A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am porn-damaged and I need help. Modnote: this paragraph was reduced to a precis, due to the graphic images therein:The background is that I have had a very troubled life where things have happened that were NOT my fault and for which I was NOT to blame. I was the INNOCENT one but it left me with issues that still require counselling and treatment. These distressing private matters have affected me and how i relate to others. These matters are private.Subsequently I have been in a lot of damaging relationships as well. I have always had a problem with sex. I would never get an orgasm from sex, not even oral sex. I started watching porn, especially violent porn, and my mind began associating sex with violence, and thereby I began to masturbate and give myself orgasms.When I have sex with men, I have to think of violent, degrading porn or porn-like situations, in order to get an orgasm. When I try to switch off that part of my mind, I never get an orgasm. I stopped watching porn when I realised that it was degrading to women and eroticised violence and patriarchal domination. But when I masturbate, I imagine violent situations. If I refuse to do so while having sex, I can't come. So I choose not to have an orgasm, and that bothers my partner that he can never bring me to orgasm. Sex sort of becomes one-sided. You might ask me to try rough sex in bed but that paralyses me with disgust. I can't actually do any of the things I imagine in order to get myself off. I want to get back to normal and get aroused by normal things like a man's body, his touch, his love and his sexual attention. I want to erase the violence and depravity off my mind. Is there a way out or is the damage too deep to be erased? Please do reply as soon as you can. I am desperate. I want to have a normal sex life.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (15 October 2012):
 hi
Words are not enough to convey my thoughts that with more support you can heal and hopefully move towards a more satisfying, for you, sex life that is closer to an approximation of a normal sex life.
You may have a strong vision of what you feel is normal and this may be enough of a clear vision to help you reach your goal.
Or, due to the pain you have suffered it could be that you have an idealized view of how it ought to be.
Either way I suspect that you have not had nearly enough counselling.
And that insufficient counselling led you think some challenging relationships would be OK. Whereas , in reality, any abusive unkind relationship waa never going to be the answer.
And now, for you, it seems you have recognised that violent porn is not the answer either.
Please check out rainn.org
And please see if you can access some additional support and understanding. I think they might also be able to recommend where to find some answers you need
Every journy starts with one step.
When young minds have been betrayed in the past by cruel actions of others you need to first heal the pain inside you, and then learn the things you should have been able to learn at your own pace, many years later.
Instead the past has acted like a cloud over the present and the future.
There is a wonderful specialist expert on sexual abuse in its many forms, in the UK called Michele Elliott, who has written a range of specialist books on various aspects of abuse. You might like to check out her web site,or check out her books.
Besides additional counselling support, do do ask your Doctor if there are any groups that meet to support people in your exact same situation.
Reach out to every piece of support you can possibly think of.
Regards
Abella
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 October 2012):
 I think you need to continue seeing a therapist to try to work through what happened in your early life and talk to your therapist about your sex life.
There are some ways you can try to reprogram your brain once you've started associating violence and sex. I know your problem isn't really related to porn, but there are some ideas on this website that could be helpful to you:
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
But really I think you need to talk to your therapist about your sex life/masturbation habits. They can help you.
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989 +, writes (15 October 2012):
 It's hard to give you advice on this one because I have not been through what you have, my advice normally is that if you want something enough you can have it, you can take control of your life and the direction your going in. But in your situation I can't just say this, I think you need to get more help from someone who deals with this kind of thing, seek advice from people who have suffered the same things as you and ask how they deal with the lasting effects. Good luck
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