to see your son and as you say "confront" him? Do you plan to do so in front of his fiancee? (that too is interesting. they have a kid, live together, tey're engaged BUT not married? why? how long have they been together?)
He called you for a reason. I can only speculate as to why. Maybe he wanted you to make a fuss and do his job for him? Maybe that is his first step on his way to come out? Who knonws. So I'd wait. I would give him some space, BUT I would not pretend that this hadn't happened.
He's obviously confused.
I have to ask. Has he ever shown any signs of instability, anxiety, depression... before? His actions are obssesive and compulsive.
As I said. I'd give him some space and then talk to him. But make him feel secure. Do not "attack" him. He'll only run away. If you want to have access to your grandson, you need to have a good relationship with your DIL. Remember, YOUR son is lying to her, going behind her back, paying for sex with strangers. So. Be very careful.
I was in a somewhat simmilar position once. My cousin was cheating on his wife, whom I knew well and respected. He thought it was OK to bring his mistress with him when we went out to a dinner together. He didn't even bother pretending that she was his friend. He wanted to SHARE his happiness! I was appaled. I told him that I cannot participate in this circus, that I respected his feelings and that if he wished to move on with this new woman and make her a part of our family too, that he needed to set things right with his wife first. I asked him not to ever do this thing to me again and I left the restaurant, after politely saying goodbye to this woman. I remember how shocked he was. He trully did expect me to accept this kind of behavior.
hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 May 2022):
 "Me and my husband don't know what the right thing to do in this situation is; drive to confront our son or have him come to us?"
Well no, HE is a fully adult human being. You "confronting" him isn't going to change what he is feeling or doing. However, I think I would ask him if he told his fiance too or just you. If he hasn't I would tell him to come clean to her because he OWES her to tell her, as he is intending the marry her, and she SHOULD know this about him BEFORE tying the knot. and HE will then have to deal with the consequences of HIS choices and actions.
My guess is he wanted to tell someone and YOU were the one who affects HIM the least (in his day-to-day life).
While I understand that some people are not straight, not gay, not really bi, his sexuality (orientation) is NOT the big issue for me. I don't care HOW he prefers to get his rocks off. What I think is the issue, is that he is having sex (maybe even unprotected) and then going home to his fiance and also having unprotected sex. HE is putting HER at risk without her consent. That is disgusting.
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