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What will help me feel at ease about entering a bdsm relationship?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 October 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I am 25 and about to enter into my first bdsm relationship with a guy I met online. We’ve been talking for a while now and discussed everything we both want but I am a past rape victim and getting spanked scared me! He knows this but nothing he has said has put me at ease about the whole situation. Bdsm is what I truly want I just can’t seem to get over my nerves about it. I’m nervous about everything but I know it’s what I want/need. Maybe you have some words to help me feel at ease?

View related questions: met online

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (10 October 2018):

YouWish agony auntBRING IT UP with your therapist!

BDSM relies on ABSOLUTE TRUST. And there is SO MUCH abused trust when it comes to BDSM with people you don't know. Your first steps should be with someone you know very well and trust that the brakes will be used the MOMENT you say.

You were a rape victim. The moment someone abuses your trust could rip off that scab really badly and put you back emotionally. Experimentation isn't worth that kind of pain.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 October 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntNo. Don't do it. "You have much to learn" is BS. It's his way of ALREADY dominating you OUTSIDE of the bedroom.

Stop talking to him; he doesn't really care about you. You need to find someone you can DATE and SLOWLY enter slight BDSM, not a full BDSM relationship. You are clearly not ready and will just relive the trauma.

Thing is, OP, you need trust. You need love. You need a relationship. Once that's established, you can introduce LITTLE BDSM things like a slight spank, a little tying up, etc. Not just a BDSM FwB.

Seriously; if a guy says "you have a lot to learn", he doesn't see you as an equal.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018):

If you have any reservations, and you do, please do not start this BDSM relationship. You are not ok with this, and may never be. Especially if you have not even met this person. You met online, have you met face to face? What is your in person relationship like right now? Friends? non-existent? are you exclusively dating?

I am not sure why you think you want/need this type of relationship, when it is clear from your post that you do not. Don't let a suave, online personality talk you into something you don't really want and are obviously uncomfortable with. Your past trauma may exclude you from this kind of arrangement altogether. It is ok, if this is not for you.

Be careful.


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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (8 October 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI have just three words for you: DON'T DO IT!

BDSM requires a deep trust between the parties concerned, yet you are considering doing it with someone you have only chatted with on line. You know nothing about him except what he has chosen to share with you.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't put yourself in danger like this with a stranger.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 October 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree that you should consider therapy to deal with past trauma.

BDSM has nothing to do with violence against women (or men) such as rape.

My concern is that this is a virtual stranger you are making plans with and have this elaborate fantasy with that HE wants to live out in reality but I don't think YOU are ready for that.

To be ABLE to partake in a HEALTHY BDSM relationship you need to have TRUST. And that you can't gain from "talking" online. THAT comes from KNOWING the person.

NOTHING he has said has put you at ease. THAT should tell you just how NOT ready you are for this.

Also starting out with YOU being the sub, might not BE the best way to go. Same with starting out with spanking.

I think you need to focus on becoming a rape SURVIVOR not a rape victim. And that will take time and therapy.

I would also suggest that you find some SAFE forums about and for people enjoying BDSM and talk to people who are "veterans" in that area.

You really don't know this guy from Adam. Maybe he just want to find a woman to hit. Talking online is NOT knowing a person.

You need to take your own safety serious. And have some more self-preservation.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2018):

I am in therapy and have been for almost two years. I have been too embarrassed though to bring up this desire with my counselor.

I trust him, he’s never done or said anything that leads me to think I can’t trust him. The scene is going to happen at my house and my safe word is yellow and red. Yellow if I’m getting close to my limit nd he will slow down, red if I have surpassed my limit.

He says he’s willing to start slow and be patient with me while I’m still learning but he says I have much to learn.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 October 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntTherapy. You need therapy to deal with the trauma. You also need a relationship that slowly introduces BDSM, not throws you into the thick of it.

How well do you know this guy? How much do you trust him? Where is the BDSM going to take place? What’s your safe word? How you you know he’ll be gentle and listen to what you want?

BDSM can be dangerous, more so when you have a violent traumatic experience behind you.

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