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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi all, Here’s some background:I teach math in a private school for young people who want to get their high-school diploma or a degree in software development after. Most of our students are financed by the state and when they start their higher education they are also accepted as employees at firms that specialize in the domains of their studies. They are in their early twenties. They are mostly good kids, coming from families of modest means.I am an employee, which means that I am paid by the hour regardless of how many students there are. Obviously, smaller groups are much easier to work with. On the other hand, the school needs money and they always enroll as many students as they can. They also tend to have rather low standards when it comes to grades. Basically, there’s very little room to discipline kids, since they know that the school prefers to just let them pass to get more money from the state. I’m being brutally honest here. There are many schools like mine, doing the same thing. Regarding the grades, I have managed to define a solid level; behavior of students (a student) is another story. We don’t have a psychologist in school or somebody who could deal with students and their problems.The problem I want to talk about here is a student that obviously has some issues. Ever since I started teaching her class, I noticed, even on Teams, how her fellow students were handling her with kid gloves. Soon she started being demanding. Everything was a problem for her. Nobody else had these problems, but she did. If we had classes in the morning, it was too early. In the afternoon? Too late. If there was an exercise to be done online or a test, she was the only one having problems with her computer. She even complained to their English teacher how the choice of subjects had been too depressing for her because she’s fighting depression and she would like to have something cheerful. When offered an opportunity to make a suggestion, she had no idea what she wanted. I think you can see where I’m going with this.When I finally got a chance to meet that class face to face, I was shocked to see how she behaved with her classmates. There’s no dress code but everyone else dresses normally. She’s the only one who comes dressed like a prostitute (trust me there’s no better word for this). As I said it’s not up to me to address this, since officially there’s no code. I honestly wouldn’t mind the way she dressed had it not been for a couple of incidents when she would accuse male classmates that they had been staring at her breasts. She was “teasing” them during breaks, and they were mostly finding a way to ignore her without offending her. She’s overweight and always sits at the beginning of the row so that people must pass behind her. She always watches how men react when they have to wiggle their way around her. Now nobody wants to sit next to her, and classrooms are very small.I tried talking about this with my boss, and in a nutshell, he told me to ignore her as much as I can, since she thrives on attention. He had no clue what to do with the “teasing” thing and blocking the row. I suppose that what I get from her is her best behavior. But I do know how quickly things can escalate. I have a cousin who has been diagnosed with personality disorders (borderline + histrionic). If you’d just met her, you wouldn’t know it, because she can leave a good impression when she wants too. But. It doesn’t last long. She needs attention and she doesn’t care how she gets it. She also has moods that change in a second. And she can’t deal with them on her own. I remember that my aunt and uncle would miss some family reunions because they just couldn’t handle her. The older she got, the worse she became. No amount of therapy could make a dent. She once asked my brother-in-law how she liked her dress. When he gave her a generic answer, she took his hands and put them on her breasts saying something ugly. We all saw this! He was shocked and disgusted. Fortunately, my sister was in the kitchen. That’s definitely an image she doesn’t need in her memory. My family mostly ignored her. I don’t remember what happened after the incident I’ve just mentioned, but I know that my BIL refused to see her ever again. He told me that he had an impulse to slap her. He said that for him there was no difference between what she had done and if she had grabbed him by his private parts. He felt harassed. And I don’t think that he was overreacting. Truth is, she had verbally abused him (“teased”) him before and since we all just let it slide, she did what she did. She took our silence as an approval or at least as a fear, which looking back that’s exactly what it was. So… I have no idea what to do with this student. If she’s anything like my cousin, she would adore all the fuss of being asked to leave the classroom, sent to the principal… for now she’s not hijacking my classes, but I do mind the fact that her classmates are uncomfortable with her. I don’t know what her story is. I don’t know if she had been sexually or otherwise abused. There could be so many explanations, but they wouldn’t change the fact that she’s acting aggressively. Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2022): You do know what to do with this student, because you already consulted your boss about her and he already told you to ignore the peculiarities of her behavior.Ergo, you should do what you have been told by your boss to do, so ,basically and implicitely, to just do your job, which is teaching math. Not giving your students psycological evaluations , nor monitoring their attire ,since your school has no dress code.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): It might seem that dismissing her from class is reinforcing it, but youd be doing it for everyone else not her. On the other hand, you could also treat it like some teachers might a student with a mental disability such as conduct disorder or autism with symptoms such as disrupting class and lack of social learning. In such case, teachers have like particular research areas that cover behavior modification goals. Perhaps no one has ever cared enough to guide her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): It was suggested by your supervisor to ignore her; and that is what you are to do. That was more than a suggestion, it was also a directive; more or less sanctioned by the superintendent and governing body of the school district. The state has only one stake in all this; to implement and regulate whatever federal funds that are designated for that particular program, according to government guidelines. The school district does whatever it has to, to keep the school open. Thus, you have a job.
You may have your opinions, but you took the job. Every employer has their set of policies, politics, rules, and guidelines. You're a teacher, probably underpaid, always under-appreciated; but it is your chosen profession. You teach good students and bad students.
You're not there to psychoanalyze or police her behavior. If you had a more assertive personality, you probably wouldn't be here writing DC; or you would have taken control of your classroom. You're assuming you'll get a retaliatory reaction based on your cousin, or perhaps some stereotyped/prejudiced opinion you have of the student.
If she is disruptive or making her classmates uncomfortable, why don't you tell her so?
You won't, because you're afraid, or assume, she'll go-off on you.
If she does, stay calm; and politely ask her to compose herself, or leave your classroom until she can. If she refuses to correct herself; apologize to the other students for her. Of course, she is going to react somehow; because she has been humiliated by your direct confrontation. You don't have to go back and forth, or argue with her. Ask her to control herself, or leave. Then resume your class.
Fold your arms, don't say a word, lean-back in your chair, and leave her acting-out like a spoiled-child having a tantrum; until she feels she's making a fool of herself.
You just "assume" there is something wrong with her, but not necessarily. She's rough around the edges, and may have a difficult life; but she wouldn't be there unless she wanted to be. She wasn't forced to be there. Everyone knows she's a problem; so if you see her giving the other students a problem, say something. It's your classroom, so handle it.
Most learning institutions have some form of security; or you can make it clear that if she doesn't maintain self-control, you will be forced to call the police to have her removed. This option is only necessary when the student exhibits over-aggressive or threatening behavior. Not because you're afraid of them based on your own personal-prejudices and biases. Before you do call 911; excuse yourself, and inform your supervisor of the situation. Let the supervisor make an executive decision; then follow his advice.
The other students will likely be video-recording any interesting incident; so cover your backside. Nobody has shown her who's in-charge; so she has assumed that position. You're afraid of her, and she knows it. Keep your insults and opinions about her appearance to yourself. I wouldn't share them with others on the faculty, or your supervisor; and certainly not any of your students.
If you showed some authority and control over your classroom, things may not even escalate as far you think they might.
You seem to think you know what her reaction might be, without ever confronting her. Thus, the other students are uncomfortable; and there is no order in your classroom. You're looking for some easy means of dealing with a difficult person, without having to confront them. That's a thing you'll have to figure-out on the spot. You may need to enroll yourself in a training-seminar to learn how to be assertive, and how to deal with difficult people.
You can't make her nice. You can only ask her to show some respect for you and the other students, or leave. The less said aside from that, the better. If she smarts-off, ignore her. Resume your lecture, speaking over her if necessary. If she tries to create a commotion, call security, or 911; but consult with your supervisor before you do that. None of what you've described in your post really indicates she's any kind of threat. Just a pain in the butt.
If you put your foot down, I bet she'll just look shocked and chill-out. Let her know who's in authority. Let her complain all she wants. That's neither here nor there. You claim the powers that be will force you to pass her; so pass her with the minimal possible grade, and get her out of your classroom. Once she's in the workforce; she will learn employers won't put-up with her.
You mentioned that these are adults, not teenagers. If you, or your students, are threatened; it's your job to maintain control, or seek security when needed. As far as her complaining is concerned, so what? Let her! She's only in your class for the semester; but you will always have a disorderly or disruptive student. It doesn't matter if it's in an exclusive suburban academy or private school; or a small rural school, or in a poor district of a city. There is always going to be the troublemaker. You can't always eject them from the class; so you will have to maintain control and authority over your classroom, or consider cross-training into another profession. Where you will find there will always be difficult people to deal with.
She's just a young-woman with an attitude, not a monster; otherwise, she'd be in a prison cell rather than your classroom.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2022): I'm assuming she is depressed and that she gave an honest answer when she said the topic depressed her further.
Similarly she probably didn't have a clue what wouldn't depress her because that would mean her depression would have to go away and that was an impossible task for her.
I expect she wears the clothes she is given ( hand me downs) or the clothes she can afford.
If she is overweight she will find it a regular problem to find decent clothes that fit.
She will squeeze into clothes too tight for her.
Being a prostitute is possibly the last thing that's on her mind.
Maybe she would just like to be accepted in life as she is and possibly she doesn't have the means to do so.
She is selfconscious of her breasts but feels everyone is constantly drawing attention to them.
When you say 'teasing' with her breasts In not sure I know what you mean.
I doubt if she is pulling them out of her shirt and regularly inspecting them for moles or cancer in class.
Maybe her bra constantly hurts her and she has probably got an illfitting bra that was either given to her or it is affordable.
I feel she wears what she has to wear rather than having the luxury of going shopping for clothes in shops where clothes wash well and fit nicely.
Similarly I feel she sits at the front of the row because she is embarrassed.
She doesn't like to try to get through the row in case people start pointing at her butt etc behind her back.
She would probably rather be slim and elegant and feels hurt that genetically she has been made into a larger girl when skinny and frail girls get all the approval.
She dreads her day but feels she must try to continue to keep attending.
A little kind word here or there could help her a lot.
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